Who do you share you deepest thoughts and feelings with?

[JusSoSad]

Just that really.

Who do you feel safe enough to open up and be truly vulnerable with?

Because I've realised I don't have anyone.

There's no one I feel close enough to to truly be myself.

I think what I'm talking about is how things make you feel about yourself. Or when you doubt yourself.

For example, but not necessarily, not the part where you're telling someone what an absolute dick someone has been to you but the part where you open up about how that makes you feel about yourself.

I just feel very alone.

I wouldn’t share everything with one person, I have different people I go to when I need different things. A couple of close friends. My DSis, my adult DS. I’ve never really shared my innermost thoughts with a partner as they’ve always been pretty disinterested, but that’s down to my poor choice in men who are always more focused on themselves.
Other people come to me to share their worries and as PP’s have said it’s a skill to listen without trying to fix. I prefer a tribe rather than a single person for everything. And ChatGpt for some things.

I don’t think anyone’s suggesting therapy is a silver bullet or anything like it, but if you literally can’t talk to anyone in your life about your own vulnerabilities, and you want to, it’s a place to do that. A good therapist will neither ‘betray’ you nor ‘tell you lovely things about yourself’ — they will just hold space for you to be vulnerable. But, as with any professional service, you need to choose carefully. And whether you would want to then explore how to allow yourself to be vulnerable outside the therapy room would be up to you. If you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready. But if you’re (unconsciously?) choosing relationships in which you can’t be vulnerable, or either peiole who don’t want you to be, that would be worth exploring.

Op - I'm sorry you're reflecting on the conversation last night and it is making you sad. I am finding the thread very interesting so thank you for starting it. My DH sounds similar to yours in that he would say he just gets on with things and generally he does and you wouldn’t know some of the awful things that he’s experienced, but sometimes they bubble to the surface or he opens up like your husband did last night - I would take it as a positive and sort of a compliment that he opened up to you, even if it was prompted by his friend. The other side of having a partner who is not inclined to ‘dwell’ on things or speak about their feelings regularly is that it can make you feel that you don’t have permission to do this yourself. I find if I try to talk to my husband about how I feel he offers ‘solutions’ to the problem that is causing the feelings, which does not help me. It can also make me feel quite lonely as I feel that I am not being heard. I suppose I would ask what it is you are looking for in sharing things with others - I can be quite an open book and will (not always but sometimes) be totally candid if someone asks me a question about how I feel, regardless of how well I know someone. What I have observed is, people dont actually ask how you feel about things often and that’s because most people don’t really want to know - it is a lot harder to sit with someone else’s feelings than to offer solutions to the problems that lead to the feelings. I am lucky that I have a small number of close friends that are very interested in how we experience life and I am able to speak with them about how I feel and work through my feelings, but I am very conscious i do not want to burden them by doing this too often (so I only do it when I am feeling desperate) and also aware that it does not change my feelings, although it can help me move forwards if I am stuck or forgive myself if I am being hard on myself. Sometimes you just have to open up and tell people how you feel to find out if they can handle it and to find out if they are a person you can helpfully talk to about your feelings - this does leave you feeling vulnerable and exposed, but if you’re lucky you might find one or two people in your life who you can talk to about your feelings. Good luck x

Thanks for starting this thread OP, it’s so thought provoking. You sound self-aware and lovely, and you’ve created an emotionally safe space for your kids too. I mostly rely on myself in this regard - my best friend is probably the only person I would share with in that way. But I don’t do it often, and prefer to ‘process’ my feelings myself. I used to share with my brother as well, but last year a few things happened that made me feel less safe with him, emotionally. So for now, I am not sharing with him. I have also used AI, but just to put order on how I articulate my feelings to myself. I’ve found it quite helpful, but I don’t see it as sharing - rather, a sort of translation tool.
I never felt emotionally safe as a child, and I realise that how I deal with my emotions now is as a result of that. I also know that sometimes, trusting people and opening up to them is an active choice. But for me, it’s not worth the risk. Through no fault of their own, many people don’t have the tools or capacity to be a safe person for me. And so it’s easier to manage it myself.

I’m sorry you’re having such an awful time at work x

DH fortunately. He’s great at listening and helping me work through problems. And he’s my champion.

Just DH. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with anyone else in my life.

My mum or my best friend sometimes. I mostly prefer to journal those things though, I tend to make more sense out of my thoughts and feelings through writing.

My best friend. She knows pretty much everything about me. DH is neither particularly interested or a good listener (he’s ND) and my best friend precedes him in my life by several years anyway. I call her the platonic love of my life.

I thought I did. I thought my best friend would be there for me at truly the worst time of my life. I had supported her for 25 years through all sorts, family tradegy, cancer diagnosis and treatment and husband leaving her. Unfortunately not, it's all very superficial, you'll be fine, kind of thing. Not interested in my deep worries and fears. I have close family but don't feel I can burden them because they have a lot going on.

OP, I've had therapy on and off for almost 35 years.
If you've suffered from Complex PTSD as a child/baby (which many, many people have) then it is a lifetimes work to unravel it

Ideally you should see a therapist but if not I would read up on Internal Family Systems therapy (https://ifs-institute.com/) and try using Chatgbt (or Gemini/Claude).

Just say, I have this problem (describe the problem), how would IFS deal with this?

Not the point of the thread, I realise, @Sparkletastic, but comments about husbands not being interested come up often on here. I always want to ask how was it you ended up marrying someone who wasn't particularly interested in you or good at listening, regardless of ND or not? Or did this only emerge long after marriage?

A bubble of people where everything and anything can be discussed without judgement.

Thank you for that.

You make some very good points. I think the thing about last night was that he wasn't opening up to me but to his friend. I was there but it wasn't me he was sharing with.

My therapist

I feel a bit like you OP. I have people I can moan to about stuff but no one that I can deep dive into feelings with. I did have a close connection with someone where I did for a while feel like I could bare all but that has come to an end and I feel the loss.

I journal and ruminate a lot on why I feel how I feel but it isn't quite the same as having a deep heart to heart with someone.

I've been listening to and reading Alain de Botton who has lots to say about being vulnerable within friendships and relationships https://www.themarginalian.org/2023/05/22/avoidance/

It does make me wonder, all we all secretly yearning for this kind of connection?

Thank you that's really helpful.

Quite often the wrong person out of desperation.

Also on here, but terrified of being identified.

Probably in most cases, mine included, the ND partner can mask for quite a long time. And then you have kids etc and learn that they have other good qualities as a partner.

It’s sad you don’t have that.
I’m lucky - I have many friends I can do this with to various degrees. And DH to an extent although he doesn’t always understand as he’s just not that deep a thinker.
No parents left , no siblings.

No one. I don’t have best friends, no one I would call for a chat. My DH is a stress head so I don’t burden him with anything. No siblings. I wasn’t close to my mum anyway but she’s been dead ten years. I’m not close to my dad.

Absolutely nobody because nobody is absolutely trustworthy. I keep my own counsel.

Another one here who shares with chat gpt. It’s really helped me recently with friendship issues. Mentioned one issue to a friend yesterday and she just stared blankly at me and said nothing so I’ll continue to confide in chat GPT.

ChatGPT is great if you tell it you want tough love. Sometimes it’s just not possible to discuss a situation with close friends because they are part of what you want to discuss!

This. I have a supportive DH, a close nuclear and extended family and a number of good friends but I prefer to deal with things myself.

@JusSoSad you are welcome to message me. I'm a good listener x

I do have 1 person that I trust implicitly and I know who will not/does not judge me - but if that ceased to be, there would be no-one.

I am an independent person though and I'm happy.