Please give advice and tips on holidaying with in laws and a young child

[Ewg9]

Hi, wasn't sure whether to list this under holidays or here. I'm looking for guidance and different perspective on family holidays with wider family in particular in-laws. Looking for advice on planning, managing expectations and costs etc. I may be overthinking this but just wondered about tips and advice people may have. My husband has suggested that it's a non-negotiable to holiday with his parents. They are divorced so we would be having seperate trips with them. We have a young child. I think he wants to holiday with them for quality time but also for babysitting for us. I find both sets a little awkward and to some degree difficult but would obviously do my best. I'm more comfortable with FIL and his 2nd wife but still feel abit apprehensive.

I have never pressured or expected hubby to holiday with my family. We visited my Dad once who works and lives abroad so I see him occasionally throughout the year whereas we see his parents atleast once a month and MIL more. I never holidayed with my Grandparents.

I'm looking for tips and guidance and things to factor in. I'm wondering about things like where to stay (e.g airbnb), sharing costs, sharing cooking and how we spend time. DO we spend the whole time together or split off and how to do this. Concerned about DCs routine aswell I think and worrying about being abit boring because we have a young child. I would like my hubby to sort it all with it being his family but also apprehensive that nothing will be planned and expectations won't be managed if I leave it to him. His Dad is pretty chilled though really so I may be worrying for nothing.

What kind of holiday do you like? You need to know that and what kind of holiday they like and see if those ideas are close enough to make it workable.

My parents are very much European focused, self-catering with car hire and visiting a place of interest every day. In-laws are more Far East, transport organised, some days staying by the pool all day, eating in and excursions organised by the hotel/tour company.

So when we went away with both sets together and toddler DC we had to be sure everyone was happy to compromise. We found a villa outside Malaga with DH and my dad happy to both drive and split into two teams; DH my mum and MIL on cooking and me, FIL and my dad on cleaning up.

It was a really nice 10 days in the end

As other pp have said, my children are grown up now but I have fond memories of holidaying with my parents and the in-laws. Last was a trip to Venice for my mother’s 80th and my son’s 18th. Key things were though

• we also had holidays as a family unit of just the 4 of us.
• often the grandparents would come for part of a holiday - so we’d have a fortnight somewhere and the in-laws would join us for a week
• grandparents definitely chipped in with help with children, cooking and financially. So it felt like a holiday for everyone
• we always did things separately as well as together so eg some of the party might go to the beach for the day, others would go to a museum

so it definitely can work and be a lovely thing to do - but it was never presented to me as a non-negotiable. That part would concern me

We have holidayed with my parents-in-law and our child(/ren) a few times and it has always worked well. We book out a good sized holiday cottage in the UK with a focus on a really good sized kitchen and dining space to share meals and a reasonable living room to relax in. I think if you can find two houses/apartments really close to each other that could also work.

We tend to spend most of our time together but have the odd afternoon or morning splitting off and doing our own things.

Routine is very important for us as our kids are so young so we keep to that when away too i.e. early dinners and same bedtime as usual. As we have often had a small baby and I EBF, I go to bed early with the baby and my husband stays up later with his parents.

Cooking meals is shared - some dinners his parents cook, sometimes we do, and a few nights we eat out or get a takeaway.

It has been a wonderful experience for our older child (younger is still a baby) to spend quality time with her grandparents. And it has allowed me and my husband the odd bit of time together which we don't otherwise get. Most important thing Is ensuring everyone has shared or compatible expectations for the holiday.

We did this for many years. Did I love it, definitely not, and at times I found it a bit suffocating. But here's the 'BUT', my kids loved it and they built very happy memories and great relationships with their GPs. Lao, it gave DH and I a chance to explore on our own and have a couple of dinners alone. Our parents were happy to spend time with the GC and didn't expect to be entertained. My advice is only do it in the UK, choose self catering and make sure it has easy access to walks/shops etc so you aren't isolated. We did it every May half term, split the week between 2 sets of parents. Now my parents are no longer with us I am glad we had the time together and can focus on the 'good times'

I did a lot of holidays with my ex-laws. They just kept assuming they were welcome and I couldn't put my foot down, and my exH was not bothered enough to do it. I can't remember a single one of those holidays that was actually fun. At best, it was bearable. I started taking my young DC by myself to the beach etc, and it all worked beautifully after that. Now that holidays with ex-laws is behind me, every one of my holidays is miles better!

As others have said, the fact that anything in your relationship is 'non-negotiable' is the real problem.

The last time I went with mine, who I love to bits, I went the shop on the second day for a bottle of gin.

I honestly think the world of them, but it was hard work

Seriously though; stay somewhere bigger than you’ll think you need. Set some boundaries and ask theirs, especially around food and meals

Couldn’t agree more with this

We regularly holiday with our teenage son, my partner’s daughter/daughters, their husbands, grandchild and dog.

Make sure you stay somewhere big enough for you to get away from each other, we always book somewhere with two sitting rooms for example.

Plan activities that all will enjoy as well as some days spent in smaller groups (or in my case on my own). We always have one day where we have our grandson to give them a day by themselves.

Food-wise we tend to share out the days, so one family is in-charge each day - they can either pay for a meal out or buy and cook food for that day.

Why is going on holiday with both PILs non-negotiable? Your DH isn't the boss of you so surely he can't force you to do this? What would he say/do if you said no?

Going on two separate holidays each year will use up a lot of annual leave and will leave less time for you to do anything with your parents.

If he wants to holiday with his parents and child I think that’s lovely. I don’t think I’d respond well to the idea that it’s non-negotiable for me to come along.

I’ve never gone on holiday with my in laws - never interested and neither were they. But my DH did go visit my parents in their home abroad. They loved him and he them it was an amazing time with no issues. The kids were little but I didn’t expect my parents to do anything other than usual: hold them, talk to them etc. I so remember my dad beach combing with my son or teaching how to build a fire.
If you go definitely have your own space, a place to retreat to, and marked the finances clear cut. I would do your own thing and meet at dinner, maybe taking turns to host. Or if planning an excursion do that together, but certainly there should be time just your family - I’m sure they’d like a break from you too! If they expect you to be with them all day, whether hanging out at the pool or their airbnb or whatever, say a polite ‘no thanks, we want to do xyz and will join you later’. And for gods sake make sure your DH is on board with this. If not - tell him he can go on his own with kids and these are the conditions of you going.

I'd tell him you're happy for him to go on two separate holidays with his child and each of his parents have a lovely time, byeeeee.

No one gets to instruct you on what to use your annual leave for.

This would be my suggestion too!!

This

OP, my understanding of marriage is that adultery is non-negotiable but everything else is very much up for discussion, compromise and careful consideration of the feelings of your spouse. Is DH like this generally?

My husband has suggested that it's a non-negotiable to holiday with his parents.

I have never pressured or expected hubby to holiday with my family.

It sounds like you are both at opposites. I'd offer a compromise- DH takes the kids on holiday with his parents if it is a must-do for him, but you won't partake.

Just say no, you don’t want to.

My husband has suggested that it's a non-negotiable to holiday with his parents.

Id be suggesting very firmly that it's a non-negotiable that you don't!

We did used to holiday with my Mum on occasion, but that was because her and DP got on famously, and wanted to do it.

It does have it's advantages. Built in babysitting for one. In a weeks holiday we'd all take a turn or two of staying in with DD, while the other two went out for the evening. And Mum would generally take DD out by herself one day to give us a relaxed day by the pool, whereas other days we'd go out as a family and leave my Mum at the hotel.

But it really only works if you properly have a fantastic relationship with your inlaws, and even then it can get fraught. Two weeks in Florida was a step too far for all of us and resulted in a bit of a blow up.

I did this once when pregnant with dc2. It honestly put me off my in-laws so badly. Things have never been the same since! They were just really obnoxious. Not so much my pils but they did enable the sils a bit and I did lose a little respect for them.

Anyway, I would advise against it based on my experience. I didn't want to go either but dh pressured me into it a bit because it was mil's big birthday. Never again!

Im a gparent and have been on many multi generational holidays, with sometimes as many as 18 family members. My tips would be - if a villa, make sure there are en-suites and plenty of spaces to relax inside and out. A pool is great! Make a cooking/ shopping rota. Breakfasts should be get your own and not wait for anyone. Plan optional activities. Take lots of toys/activities/games. If you want childcare ask for it so everyone knows where they stand and don't assume they are watching the children if they haven't been asked. It can be great fun, but if its not for you then say no!

Go for a long weekend as a first try - it minimises annual leave and costs if it's horrible and if you have a great time you can always go for longer next time.

If you're not keen, you don't have to organise it. How sorted are DH and his parents usually about things? The most I'd do is set up a group chat with the people who'd be going, say 'we thought it'd be nice to spend a long weekend all together, shall we try to put some dates in the diary? We were thinking March-April'. Then wait. DH can coordinate dates and find something that works for everyone. (Make the most of being able to go outside school holidays if you can.) Maybe suggest something you'd enjoy (I'd go for UK first - CentreParcs, Hoseaons, lodges with hot tubs and onsite soft play, holiday cottage by the coast...) and then do nothing. Do not prompt DH, do not try to manage everyone to a decision, do not book anything. If your DH mentions it say that you've blocked the dates (if they got as far as that) in your diary, so whatever he and parent decide is great. Ask him questions 'are we splitting 50:50 by family, or by no. bedrooms used' and don't try to find the answers for him.

You absolutely don't have to do all the work for a holiday you're not really keen on. If you want be explicit and up-front about it. 'I'm not wildly keen on going, so you sort something out with parents. I'l book a week in summer for a family holiday just the 3 of us as well that way we get the best of both worlds.'

We’ve done this with both sets - one side were quite tricky, just food, making plans etc other side were easier!! My recommendations are:
go on a cruise or somewhere that has kids club
if renting a cottage/gite get one a bit bigger than you need so there is space
Before you go have a conversation about keeping track of common spending, expectations about excursions, evenings etc
Have separate cars so you get done space!
accept that routines etc may not be followed…but kids will remember the holidays v fondly
enjoy!!!

THIS!!
Tried a 3 generation holiday once, stupidly went back and did it a 2nd time. Too many people with too many different needs to be met, never again! Particularly bad if you're the "middle generation" because your parents treat you like a child whilst having your own children to also deal with.

Thanks so much for all the replies. All really helpful. I didn't mean to be so vague and should have said the trip would be in the UK. DH has discussed with his Dad about holidaying in Scotland, he asked me about 6 months ago about it, I was non committal at the time as I had my doubts and forgot about it. He's kept discussing it with his Dad so now feel abit pressured to agree and I will look like the baddy if i say no. feel abit setup I am a SAHM so I don't need to worry about my leave. Husband is a teacher so will have time off to use so not using annual leave but I have no interest really in holidaying with extended family and feel most relaxed when it’s just Hubby me and toddler and we are not worrying about anyone else. I really appreciate peoples experience though of having a nice time and having those memories to look back on. I agree that a long weekend setup could work and frame it like that. Re: the non negotiable phrase he didn't use that term exactly, but he has used it in relation to his family in the past. I have had a run in with MIL, BIL (DH's brother) and SIL (his wife) and he advised me that they were non negotiable which is understandable but difficult when we just don't get on or agree all the time. Although he hasn't used the phrase, I'd say it was in the tone when he last spoke about going away with his relatives which is why I used it. Sorry if it was misleading. Really appreciate everyone's advice and perspectives.

You don't need to say no, you can say absolutely, go for it, and that you will be relaxing at home.