*TW* abusive relationship and I've done something stupid

[CantUnderstandMyself]

Hi,

For 2.5 years I was in an on/off abusive relationship.

My ex (drug dealer, previous convictions for domestic abuse) put me through emotional, physical and sexual abuse.

Some examples are him recording me during sex without my consent, ignoring my boundaries when it comes to sex (and pretty much everything), making me watch porn and horrible gore videos where the violence is actually real.

That's on top of all the gaslighting, bullying, ghosting, silent treatment etc.

I started to feel like I didn't exist unless I was around him.

He ended things in February but has been keeping me around for his uses.

The other night I'd had enough, I'm sure for someone observing the conversation it would look like an overreaction but I can't explain why I acted the way I did.

I behaved appallingly, I don't want to say what I did but there could be repercussions from him. He's scary and I've seen him do smear campaigns on his own family for less than what I did.

I've got women's aid support but I just wanted to see if anyone had been in a similar situation and can understand what it feels like to have just totally snapped 😞

I feel so pathetic, we don't live together and nobody can understand why I kept going back, not even me.

I hope you’re doing “ok” today.
Yes, the catastrophising is actually really common, many of us would be able to empathise with that at some point or another. But, as you said yourself a lot of what you’re feeling is due to things you cannot control. The old cliche, but it’s true, is to not worry about the things you cannot change, change the things you can but also you can only control your own reaction.
I think you can see this for what it is, clearer now than you did when you made the post; that’s what I’ve got from your own posts, and I think even that small change is actually a massive change and it will keep the momentum moving in the right direction, but you will need to be consciously thinking about it and make every decision a step forward. As much as you are able to. You will come out of this. You mention trauma, when you’re ready to start facing whatever trauma(s) you have, when you’re past this current crisis, and feel like you’re strong enough then maybe consider some specific counselling for this. The other advice you’ve had on here from others is also good. Between many of us I hope we will all have had our own bit of experience with various parts of this, so hopefully the sum of our replies can have the power to help you.
I so hope that your day has been peaceful.

Yeah I only found out recently that it's torture, I used to beg him to switch it off, same with porn. He knew I hated it but he didn't care.

You're right we don't live together. Thank goodness for that. And getting feedback from people who know me is really helping. It's hard to see things straight and I feel quite confused about a lot of stuff.

I think it's easing off, because there's no point worrying. I've made myself ill with the stress and I know it won't solve anything even if I feel like I deserve it 😔

I've got an appointment with the CMHT next week so I will ask then about trauma therapy, there's just so much to unpack.

You've all been so helpful you have no idea. I opened up to some friends at a group I go to as well and they're supportive too, which is really lovely. I'm very lucky.

I am so pleased to hear that you’ve reached out to friends irl as well. Often something like this, the support from strangers, can help you feel ready to talk about this to the people who know you well and who can be there for you ☺️

Yes, it can be the stress about it all that can make you unwell, but it seems as though you are slowly moving away from this, and the not worrying about it (so much) is really positive. Obviously it’s not easy, and you may need to remind yourself to try not to worry about what is past and try and make this a new day and a new start, with a line drawn underneath it. You really don’t deserve any of it, and I really hope you will come to realise that. I think you will. You’re already closer than you think you are.

It’s great you’ve got a cmht appointment next week. Please be totally honest with them about what happened and how you were (and possibly still are, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and all that crap! 🙃). I don’t know if you’ve had any previous contact with your local mental health services before, or even with their crisis team, which they may feel you need, but I know it’s really hard even reaching out so you’re clearly ready for this now. I do know it can sometimes feel a lot, but you have made so many positive steps in such a short time already, even if you’re not quite seeing how much yet, but you deserve the good stuff, not the bad, and that includes going easy on yourself and realising that sometimes we really are just such a tiny step away from doing something we’d not normally do in our rational minds. We can hate what we might’ve done, but that was just an action, it’s not who you are, But sometimes our brains just feel like they’re imploding and that can make us behave in ways that we really never would do in a rational moment. And that’s ok. Sometimes it takes something like this to happen before we realise that we do need help and support. And we do need to try and forgive ourselves and really know that you don’t deserve any of it, just because that’s what your mind is telling you. Sometimes, our minds can be utter cnuts to us! 😄 But they can also be our greatest protector, even if they do sometimes just need a bit of help.

@CantUnderstandMyself I’d just like to add, you’ve got cameras and the police have an alert for your number, which are both great. However, if he tries to contact you in any way, indirectly or in person, please make sure you contact the police. What you did will not get you in trouble, and you don’t even need to know, but please, please, please do not let worrying about that ever stop you from reporting him because you’re scared you’ve done something wrong, legally. Know that what you did will not get you in trouble. I hope enough of us have told you that there would be no legal backlash, so I know myself, and others on here would never want the (perceived) fear of what you did stop you reaching out if anything happens. And do not reply/talk to him if he does contact you in some way, ignore, and make sure the police are aware that you’ve actually ended the relationship, as that is important for them to know, due to the pattern that can sometimes happen. They are aware of him. In fact, even if he doesn’t contact you, it might be a good idea to make the police aware that you’ve ended the relationship anyway.

But as pp have mentioned, you’ve gone “off script”, and hopefully that’ll confuse him and make him realise that this really is it. You’re done. You see what he’s doing and it isn’t going to work anymore. And yeah, so what if he does try to pull the crazy ex story, he’ll likely have said the same about every single woman who’s been unfortunate enough to be involved with him. Nobody will be listening. Not anyone that matters anyway. Men don’t like it when we bring out “our crazy”! I’m obviously not saying that what you did was crazy btw - the trauma he put you through is truly a level of vile and monstrous that is another level - but just to say, it’s really no bad thing for a man to think you might behave in a really unpredictable way. Men like him like predictable, not unpredictable.