Pain of silent treatment

[Hotterthanthesun]

Name changed for this post. I’ll start by saying I’ve read enough similar posts in the past that I know responses will probably be ‘this is abuse’, or that ‘I should leave’ and I’m prepared for that. I’m really only writing this as I feel so lonely and utterly miserable, and can’t talk to many people IRL and could do with getting out of my head and written down.

Following a falling out on Monday morning, my husband is giving me the silent treatment. We are now on day 4 and I don’t know how I’ll cope if it goes on much longer. This isn’t new behaviour, but it never gets easier to deal with. If it was me advising someone else I’d tell them to try and talk to him, reason with him, explain how it’s making you feel, however I just can’t as I know it will get worse or potentially prolong this episode.

On day 1 I matched his behaviour and just went about my business, kept myself busy and generally avoided him, but I always feel that I’m stooping to his level, and that it makes the atmosphere even worse. I’ve now switched to being polite, reasonable, pretending to be cheery when around him (then being in tears as soon as I’m alone) trying to make everyday conversation etc, to no avail. I feel as if the man I love and who says he loves me, hates me. It is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world. If you’ve never experienced it, it’s so hard to explain - it makes me feel hyper-conscious of my actions, but at the same time I just want to completely disappear. I walked down the street earlier and was just wishing I was invisible as I felt so vulnerable. Not sure if that makes any sense.

I know you won’t believe it, but when he isn’t being like this, he has so many fantastic qualities (hence why I married him) and we have a great life and loads of fun, run a business together and feel solid. I honestly don’t think I want to end my marriage, but at times like this he feels like a very cruel stranger.

The general consensus is that this type of behaviour is about control, but I don’t know if I believe that in our case. He freely admits he has big problems with expressing emotion or understanding others emotions (he calls himself an emotional robot). He had a terrible childhood and very damaging relationship with his (now deceased) parents. I’ve suggested therapy several times and he says he thinks he is so damaged he is beyond help. I really do believe that this behaviour stems from not having any emotional tools to deal with expressing any kind of negative feeling. He just retreats into himself and shuts down. That doesn’t make it OK though.

I decided that my marriage was over on day 4 of my ex’s final silent treatment event. By the time the nasty fool was ready to talk, I was in the early planning stages and told him I was done. Amazing how chatty he became. But I’d had enough. It’s absolutely a choice. He knows what it does to you but he still chooses the behaviour. Everything else is an excuse. If he has issues, they are his to sort out, not to make you equally miserable. Life can be so much better without this treatment.

Is he a boarding school kid? The syndrome is called ABCD (abandonment , bereavement, captivity, dissociation). These people can’t handle conflict or emotion safely and withdraw from the experience (dissociate) because they don’t know (or don’t believe) that they can safely negotiate a way forward. They couldn’t as children (abandoned/captive) and so they think they can’t now.

If he won’t get into therapy snd at least try to change and you love him enough to want to keep him I would split the assets, continue to run the business together, get my own apartment, and tell him you will date him as long as he is always a delightful, respectful, companion. If he needs to dissociate snd sulk he can do that away from you. If he extends it into the work setting then get out of the business with him because he can’t function as a partner there as well.

Oh op I’ve been there. In fact my exh could keep the silent treatment up for weeks.

my dh now initially tried to give me the silent treatment in the early stages of our relationship and I had to nip it in the bud. So after a spell of him ignoring me, once we were ok again, I told him that it affects me very deeply and I find it so very damaging to my mental health. And I cannot go through it again. So either therapy or just bloody stop it. And if he once again decides to punish me by not communicating, then I’ll know he doesn’t care about me and that it’s being done specifically to hurt me. He listened. It didn’t happen again. Sometimes we will bicker and he will say I need some space and he will go for a drive then we revisit it later. That’s ok.

hope you find a way through this x

Hope all wife duties have been withdrawn - meals, laundry etc

I know you won’t believe it, but when he isn’t being like this, he has so many fantastic qualities (hence why I married him) and we have a great life and loads of fun, run a business together and feel solid. I honestly don’t think I want to end my marriage, but at times like this he feels like a very cruel stranger.

This is the biggest mistake partners of abusers make. Of course he is nice some of the time. If he wasn't he'd never get anyone in the first place.

It's textbook. Read some threads of women on here in abusive relationships. They all say the same, without exception.

Doesn't sound like a profitable business then if there's no young family to support. Leaving him shouldn't compromise you financially.

The thing with abuse @Hotterthanthesun is that you think the happy loving version is the ‘real’ one rather than it being the one that worked to lure you in.

so sorry. Once you see it though, all that confusion can suddenly look different.

At the moment he is facing no consequences for his horribly abusive behaviour, so you need to provide some. At a time when he is "communicating" with you, explain your marraige is in danger and he needs to realise this. Lay out your terms - which you MUST be serious about. E.g.
After this latest spate of silent treatment abuse, he has to see a therapist about this specific issue (we all know there s lots he needs to deal with but for now make it about this one aspect of his behaviour).
If he does it again, you will ask him to leave the house for a week (& if he doesn't, then you will).
Tell him that if this doesn't work, then it seems he's not invested in your emotional needs in this marriage and therefore there cannot be a future together.

Start the conversation telling him you need to have this important discussion because you love him and value your marriage hugely. But be sure to make it clear that silent treatment is abuse and you are no longer prepared to tolerate it.

Good luck. My bitch mother would do this to me for weeks at a time and then deny it. Silent treatment is a mindfuck. It will destroy you if you let if continue, you will forever be walking on eggshells.

It’s bullying by silence. It’s done to make the other person feel uncomfortable and unsure. Learned behaviour. Maybe your husband’s parents behaved in the same way. Stonewalling to punish.

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/03/silent-treatment-ostracism-pain-relationships/677746/

this is a very very damaging way for you to live.

Basically you need to make your husband realise that either he seeks help and sorts out his damaged, horrible, abusive response to an argument or something worse happens - you leave him.

the alternative is you learn to live like this - and that will warp you and your personality in ways that will be horrible.

Maybe wait until this abusive episode is over and your are calm with each other again and quietly tell him that you have set it up so it is easy for you to leave him (you should do this right now) and the very next time he does the silent treatment you will be gone/have divorce papers ready to be served - and you won't be telling him about it just doing it. you will support him in any therapy he needs but that is that. he abuses you like this, you are off.

You are basically living in a ham sandwich that is really very nice except for that large piece of shit that is also between the slices of bread. Would you eat that?

He is training you not to displease him. Like training a dog - only nobody would train a dog by withdrawing contact and affection to get it to behave. And then he can pull the 'oh, woe! I am so damaged! I cannot change!' so you can't expect any improvement.

I think this is untenable and you need to leave.

Off the point, but It's profitable enough that between that and my job we pay our mortgage and bills in the most expensive part of the UK, buy decent enough food shopping, run two cars, and have an occasional meal or drinks out. We don't have hundreds of pounds a month spare to spend on therapy, just like many two income couples. Doesn't mean it isn't a decent growing business, with potential to expand and get much more profitable.

ignore the business for a minute. Your relationship is on shaky ground right now.

What would happen if you packed a bag and left for a couple of days? Would he give a shit? Or would he continue in his merry world?

If you know the answer, then you have some tough decisions to make. It is not ok to do this to you.

I’m sorry but he doesn’t love you.

Taking a night to calm down is acceptable but this is long term abuse. It’s cruel.

The reason why he does this is irrelevant. You're not a rescue centre for damaged men.

What he's doing is gaining control and punishing you. Neither of which are the acts of a loving man. You may feel trapped, but you're not - there is always a way out no matter how complicated finances are. A lovely home doesn't make his treatment of you bearable or acceptable.

@Izzasaurus thank you from the bottom of my heart. That's the most helpful response I've received and means a lot. Thank you for understanding that I still want to be in our marriage despite the (huge) problem. I'm grateful for all responses and will re-read and digest it all, and decide what action I feel able to take.

Could you start another business in future that gives you circa £60 a week needed for therapy?

It seems such a sad reason to stay.

I’ve suggested therapy several times and he says he thinks he is so damaged he is beyond help.

Tell him that going for therapy isn't an option if he wants to save your marriage.

Get some independent advice about your financial situation. Self evidently, co-owning a business doesn't have to mean you live with your business colleague. It sounds as if the reality is that, if you sold your house, it would be perfectly possible at least to put down the deposits on two smaller homes, maybe in a less expensive area. Are you sure you actually need him to be involved in the business? Wouldn't you be better off with a business partner who doesn't stop talking to you every time you disagree with him?

That's why this method of coercive control works on you: you'll be so grateful to get the facsimile of love that you'll push to the back of your mind what he's actually like when you don't capitulate to him.

OP, it’s clear you have no desire to leave this total bell end of a man. So, my best advice would be book into a hotel for as many nights as it takes for him to get out of his abusive and controlling sulk.

Ignore him. Give him what he gives you.

I’d be raging with anger at this, I can’t imagine why you’re not.

If you say you can’t afford a few nights in a hotel despite having a shared business and your own job, I think the business isn’t profitable enough and should go. That would then make splitting easier.

You mention your lovely house - how can it be lovely when you’re dealing with this shitty behaviour? A gilded cage is still a cage.

Thats torture. Literally torture. Hes not well to be harming the person he is supposed to be nurturing. Thats the opposite of what life partners are for. You deserve love and so much of it.

My husband very occasionally did this when we were younger - I still have a massive amount of resentment and anger over it and I deeply regret putting up with it. He worked extremely long hours and I think I excused him for it and as it was very infrequent I put up with it.
Im very level headed and mellow so didn’t argue with him or get angry. I think maybe I should have.
He stopped doing it at all. It hasn’t happened for over ten years.. He matured and I think he knows I wouldn’t put up with it now. We are actually happy and have a good relationship.
You really need to think about what happens when you are older. What happens when you both finish work? Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life.
Even though you can’t or don’t want to do anything now that doesn’t stop you planning a possible escape in the future.
Also, it might be worth just a couple of sessions with a therapist for you. There may be free options. I know the term is difficult but it is abuse.
can you imagine doing it to anyone else?

It is control and abuse. It doesn’t matter how he wraps it up as anything else, he’s just justifying himself.

Ultimately @Hotterthanthesun you will end this sham of a marriage because sometime quite soon, you will crack and you will have had enough.

Take control back right now and get your ducks in a row. There’s a much better life waiting for you. You do NOT have to take this shit. 💐

That's not the reason I want to stay! You've misunderstood or not read my responses. I want my marriage to work but I also need to find a way to address this behaviour/cycle. We could find £60 a week, that isn't what my post is about (although no idea where you live that therapy is that cheap). Thank you for taking the time to reply though.

What did you do the last time he ''came around' after one of these episodes?