*TW* abusive relationship and I've done something stupid

[CantUnderstandMyself]

Hi,

For 2.5 years I was in an on/off abusive relationship.

My ex (drug dealer, previous convictions for domestic abuse) put me through emotional, physical and sexual abuse.

Some examples are him recording me during sex without my consent, ignoring my boundaries when it comes to sex (and pretty much everything), making me watch porn and horrible gore videos where the violence is actually real.

That's on top of all the gaslighting, bullying, ghosting, silent treatment etc.

I started to feel like I didn't exist unless I was around him.

He ended things in February but has been keeping me around for his uses.

The other night I'd had enough, I'm sure for someone observing the conversation it would look like an overreaction but I can't explain why I acted the way I did.

I behaved appallingly, I don't want to say what I did but there could be repercussions from him. He's scary and I've seen him do smear campaigns on his own family for less than what I did.

I've got women's aid support but I just wanted to see if anyone had been in a similar situation and can understand what it feels like to have just totally snapped 😞

I feel so pathetic, we don't live together and nobody can understand why I kept going back, not even me.

What's wrong with that? It's hardly malicious communications. I hope you get the help you need. Please try to get away from this monster.

Well I can't see that you did anything illegal from that post. Speak to your support worker and try to move forwards from the whole experience. If he has blocked you, now you need to block him on every way he has been able to contact you. Do whatever you need to do to stay safe.

You absolutely won't be arrested for what you sent him. Put that out of your mind.

If you truly believe the police are going to be interested in the communications you've sent, why would you risk starting this thread, knowing they'll want to inspect your devices?

I don't see them being interested btw, but you clearly do.

Thank you, yeah I am feeling that way. I said some awful things. Made horrible threats. I just broke. I told him I was going to take an overdose. I know that was awful but I'd started writing goodbye letters to people. I think I just wanted him to be kind to me because I was feeling so low. I still have the letters but I told the MHT that I would try and use the services and see if it helps.

That's so weird I was watching Sam vaknin yesterday, he's funny and he talks a lot of sense

Because I wouldn't hide it from them, I'd actually like to hand myself in but they'd find out a lot of stuff he's done that I wrote in the messages, there wouldn't be any evidence really but I don't want the stress of worrying he'll get questioned etc.

I'm more worried about him.seeing the thread. If I've committed a crime I would accept the punishment

Op you’re so addicted to this man, no wonder he is the only person that can make you feel better when your fear of him makes you feel so bad 😣 Ask for a referral to your local sexual abuse charity or service, it might be rape crisis. Women’s aid can help too. You know when an addict is coming off drugs they get withdrawals. This is exactly the same as what is happening to you but you’re withdrawing from a person. Toxic one at that. Find the way to fulfil these needs in yourself, lots of personal growth needed op. You’re doing great so far. Use the help available to you. The longer you stay away the easier it’ll get, don’t expect this to be quick it will gradually get better over many months. If you feel weak, remember that’s normal and use your other coping strategies until it passes. You got this!

Also, what you sent him is a reaction to lots of hurt. It’s a common abuser tactic the police are aware of so don’t worry. You’ll not get in trouble for any of that. It’s reactive abuse, they goad you until you snap then say oh look how crazy she is 😏

I understand. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and am starting EMDR through NHS talking therapies. But I still hanker for the sense of total relief - my therapist says it’s like chasing the initial high but it’s not really because it’s far more complex but I know what she means. The relief is total. It takes away all previous concerns.

But the status quo will destoy you. Therapy is hard. You have to sit with feeling bad even if you can make the bad feelings go away (in the short term). You have to trust in the process. This is just how people work but trauma is fixable not a personality defect. And there are people who will help you help yourself.

He finished with you in February and now he's blocked you.

As much as you're clearly hurt, it's actually the best possible thing that could happen to you.

Keep away from him now and let time work its healing.

You don't need to add any more drama to what was a very chaotic relationship.

Hi, this is reactive abuse. It happens when someone has been abused and pushed to the point where they snap. Get away from this man. Block him on everything. Change your locks if you need to and let the police know about his abuse to you. Women’s Aid will completely understand, so please get their support. Wishing you well x

Hi, first I want to send you a hand hold and lots of love. But second I want to tell you that things you've done feel so bad right now but in the future they won't!

I was you and i know its excrutiating. Then two days go by, two weeks, two months, two years... then twenty years will have passed and you will barely remember!

Keep the faith babe. X

You don’t need to hand yourself in, they’ll refer you to hospital if anything.

You need to move on, seek support to get through this and learn to be kind to yourself. Is this the first abusive relationship you have been in, you mention prior help.

That is NOT a malicious communication under the law. He really has done a number on you hadn't he?

You're right I panic when I can't talk to him, part of me is scared because I don't know how what he's up to behind the scenes. But also it's like that relief that I get when I see him or when he tells me it's ok.

There is a local centre that women's aid can refer me to so I'll ask tomorrow.

I used to get the "me and him against the world" feeling. I'd beg friends and family not to say anything about the abuse so I'd be putting them through it too.

I will have a look into NHS talking therapies, I also have the CMHT but I'll have to push them because they keep discharging me.

It's hard to see any way out of how I'm feeling, I'm so scared to do anything nice for myself because I'm scared of bad things happening. I think that must be a trauma response.

It's not the first, they've all been. In very different ways. From a pretty young age as well so I clearly do have a lot of work to do

I thought combined with the graphic pictures and tell him I would tell the police etc... the m savages do look like the ramblings of a madwoman to be fair

Op the pictures are of your own body? It's not malicious communications offence .
So far you're using words like mad woman , hand myself in , crime . All very heavily loaded and unkind things to say about yourself and meanwhile he is the actual criminal , who should be remorseful .
Please know you don't deserve to be feeling so low .
Doctor Ramani is a great one for narcissist information on youtube but please don't ever tell him you're looking these things up . Or call him out for being a narcissist or abuser because he won't change and he will target you further .
The freedom program perhaps might help ?

Best wishes.

Bless you. Just block him and come down from all this drama.

Just keep remembering, you did what you did, but it’s passed now. It has happened. There is nothing you can do about that now, the only thing you can do is use it to push yourself forward and not keep thinking about it. You need to forgive yourself. In fact I’d go so far as to say that actually why should you need to forgive? Accept it, own it, and say “well, that’s done now, I did it but I did it for a reason” and that reason will now allow you to be strong. Be yourself. Have your own opinions, never stop having your own voice. You’ve made a major step forward even in making this post, it couldn’t have been easy. And also, stop feeling any shame for what you did. The relationship and the lead up to what you did means you know now that anything other than going forward will not work for you.

Thank you so much for this.

Yeah the stress is too much I'm going to have to just move on.

I think it's the fact I can't control things that makes it so bad. It makes me catastrophism, but I know that comes from trauma, and the fear has probably kept me in this situation.

I really do appreciate all your kind words and advice it's really helping me

I don’t think the police would think badly of you. They’d see a terribly abused woman who has snapped.
Please, please stop worrying about the police contacting you about this.
Any man who makes you watch gore videos is torturing you.
After the major surgery you have had you need rest.

It is really good to have support, friends and people you can talk to. And that you are not living with him (I think) . keep going with your bid for freedom, once you have cut the emotional ties, you will feel so much better. Best of luck.