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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this marriage salvageable or am I being unfair about my husband's habits?

84 replies

ThisDearPearlHam · 02/07/2026 16:24

I have been married for 12 years this year.

My DH by all purposes is a kind man. He is a good dad. He is hands on. He is a hard worker, he provides for us. We arent well off, we scrape by.

I have wrote a list of my annoyances, and I would like someone to tell me if I am being a brat or is my list ok.

He is emotionally distant. I feel like I talk to a wall with eyes.
Hardly any affection, when we last had s8x it was a shambles, He couldnt find my entrance. After 15 years together - he suddenly couldnt find my entrance?
He has stains on hes teeth - I have bought him powder to help - doesnt use it. he forgets.
Doesnt Manscape himself. He forgets.
He forgets - everything. He has to make reminders in hes phone. He once forgot to pick up the baby from nursery once. (It happens I guess?)
He showers - when he wants to.
Doesnt pick up after himself - clothes/towells.
Blows hes nose in the shower. dirty habit.
He threw an apple core in the front garden once instead of putting it in the bin
falls asleep constantly - or on hes phone.
Doesnt make plans, trips, date nights,
We have 3 small children - if I didnt plan any trips or holidays - they would miss out.
He had a voicemail 2 years ago from a woman, naming me, saying s8xual things. He called the police to report harrassment and cried on the phone to them - but not to me?
He wants to loose weight but throws at least two dinners down hes throat every evening.

I know we can get some Ick's... these icks dont seem to be going!

So - tell me Mumsnet - is this salvageable?

OP posts:
JLou08 · 03/07/2026 20:03

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 03/07/2026 19:56

"Please suggest and get him some help, and do it quickly, poor guy seems incredibly sad and disinterested in life."

WHY is that OP's responsibility? He is a grown adult man.

Women are not rehabilitation centres for men: they have their own lives.

That's how a good marriage works. When one half is struggling, the other half helps.

Jb197806 · 03/07/2026 20:30

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 03/07/2026 19:54

"I love how easily you dismiss his depression with simply he needs to fix it not her, no wonder suicide is so high amongst men with that kind of attitude."

Women are not responsible for men's suicides, nor their loneliness, nor their distance from themselves, nor their lack of meaningful relationships with other humans.

That responsibility can be laid at the feet of patriarchal conditioning, and all those who avidly identify with it and support it (mostly men).

If OP's H is depressed, he can go and see a GP, a therapist, etc. However, he says his mental health is fine. He obviously has no problem dropping the ball - or actually never holding the ball - in his relationship with OP. He is complacent, careless, and spoiled..

Women don't have to sacrifice their lives in case men go and commit suicide ffs.

Yet it seems on here in particular whatever issues you ladies are having comes down to a man. Any decent partner male or female will help someone through a period like this. Lots of men don't feel they can talk because women don't want to listen you it seems are a prime example. Lots of women are the reason for men committing suicide and to say otherwise is completely nonsense or plain delusion.

Campervanadventures · 03/07/2026 20:35

VanCleefArpels · 02/07/2026 17:10

I’m in two minds. Honestly if I wrote down every single thing that annoyed me about my DH of over 30 years there would be a MN chorus of “LTB” 🤣

However, they are all silly things in and of themselves that cumulatively do not trump the fact that he is my favourite human of all time and he makes me laugh every single day.

I think you need to do the same kind of weighing up process. Is he your best friend? Are there any things you actually love about him? Depending where you get to in that thought process will determine next steps.

VanCleefArpels You have a very healthy, balanced marriage. May it last a very long time indeed 💐

Han1978 · 03/07/2026 20:43

Sweetcoralcat · 03/07/2026 19:57

The behaviors you describe in your DH strongly mirror those in undiagnosed adult ADHD, mainly

Executive Dysfunction: Explains the inability to initiate unstimulating tasks, like picking up towels, planning trips, or maintaining hygiene routines.

Poor Working Memory: Explains forgetting the baby, dropping habits (like the teeth powder), and needing constant phone reminders.

Dopamine Seeking & Impulsivity: Binge eating two dinners and constant phone scrolling are classic ways an under-stimulated brain self-medicates to get a quick reward.

Inattention: Being emotionally distant ("a wall with eyes"), losing focus during intimacy, and constantly falling asleep happen when an ADHD brain lacks the stimulation needed to stay engaged.

My DH was diagnosed early 40's and with CBT and titration onto ADHD meds it has been a total game changer for him, me and our marriage.

Get him to a professional.

I was also going to suggest this, he sounds somewhat like my DH. who was late diagnosed as ND but with both autism and ADHD

NameChangeAgain48 · 03/07/2026 20:52

Your marriage sounds like a really lonely place to be.

It does sound like he's depressed but you can't help him with that. He needs to want to get better. He needs to make a GP appointment, discuss his feelings and engage with therapy. If he's saying hes not depressed he's not going to do any of that.

You need to decide how long you are going to live like it. The lack of partnership and care is soul destroying. It really erodes you. Your looking after everyone and no ones looking after you. Are you doing any self care? What are you doing to fill your own bucket? I would try snd build a life outside of the relationship. Maybe do something you enjoy just for you. Join a course or get a hobby. It will help you feel less lonely and more fulfilled.

YourOliveBalonz · 03/07/2026 21:00

Perhaps this is controversial, but you have 3 small children and I don’t think it’s right to split up your family over a few irritations that have given you the ick. If you’re desperately unhappy and you’ve tried everything then by all means walk, knowing that you tried and you can’t take anymore, but I guess I’m saying there’s a higher bar when children are involved.

Isitevensummer · 03/07/2026 21:06

Jb197806 · 03/07/2026 20:30

Yet it seems on here in particular whatever issues you ladies are having comes down to a man. Any decent partner male or female will help someone through a period like this. Lots of men don't feel they can talk because women don't want to listen you it seems are a prime example. Lots of women are the reason for men committing suicide and to say otherwise is completely nonsense or plain delusion.

Well you pretty much lost me at "you ladies" which says a lot about your attitude.

But for the avoidance of doubt, here goes -

Yes it's true that I a marriage you would hope that the first response would be to discuss getting help. We don't know if OP has done this or not. It's been going on for a very long time with no indication that this man has acknowledged the problem or tried to help himself.

Women are not servants whose job is to prop up men's mental health. And while some of this sounds like depression, several aspects of it are more suggestive of a lack of respect - one which unfortunately is rife in our culture. Leaving snot in the shower and telling OP to get a sex toy are not depression symptoms. I am very familiar with depression and male suicide, and neither of those things explain this kind of behaviour.

OP is not responsible for fixing this and is entitled to have had enough. Your posts smack of the idea that mens mental health and wellbeing is their partner's responsibility. That's the same attitude which, carried to the extreme, leads to domestic abuse and femicide - both far more common than male suicide. The reason men kill themselves is their own choices. The only delusion here is in your misogynistic insistence that horrible women are to blame.

Dovecare · 03/07/2026 23:20

EnjoythemoneyJane · 02/07/2026 17:11

You can say sex and sexually and vagina here, OP, we’re all grown ups.

If he’s sexually and emotionally distant, can’t be bothered to do anything with or for you, suggests you sort yourself out with a sex toy, and you basically feel fed up, unloved and unappreciated, the relationship has probably run its course.

The fact you can’t imagine still being in this situation in 10 years is telling - you only get one short and precious life, and it’s not worth spending it in a state of perpetual disappointment.

Weigh up the pros and cons - leaving is definitely not the easy option; as well as being emotionally tough, it will change your living and financial circumstances, so you need to make allowances for that - but it may nevertheless be the right thing to do.

Talk to your husband. Lay it all out, and be very clear about what needs to change in order for your marriage to continue. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

This

OtterLovesItsRock · 03/07/2026 23:41

Is there kindness, softness, gentleness, tenderness in either of you for the other? When and how? Words? Touch? Actions? Was there ever?

Lamplight101 · 03/07/2026 23:43

I don't wish to appear unkind but it sounds to me as though you may be highly judgmental and have worn him down. Do you work? I get the impression that you don't and that it's all left to him. It's no wonder he's tired. I hate to say this but I think he will be better building his life separately. From what you have written he appears a devoted father which is bound to continue, perhaps even more so as he will be less exhausted having to deal with your no doubt constant criticism.

curious79 · 03/07/2026 23:46

He sounds disgusting and a slob. What sits behind that I don’t know - depression, sheer laziness. But not being able to ‘find your entrance’ - wtf?! Poor personal hygiene - ugh. So no you definitely shouldn’t put up with this. How you approach it all is the challenge- is there anything that does make him sit up and take notice?

Comtesse · 03/07/2026 23:49

Contrarymary30 · 02/07/2026 17:35

He sounds overwhelmed .

Also what 'manscaping ' does he need to do ? Never heard of a normal bloke doing that . He sounds like a good Husband and Dad , apart from missing the entrance !

And leaving his clothes and towels all over the place.
And being emotionally distant.
And being asleep or on his phone all the time.
Yes that sounds LOVELY pfft…..

CookingFatCat · 04/07/2026 01:38

He didn’t want a wife, he wanted a mother and that’s now you.

Hulbg1 · 04/07/2026 02:01

He sounds like he's emotionally, physically and mentally drained.
Having read some of your replies i think you are stupid no real man will admit to mental health problems it's a sign of weakness.
Everyone blows and pisses in the shower.
What you have described is someone who literally is worn down with life. Falls asleep constantly I am not surprised. I do as well with the stress and health issues its your bodies way of protecting you.
I am depressed reading it and am in a similar situation but i am employer not employee and am struggling to stay a float in the same ways.
Theres a saying from small acorns become great trees pelting the apple core was a tiny release not something for you to over analyse.

As for the sex he sounds depressed and insecure about his weight do you maybe have the same issues?
I do apologise if your american and see this as rude it's me just being a blunt Yorkshire man.

Boreded · 04/07/2026 02:04

You gave me the ick with ‘hes’ 😬

Rescuedog12 · 04/07/2026 09:30

Hulbg1 · 04/07/2026 02:01

He sounds like he's emotionally, physically and mentally drained.
Having read some of your replies i think you are stupid no real man will admit to mental health problems it's a sign of weakness.
Everyone blows and pisses in the shower.
What you have described is someone who literally is worn down with life. Falls asleep constantly I am not surprised. I do as well with the stress and health issues its your bodies way of protecting you.
I am depressed reading it and am in a similar situation but i am employer not employee and am struggling to stay a float in the same ways.
Theres a saying from small acorns become great trees pelting the apple core was a tiny release not something for you to over analyse.

As for the sex he sounds depressed and insecure about his weight do you maybe have the same issues?
I do apologise if your american and see this as rude it's me just being a blunt Yorkshire man.

How dare you call the op. Stupid? You're not blunt, you're rude, and the reason I ' sometimes' wonder why men are allowed on here.

EmailsaysOOO · 04/07/2026 09:53

SilenceLaySteadily · 02/07/2026 21:26

He threw an apple core in the garden???

LTB!!!

Yes exactly. What a disgraceful thing to do. That would be it for me

Jb197806 · 04/07/2026 11:10

Isitevensummer · 03/07/2026 21:06

Well you pretty much lost me at "you ladies" which says a lot about your attitude.

But for the avoidance of doubt, here goes -

Yes it's true that I a marriage you would hope that the first response would be to discuss getting help. We don't know if OP has done this or not. It's been going on for a very long time with no indication that this man has acknowledged the problem or tried to help himself.

Women are not servants whose job is to prop up men's mental health. And while some of this sounds like depression, several aspects of it are more suggestive of a lack of respect - one which unfortunately is rife in our culture. Leaving snot in the shower and telling OP to get a sex toy are not depression symptoms. I am very familiar with depression and male suicide, and neither of those things explain this kind of behaviour.

OP is not responsible for fixing this and is entitled to have had enough. Your posts smack of the idea that mens mental health and wellbeing is their partner's responsibility. That's the same attitude which, carried to the extreme, leads to domestic abuse and femicide - both far more common than male suicide. The reason men kill themselves is their own choices. The only delusion here is in your misogynistic insistence that horrible women are to blame.

Wow a staggering response, I asked the question about does the OP behaviour lead to the husband getting depressed what is wrong with that. Clearly you are one of these women who would always pass the blame regardless.

The comment on suicide wow mind blowing and absolutely shameful and I will leave it at that.

DontBotherJustChooseYourself · 04/07/2026 11:17

Jb197806 · 04/07/2026 11:10

Wow a staggering response, I asked the question about does the OP behaviour lead to the husband getting depressed what is wrong with that. Clearly you are one of these women who would always pass the blame regardless.

The comment on suicide wow mind blowing and absolutely shameful and I will leave it at that.

"one of these women" 🙄

Sounds like you're "one of those men" tbh. I notice how you very conveniently didn't mention the sexual voicenotes that OP's husband got from another woman - it doesn't quite conveniently fit into your narrative though, does it.

And @Isitevensummer is absolutely correct.

Women are not rehabilitation centres for men.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 04/07/2026 11:24

You're not happy. Isn't it the most important information? You can't will yourself into being happy in this relationship if you're not (regardless of what the strangers on the Internet may say)

Isitevensummer · 04/07/2026 12:29

Jb197806 · 04/07/2026 11:10

Wow a staggering response, I asked the question about does the OP behaviour lead to the husband getting depressed what is wrong with that. Clearly you are one of these women who would always pass the blame regardless.

The comment on suicide wow mind blowing and absolutely shameful and I will leave it at that.

You arent doing yourself any favours with your response. Lack of responsibility, downplaying what you did that elicited the response, and saying that posting of facts about suicide, DA and femicide are shameful.......

Isitevensummer · 04/07/2026 12:32

Rescuedog12 · 04/07/2026 09:30

How dare you call the op. Stupid? You're not blunt, you're rude, and the reason I ' sometimes' wonder why men are allowed on here.

Agree, seems we have a few people looking to troll rather than actually support the OP and most seem to be men. But against the background of misogyny and patriarchy we are in, I guess the fact that some would find their way here to either try to wind people up or just push their agenda is not surprising.

OP, if you are reading this, I hope you see the majority of the thread feel you need to support yourself and do what is right for you now.

Jb197806 · 04/07/2026 14:15

Its not about being a rehabilitation centre its about being there for each other when things are bad be it the male or the female. If my wife gets into depression do I just say oh well
sort it out not my problem? The answer of course is no i try to help and support her through whatever it is thats led to that momemt.

As for the phone call i have not commented as it doesn't make sense and the fact the police got involved. If he as been at it with other women then he is a rat and deserves to feel miserable though.

category12 · 04/07/2026 14:38

Jb197806 · 04/07/2026 14:15

Its not about being a rehabilitation centre its about being there for each other when things are bad be it the male or the female. If my wife gets into depression do I just say oh well
sort it out not my problem? The answer of course is no i try to help and support her through whatever it is thats led to that momemt.

As for the phone call i have not commented as it doesn't make sense and the fact the police got involved. If he as been at it with other women then he is a rat and deserves to feel miserable though.

You said earlier in the thread Lots of women are the reason for men committing suicide and to say otherwise is completely nonsense or plain delusion.

Which is nonsense, blames women for men's mental health issues and gives men themselves no personal responsibility.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 04/07/2026 16:03

Jb197806 · 03/07/2026 20:30

Yet it seems on here in particular whatever issues you ladies are having comes down to a man. Any decent partner male or female will help someone through a period like this. Lots of men don't feel they can talk because women don't want to listen you it seems are a prime example. Lots of women are the reason for men committing suicide and to say otherwise is completely nonsense or plain delusion.

"Lots of women are the reason for men committing suicide and to say otherwise is completely nonsense or plain delusion."

WOMEN are the cause of men committing suicide? 😂Typical male blaming of women.

MEN are the cause of men committing suicide. Or more precisely, patriarchy, which is a system that prioritises men over everyone else in society.

Male suicide is the fault of a system where men:
-mock each other
-compete with each other
-don't trust each other or other humans
-cannot be authentic with themselves or others
-are so divorced from their feelings that they can't recognise anything other than anger and lust
-are pathologically obsessed with sex and dominance
-believe they are fundamentally entitled to comfort, sex, time, and physical, mental, and emotional labour from women
-need to believe they are more special than women
-refuse to seek help
-blame everyone else, especially, women, for anything that goes wrong in their life

If you want men to stop killing themselves, look at the system that results in this mass emotional stunting and brutalisation of boys and men: it's called patriarchy.

As bell hooks said:

"The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem."

The problem, though, is that this shit system was set up by men for men, and men are LOATHE to ditch it, because it gives them control over women.

This is the same system, btw, that causes men to commit rampant and horrendous violence on women, children, and other men. In fact, men as a sex class are a massive pestilence to the world. Look at what they do: they rape children: the numbers are staggering and horrendous, and they have a particular predilection for 4 yos and 12-yos. They drug and rape their wives, and sell the videos to other men. They rape animals. They sexually harass, rape, and terrorise women on the street, at work, in the gym, in nature, in their own homes, in their cars. Domestic violence committed by men is an epidemic: 1 in 12 women were subject to it last year in the UK. The biggest threat - the apex predator - to women is male partners. Only men are capable of annihilating their entire family, including small children, out of spite. 95% of the prison population is male, and of these 32% are incarcerated for violent crimes. Men hunt and kill women. They cause wars. They cause genocide. They mass rape women and children when they have the opportunity. Studies show that 30% of men would rape if they could get away with it. I could go on and on... the evidence of the misery that men cause other humans is ENORMOUS.

Don't blame women for men killing themselves: blame your own sex.

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