Wife avoids planned date nights at home and I feel rejected

[DEREKR]

Hi Ladies

Im a 49 yr old male needing some female advice. Ive signed up to this because i really need a womens advice here becauze im.all put of ideas. Ive been with my wife now 20 years shes 45, married for 13, and have two beautiful children 10 and 13. Im.quite.succesfull, so fortunate to plan overseas holidays, nice restaurants often, as well as live in a good suburb with all the usual perks. My.wifes birthday I surprised her with yhe new land rover discovery ehich I thinkshe appreciates. . Every week I try.organise a date night for us, with us having no family here, its hard to organise baby sitters , and my 10 yr old gets scared if we do. Fortunately ive 2 bars in my house, 1 is being a wine bar. So 2 months ago I suggested a date night st home at the wine bar. I showered, got changed in what she tells.me thinks I look nice in, nice bottles of red wine. I asked my 13yr old son to make sure they would both go to bed early that night which he did. Eventually she came down. I must add this. In her ptjamas, hair tied back, zero make up on. No effort at all. During this date I had pre arranged for her engagement ring to be delivered which needed a new clasp. It was a 1 carrat vs1 diamond, but id ask them to make it yo a 1.2carrat as a surprise. Anyway, I gave this to her as a surprise. The date night went fairly ok, and was good to talk with no kids around. I said we need to do this once a week or once every 2 weeks to be realistic. As parents kids lives happen and hard to get that break. 2 weeks later I organise it again. Baring in mind inbetween we go to restaurants in the week. This is alone time. This time the same, wine var, wine, and the diomand they took out the ring id had made into a necklace which I gave her that nightz so the proposal diamond she would still gave. Great night again. Now, this is where I need advice. The next time , 2 weeks after Id arranged date night, I sat waiting downstairs and she hadnt come downstairs. I waited half an hour thinking maybe shes getting dressed (the 2nd date night was same again, wore clothes she wore all day), so thought maybe this time she was making the effort. Eventually I go upstairs to see where she is, and she was lying on my daughters bedz in her pyjamas on Facebook which shes addicted to, and just casually said to mw"urrgh im coming now". To which intold ger dont even bother. If it was such an effort to come down and be with me, rhen dont bother. I got stood up in my own home on a date with my wife. Now that was 8 weeks ago. I told her im dine making all the effort for this marriage and have alone time, ajd rhe next date night she is organising. Its been 2 months now and not one single thing has she organised so we can be alone. My son has even asked her why she hasnt arranged a date night. I eventually sat her down and asked why. Het reply was "because yiull expect me to be wearing a body stocking or lingerie. Why cant we just watch a movie together". Now no where have I ever said that to herz but as a women, why would that be the issue. Other women before my wife, wearing sexy lingetie is a turn on for both parties and why wouldn't she want to wear it. Again, not having ever even mentioned it but why would that be the issue. And before you say shes got a complex, shes lost 10kgs, trains with me at gym everyday, in peptides, I oay for her to have her hair done every month, best shes looked in years, but why use that as an excuse. Am I wrong in thinking maybe there's another man. My son and I call her homescreen bwvause whenever we walk passed herz shes staring at her homescreen (obviously turns it off). Maybe im.paranoid about that hut mostly I feel so rejected and hurt. I orovide an incredible life for us snd rhe family. Overseas trips, there at every sporting even of my kids, I help with lifting, im a very hands on father and make so much effort to be with my wife but she cant even turn up to a dare nighr, snd when she has, zero efforts been made by her. More of an effort for her. Surely shes want to be with her hsubamd and have time out from the kids. Yes its at home, but its a "datennight " in our wine bar, just catching uo gor a cple hrs and laughing anf not being parents for once. Just the 2 of us, yet she makes no effort, even though 8 weeks have passed and the kids have even asked why she wont organise a date night. Shes so anti. So now ive closed off from her. I refuse to organise one and waiting for her to, yet I kmow now it will never happen. Any tips and advice here would be so grateful bevause im feeling so rejected. If she loved me surely she'd want to make an effort and arrange a datennight herself and to make up for standing me up, but water.off a ducks back for her. Im seriously looking into divorce. Well its there now in my head, where it wasn't before. Any assistance /advice ladies id really appreciate

Yes that’s the gist, as usual it’s a man making an effort only when he wants sex and being annoyed that his wife (who as usual is basically an appliance with a vagina in his eyes) doesn’t want to partake. With the added bonus of this one wanging on about how much money he has and all the stuff he buys her, again, with the expectation of sex. So grim.

And I love that they think women are focused on “keeping a man”, as if any man, i.e. wasters like them, will do. I wonder why, statistically speaking, single women are the happiest subset of women with these being the specimens usually on offer?

MN deleting all of the posts telling OP he’s being unreasonable and mentioning his bad spelling is dead weird… is this someone’s husband from MNHQ or what? 🤨

Btw, It’s ’you’re a man hater’ not ‘your’. 🙄

Seems a good time plop down the rules of misogny here, as you seem to think it’s ’man-hating’ to disagree with you. See point 12.

Between you and the Op you tick so many of them.

1. Women are responsible for what men do.
2. Women saying no to men is a hate crime.
3. Women speaking for themselves are exclusionary and selfish.
4. Women’s opinions are violence against men, thus male violence against women is justified.
5. Women and Feminism must be useful to men or they are worthless.
6. Women who go around being female AT men by menstruating and breastfeeding babies deserve punishment.
7. Women should always be grateful to men for everything.
8. Men are whatever men say they are and women are whatever men say they are.
9. Men always know the “real reasons” for everything women do and say.
10. The worst thing about male violence is that it makes men look bad.
11. Whatever women suffer from, it is worse when it happens to men.
12. Women’s ability to recognize male behavior patterns is misandry.
13. Angry women are crazy. Angry men have trouble expressing themselves.
14. Women have all the rights they need: The right to remain silent.
15. Men are the default human. Women are strange subhuman others.
16. Everyone owns and controls women’s bodies except the women themselves.

I mean, have you tried asking her?

Like actually sitting down and asking her what’s going on. That might be a good start.

It could be something like she feels you are being transactional with this whole wine bar thing and resents it because she feels you only do it to…get something out of it. That she feels it’s a big song and a dance to get her to put out or something.

The fact that your kid knows suggests that you’ve maybe brought up this personal relationship issue infront of the kid and now might be using them to pressure her. Or that they feel they need to pressure her to keep you happy. I hope that’s not what is going on. Becuase you should be shutting that down by defending your wife. Something like “Those are mum and dad things to sort, don’t concern yourself with that”.

Worst case scenario it could be that she has checked out of the relationship.

Either way, you need to have a serious sit down discussion and ask her what’s going on, what she thinks and feels about things.

Ffs! Ask her what she wants to do. Snuggle on the sofa with a movie is perfect! I love doing that with my wife.
We figured out that we can shift work and change hours around so neither of us works Mondays anymore so we can spend that day while the kids are at school together. Sometimes we go for lunch. Others we go shopping or do something fun. Most often we snuggle and watch a series or a film. But the point is we communicate about what we want. And its hard to do any of that if the house is a state so if on a monday morning the kids are off to school and we've had a busy weekend. We spend an hour together cleaning and making it fun.

Sit down with your wife and say you really enjoy time together and would like more of it and ask her what she wants. And to be 100% clear on this point. It is not about sex! Make that clear. Just time together to connect and enjoy each other's company and if that ends up in the bed because both of you want that then thats that then. But that cannot be the motivator for dates.

I would not ever want to give up watching crap snuggled together or even on seperate sofas over sex.

Your wife coming down in her pj's is a good sign. Its relaxed. Perfect attire for just being.

Here come the grammar police, i'm sure i could write a list very similar about women but i wouldn't do it because:

A. It's not in my nature
B. I'm not a woman hater (although, to be fair i think you're a tw*t)
C. I'm not sexist

The problem with MN is that when someone reports a post they just delete it without thinking about context. So the OP will have reported those replies as being offensive and MN just capitulates. Because it’s okay for a man to start a thread about wanting his wife to essentially behave like a prostitute for his satisfaction but heaven forfend anyone pulls him up on his spelling or misogyny.

😂😂😂

Oh you absolutely can make any lists about women you want, and there are thousands of misogynistic forums out there available for that very purpose. So why are you on this particular forum? What is it about women having one forum on the entire internet that bothers men so much? And why do all the men come out of the woodwork on threads about sex?

Where are these men on threads about child development, or investments, or tackling misogyny, or politics, or work issues etc.? Nope, always on the sex threads though, ready to tell women they’re not “giving” men enough sex and trying to “trap” them. It’s so pathetic.

Exactly this. Seems pretty backwards to delete posts telling a man he’s wrong to expect his wife to layer on the makeup, dress sexy and wear lingerie for him in their own home at his request for his date nights. What a charmer eh. We can only hope OP’s wife is on here and spots this thread I guess.

No, if it was someone from MNHQ she wouldn’t be deleting those posts, she’d be feeling validated that so many other women find the badly spelt whining as revolting as she does.

Quite - he might not be getting "objective" here, but he's getting a good idea at how his behaviour comes off to most women, and therefore probably his wife, even if that's not how he is intending it.

She knows where the date night has to lead and doesn’t want it.

Home wine bar 😂

Got images of Del boy here

In my defence, if you read my comments on other posts you'll see that all of my activity is in the relationships category but not just on posts relating to sex, just being here should tell you that i value a woman's opinion, i would 100% agree with any woman that says 'most' men are in it for one thing and don't consider what their partners actually want. But i'm not one of those men, we do actually exist it's not a myth...my reason for being here is because i like to have the views of both men and women when it comes to relationships, it helps me learn and hopefully improve, it has actually opened my eyes at times and made me thing differently about relationships. Granted some of the opinions may be a bit 'ill conceived' but as long as someone isn't launching a personal attack on me their opinion is still valid.

Oh you absolutely are one of those men. Hanging around the relationships board of a women’s forum to school us on ways to hang on to our men? We can all see exactly what you are.

OP, you say you are providing her with an incredible life. By this, you mean you pay for things. Does she feel her life with you is incredible? She doesn't sound like she wants to get dressed up to hang around with you at home in your 'wine bar' and yet, rather than listen to her, you are considering divorce. Incredible lives are a cooperative process. You can't just tell her how marvellous her life is because you bought her a Land Rover.

Your date nights sound like an obligation to play a role she doesn't want to play. I can't say I blame her. She has said she would like to watch a movie. Do that, OP! She's told you what she wants. You don't actually need to ask Mumsnet.

Why on earth can't you sort out some form of childcare?

Personally if I couldn't have a night out with my DH, pretending at home whilst the kids skulk around would not be enticing. Your DS should not be pulled into this to comment on her lack of date night action as this is wrong on many levels.

Sorry, OP. It is hard to see your side on this one.

Paragraphs would be a huge advantage in future posts not to satisfy a pedantic lust for grammar but as a way of grouping similar ideas together to aid the comprehension and interest of others. It was a hard read, on a number of levels.

Why be horrible?

That poor woman. My fandango would be clamping shut like a Venus fly trap at the mention of a home date in one of the wine bars.

Sounds to me that she has checked out the relationship. Speak to her if this is the case move on

She’s got the ick and no amount of fancy cars and diamonds will change that.

Yep, i guess you're right, spending over 50 years in relationships where i haven't once been unfaithful and where i live and breathe the people who are close to me in a completely selfless manner must make me 'one of those men' 👏

I certainly have no interest in schooling, how you decide to treat your man is up to you, makes no difference to me if you and him are happy or not.

If my husband used the words 'date night' to me or, even worse, 'date night at home' I'd have the ick so bad I'd be in my pyjamas too.

@OMGDidYouSayThat go fuck yourself