Wife avoids planned date nights at home and I feel rejected

[DEREKR]

Hi Ladies

Im a 49 yr old male needing some female advice. Ive signed up to this because i really need a womens advice here becauze im.all put of ideas. Ive been with my wife now 20 years shes 45, married for 13, and have two beautiful children 10 and 13. Im.quite.succesfull, so fortunate to plan overseas holidays, nice restaurants often, as well as live in a good suburb with all the usual perks. My.wifes birthday I surprised her with yhe new land rover discovery ehich I thinkshe appreciates. . Every week I try.organise a date night for us, with us having no family here, its hard to organise baby sitters , and my 10 yr old gets scared if we do. Fortunately ive 2 bars in my house, 1 is being a wine bar. So 2 months ago I suggested a date night st home at the wine bar. I showered, got changed in what she tells.me thinks I look nice in, nice bottles of red wine. I asked my 13yr old son to make sure they would both go to bed early that night which he did. Eventually she came down. I must add this. In her ptjamas, hair tied back, zero make up on. No effort at all. During this date I had pre arranged for her engagement ring to be delivered which needed a new clasp. It was a 1 carrat vs1 diamond, but id ask them to make it yo a 1.2carrat as a surprise. Anyway, I gave this to her as a surprise. The date night went fairly ok, and was good to talk with no kids around. I said we need to do this once a week or once every 2 weeks to be realistic. As parents kids lives happen and hard to get that break. 2 weeks later I organise it again. Baring in mind inbetween we go to restaurants in the week. This is alone time. This time the same, wine var, wine, and the diomand they took out the ring id had made into a necklace which I gave her that nightz so the proposal diamond she would still gave. Great night again. Now, this is where I need advice. The next time , 2 weeks after Id arranged date night, I sat waiting downstairs and she hadnt come downstairs. I waited half an hour thinking maybe shes getting dressed (the 2nd date night was same again, wore clothes she wore all day), so thought maybe this time she was making the effort. Eventually I go upstairs to see where she is, and she was lying on my daughters bedz in her pyjamas on Facebook which shes addicted to, and just casually said to mw"urrgh im coming now". To which intold ger dont even bother. If it was such an effort to come down and be with me, rhen dont bother. I got stood up in my own home on a date with my wife. Now that was 8 weeks ago. I told her im dine making all the effort for this marriage and have alone time, ajd rhe next date night she is organising. Its been 2 months now and not one single thing has she organised so we can be alone. My son has even asked her why she hasnt arranged a date night. I eventually sat her down and asked why. Het reply was "because yiull expect me to be wearing a body stocking or lingerie. Why cant we just watch a movie together". Now no where have I ever said that to herz but as a women, why would that be the issue. Other women before my wife, wearing sexy lingetie is a turn on for both parties and why wouldn't she want to wear it. Again, not having ever even mentioned it but why would that be the issue. And before you say shes got a complex, shes lost 10kgs, trains with me at gym everyday, in peptides, I oay for her to have her hair done every month, best shes looked in years, but why use that as an excuse. Am I wrong in thinking maybe there's another man. My son and I call her homescreen bwvause whenever we walk passed herz shes staring at her homescreen (obviously turns it off). Maybe im.paranoid about that hut mostly I feel so rejected and hurt. I orovide an incredible life for us snd rhe family. Overseas trips, there at every sporting even of my kids, I help with lifting, im a very hands on father and make so much effort to be with my wife but she cant even turn up to a dare nighr, snd when she has, zero efforts been made by her. More of an effort for her. Surely shes want to be with her hsubamd and have time out from the kids. Yes its at home, but its a "datennight " in our wine bar, just catching uo gor a cple hrs and laughing anf not being parents for once. Just the 2 of us, yet she makes no effort, even though 8 weeks have passed and the kids have even asked why she wont organise a date night. Shes so anti. So now ive closed off from her. I refuse to organise one and waiting for her to, yet I kmow now it will never happen. Any tips and advice here would be so grateful bevause im feeling so rejected. If she loved me surely she'd want to make an effort and arrange a datennight herself and to make up for standing me up, but water.off a ducks back for her. Im seriously looking into divorce. Well its there now in my head, where it wasn't before. Any assistance /advice ladies id really appreciate

She obviously doesn’t want to do the wine bar date night. She suggested the movie night together which could be lovely. What if you ask her what (and when) she would like to do something together. Otherwise it just seems like a diary entry for sex. (Do you expect the date night to automatically mean sex? If so that might be part of the problem).

Said he was successful, didn’t say in business. He could have done really badly at school, got into a trade and built up from there. Just because his grammar and spelling is bad doesn’t mean he can’t be successful

If she’d like a casual movie night as a date night, have you tried suggesting that?
I’d hate to think that I had to dress up in sexy lingerie and do my hair and make up for a night with my husband downstairs. And the jewellery is OTT. Just connect on an actual human basis. Chat, watch a film, physical affection without the expectation of sex…

I feel sorry for you. If I had put in that effort and my husband rejected me or couldn't be arsed to even get dressed i would be pissed off too. She seems quite disengaged from the relationship. How is the rest of your relationship aside from the date nights? Do you talk, laugh, have affection? Do you bicker or snipe at each other?

To try and read between the lines her comment about body stockings indicates she feels you're not really interested in HER as an individual or a woman unless you're getting sex from her. Do you think she may feel that? I would recommend trying to talk to her in a non confrontational way and organising some marriage counselling (with her consent don't just book it)

And you say past partners were happy to dress up in lingerie… well I’m going to assume that you weren’t with them for 20 years and they didn’t bear you 2 kids. Relationships evolve. A 2 year child free relationships in your 20s isn’t going to look the same as a 20 year relationship in your 40s/50s with children involved.

@DEREKR

Money cant buy love
Money can't buy connection
Money cant buy affection

Discoveries, diamonds, expensive holidays dont mean anything.....if you have yourself a woman whose materialistic then what shes now discovered is that having all those objects doesnt mean you love/cherish/adore and want your partner, you are both just empty vessels

Would you wife still be there without all those objects?
From your post i highly doubt it

Your relationship is in serious trouble OP and I don't think that any suggestions from here about how your wife is thinking, will be helpful. Tell her seriously that you can see things are not OK between you, and ask if she wants to work on the marriage with you. If so, arrange some couples counselling.

You don’t need advice here. Your wife has spelt it quite clearly to you.

“Het reply was "because yiull expect me to be wearing a body stocking or lingerie. Why cant we just watch a movie together".”

You’re a sex pest and she just wants to start with you being a friend to her.

You, like a lot of men, think wives are a sex appliance and wonder why it doesn’t work properly even though they throw holidays and range rovers at it. You forget that sometimes she’d just like to hang out, in pjs, and be a human being first without having to truss herself up so you can stick your dick in her.

He hasn’t said he wants more sex though has he? He has said he wants his wife to want to spend time with him, and to make an effort wanting to spend time with him

This is only going to work if he recognises the need to develop empathy, and to put his relationship before the needs of his dick. Neither of which this limited individual seems currently capable of. It’s not the wife who needs fixing.

Reported that a man dared come on MN and asked advice about his wife not really wanting to spend time with him? I agree that it seems like he thinks he can just throw money around to make her happy, but is it really a reportable issue?

I’m going to bypass the scepticism and presume good intent

So….

What do you think emotional connection looks like for your wife, OP?
Have you asked her what emotional connection means to her?
If you have, have you listened, asked follow up questions, led with curiosity in knowing her better, and followed up with action if needed?

What do you mean YOU pay for her hair to be done? Tell us more about how you view money as a married couple….

What gave you actually done to make her feel seen as a fully formed whole human being?

Not as a sex toy (which seems to be the issue here given your obsession with making effort to look good and her explanation that she’s struggling to make the effort YOU want because SHE feels like she’s having to perform in lingerie)

I didn't say the wife needed fixing, I said that couples counselling might help. He doesn't understand what the marriage feels like to her, and a good counsellor could help her explain and help him listen. But that will only work if his wife also wants to work on the marriage - she may want out, in which case couples counselling can help with arranging that with the least suffering to the children and adults.

Maybe she is bored of all your 'showing off'?
Msybe snuggling up watching a movie is her preference to being expected to dress up and sit there waiting for you to give her whatever you have bought her this week?

She's avoiding sex

Maybe she is just in a bad space. Maybe she is going through "the change" and is unsure of herself in her mind and hormones. Maybe it doesn't need to be planned and be spontaneous. Are there arguments and issues during the day that can affect how she's feeling emotionally? It doesn't mean she is avoiding date night. She might very well be feeling disconnected and trying to find her way back without pressure. Her libido could have taken a knock due to hormones which seem to change daily from some age. Be kind to her and know that she will come back. Don't use money and buying things as a weapon or a reward. You should be living life comfortably together, not making her feel like she needs to do this or that for something. Try fix other problems that are creating distance in the marriage, hurtful things said, accusations made, not being equal. I bet if you treated her as an equal she'd feel like a woman who had control of her life and not feel so lost. Work on the foundations and the rest will fall into place.

Not to mention the fact that rings don't have "clasps".

Ignore everyone on here that is mentioning the bad spelling or the lingerie thing because to me it doesn’t seem like you’re insisting she wears lingerie all the time or that she has sex with you every single time. You have to understand that some of the women on here and the majority of those commenting negatively, probably don’t have sex anymore and probably don’t wear lingerie, And I probably not doing well financially, so this is very triggering for them and possibly unbelievable.

You need to have a serious talk with your wife about how she feels about you and your relationship . You probably do need a
counselling. It does sound like she’s not into you anymore.

Why are your kids involved in your marriage like that? Are you using them to put pressure on her, because if so that is NOT cool.

I also don't believe someone can earn loads of dosh and yet be unable to write clearly on a forum either.

It's a difficult situation. It does sound like you're making a lot of effort for the family and the relationship. Maybe your wife also feels like she is making a lot of effort in her own way, I don't know.

I think unless the spontaneous desire to spend time with each other is there, then often one person will start to think about "everything they are doing for the relationship" and it all starts to seem a bit transactional. But maybe, regardless of all the money spent on her, the wine bars, date nights etc - you're just feeling rejected as it seems she doesn't prioritise or enjoy spending time with you? I mean it's understandable to feel hurt about that.

It can be exhausting for parents when you have children at a certain age, work, house to maintain, other responsibilities. I know I felt like that. If I was in the house with all the never ending demands, I just couldn't seem to switch off. I'm not sure I would have enjoyed a "date night" at home. Do you think your wife might prefer a weekend away somewhere, just the two of you, where she can really switch off and relax?

I think she could just be overwhelmed with life (hence the staring at the phone all the time to disengage), and she may not have the headspace or energy to prioritise the connection with you. The other possibility is that she may unfortunately just not feel the connection with you and has checked out emotionally.

I think the only way to resolve this is through having some honest conversations and/ or maybe therapy so you can both understand each other's feelings and go on from there. It's not easy though.

What kind of bar is the second bar? I actually enjoy spending time with my husband but no way I'm dressing up every week or every second week for at home date night. Why can't you just hang out?

Replies like this baffle me…

“Maybe she is just in a bad space. Maybe she is going through "the change" and is unsure of herself in her mind and hormones. Maybe it doesn't need to be planned and be spontaneous. ..”

All a suggestion that she is the one with the problem and there is a magic pill or switch that will just fix it.

How about instead, maybe there is fuck all wrong with her, but after a day looking after kids and God knows what else, she’d rather spend a night staring at her phone than having to do overtime performing like a high class hooker to please Mr Sexpest.