Wife avoids planned date nights at home and I feel rejected

[DEREKR]

Hi Ladies

Im a 49 yr old male needing some female advice. Ive signed up to this because i really need a womens advice here becauze im.all put of ideas. Ive been with my wife now 20 years shes 45, married for 13, and have two beautiful children 10 and 13. Im.quite.succesfull, so fortunate to plan overseas holidays, nice restaurants often, as well as live in a good suburb with all the usual perks. My.wifes birthday I surprised her with yhe new land rover discovery ehich I thinkshe appreciates. . Every week I try.organise a date night for us, with us having no family here, its hard to organise baby sitters , and my 10 yr old gets scared if we do. Fortunately ive 2 bars in my house, 1 is being a wine bar. So 2 months ago I suggested a date night st home at the wine bar. I showered, got changed in what she tells.me thinks I look nice in, nice bottles of red wine. I asked my 13yr old son to make sure they would both go to bed early that night which he did. Eventually she came down. I must add this. In her ptjamas, hair tied back, zero make up on. No effort at all. During this date I had pre arranged for her engagement ring to be delivered which needed a new clasp. It was a 1 carrat vs1 diamond, but id ask them to make it yo a 1.2carrat as a surprise. Anyway, I gave this to her as a surprise. The date night went fairly ok, and was good to talk with no kids around. I said we need to do this once a week or once every 2 weeks to be realistic. As parents kids lives happen and hard to get that break. 2 weeks later I organise it again. Baring in mind inbetween we go to restaurants in the week. This is alone time. This time the same, wine var, wine, and the diomand they took out the ring id had made into a necklace which I gave her that nightz so the proposal diamond she would still gave. Great night again. Now, this is where I need advice. The next time , 2 weeks after Id arranged date night, I sat waiting downstairs and she hadnt come downstairs. I waited half an hour thinking maybe shes getting dressed (the 2nd date night was same again, wore clothes she wore all day), so thought maybe this time she was making the effort. Eventually I go upstairs to see where she is, and she was lying on my daughters bedz in her pyjamas on Facebook which shes addicted to, and just casually said to mw"urrgh im coming now". To which intold ger dont even bother. If it was such an effort to come down and be with me, rhen dont bother. I got stood up in my own home on a date with my wife. Now that was 8 weeks ago. I told her im dine making all the effort for this marriage and have alone time, ajd rhe next date night she is organising. Its been 2 months now and not one single thing has she organised so we can be alone. My son has even asked her why she hasnt arranged a date night. I eventually sat her down and asked why. Het reply was "because yiull expect me to be wearing a body stocking or lingerie. Why cant we just watch a movie together". Now no where have I ever said that to herz but as a women, why would that be the issue. Other women before my wife, wearing sexy lingetie is a turn on for both parties and why wouldn't she want to wear it. Again, not having ever even mentioned it but why would that be the issue. And before you say shes got a complex, shes lost 10kgs, trains with me at gym everyday, in peptides, I oay for her to have her hair done every month, best shes looked in years, but why use that as an excuse. Am I wrong in thinking maybe there's another man. My son and I call her homescreen bwvause whenever we walk passed herz shes staring at her homescreen (obviously turns it off). Maybe im.paranoid about that hut mostly I feel so rejected and hurt. I orovide an incredible life for us snd rhe family. Overseas trips, there at every sporting even of my kids, I help with lifting, im a very hands on father and make so much effort to be with my wife but she cant even turn up to a dare nighr, snd when she has, zero efforts been made by her. More of an effort for her. Surely shes want to be with her hsubamd and have time out from the kids. Yes its at home, but its a "datennight " in our wine bar, just catching uo gor a cple hrs and laughing anf not being parents for once. Just the 2 of us, yet she makes no effort, even though 8 weeks have passed and the kids have even asked why she wont organise a date night. Shes so anti. So now ive closed off from her. I refuse to organise one and waiting for her to, yet I kmow now it will never happen. Any tips and advice here would be so grateful bevause im feeling so rejected. If she loved me surely she'd want to make an effort and arrange a datennight herself and to make up for standing me up, but water.off a ducks back for her. Im seriously looking into divorce. Well its there now in my head, where it wasn't before. Any assistance /advice ladies id really appreciate

If this is real, which I highly doubt it is, but just in case it is, here are my thoughts:

1. you don’t mention sex, but that’s what it screams to me is what you are actually after
2. you pick “home date nights” because you want sex without the effort of an actual date night
3. I wonder how much time you are at home, how much housework you do, how much of the childcare you’ve done over the years and how much of the mental load you do. You say about holidays - do you research, pick and book these, it does your wife do that and you pay for it?
4. You are involving your son in manipulating your wife and calling her names - that’s gross
5. Does your wife have access to money to spend, or does she have to ask you, or only get what you choose to spend on her?
6. Your wife won’t have got the idea from nowhere that you expect her to dress up in sexy lingerie. Maybe you haven’t said it, but you’ve probably bought her it.
7. You treat your wife like a whore. You expect her to respond to you because you spend money on her. That’s disgusting. She wants you to treat her like an equal. She wants you to talk to her, to woo her. She wants you to show an interest in the kids. She wants you to clean the skid marks you leave in the toilet bowl, and stick a load of laundry on occasionally.

You see, I think he has come to exactly the right forum, it’s just that he doesn’t like what he is hearing and therefore rejects it.

He doesn’t really want “Date Night” he wants sex, and in a way that his wife find demeaning, which is of no interest to him.

OP, needs to go right back to the basics of respect, kindness, positive regard - that’s what’s lacking here, not a bigger diamond.

I wouldn’t voluntarily or enthusiastically have sex with a man I knew saw me as little more than a hole, I imagine OP’s wife is the same.

Lingerie is only a turn on for both parties if both parties like and fancy each other. Sounds like you're putting on too much pressure on a situation and probably giving her a major ick. It sounds like she's checked out, but still reaping the financial rewards of you churning out the cash. Put everyone out of their misery and call it quits.

Im seriously looking into divorce. Well its there now in my head, where it wasn't before.

I imagine that’s mutual. Nothing you’ve written makes me think you have a good relationship with your wife.

2 bars? Are you an alcoholic?

Perhaps she wanted to choose her own car.

"This forum has a Pendants' Corner"

Now you're just teasing us!

She sounds very lucky to have you. So many women would appreciate this sort of relationship

Exactly. It’s always so extractive. All they seem to want from women is either sex or to talk about sex. That’s all we are: appliances with vaginas.

Love how he’s not come back. Pahahaha

I am sorry but reading your post has made me feel ick.

You treat your wife as a mixture of a whore. You don't seem to respect her or seem to see her as an independent person.

You do these big gestures but you don't appear to give her a say. Did she want a bigger stone in her engagement ring. Did she want the old diamond reset into a necklace. Why would you get these delivered during date night?

I note that while you were getting ready for the date that, that she was doing bedtimes.

Lingerie is clearly not for her. Just because other women liked it does not mean your wife does.

How dare you and your son called her names. Your 13 year old should not be so involved that he is questioning why his mother is not arranging date night.

Clearly the date night at the bar is not for her. She suggested watching a movie so do that. No need to dress up. You also say that you go to the gym together - go for a coffee and a chat afterwards or lunch.

Yuck @DEREKR , it all sounds very grim. You do not own your wife and FFS stop involving your children. No child needs a heads up to stay hidden away as their parents will be having sex, that is very dysfunctional.

I wouldn't like date nights every week. Having to tidy the house for a babysitter, arrange my schedule around it and prepare for the evening.

Maybe she just wants something low key.
Maybe your love language is spending money on her and hers is time spent with you.
How many times a week does she want date nights?
Why is it a problem to slob out together on the sofa and watch a film once in a while?

I don't want to dress up and wear fancy underwear for my husband often because I have a life full of responsibilities, and sex (while wonderful) is not the rush it was in the early stage of our relationship and recreating that weekly sounds exhausting for any woman.

You sound thoughtful (in that you are genuinely trying to make her happy) but thoughtless (are you thinking of what she actually wants, are you actually making her unhappy with all this pressure) all at once.

Yeah zero makeup and her hair up. In her own home. What a slattern! If I were her I’d have the massive ick from Derek.

This is spot on. I spend loads of money on my wife, so why won’t she wear lingerie and make a fuss of me.

I found your post suffocating and exhausting. Your poor wife must feel claustrophobic.

@UnemployedNotRetired that was a combination of peri brain and rushing that post so I could say goodbye to Dh. I will hang my head in shame at the error.

I had sex with my husband last night after watching a documentary, eating crisps and I definitely had my hair scrapped back and was in joggers. Thats what our weekly date night looks like, we are both knackered and being able to cuddle up on the sofa with a bottle of wine watching a movie (which we pause for chats a lot) is a relief. Both of you should feel relaxed and happy, if she’s expected to put stockings on it’s hardly going to be comfortable. Theres totally a time and place for that but if Dh expected me to get dressed up to go downstairs once a week I’d raise an eyebrow. It feels manufactured.

It feels you want a performance rather than intimacy, she’s not an escort. Do what she asked and watch a movie with her. Hold her hand or cuddle her up.

Quite literally fuck that noise! “Lucky to have him” 🙄

It’s all too “arranged”. Just go with the flow. No woman wants to be put under pressure to enjoy a specific type of night. Oh and I’m taking it you’ve never told her your past girlfriends didn’t mind wearing the lingerie? If you’d said that to me I’d have replied “well fuck off and marry one of them then”. HTH

Why is your child even aware of any of this to be asking your wife about a date night? Terrible parenting. If this is true you seem to think that because you buy her stuff she owes you, mentioning buying a car and the ring how crass.

I will get absolutely slated for these comments as these forums are very one sided, but, i don't really care, as i've said before everyone is entitled to an opinion, just try to be kind. So, firstly i have a lot of respect for men and women regardless of their preferences, how you choose to live YOUR life is entirely up to YOU and no business of mine or anyone else's, now on to the subject of all men want is sex, true in a lot of cases, but a very general view as there are equal numbers of men that don't want sex but their wives do, now let me talk about when you first get together in a relationship, the lust era, is it fair to say that if you like the man/woman that sex is used at that point as a way to get them hooked, to show them that you're keen, i've heard it so many times, you where a nympho when we got together and now after a few years i'm invisible, i've had the conversation myself in previous relationships where i've been told 'at the beginning i put on a show because i didn't want anyone else to have you' i mean, ok so great, but that actually as a man i find that quite deceitful. I'm not saying that anyone should have expectations that their relationship will always involve intimacy or sex but you can see how some people may get the impression early on that it's going to play a part in your relationship going forward even if it's a rare occurrence, if you start the relationship by saying, 'i'm not really into sex or i'm just not an intimate person' then you will likely assume that the relationship in the future is unlikely to involve such things so you would be able to make your decision as to whether you're going to be compatible or not.

I will say though that both men and woman are guilty at times of assuming that they are meeting the day to day needs of their partners when actually they are not, then in that case i fully understand why that might change your view of someone and make you more distant.

Just the fact that you start your post by saying these forums are one sided says it all. Why don’t you stop posting on Mumsnet and go and find a men’s forum if you’re going to talk about women the way you do?

Once again, women are not appliances with vaginas. And I doubt any woman has ever tried to trap you, don’t try that MRA nonsense here: you’re not special enough for anyone to try and “trap”.

Where in that post have i spoken out of turn about women? Maybe i'm not 'Special Enough' as you say but i'm smart enough to know your a man hater and i can't imagine you ever keeping a man with that attitude. You read the bits you wanted to read and didn't take a wider view based on all of the content.

Before I bother attempting to read the opening post, can someone tell me if it turns out to be a post from a man moaning about a lack of sex?

Just because that’s what men usually post about on MN, no matter how they frame it.

And again: no woman wants to trap you, so take your misogyny elsewhere. And I’m happily married.

Personally I’ve never made “keeping a man” a great priority in my life. I derive enormous pleasure from keeping chickens though, does that count?

I have, however, been with DH for nearly 35 years and we are very happy. Probably because he isn’t an emotionally stunted red-pilled dweeb with a victim complex, and he doesn’t consider our relationship a straight transaction where he gives me sweeties in exchange for access to my body. 🤷🏻‍♀️