Who do you share you deepest thoughts and feelings with?

[JusSoSad]

Just that really.

Who do you feel safe enough to open up and be truly vulnerable with?

Because I've realised I don't have anyone.

There's no one I feel close enough to to truly be myself.

I think what I'm talking about is how things make you feel about yourself. Or when you doubt yourself.

For example, but not necessarily, not the part where you're telling someone what an absolute dick someone has been to you but the part where you open up about how that makes you feel about yourself.

I just feel very alone.

It's perfectly possible to talk to other people about things other than football and the weather without 'burdening and boring' them. I mean, do you experience your own feelings as so dull? And your friendships are so tenuous you are afraid people don't want to listen to anything more than superficial chat?

This.

The issue for me is more about being able to trust and open myself up to he vulnerable.

My friends will talk about deeper feelings but I find I hit a block and can't open up about my deeper feelings.

I wouldn't talk about football or weather either.
I just dont see the point in sharing my innermost feelings. Its way too personal. Its for me only. No one else.
And when I say it's boring, I mean, I'm no different to anyone else. My problems and deepest thoughts and feelings aren't unique. Us humans are all the same. That still doesn't mean I want to share any of that. It doesn't get me anywhere other than make me vulnerable.
I'd much rather keep my friendships interesting and fun. I'd never want to burden or drag it down with moaning and whinging. I keep that to myself

From how you describe your parents, I'd say you have Avoidant Attachment stemming from how your nervous system developed in childhood. I am the same. I subconsciously learned to deal with everything myself as my parents would never check-in, discuss feelings, let me be vulnerable etc. It was always, "you're fine, get on with it". You learn to never show vulnerability, and this actually prevents you from making truly close friends. I'm 41 and a really smiley, sociable person. But I realised recently that although I have many friends, I have no close friends. At first I thought maybe I just haven't met the right friends for me. But then learned that close relationships require you to show vulnerability, and I've never done it. I have a lovely husband and children and an amazing, busy life, but I am very, very lonely. And I always will be. I'm the 'I'm fine, how are you?" person. The listener, but never the sharer. I let nobody in. Perfect example, I've booked a day off today because I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I will have a lovely day. But I haven't told my husband, I don't need him to know I needed a breather. He'll think I'm working, and when he gets home I'll tell him I've had a nice day at work...

Maybe it's a generational thing. I find that all my friends and family are similar. We all tend to laugh things off and or just move on, get on. We dont dwell on things for long. There is no benefit to it. And for me, that's made me not feel the need to talk about feelings.
It has served me well.

Hotdoughnut

Gosh, yes you sound a lot like me!

If I'm home alone, I make up a list of invisible things I've done so that I don't have to admit I wasn't even able to get out of bed and shower when things are overwhelming.

So that I can maintain the "I'm fine!' illusion.

My long-distance partner...and Chat GPT

That's really really sad.

@RainingcatsandogThey are close friends I've known for over 50 years. If they weren't, the friendships wouldn't have lasted that long. But when we meet up we want to have light, fun conversations.

I have an amazing counsellor and I talk to her once a week. She has been a godsend.

I used to have a best friend who I saw every day and I told her absolutely everything. She dumped me. I kind of lost my trust since then. She was incredibly unreasonable to dump me.

I don’t talk or share anything about my feelings or deepest thoughts with anyone. I also don’t want anyone sharing their thoughts and feelings with me.

Apart from my husband ChatGPT / Gemini

No one.
when I’ve tried to talk to DH he just goes silent and when I say how this makes me feel he responds that he is just listening. Well if you listen surely you’re going to respond at the end of the just listening?
Thought about posting on Mumsnet but as I know some people that use the site I worry that I’ll out myself.
I dread to think what my cortisol levels are due to internalising everything!

But there you go again, assuming your 'deepest thoughts' involve 'moaning and whingeing', @Horrace. It's pretty odd that you think 'deepest thoughts' must be negative ones, and that verbalising them would stop your friendships being 'interesting and fun'. I mean, are you deeply unhappy? It sounds as if you are, if these 'deepest thoughts' would burden other people because they involve communicating negativity.

A genuine question, you guys realise that not showing any vulnerability is really not good? That what you are doing is boxing stuff until it’ll all topple in a heap?

That sounds really lonely.

Very aware thank you, but when you do something for over 40 years it's pretty ingrained, it's literally how we are wired. If you cannot understand this, then you are lucky as it suggests you had a very supportive childhood.

@VirtueName the general consensus on this thread is that the sharing of feelings are of more negative, or sensitive innermost feelings and not feelings of joy and happiness.
I share my feelings of joy and happiness all the time through smiling and laughter.
I am a relatively happy and content person. I have a good life. I put a lot of it down to not over thinking everything. Not holding on to the past, letting go. Living in the moment.
I along with many others are very happy and content with the way I am. Just as you are.

You're very lucky then, but most people struggle with issues and problems that can be very hard to cope with without support.

If I want grounded advice or to feel heard then DH or my mum. I tend to talk to my mum about “woman” stuff more, she’s had six children so she has unique insight shall we say lol.

If I want to laugh or I want someone to support me being a bit crazy then my dad is the man for the job! Definition of wicked sense of humour. Sometimes my step dad as well he is really good with practical advice.

If it’s childhood related I normally talk to my older brother (5th born, I’m 6th) or my other brother (3ed born).

Sometimes I will talk to my friends but I will kind of gauge with them how they are because a lot of them have bigger problems and I feel a bit whiney sharing with them. Sometimes I will talk to my step mum as well she is very blunt and I know she will tell me straight. She definitely tells me straight.

@JusSoSad Myself is the short answer, i think about what different people in my life would say, i think about what those with my best interests at heart would say and what those that would remain impartial would say and i try to make my own mind up. Sounds mad i know but any decision i make is my decision and i only have myself to blame if it all goes wrong.

No one is really interested in men when it comes to problems except probably a paid therapist and i can't be bothered with that. If you're a man that's ever tried to talk to another man about your problems you'll know where i'm coming from, the advice is usually very masculine and very one sided, 'just get rid of her', 'find someone else', 'just go out and get pissed'...not hugely helpful. Women by far give the best advice, especially when they aren't too close to you. I don't know if that's the case when it's woman to woman.

It doesn't, you know. It suggests someone who is capable of working on themselves in adulthood to unpick unhelpful childhood scripts. You're not stuck with particular habits of mind, however engrained. They can be altered, with effort.

Indeed this is true. But I have chosen not to go there, at least for now. I think it would require a lot of undigging of trauma before I came out the other side and I don't have the capacity for that with a young family and work. Maybe one day.

If your 'inner feelings' are mostly of happiness and contentment, and you are continually 'sharing your feelings of joy and happiness all the time through smiling and laughter', then surely you are in fact regularly sharing those 'inner feelings with others, @Horrace?

Though the fact that you also say that you don't want to 'drag down' your friendships with 'moaning and whingeing' suggests in fact some inner unhappiness you're afraid to communicate or indeed think too hard about. Which doesn't sound that happy, if you can only remain happy by not thinking about anything other than 'joy and happiness'.

I understand that there are 2 sides to this coin or more if it’s 50p. My brain, ruled by my nervous system, doesn’t emotionally understand how it must feel to be able to share - hence lack of having someone to confide in. I’m a very good listener but just don’t feel able to ask the same back if that makes sense? Guess why I’ve given up expecting more of DH.
I’ve had many periods of counselling as this boils down to childhood trauma but I just can’t do anymore (in my 60s). Eventually you can get tired of trying so I’ve accepted this is my lot.