Page 4 | Is this marriage salvageable or am I being unfair about my husband's habits?

ThisDearPearlHam · 2026-07-02T15:24:26+00:00

I have been married for 12 years this year. My DH by all purposes is a kind man. He is a good dad. He is hands on. He is a hard worker, he provides for us. We arent well off, we scrape by. I have wrote a list of my annoyances, and I would like someone to tell me if I am being a brat or is my list ok. He is emotionally distant. I feel like I talk to a wall with eyes. Hardly any affection, when we last had s8x it was a shambles, He couldnt find my entrance. After 15 years together - he suddenly couldnt find my entrance? He has stains on hes teeth - I have bought him powder to help - doesnt use it. he forgets. Doesnt Manscape himself. He forgets. He forgets - everything. He has to make reminders in hes phone. He once forgot to pick up the baby from nursery once. (It happens I guess?) He showers - when he wants to. Doesnt pick up after himself - clothes/towells. Blows hes nose in the shower. dirty habit. He threw an apple core in the front garden once instead of putting it in the bin falls asleep constantly - or on hes phone. Doesnt make plans, trips, date nights, We have 3 small children - if I didnt plan any trips or holidays - they would miss out. He had a voicemail 2 years ago from a woman, naming me, saying s8xual things. He called the police to report harrassment and cried on the phone to them - but not to me? He wants to loose weight but throws at least two dinners down hes throat every evening. I know we can get some Ick's... these icks dont seem to be going! So - tell me Mumsnet - is this salvageable?

Jb197806 · 04/07/2026 16:49

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 04/07/2026 16:03

"Lots of women are the reason for men committing suicide and to say otherwise is completely nonsense or plain delusion."

WOMEN are the cause of men committing suicide? 😂Typical male blaming of women.

MEN are the cause of men committing suicide. Or more precisely, patriarchy, which is a system that prioritises men over everyone else in society.

Male suicide is the fault of a system where men:
-mock each other
-compete with each other
-don't trust each other or other humans
-cannot be authentic with themselves or others
-are so divorced from their feelings that they can't recognise anything other than anger and lust
-are pathologically obsessed with sex and dominance
-believe they are fundamentally entitled to comfort, sex, time, and physical, mental, and emotional labour from women
-need to believe they are more special than women
-refuse to seek help
-blame everyone else, especially, women, for anything that goes wrong in their life

If you want men to stop killing themselves, look at the system that results in this mass emotional stunting and brutalisation of boys and men: it's called patriarchy.

As bell hooks said:

"The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem."

The problem, though, is that this shit system was set up by men for men, and men are LOATHE to ditch it, because it gives them control over women.

This is the same system, btw, that causes men to commit rampant and horrendous violence on women, children, and other men. In fact, men as a sex class are a massive pestilence to the world. Look at what they do: they rape children: the numbers are staggering and horrendous, and they have a particular predilection for 4 yos and 12-yos. They drug and rape their wives, and sell the videos to other men. They rape animals. They sexually harass, rape, and terrorise women on the street, at work, in the gym, in nature, in their own homes, in their cars. Domestic violence committed by men is an epidemic: 1 in 12 women were subject to it last year in the UK. The biggest threat - the apex predator - to women is male partners. Only men are capable of annihilating their entire family, including small children, out of spite. 95% of the prison population is male, and of these 32% are incarcerated for violent crimes. Men hunt and kill women. They cause wars. They cause genocide. They mass rape women and children when they have the opportunity. Studies show that 30% of men would rape if they could get away with it. I could go on and on... the evidence of the misery that men cause other humans is ENORMOUS.

Don't blame women for men killing themselves: blame your own sex.

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So in that list no mention of women who deny all access to their children when separated where they are used as a weapon to punish the man.
Women who go off and cheat and then take the man to the cleaners when he wants a divorce wanting the house, car etc.

Or the one where I have just been involved in as a witness of a woman who made false allegations of rape towards her ex which if not for the support of people around him and thankfully the police doing there job properly he would be dead now. Of course it can only be men.

Both sexes can be as bad as each other but on here the double standards are incredible in how someone is treated depending on the sex of that person rather than the issue that is at hand.

Isitevensummer · 04/07/2026 17:16

Jb197806 · 04/07/2026 16:49

So in that list no mention of women who deny all access to their children when separated where they are used as a weapon to punish the man.
Women who go off and cheat and then take the man to the cleaners when he wants a divorce wanting the house, car etc.

Or the one where I have just been involved in as a witness of a woman who made false allegations of rape towards her ex which if not for the support of people around him and thankfully the police doing there job properly he would be dead now. Of course it can only be men.

Both sexes can be as bad as each other but on here the double standards are incredible in how someone is treated depending on the sex of that person rather than the issue that is at hand.

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Oh my-the Irony is astonishing. So lets talk about different treatment.

Yes there are both sexes who exhibit less than ideal behaviour. But people like you always want to claim equivalence and that simply isn't true. False rape allegations are estimated at between 2-8%. And the difference seems to be that police (overwhelmingly a sexist and misogynistic culture) estimate false reports at 8%, but closer investigation reduces the number to 2%.

20% of marriages end up in divorce when the wife gets seriously ill, as opposed to 3% when the husband is ill. In older couples it's 60% more likely to lead to divorce, opposed to no difference in divorce rates when the husband is the one who is ill.

If this was reversed, and it had been 10 years of struggle, the reactions would be very different. People like you would be blaming her, her hormones or just general craziness of women. Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em, right?

Family annihilators (men) are supplied with excuses -he snapped, it was a 'crime of passion '. How many men have "crazy ex wives"?. How many of those men turn out to be abusive?

So for you to claim double standards exist is quite right, but men are not the victims of it, much as you'd like to believe they are. Because it places all the responsibility on women.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 04/07/2026 18:30

Isitevensummer · 04/07/2026 17:16

Oh my-the Irony is astonishing. So lets talk about different treatment.

Yes there are both sexes who exhibit less than ideal behaviour. But people like you always want to claim equivalence and that simply isn't true. False rape allegations are estimated at between 2-8%. And the difference seems to be that police (overwhelmingly a sexist and misogynistic culture) estimate false reports at 8%, but closer investigation reduces the number to 2%.

20% of marriages end up in divorce when the wife gets seriously ill, as opposed to 3% when the husband is ill. In older couples it's 60% more likely to lead to divorce, opposed to no difference in divorce rates when the husband is the one who is ill.

If this was reversed, and it had been 10 years of struggle, the reactions would be very different. People like you would be blaming her, her hormones or just general craziness of women. Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em, right?

Family annihilators (men) are supplied with excuses -he snapped, it was a 'crime of passion '. How many men have "crazy ex wives"?. How many of those men turn out to be abusive?

So for you to claim double standards exist is quite right, but men are not the victims of it, much as you'd like to believe they are. Because it places all the responsibility on women.

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Yes, and let's not forget the MILLIONS of fathers who don't pay child support. It amounts to BILLIONS of pounds, which cost is all borne by the mothers. Yeah, those guys fuck, squirt, and leave whenever they feel like it, they couldn't give a toss about the kids. How many times have we read here of men gallivanting off with an affair partner and dumping their kids? And then they pretend (and even manage to convince themselves) that the ex was the cause - because women are magically always responsible for everything that men do or don't do.

And let's not forget the millions of men who use their children and the legal system to endlessly harass their ex wife out of spite. We see those here all the time too. There's a reason the legal system is changing - because it's becoming very well recognised that abusive men weaponise it to continue abusing their ex.

Yeah, statistically, men are not the victims in this society, they are the victimisers. And the worst thing is that they cannot see above their testerical self-attributed victimhood. They are so deep in the pool of entitled self-pity that they can see nothing but their belly button. They have the reasoning skills of a sea squirt and about as much empathy. It's pathetic. All we can do to improve things is to raise our kids to see patriarchy and to fight it.

Timeforanothernamechange3 · 04/07/2026 18:35

I think it would be worth giving couples counselling a shot, given you have young kids. Only if he's willing to engage, though.

Thebigarsedbitch · 04/07/2026 19:58

Jb197806 · 03/07/2026 20:30

Yet it seems on here in particular whatever issues you ladies are having comes down to a man. Any decent partner male or female will help someone through a period like this. Lots of men don't feel they can talk because women don't want to listen you it seems are a prime example. Lots of women are the reason for men committing suicide and to say otherwise is completely nonsense or plain delusion.

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Yes, because men are always so supportive of their partners when they are ill or experiencing some sort of crisis aren't they? Especially the ones who simply fuck off, never to be seen again.

TreacleMoon · Today 20:30

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 03/07/2026 19:56

"Please suggest and get him some help, and do it quickly, poor guy seems incredibly sad and disinterested in life."

WHY is that OP's responsibility? He is a grown adult man.

Women are not rehabilitation centres for men: they have their own lives.

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Because people who are depressed often don't see it for themselves and therefore need some support, husband or wife, in matters not, what matters is a bit of empathy and some understanding when your spouse isn't coping with life.

In2mindsss · Today 20:41

Was the idea just to get a guy to give you kids and now that's done its tome to pack it in?

stichguru · Today 21:37

Other than the "suddenly not finding your entrance" are the others things, things he's always done or also things he's done in the past but doesn't now? If they are also a change, it sounds like he's unwell, exhausted or suffering some kind of other memory loss. Dementia? Brain tumour?

DontBotherJustChooseYourself · Today 22:04

stichguru · Today 21:37

Other than the "suddenly not finding your entrance" are the others things, things he's always done or also things he's done in the past but doesn't now? If they are also a change, it sounds like he's unwell, exhausted or suffering some kind of other memory loss. Dementia? Brain tumour?

I think we're looking at an Occam's razor situation: it's highly likely to be a man who doesn't give a shit. There are tonnes of them who display this entitled behaviour without a care in the world about how their behaviour affects anyone else around them. Very, very few have a brain tumour.

And a brain tumour (or dementia) doesn't quite explain the sexy voicenote either, does it.