Is this marriage salvageable or am I being unfair about my husband's habits?

[ThisDearPearlHam]

I have been married for 12 years this year.

My DH by all purposes is a kind man. He is a good dad. He is hands on. He is a hard worker, he provides for us. We arent well off, we scrape by.

I have wrote a list of my annoyances, and I would like someone to tell me if I am being a brat or is my list ok.

He is emotionally distant. I feel like I talk to a wall with eyes.
Hardly any affection, when we last had s8x it was a shambles, He couldnt find my entrance. After 15 years together - he suddenly couldnt find my entrance?
He has stains on hes teeth - I have bought him powder to help - doesnt use it. he forgets.
Doesnt Manscape himself. He forgets.
He forgets - everything. He has to make reminders in hes phone. He once forgot to pick up the baby from nursery once. (It happens I guess?)
He showers - when he wants to.
Doesnt pick up after himself - clothes/towells.
Blows hes nose in the shower. dirty habit.
He threw an apple core in the front garden once instead of putting it in the bin
falls asleep constantly - or on hes phone.
Doesnt make plans, trips, date nights,
We have 3 small children - if I didnt plan any trips or holidays - they would miss out.
He had a voicemail 2 years ago from a woman, naming me, saying s8xual things. He called the police to report harrassment and cried on the phone to them - but not to me?
He wants to loose weight but throws at least two dinners down hes throat every evening.

I know we can get some Ick's... these icks dont seem to be going!

So - tell me Mumsnet - is this salvageable?

Not excusing any of these, but could he be depressed?

You managed to have 3 children with this man before your list ? When did you realise you didn't like him. Women seem to put up with a lot and I genuinely don't understand .

Most of these are pretty minor TBH.

Emotionally distant is a problem. Lack of affection/intimacy is a problem and maybe lack of good sex, depending on relative sex drives. Have you ever calmly and non-judgementally discussed how you feel with him? It's not clear from your post.

Him not planning anything is not great, but it's very common, so some people tolerate it and some wouldn't.

The voicemail was a single thing 2 years ago and he reported it - what more do you want from him in this, and if it's a problem why haven't you addressed it before 2 years rather than stewing on it?

The rest are low level irritations, and sound more like depression/stress/overwhelm/not coping than any malicious intent. If you saw more positives in him, they would likely not be such a big deal to you.

But it also sounds like you are thoroughly sick of him, in which case, for both your sakes and mental health and happiness, you should make arrangements and split up.

Yes I have spoken to him before about how I feel. I tell myself its all very silly and I have spoken to my mother who says all men are like this and to get on with it. Hes reponse to me was to buy myself a toy.

I cant understand why I feel so unfulfilled. Am I being a spoilt brat? It all just feels very flat.

He has changed over the years, I have always been the initiator of all elements of our relationship and marriage. At one point it suited me, now I think where the children are becoming more independent - I'm not sure if I am thinking ahead and don't want to be standing here in another 5-10 years time.

The voicemail is still a thought in my head unfortunately. Maybe my gut feeling is trying to tell me something and its caused the distance s8xually between us. I just dont feel connected to him how I used to.

It's not depression, I have asked him and he said hes mental health is strong.

He might say he's not depressed but he's acting like someone with depression. He's eating too much, he's not looking after himself, he's neglecting his personal hygiene, he's not interested in sex...
If you want to rescue your marriage you need to confront him and have an honest conversation. Presenting him with a list of his failings won't help.
Can you get a babysitter and go out somewhere for the evening, just the two of you, and talk things through?

Well, everyone has annoying little habits, male of female, but he sounds depressed.

Perhaps persuade him to go to his GP.

How do you know he blows his nose in the shower? As long as the snot goes down the plughole what's wrong with that? Unless he crams tissue down there?

Tell him if he wants sex you'd prefer if he shaved down below. But you shouldn't try and force him. I wouldn't want a man telling me I have to do certain things with my bodily hair.

Does he smoke? Use electric brush twice daily and tp/floss? Visit the dentist regularly? If not then encourage him to do that. Tell him straight you're worried all his teeth will fall out!

'Not being able to find your entrance' seems a bit odd. Surely you'd guide him in if they're seemed to be an issue?

So overall I'd say no you shouldn't leave him over these things.

I’m in two minds. Honestly if I wrote down every single thing that annoyed me about my DH of over 30 years there would be a MN chorus of “LTB” 🤣

However, they are all silly things in and of themselves that cumulatively do not trump the fact that he is my favourite human of all time and he makes me laugh every single day.

I think you need to do the same kind of weighing up process. Is he your best friend? Are there any things you actually love about him? Depending where you get to in that thought process will determine next steps.

You can say sex and sexually and vagina here, OP, we’re all grown ups.

If he’s sexually and emotionally distant, can’t be bothered to do anything with or for you, suggests you sort yourself out with a sex toy, and you basically feel fed up, unloved and unappreciated, the relationship has probably run its course.

The fact you can’t imagine still being in this situation in 10 years is telling - you only get one short and precious life, and it’s not worth spending it in a state of perpetual disappointment.

Weigh up the pros and cons - leaving is definitely not the easy option; as well as being emotionally tough, it will change your living and financial circumstances, so you need to make allowances for that - but it may nevertheless be the right thing to do.

Talk to your husband. Lay it all out, and be very clear about what needs to change in order for your marriage to continue. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

I’d give him a chance to write down his annoyances in your relationship and go for a meal
and chat about them.

He sounds overwhelmed .

Also what 'manscaping ' does he need to do ? Never heard of a normal bloke doing that . He sounds like a good Husband and Dad , apart from missing the entrance !

What was the story behind this voicemail?

Do you still love him and find him attractive?

It's quite normal for men to trim and groom their nethers these days.

But it shouldn’t be something demanded by a partner.

😅 Mmm, can see how well that'd work.

Never said anything about demanding it. Just that it's not out of the ordinary.

Men's grooming and appearance has become a bigger market over the last few decades.

Didn't realise that. but I've been divorced 20 years ! Things have obviously changed .

I’m not sure I could cope with being so harshly judged by my DH. He loves me despite my flaws.

you call him a walk with eyes. That smacks of contempt

Some of these are really minor or nitpicky.
He threw an apple core once. I'd laugh and ask what he did that for.
He forgot nursery pick up once. It's not unheard of, I wouldn't hold a one-off mistake against someone forever.
He makes reminders in his phone because he's forgetful. Surely that's a positive thing?

But there does seem to be a big emotional and sexual distance between you. That's not trivial. I think you should let up on the criticism but really put an effort into trying to rebuild the connection, see whether or not he reciprocates that, in his own way. If not then I can understand why you'd want to leave.

She’ll be the one that has to book the meal and sort the childcare though.

His*

Showers sporadically, can’t pick up after himself, throws rubbish in the garden instead of the bin, doesn’t help plan family life. YANBU imo.

He needs to see a doctor and you need to go with him.

YANBU - You've described a man who is not an active participant in your marriage.

It sounds lonely, OP.

I think a very candid conversation about the voicemail would need to happen if I were to even consider remaining in this marriage, but maybe that's me. And if I didn't like the answer, or didn't feel like I was being told the truth, I'd be off.

I couldn't live like this, with what you have described. Yes, some things are minor, but looking at that whole picture, what's the point - the sex is shite, and you've not described someone interested in nurturing this marriage.

The grass is greener where you water it. Is he ever going to see that?

Does he work op ?has he got any friends ?