Is this marriage salvageable or am I being unfair about my husband's habits?

[ThisDearPearlHam]

I have been married for 12 years this year.

My DH by all purposes is a kind man. He is a good dad. He is hands on. He is a hard worker, he provides for us. We arent well off, we scrape by.

I have wrote a list of my annoyances, and I would like someone to tell me if I am being a brat or is my list ok.

He is emotionally distant. I feel like I talk to a wall with eyes.
Hardly any affection, when we last had s8x it was a shambles, He couldnt find my entrance. After 15 years together - he suddenly couldnt find my entrance?
He has stains on hes teeth - I have bought him powder to help - doesnt use it. he forgets.
Doesnt Manscape himself. He forgets.
He forgets - everything. He has to make reminders in hes phone. He once forgot to pick up the baby from nursery once. (It happens I guess?)
He showers - when he wants to.
Doesnt pick up after himself - clothes/towells.
Blows hes nose in the shower. dirty habit.
He threw an apple core in the front garden once instead of putting it in the bin
falls asleep constantly - or on hes phone.
Doesnt make plans, trips, date nights,
We have 3 small children - if I didnt plan any trips or holidays - they would miss out.
He had a voicemail 2 years ago from a woman, naming me, saying s8xual things. He called the police to report harrassment and cried on the phone to them - but not to me?
He wants to loose weight but throws at least two dinners down hes throat every evening.

I know we can get some Ick's... these icks dont seem to be going!

So - tell me Mumsnet - is this salvageable?

He sounds gross and he's a cheat - so no. He'd have to make massive initiatives to change his ways for the better without me having to prompt him in order to find any hope...

He threw an apple core in the garden???

LTB!!!

I don't understand all the pp dismissing your feelings and sticking up for your H.

You are perfectly entitled to feel repulsed by him.

And definitely I would suspect something is going on if he is making excuses not to have sex with you. The episode with the woman's phone call would indicate he has something to hide.

You feel as you feel. You are perfectly entitled to end your marriage.

Thank you for the replies.

I know some may sound minor but they all point to effort and the amount of effort he chooses to not make. Its just a lack of consideration.

I did speak to him last night and I said my feelings havent changed from our last chat in December and he's head just dropped. We are good parents but I don't feel we are emotionally or physically connected anymore. I also said that nothing has to change (housing, finances) quickly as we can work that out as we go. Right now I would like him to meet me where I am at - admitting we arent happy together anymore.

The apple core, although minor, its respect for our home and neighbours isnt it. He was 2ft away from the outside bins, instead he threw it on the ground. Its stayed with me for some reason.

Blowing hes nose in the shower, he leaves residue behind and bogies which i then need to clean off as I use that shower too and so do our children.

The voicemail has also stayed with me. Gut feeling, the instinct us women have. He said it was from a woman from years ago - he has her blocked on instagram, she has made a few attempts at contacting him. I dont believe its completely one sided. I dont believe there is no smoke without fire. But I have no proof.

I have been in observation mode for a while. Last night after we had a small but honest chat - he came to bed and said nothing and we both went to sleep.

Omg if we’re being picky my list would be longer but I dare say my DH could match it . Can’t believe the “ threw an apple core in the garden once “!!
Instead of documenting every one of his relatively minor faults ( I’m not sure I understand the voicemail one - maybe not so minor ?) why don’t you tackle the most important one as a starting point and see if you can resolve it together ?

But it's what the apple core represents and the whole picture of the relationship.

There's that article called something like my wife left me because of a glass by the sink that talks about this - it's often the little things that seem petty on their own, but gradually chip away because of the disrespectful and inconsiderate pattern of behaviour underlying.

And if you suspect he's cheated, obviously that adds another layer.

What about you? I am sure you have habits he probably finds annoying, you are critical of his appearance but have you kept looking presentable at all times. I really slipped at times with my ex wife because of how she was and I was just dam miserable but got myself out of it eventually.

You need to be clear about all these things that make you unhappy to him but perhaps expect criticism in return. He sounds depressed regardless of what he tells you.

His response was to tell you to buy a sex toy? of course you are unfulfilled. It's not just about the sex- he just doesn't care about you. I'm sorry. the might be depressed but that doesn't turn off care for partners.

Please suggest and get him some help, and do it quickly, poor guy seems incredibly sad and disinterested in life.

No idea what manscaping is, but it sounds like the least of his worries..

ts not about the little habits though, is it? He is showing a complete lack of respect for the OP and their marriage. If he has depression it's his job to fix it, not OPs.

Oh gosh, you’re definitely not being a spoilt brat - you deserve so much more than someone who is emotionally distant. I’m not sure whether he can change that or not, but if not you shouldn’t have to diminish how you feel or your desire for emotional intimacy - that is supposed to be the best and most important part of a relationship.

Hmm I don’t know really. What do you envisage your future being without him? Are you hoping to meet someone new, because as someone who’s been married a few times now trust me they all drive you nuts in the end, just as I expect I drive my dh mad at times. The key is to finding someone you can do life with; and that’s quite hard to find really. We all get old and annoying in the end.

The thing that would grind my gears is being with a grown adult who doesn’t know how to spell the word “his”.

If he is depressed maybe she is the reason for that and according to the OP it seems it is about a lot of those little habits.
I love how easily you dismiss his depression with simply he needs to fix it not her, no wonder suicide is so high amongst men with that kind of attitude.

Double, treble Icks, he's gross, that's in no doubt, my question would be why? Is he depressed or otherwise mentally unwell, it all sounds very odd, especially 8f he wasn't always like this- or was he?

Could be the start of young onset dementia op, he has some traits, self neglect, having to write himself reminders, overeating, emotional flatness, he really nedds a Gp check.up

He once forgot to pick up the baby from nursery once. (It happens I guess?)

Oh my. NO IT DOESN'T HAPPEN. It sounds like there is something going on on a mental level, if he is that forgetful, but I wouldn't start diagnosing him through the comments, plus, I am also not entirely sure he forgets all the things, maybe he just doesn't care to that level. I wouldn't know, obviously. None of what you described @ThisDearPearlHam is normal... If there is something a healtchare professional could help with, I'd definitely pursue that, but if that is not the case, that is just a lost cause then, as a romantic partner, and someone to share your life with. Was he always like this? If so, why would you stay, and continue to have children with a man like that?

Men's MH problems cannot be cured by relationships with women or by the women in their lives tolerating poor behaviour.

Going to the GP for medication or therapy, seeking professional support or pursuing self-help are ways of dealing with MH problems. A partner cannot do that for you.

If men believe their partner is somehow causing their MH problems, they need to leave them and get help for themselves.

As some others here have said, it isn't the various little annoyances that matter it's the overall picture they add up to.

No concern about personal hygiene - no consideration for his wife.
Somehow managing to not find his way in during sex??? Bloody hell, it isn't like he's a fumbling virgin or even with a new partner he's managed at least three times as they have that many kids.
Never bothering to make any effort for family enjoyment and entertainment?
Various other small petty indicators of not giving a shit about anyone else, or even himself.

And the only good points the OP can muster? He works hard at his job, and isn't nasty to them. The OP says he's "hands on", but with all his forgetting things I'd guess he does what she reminds him or asks him to do, no more than that.

Sound like a pretty boring relationship to me. I don't think he's still being unfaithful (if he was before), as the personal hygiene issues wouldn't be there if he was. But it does seem like he's checked out of the relationship because he just can't be bothered.

I honestly think he sounds depressed- insist on some type of counselling/ clinical help or tell him you will be leaving because you and your children are not living with someone who has no interest in anything- especially their own wellbeing

"I love how easily you dismiss his depression with simply he needs to fix it not her, no wonder suicide is so high amongst men with that kind of attitude."

Women are not responsible for men's suicides, nor their loneliness, nor their distance from themselves, nor their lack of meaningful relationships with other humans.

That responsibility can be laid at the feet of patriarchal conditioning, and all those who avidly identify with it and support it (mostly men).

If OP's H is depressed, he can go and see a GP, a therapist, etc. However, he says his mental health is fine. He obviously has no problem dropping the ball - or actually never holding the ball - in his relationship with OP. He is complacent, careless, and spoiled..

Women don't have to sacrifice their lives in case men go and commit suicide ffs.

"Please suggest and get him some help, and do it quickly, poor guy seems incredibly sad and disinterested in life."

WHY is that OP's responsibility? He is a grown adult man.

Women are not rehabilitation centres for men: they have their own lives.

The behaviors you describe in your DH strongly mirror those in undiagnosed adult ADHD, mainly

Executive Dysfunction: Explains the inability to initiate unstimulating tasks, like picking up towels, planning trips, or maintaining hygiene routines.

Poor Working Memory: Explains forgetting the baby, dropping habits (like the teeth powder), and needing constant phone reminders.

Dopamine Seeking & Impulsivity: Binge eating two dinners and constant phone scrolling are classic ways an under-stimulated brain self-medicates to get a quick reward.

Inattention: Being emotionally distant ("a wall with eyes"), losing focus during intimacy, and constantly falling asleep happen when an ADHD brain lacks the stimulation needed to stay engaged.

My DH was diagnosed early 40's and with CBT and titration onto ADHD meds it has been a total game changer for him, me and our marriage.

Get him to a professional.

He sounds like he is suffering from depression. I would compassionately talk to him. And I do acknowledge things are not gr8 4 u either, but you may need to help get him some help.

Most of that list just sounds like someone who is exhausted or depressed, or both. Especially if they are fairly new things in a long term relationship.