Struggling with my husband's cross-dressing and what it could mean

[Stressed78]

Hi all, looking for advice. My husband crossdresser, he told me before we got married, but I didn't realise the extent of it/thought it was just a silly thing. We've been married now for a couple of months and it seems to be spiralling,with him buying stuff online and wanting to remove body hair, he says it's a compulsion and he just needs to do it every now and then and things seem to be escalating not just with the crossdressing but things in the bedroom seem to be getting a bit, unusual, wanting p*ing and him doing stuff to one of the very anotmically correct "toys" he's bought. He used to be in a relationship with a trans female years ago also. When I write it all down it sounds insane, like how have I been so blind to not see that he's clearly got some sexuality/gender issues. Outside of all this stuff he's a wonderful husband and father, honestly couldn't credit him enough on that front, but it is affecting my attraction to him and making me worry that one day he's going to say he's gay or trans and the whole marriage has been a sham. I don't know much about the crossdressing scene or anything so if I've used to the wrong words or come across rude about it I don't mean to, I'm just not sure how to word things properly! Has anyone got any experience with this? Everything I'm reading online makes it sound like it's just a step on the way to full blown transitioning and it's inevitable.

Get that shit annulled.

He won’t make you happy > you won’t make him happy.

He may not be on the way to transition, cross dressing can be a thing on its own. It's not trivial and you both may have underplayed its importance in his life. Try to have an honest talk with him, with a counsellor if necessary.

If this isn’t what you signed up for I’d be looking into a divorce lawyer. It’s only going to get worse. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Oh he's definitely gay. And telling that he only ramped it up after trapping you in marriage. I'd get an annulment or divorce asap. This isn't going to magically go away

I guess hes bi and now hes married he can secretly carry out his fetishes and is he in contact with men sexually?
I dont get the p*ing thibg peeing or pentrating? .

If he’s a good husband and father, you will probably be able to co-parent well.

For me this would be a sexual compatibility issue. It sounds like it’s a much bigger need for him than he previously realised, but it isn’t something that I could accommodate without pushing my sexual needs down.

One of the nicest things about modern times is that we can split up, and pursue other options without taboo or social censure.

What is your financial situation op?

I think she means pegging.

Divorce him OP. Don’t waste your life on this sham

It’s probably pegging.

I couldn’t live like this. I’d divorce him.

You poor thing.

You know the answer. These types only get worse, they can't give it up. Its a sexual addiction.

Not for me, this is not what you signed up for in marriage.

Get yourself checked out for STD’s

I thought pegging too.

i would end the marriage, i don’t think you’re going to come to a happy resolution that makes both parties happy/comfortable.

He is entitled to be the person he wants to be but he should have been honest with you from the beginning as you are also entitled to the full facts before making such decisions as having children together which in my mind is a bigger deal than a marriage certificate. That can be dealt with, kids aren’t such an easy commodity to just walk away from. I know you say he told you about the cross dressing before you got married but did he also let you know before you had dc?

sorry you are only finding this out now. Maybe he wasn’t truly aware before now, my suspicion is that he’s known for a lot longer than he’s letting on. Perhaps he’s battled with it all but to not have let you in to his feelings and thoughts is where it’s fallen down.

The caveat to all this is that I don’t know much about cross dressing and maybe for some people that’s as far as it ever goes but I think for some people it may go further. As I say, I don’t have a clue personally but I’d be worried.

This thread is for you @Stressed78 . Give it a read, you’ll find advice and support on there.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4879982-trans-widows-escape-committee-6-the-next-generation?page=20

It's making you uncomfortable, his cross dressing has ramped up, get out before it gets any worse.

For him to accelerate this kink of his after you got married is deceitful.

Probably pegging. Where a woman wears a strap on dildo and penetrates the man.

Yes

I think he will use you as a ladder to climb where he wants to be. Trying stuff out with you before he tries it with others, probably borrowing your stuff, observing how you ‘woman’. Then when he has the confidence to move on ….

i think this is all inevitable, so all you can control is the timing. Don’t wait for him to make his break, choose a time that is best for you and the children - career, exams, etc etc. Work towards it .

(TLDR: Get your ducks in a row before he gets his dicks in a row. Sorry)

You need to get on the Trans Widows thread and read up on other womens experiences of this. It never ends well. Also get an STD check. It will escalate and drain you emotionally and financially. You do not have 'be kind' and accept this.

Also see here https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/

If that is where his interests are, those are the types of things he likes, enjoys and needs, that is completely fine. But if he and his wife - you, @Stressed78 have different needs, and different things that make you happy, no amount of understanding, tolerance and patience will bridge that. Some things you can't force. It would be worth talking a look at what makes him happy, and what makes you happy - and not in a politically correct way, pure and simple, in 100% honesty. Admitting that something will not work takes a lot of courage and maturity. But if you are forcing your relationship to keep going, it will not make him happy, nor you, so it could be pointless... Good luck figuring it out together. Nobody's in the wrong here, but you two need to handle it how it truly is, instead of wishfully trying to mould it into something it might not be.

A friend of my ex partner is a cross-dresser but he wasn't gay. Wasn't interested in sex with men at all. So a cross-dresser isn't necessarily gay and it can be a compulsion in its own right. It doesn't mean the person wants to become transgender either.

However, the fact your husband has been in a relationship with a transgender female, seems to be want to partake in pegging and is buying lots of (what I assume) female things online, suggests there's more going on here, than just simply cross-dressing.

He may be gay or bisexual. However, I think that the extent of his 'cross-dressing' he's very much played down. Now you're married, he's starting to let that mask slip, and you're seeing some of the extent of his compulsion. I suspect, the further the mask slips the more and more you will see, as what you are currently seeing is likely the tip of the iceberg.

You clearly aren't comfortable with what is now coming to light. What you thought, is not the truth, and your husband has hidden it from you. You didn't sign up for this, and your husband should have been 100% honest with you from the start, before marriage and definitely before children. By not doing so, he's taken away your choices from you, by withholding information.

I don't think the situation with improve. Your husband is showing you the real person he is, not the pretend one. If this isn't for you, then you need to seek legal advice, and look at ending the marriage. The danger is, if you continue in the relationship, and aren't agreeable to his sexual fetishes, then he will eventually seek that outside your marriage.

I was thinking more of p e g g i n g. I don't know what it is but I've heard of it.

Oh you poor thing. He’s definitely tricked you by ramping this behaviour up once he’s “safely” married.

As others have said, get the hell put of there. You deserve to not live your life worrying about his behaviour and where it may lead you.

I recommend you google it! 😁

Divorce court for you. He sounds disgusting and has clearly lied and misrepresented himself before marriage.
You may even have grounds for annulment.