Please give advice and tips on holidaying with in laws and a young child

[Ewg9]

Hi, wasn't sure whether to list this under holidays or here. I'm looking for guidance and different perspective on family holidays with wider family in particular in-laws. Looking for advice on planning, managing expectations and costs etc. I may be overthinking this but just wondered about tips and advice people may have. My husband has suggested that it's a non-negotiable to holiday with his parents. They are divorced so we would be having seperate trips with them. We have a young child. I think he wants to holiday with them for quality time but also for babysitting for us. I find both sets a little awkward and to some degree difficult but would obviously do my best. I'm more comfortable with FIL and his 2nd wife but still feel abit apprehensive.

I have never pressured or expected hubby to holiday with my family. We visited my Dad once who works and lives abroad so I see him occasionally throughout the year whereas we see his parents atleast once a month and MIL more. I never holidayed with my Grandparents.

I'm looking for tips and guidance and things to factor in. I'm wondering about things like where to stay (e.g airbnb), sharing costs, sharing cooking and how we spend time. DO we spend the whole time together or split off and how to do this. Concerned about DCs routine aswell I think and worrying about being abit boring because we have a young child. I would like my hubby to sort it all with it being his family but also apprehensive that nothing will be planned and expectations won't be managed if I leave it to him. His Dad is pretty chilled though really so I may be worrying for nothing.

"Please give advice and tips on holidaying with in laws and a young child"

DON'T

It won't end well ime.

I would not be going on holiday with his parents. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

Why is your h saying this is non negotiable to be going on holiday with his parents?. Why do you have no say in this?. I’d be telling him a firm no to any of this. He is perfectly capable also of looking after his child whilst on holiday without his parents being around. There are also babysitters in hotels.

He can go and take your toddler and you can have a lovely rest at home.

He can go and take your toddler and you can have a lovely rest at home.

I also wouldn't do it. But if you are determined to do it, tell DH you'll try it once, and it will be the decision maker for whether it ever happens again.

Then I would do a UK holiday so that you can easily abort if it's awful. I would look for accommodation which is separate but together, like log cabins or static caravans next door to each other.

Your DH is presenting this to you as non-negiotable? That's your problem, right there!

We regularly holiday with grandparents and it works pretty well. I think it really depends on how flexible everyone is and how happy grandparents are to accommodate small children. Will they be happy with early dinners and family friendly venues. Do they just want to spend time with you or do they expect a 4 hour wine tasting tour? I would propose to split the holiday and do 1 week alone and 2-3 days with either grand parent to test the waters.

We often do half the holiday alone and the other half with a grandparent and other relatives.

Your DH is making you go on two holidays with his family - which you'll be responsible for as no one else will arrange anything?? OP, you have a DH problem.

DH should be organising this. And not telling you it is non-negotiable, he is not your boss.

If you do agree to go and try it out, then it should be a short UK break so you are not stuck waiting for a long flight home if it's unbearable. Separate accommodation so you get some space from each other.

Might be lovely, might be awful, might be you decide not to go at all and to let DH have some time with his parents. (Do you get the feeling he is insisting you're there so you can wrangle the kid, and he gets to put his feet up?)

If he wants to do the trip he needs to set the expectations, but my best guess is that an all inclusive resort would be easiest, no cooking or bills to split

A hotel by the British seaside could be nice

IMO a villa is a mistake.
You want aparthotels / serviced apartments or AI.
Ideally AI.

4 days over a long weekend would be best

Unpopular opinon (?) I would plan and book it alllllll. Then at least then I am in control vs having to live with the consequences of his shit planning and inability to not be a bellend.

I'd also get a migraine for a full afternoon / into evening and leave them to it one day.

Once agreed to go to Butlins with ils years ago. Separate apartments next door. They took one dc as we needed 2 cots.. I was woken up very regularly during the night.. Apparently fil had set alarms to check on dc... Which in turn woke him up and needed resettling every time. Then dc fell and badly bumped his head. Mil tut tutted when I said he needed checked out as the butter she had put on it would ensure he didn't have a concussion.
Ime your relationship will never recover..
At the very least very separate accommodation.

Honestly dont do it. My husband suggested it, so they could look after our toddler, and I just said no. The childcare isnt worth the hassle in my opinion.

1)Personal space is key. This is assuming you enjoy all spending time together.
2) ensuring you and DH are on the same page and want the same thing from the trip.

I prefer not sharing accommodations. So lodges, rooms in the same hotel complex but not all on top of one another.

Non negotiable - did he tell you that before you had DC ?
that would be a NO from me

It doesn't sound like he's given you much of a choice. You shouldn't be forced to do this.

No way would this be happening. Why does your husband think he can dictate this. Why would you spend your precious holiday going away with people who you feel a bit uncomfortable with.

We did it..once! Worst holiday ever. We swore never ever again. Thankfully DH and I are on the same page.
Ugh the memories are coming back 🤣🤣
If your DH is determined to go send him with DC and relax at home.

You aren’t an indentured slave and this is NOT non negotiable. Many Excellent reasons to sit him down and say you have not committed to going and you do not commit to going regularly. You will consider trying it if he listens to and thinks about your views, if he doesn’t then it’s never happening.

1. It may not feel like a

holiday to you and it certainly won’t if your dh isn’t actively aware, sounds like he will be more focused on making sure he has a holiday though and you and his parents will enable that. Which is a hard no from me, I did it once and told him as soon as we got home that it was never happening again. It’s equal time off or it’s not happening, it’s not his personal leisure time at the expense of everyone else. 2 if it doesn’t leave budget and annual leave for holiday time together WITHOUT parents it’s a no 3 if he wouldn’t do the same or similar for you and your family it’s a no, marriage goes two ways and if it’s only going one way you opt straight back out of supporting them. He’s not special and you’re the support act 4 if the destinations and plans don’t suit you and baby 5 if you won’t enjoy it because his parents aren’t that nice or you can’t relax. I like to spend time reading on holiday, I don’t want to ‘socialise’

You don’t have to argue remember and you don’t have to persuade him. You can say it doesn’t sound fun, and I’m not going.

DH manages his/DC’s relationship with his family, so this would happen precisely once in my house with DH being expected to organise absolutely everything (down to the very last sock) and me having an actual holiday.

I suspect he wouldn’t suggest it again.

This.
Do not agree to using up your precious annual leave on two holidays with two lots of in laws. Just don't.

My DDs are adults now but we all have very fond memories of holidays with grandparents (my in laws), but they were lovely people and we all got on well. Obviously there were a few little niggles, but that would be the same with anyone really.

But your DH shouldn't be presenting this as a non-negotiable trip ... you need to have a say in it as well. Who does he think he is!

My advice is try it - and with a positive attitude not a "lets get this over with" which some PP imply. Tips:

• stay separately but close eg adjacent cottage. So its easy to see each other but also have own space.
• remember everyone is different and compromise. It doesnt have to be your routine precisely, maybe you wouldnt choose X place for dinner or you'd prefer the kids went to bed an hour earlier. But its everyones holiday so try to relax your own control/expectations as well.
• do things alone as well as together. They can do something grown up like a long leisurely lunch while you hit a water park. So everyone does something that suits them, you get some space and it isnt endless compromise!
• have them there only half the trip if poss to reduce the pressure on everyone, or as PP suggested do a long weekend or something not 2 weeks in Turkey as your first trip.
• remember youre a whole family and your DC relationship with their grandparents could be something really special to nurture and enjoy. Even if the holiday isnt your first choice maybe its important for DH and DC - and youre a part of that unit so be magnanimous and supportive about that.
• if you try the hol and its a total shitshow/you really hate it/a lot does not work, dont do it again. But really give it your best shot at success before you write it off.