Please give advice and tips on holidaying with in laws and a young child

[Ewg9]

Hi, wasn't sure whether to list this under holidays or here. I'm looking for guidance and different perspective on family holidays with wider family in particular in-laws. Looking for advice on planning, managing expectations and costs etc. I may be overthinking this but just wondered about tips and advice people may have. My husband has suggested that it's a non-negotiable to holiday with his parents. They are divorced so we would be having seperate trips with them. We have a young child. I think he wants to holiday with them for quality time but also for babysitting for us. I find both sets a little awkward and to some degree difficult but would obviously do my best. I'm more comfortable with FIL and his 2nd wife but still feel abit apprehensive.

I have never pressured or expected hubby to holiday with my family. We visited my Dad once who works and lives abroad so I see him occasionally throughout the year whereas we see his parents atleast once a month and MIL more. I never holidayed with my Grandparents.

I'm looking for tips and guidance and things to factor in. I'm wondering about things like where to stay (e.g airbnb), sharing costs, sharing cooking and how we spend time. DO we spend the whole time together or split off and how to do this. Concerned about DCs routine aswell I think and worrying about being abit boring because we have a young child. I would like my hubby to sort it all with it being his family but also apprehensive that nothing will be planned and expectations won't be managed if I leave it to him. His Dad is pretty chilled though really so I may be worrying for nothing.

If he has been discussing it with his family prior to you giving your agreement to do it, you have a significant DH problem. You and he should be making holiday plans together and then talking to your in-laws, NOT him talking to them and then putting pressure on you.

As a matter of principle I would be saying I would not go on this holiday because of the way he's been undermining you by discussing it behind your back. He can take the toddler and go on his own.

I've holidayed with my in-laws once when my eldest was a toddler, albeit in the context of a group holiday involving 20-30 other people, so not so too pressured. I wouldn't do it again. Far too many expectations.

Can your DH not organise it if this is what he wants?

Holidaying with them is still negotiable. My dhs relationship with his sister is obviously non negotiable but I don’t have to invest in it. He has said something about having them round to dinner, and i didn’t answer. if it comes up again it will be a no, we won’t. I am not cleaning and tidying and cooking to host them (I’m also not prepared to pretend dhs level of tidying is acceptable for this when they’ve made jokes about the state of our house)she has many many hours more free every week than I do and if he can talk her into hosting I will go. I’ve never been invited to her house because putting effort into her family is not her thing, so good luck to him. I have hosted a number of times, I’m busy and tired and it’s not happening until I have enough time to cope with life and do something for myself sometimes.

I think it all depends on family dynamics at home. I’ve got very lucky with my in laws, they are amazing people and so are my husbands siblings and their partners. We all get along brilliantly so go on holiday regularly. One thing we all accept is that when the kids are happy and occupied then everyone can relax and enjoy themselves. We went AI for a week, kids entertainment, food and drink readily available for everyone. People would split off if they wanted to without it being a big deal. We would try and make a base for everyone after breakfast near the pool and people could come an go as they please, it doesn’t need to be so pressured.

Agree who is doing what in advance-as in are they taking over childcare at 6pm each night. Which room is the child in? Are you all taking meals together or not? What are teh rules on treats? Who is paying for what?
Ideally do it on texts so there's no disagreement, but if you can get it to work, it will be great to have family time, and some free time for you and your husband with free childcare.
And be clear that if it doesn't work out, you'll reconsider ever doing it again.

I thought that too.

Don’t let this set a precedent. It doesn’t have to be the annual ‘thing’. Is it instead of or as well as a family holiday with your Dh and the toddler?

We’ve holidayed with PIL but our DC were older - 7 & 10. We had to deal with overstepping where they tried to parent while we were there. But DH addressed that well.

If we’d had younger DC I would have worried about unrealistic expectations and unsuitable accommodation. I doubt I would have wanted to go on holiday with them.

I wouldn’t consider going on holiday with in-laws under any circumstances. It just sounds awful and a million miles away from what a holiday should be.

It depends on personalities etc and not just being an in-law!
I have holidayed with my daughter ,SIL and the grandchildren and it has been fine . They don’t take the piss with me babysitting,just a couple of hours a day or expecting grandma to pay for everything. I also crucially get my own space to go off on my own.Swings and roundabouts. Works for us .

I'd get a new husband if he started declaring non-negotiables on me.

This!

OP, DH (DS’s stepfather) and I went on holiday with DS, DDIL and their two children, and it was fine. My DS booked it all - he asked me what was non-negotiable as far as we were concerned, and I said having our own bathroom. We stayed in an apartment with three bedrooms: two were adjacent to a bathroom, and the other one (ours) had an en-suite. That way, no-one is falling over anyone else. We let them set the tone for what we did, and we travelled independently so anyone could come back if they wanted to/had had enough. We took it in turns to cook. We stayed five days, and we all had a good time. So just make sure you’re not going for too long; that there is either separate accommodation or enough facilities where you’re staying, and that everyone knows what the score is before you go.

If he has been discussing it with his family prior to you giving your agreement to do it, you have a significant DH problem. You and he should be making holiday plans together and then talking to your in-laws, NOT him talking to them and then putting pressure on you.

As a matter of principle I would be saying I would not go on this holiday because of the way he's been undermining you by discussing it behind your back. He can take the toddler and go on his own.

I agree with both of these points.

None of us can say if going away with extended family would work for you or not. It does for lots of people.
There is no way in a million years I would have considered going away with my in-laws when the dc were small, but my DiL is very keen for us to join them on holidays (which so far we've enjoyed). We did several holidays with one of my siblings and their family, but it was 'never again' after trying it with my other sibling and their family.

There's no 'right or wrong' about if you go, but there is DEFINITELY a wrong way for your dh to go about planning this, and that is the way he is not discussing things with you first.

If you don't get on wonderfully, do not go. It won't end well!
Why can't he go without you?

@Ewg9 What the hell does he mean "non negotiable"? That's not how marriage works. Is this a one off or does he mean every holiday? I assume from your post that they both have new partners, in which case they presumably aren't desperately lonely and lacking a holiday companion. From personal and anecdotal experience, going away with other people (perhaps especially in laws) is a recipe for utter disaster. The babysitting won't pan out remotely like your DH thinks and little niggles will become huge issues. Even if it is a "one off", your DH will subsequently push for it again and again if you acquiesce this time. Best advice, don't do it.

I did it with my in laws and sil and her husband...once! I knew it was my MILs dream so I felt it was worth giving it a go.

We were very clear about the needs of a three and one year old....times they got up, went to sleep, ate, napped. I definitely don't think my SIL believed me 🤣 They didn't have kids at the time. To be honest we just carried on ....yes, that's right family if you turn up on the beach at lunch time, you will find us packing up ready to head off for a nap!

Best thing we did was have a non-negotiable day as just our family in the middle of the week....we've done this with families we've been away with since. We've also had two days! It's helped us 'reset' as a family

Yes, I am concerned to start on this path will be to set it in stone... saying that, once our child is abit older it might not be so bad but with having an unsociable routine, I will worry about us being boring and the unpredictability of a challenging toddler. We have discussed it again, and I have made clear my reservations saying what alot of people have said on here. Hubby is now saying we don't have to go, it was just an idea. Slightly concerned that I will still look like the baddy but, FIL hopefully won't see it that way. Still really helpful to read the successes other families have had, and the attitude that we could try a long weekend as a trial but doesn't have to become a tradition. I feel if MIL finds out we go away with FIL, she would 100% be asking for the same, which is another reason for my hesitation to the suggestion in the first place.

I appreciate the perspective of 'investment'. That is a good way of looking at it.

Nothing should be non negotiable in a marriage.

A big ‘up yours’ to his non-negotiable remark. You and the child are not his chattels. Very Dickensian, And weird. Decide what is best for you and your child, then take it from there.

I remember mil coming with us on holiday when my sons were 5 and 6 absolute nightmare.
She was a difficult person though I think depends on the person .. and you absolutely have a say in everything especially this you're husband is not the boss..non-negotiable my arse .

I would suggest a holiday where you stay somewhere separate, like nearby lodges for example, then it takes the pressure off having to spend all your time with them.
Stick with a UK break as it’s so much less stressful. Find somewhere with lots of nearby activities for young kids. Make it clear you intend to do these kinds of attractions and then they can chose to come with you if they want to.

Basically your DH wants a holiday with his family, you can tag along and look after the toddler.

Toddler will be passed around like an adorable plaything, until toddler demonstrates toddler behaviour such as crying, screaming etc.

This is where you come in. You'll be responsible for all the shit jobs - bed, feeding, sunscreen, general mopping up.

I've seen it, chapter and verse!

I used to go on holiday with my in-laws and SIL when my kids were young. It was a tradition that tbh I really didn't enjoy. We would go with them and then stay longer on the resort by ourselves. Be careful it doesn't become a yearly occurrence if of course you don't enjoy it.