*TW* abusive relationship and I've done something stupid

[CantUnderstandMyself]

Hi,

For 2.5 years I was in an on/off abusive relationship.

My ex (drug dealer, previous convictions for domestic abuse) put me through emotional, physical and sexual abuse.

Some examples are him recording me during sex without my consent, ignoring my boundaries when it comes to sex (and pretty much everything), making me watch porn and horrible gore videos where the violence is actually real.

That's on top of all the gaslighting, bullying, ghosting, silent treatment etc.

I started to feel like I didn't exist unless I was around him.

He ended things in February but has been keeping me around for his uses.

The other night I'd had enough, I'm sure for someone observing the conversation it would look like an overreaction but I can't explain why I acted the way I did.

I behaved appallingly, I don't want to say what I did but there could be repercussions from him. He's scary and I've seen him do smear campaigns on his own family for less than what I did.

I've got women's aid support but I just wanted to see if anyone had been in a similar situation and can understand what it feels like to have just totally snapped 😞

I feel so pathetic, we don't live together and nobody can understand why I kept going back, not even me.

Well it’s hard to comment without knowing what you did.
I will suggest the Freedom Programme though, as you need some help, clearly, in staying away from this terrible man.

I am sure that what you see as your appalling behaviour is nothing close to what you have endured from him.

Plus, you recognise your actions were unwise; he doesn’t care.

Block him. Head up. Smile & wave.

Did you do something criminal that you could face repercussions for?
Are you afraid for your safety, that he’ll come for you?

Have you got safety stuff set up at home? Ring doorbells etc?
Can you go away for a bit in the hope he’ll cool down?

Technically yes but only if he reported me. The police know all about him from his previous charges and from me (I didn't report but they're aware) so I don't think he would involve them.

I would turn myself in but then I'd get him into trouble too so I can't.

I hate that I've let my state of mind lead me down this path.

I've got a camera doorbell and I think the police have an alert on my number.

I feel crazy and frightened 😞

Why OP??? "I started to feel like I didn't exist unless I was around him" do you have anyone family or friends you can talk to alone

Does he know? If he already knows, get away for a couple of days and try and relax and calm down a bit.

I don't know, I can't explain why I started to feel that way 😔 my family don't understand and I can talk to my friends but only so much

I can only assume so as he's blocked me everywhere. It was a week ago. It was terrible what I did, I ended up in hospital and everything. I feel like a horrible person

Did you injure yourself as well as others?

I didn't injure anyone else

So how is he involved?

Or did you attack his property and injure yourself in doing so ?

I'm sorry I'm being so vague, I'm really worried that this is outing

If you’re in fear of repercussions from whatever you did, go to the police

Sadly your experience and situation is very common. There are literally hundreds of (probably thousands actually) of posts on MN from women who have been, or are where you are. But I agree you sound like you need to approach the agencies that are helping you.

If he’s blocked you, it sounds as though he isn’t intending to harass you. It sounds as though your fear is more about what you did, than the repercussions.
Is that true?

Were you given a mental health assessment in hospital? It’s really hard to be supportive when we don’t know what you’re afraid of, or what you have done.

Whatever it was, whatever the consequences, I hope you can put it behind you and get on with living a different kind of life. 💐

Have you told Women's Aid about this so they can help you? Keep talking to them. Are you going to be doing the Freedom Programme?

I basically threatened him if he phoned the police I would tell them where I got the pills I was going to take, I also harmed myself and sent him photos saying this was what he does to people, and that he wouldn't care because he likes to make people watch horrible things.

I also listed all the awful things he's done to me.

I really regret it, I'm terrified I'll get into trouble but if I could turn myself in without bringing the police into his life I would

I'm seeing my women's aid worker tomorrow but it doesn't really matter, she can't make me into a better person

From what you described nothing you did makes you a bad person in any way. It sounds like you couldn't take any more abuse and flipped. It's highly possible that what you did succeed in frightening him so that he will leave you alone now. He might be scared that you're "crazy". I think it's very good news that he blocked you this gives you a window to get away and make a new start. He might talk about you as a crazy ex, that's what people like him do regardless of how you behave so I wouldn't worry about that too much, he can't show people what you wrote without incriminating himself.

I think probably you're safer than before because you've become unpredictable and have changed the "rules" of the game he was playing. This will make him uneasy. The key now it to ensure you don't have any further contact with him. Try to get away if you can, move if you can. I'm sorry you have been through all of this, things will get so much better once you get away from him and can heal.

These are reactions to his behaviour. What repercussions are you worried about?

What a horrible thing to say to a victim of abuse.

I flipped because he cancelled on me and ignored me after yet again using me for stuff when it suits him. I just felt so worthless and alone and he wouldn't even answer the phone to me. He does that and blocks me then comes back when he "misses" me. I can't describe how much this cycle has affected my self esteem.

I just can't believe how I acted this time, I feel totally broken and terrified. I really would like to turn myself in but I can't because then I'd have to tell the police everything.

I can't move, I had brain surgery in November and I'm still not very well. All I can do is stay away from him

Malicious communications. The police would look at the conversation and not understand why I reacted the way I did. It wasn't that one conversation but over two years of trauma and mistreatment. I wouldn't even know how to explain it to them if I did get into trouble. Most of his bullying and abuse was done in person