My boyfriend leaves me repeatedly

[Blondie35]

So , my boyfriend left me a few days after his birthday. I mean for most of our relationship he always had one foot out the door. I just wanted to build and be committed. He told me so does he. We have a lot of history but he kept getting worse , I can’t put the whole relationship or story on here but recently we were split , he reached out after I went silent , then his birthday came up and I invited him over he was down and we had a great time I thought maybe we were back on track we made love etc , he then struggled with some family issues then a few days went by and I got a long goodbye message…..
blaming things on nonexistent issues….
i then said nothing and we bumped into each other on a beach !
we enjoyed each other , flirted kissed etc , we made love he was telling me that he’s always had feelings and they’re deep feelings. We made love , in the morning I woke up to him telling me he thinks I’m a liar and we didn’t meet on the beach by accident, apparently I planned the whole thing, he went nuts , saying I’m lying , he’s been trying to leave me but I keep coming back even though he participates in it too !
he tells me how much he “loves me”
he’s now left me again … told me I was the one who fucked it , clearly manipulated me…. Used me and I’m just heartbroken as I wanted us to have a clean slate , that’s what I said to him and for him to just commit to the it relationship … he spoke about the so called “drama” he doesn’t like but he literally created it…. I just feel terrible

He wants you for sex and someone he can take his anger and bad feelings out on.
Every time you try to step away, he reels you back in, because:

1. He doesn't want to lose his punch bag
2. It would hurt his pride if YOU were the one to end it.

He doesn't want you to quit, he wants to be the one who fires you when he's had enough. Please try and find the strength to turn away from him.

I was in a relationship a bit like this but the difference was we would both do it to each other. We had a push-pull dynamic that becomes intoxicating and you’re always seeking that high of the reunion but then it would come crashing down and either one of or both of us would end it. It was actually me who eventually ended it. Looking back, we blamed each other but the truth was we were both commitment phobes, loved the idea of each other but just couldn’t get on. We were just a bad combination. If we had really wanted to, we would have committed properly but we didn’t, despite claiming we wanted to. Here it’s worse because he’s the one doing it all. If he really wanted to be with you properly, he would OP. But he doesn’t. It is very difficult to break permanently with someone you have the addictive attraction to, but he’s never going to want you for a proper relationship. He might even be incapable of having one with anybody. But it doesn’t matter which. If you don’t cut him off permanently, this could drag on for years.

That is sad. But it is not your job or your responsibility to fix him. The fact that his mental health is poor does not give him the right to mess about with your feelings and your mental stability.

You need a partner who sees you as an equal, not as a convenience.

Who cares about your feelings and doesn’t blame you for his.

A year is not long , put this one down to experience and move on.

Oh and ignore any begging and threats about his safety that might be flung your way once he realises that you are making a new start. He won’t be happy that his little puppet has cut the strings.

You need to break this toxic cycle. He is controlling and using you. Block him on everything. If you see him turn around and walk away. Do not speak to him, do not kiss him or most certainly do not sleep with him. He is toxic and you are seeing the real him when he is nasty to you.

The thing is I’m stable , grounded , never walked away , genuinely love him but he’s well like you just described , always walking away !

Really, don’t pay any attention to what he says, until he has substantiated his words by getting into action.

what he does shows you everything you need to know. It’s not your fault he is weak, but it is very much your responsibility to not take him back.

He has shown you who he is, believe him.

@Blondie35 , The thing is I’m stable , grounded , never walked away ,
but not enough to not let yourself be treated badly
genuinely love him
You don't. You genuinely love who you think he is, not the person he actually is.

When you're in a relationship like this, the constant insecurity is sort of addictive. It consumes you. You'll get nowhere other than messed up. Cut your losses now. You're flogging a dead horse.

The thing is I’m stable , grounded , never walked away , genuinely love him

You deserve someone who can say the same.

But you don't really love him. Not really.

Your nervous system is responding to the highs and lows. That's all.

But I think a lot of people have been there and interpret that feeling as, "Well, I must really love him if I still feel this way after he's treated me so badly..."

But that's really, really, not love. Love is reliable, stable and constant. It's not just en emotional response. It's shown in everything you do. And that should apply to both parties.

If you walked away, your nervous system would have chance to regulate and you just wouldn't feel that way about him anymore.

(Been there; done that. Have the t shirt child to prove it 😉)

Look up avoidant partners. He sounds like this. It's a recognised way of behaviour.

You kind of sound like a 15 year old.

You're allowing him to continually rump and dump you but only you have the power to stop him.....

A year is not very long at all...and the first couple of years or so are meant to be the honeymoon period.

Are you very young?

Make him leave permanently and find a decent man.

He's not making love to you, he's having sex with you, that's the only time he's properly invested in you. Move on, you'll regret it if you don't. Move on, if you don't one day he'll break up with you and he'll move on and it'll be a shock to you, or you'll just repeat this unhealthy crap endlessly. It's all bullshit. Why are you putting up with this. You deserve better. Being single is also just fine!

I wouldn't bother, don't waste your time Googling and reading up about what brand of shitty toxic behaviour this is. It's his problem not yours. I'll bet you a fiver I can guess how much research he's doing on his own attachment issues/mental health problems, and it's absolutely fuck all.

Get away from him, stay away from him, he will come back and make you feel shitter and shitter each time for as long as you let him, so don't.

You can stop this now, don't wait for him to because he won't. With the spare headspace that he's now occupying, work out what drew you to him and made you stay with him for a year.

FFS, this is the third thread you have posted about this in the last month OP.
A month ago you had been with him 7 months so not sure how it is over a year now.
Why are you not listening to the responses you got for the other threads. You said he is abusive in those.

Is this the boyfriend you had been with for 7 months a month ago? The abusive one who salary a cunt and a liar?

Stop posting on here, start blocking him and work on yourself.

I mean take a step back. I know that’s hard to do when they push and pull and leave you reeling and your head all fuzzy (which his intention btw) but think on it on it like this, if someone treated your friend this way, you’d be furious on their behalf wouldn’t you?

But look at it like that. From a side step away.

Can you see that he’s a total psychopath? Because he is.

Abusers often use depression as an excuse for abuse by the way. It’s to make you feel like you are being mean to judge them or that they are currently not in their right mind so you should excuse their actions. He knows what he is doing and he intends it to hurt you. He doesn’t actually believe you engineered that meeting by the way. He just needs you to believe he thinks that. Because that gets you stuck in the cycle of “prove your innocence/goodness/honesty” and round and round you’ll go, trying to prove yourself, looking inwards instead of realising he’s a bastard.

Frankly, he’s dangerous. He is coming for your sanity. He wants you broken. That is his intention.

Maybe HE engineered the beach visit.
Has he ever had access to your phone? I’d check it for spyware and change all your passwords on a different device just incase. Maybe he’s not that nuts but, he is nuts so I wouldn’t be surprised. Check your car for a AirTag too.

Block his number. Come off social media if he’s on there. Do not accept calls from unknown numbers. Maybe change your locks if he’s ever had key access.

You have to be firm with yourself here. Becuase he’s not done. He means you harm, you are his victim, not his partner.

Protect yourself.

Kick him into touch big time, there is a whole country full of better examples of manhood to accompany you through life.

In fact, this is the second time he’s accused you of being manipulative from what I can see. Last time was because you went to his mum, this time because you bumped into each other on the beach. Only you know whether you did that on purpose or not.

The whole relationship sounds toxic as hell. Out of curiosity, did he ever know you two were in a relationship or have you thought it was more than he does? In your other post you also said he swore on his kids life… never trust a man who does that. That’s manipulation in itself. And really shitty.

Speak to Women’s Aid and maybe look into therapy.

Want more for yourself.

Learn to love yourself enough that you wouldn’t even dream of letting someone treat you like this.

Work on your self respect and self esteem and stay away from dating until you’re in a better place.

OP. When someone loves someone else, they don’t leave. Simple.

Take control of this situation and leave. I know it’s hard, but people manage to do it all the time. You can too.

He's treating you like a booty call. Have some self respect and stop taking him back.

@Tillow4ever , thanks for pointing that out.

Abusive relationships | Mumsnet
Relationship issues | Mumsnet

You aren't really taking notice of the replies are you, @Blondie35 . You're not stable or grounded.
Why are you wasting your time on him. Why are you wasting our time with multiple threads if you don't appreciate our advice to block this man?

It is possible to love someone but also know that they’re not right for you. So you send them on their way, with your blessing, never to darken your door again. Know your worth OP. I cannot stress this highly enough. Do not allow this situation to continue or you will just get more of the same ad infinitum.

He is abusive. Drop him completely and move on. Go silent as you have before but do not get hoovered back in by him, ever. He uses you to get sex, that’s all. Judge him by his actions not his words. Surely you have better uses for your time than this.