*TW* abusive relationship and I've done something stupid

[CantUnderstandMyself]

Hi,

For 2.5 years I was in an on/off abusive relationship.

My ex (drug dealer, previous convictions for domestic abuse) put me through emotional, physical and sexual abuse.

Some examples are him recording me during sex without my consent, ignoring my boundaries when it comes to sex (and pretty much everything), making me watch porn and horrible gore videos where the violence is actually real.

That's on top of all the gaslighting, bullying, ghosting, silent treatment etc.

I started to feel like I didn't exist unless I was around him.

He ended things in February but has been keeping me around for his uses.

The other night I'd had enough, I'm sure for someone observing the conversation it would look like an overreaction but I can't explain why I acted the way I did.

I behaved appallingly, I don't want to say what I did but there could be repercussions from him. He's scary and I've seen him do smear campaigns on his own family for less than what I did.

I've got women's aid support but I just wanted to see if anyone had been in a similar situation and can understand what it feels like to have just totally snapped 😞

I feel so pathetic, we don't live together and nobody can understand why I kept going back, not even me.

I think you are correct when you say "The police know all about him from his previous charges and from me (I didn't report but they're aware) so I don't think he would involve them." The bigger problem is breaking the cycle of abuse.
You are going to need support to make sure you don't go back to him.
If you haven't read this book I highly recommend it,
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
by Lundy Bancroft.
Reading this was a game changer for me, I was very confused and it made me see things clearly.
After that there was no looking back.
Wishing you all the best xx

She doesn't have to. She is there to protect you while you grow stronger.

Can you change your phone number so he can't message you when he gets into that frame of mind?

I feel like I've lost someone I love. But I don't know if I do or if I'm scared of him. He does scare me. And he'll get angry at me for "looking scared".

I have heard of that book, I'll have a look thank you

I have blocked him everywhere, I don't know if I can deal with the stress of changing my number right now.

I'm sure after what I did he won't ever message me again

Absolutely agree with you. A really nasty thing to write. They clearly get their own kicks if they’re kicking people when they’re down.
@CantUnderstandMyself you say he’s blocked you, but have you also blocked him on everything? From his pattern he might try the “misses” you trick again at some point. It’s hard to stay strong, and whatever you did you have to forgive yourself firstly, but now that you’ve had this reaction and shocked and scared yourself I do think that this will now allow you to see things more clearly going forward, and help in making sure that you won’t go back to him again. I do believe this will shock you out of the mindset that you were in before - particularly when/if he tries to “get you back” again - and I truly hope this gives you some of the strength that you need. Make sure you get some practical advice tomorrow, and don’t underplay what he has done to you in the past, because he sounds like a monster, and they need to know how to help you.

(eta: sorry, your post saying he was blocked wasn’t up when I started writing this and posted it)

op you have a good cognitive understanding of the cycle of abuse - but you are still trapped in the cycle. There is a disconnect. This is why you can’t believe how you acted. Do the freedom programme to get your brain processing but also contact your gp or talking therapies direct for trauma therapy. You may not be perfect, your response may not have been perfect but you are not a criminal. You are traumatised and struggling to cope and need help. But not from him giving you attention to make it all go away.

I don't think you can truly love someone who has treated you so badly. You are scared of him and maybe feel he is all you deserve and all you have known for too long. But this relationship is unsafe and unhealthy for both of you. Take this opportunity to put distance between you and get what support you can. I'm not sure who you think you would 'turn yourself in to'?

I think that I've been really frightened to stand up for myself, so when it came out the whole lot came out with a whole lot of carnage.

I am trying really really hard to forgive myself. It's so far removed from how I want to conduct myself.

I would never even want to have my own opinion around him or put on something he didn't want to watch because it would end up in name calling or him storming off/throwing me out of his house.

Everything feels all over the place.

Yeah it's really difficult knowing things are wrong but not wanting to get out of it. I know now that it's a trauma bond but you're right, it doesn't really.help just knowing that.

I'm going to write everything down and take it with me to my appointment tomorrow.

I think women's aid can refer me to a local centre for sexual trauma, I will ask tomorrow.

I've got a follow up with my GP in a couple of weeks too.

Sweetheart no one will take any action against you for sending him that.

I highly recommend the Lundy Bancroft book - it’s available on the internet free as a pdf as well so you don’t even have to pay for it - just google it.

I think you’re really traumatised and not yet processed everything. I agree with others on seeking support from the freedom programme etc or private therapy if you can. I really think this would help you see sense because at the moment you seem desperate for his attention.
i once read something ( possibly from the Lundy Bancroft book) when an abusive man feels ‘love’ it is 1. The desire to have you devote your life to him with no outside interference. 2. sexual access 3. Desire to control and possess you and 4. The desire to impress others with you as a partner.
I think reading those helped me really get closure from a past relationship. Once you realise that this man has no love or respect for you and never will you can start to rebuild your self esteem.

If everything you did is included in this thread, I don't think it will keep him away. As you said, he enjoys seeing stuff like that.
Unfortunately, something inside you is drawn to this toxic cycle of abuse too. Keep going with women's aid. Reflect on how you've ended up in this situation so you can prevent it happening again.
This is so, so dangerous. You could end up dead - either murdered or through harming yourself. You really need to consider building a life far away from him so you can really move on.

I get the everything feels all over the place. How would you react if he came back and ‘forgave’ you for your ‘unreasonable’ outburst and everything would return to normal or even better than normal in the short term. Would you feel grateful that you didn’t have to deal with the reality, WA, GP etc?

The police for malicious communications. I've done something wrong and I would take the punishment

Thank you, I will definitely have a look for it

Yeah I do feel like I need him to make it all okay, so that I can feel safe and calm down. Which I know seems really counterproductive and stupid.

That does make a lot of sense when I think about how he would discourage or encourage certain things.

I did the freedom programme a couple of years ago but it didn't make much sense, I will have another look at it though.

I told him I'd tell everyone how he treated me and the police, I told him that the police know stuff he's done to me. I tried to backtrack but obviously he has now blocked me. They obviously know him already so it really was the worst thing I could have said 😞

If im.being really honest, I would be straight back, grovelling and so grateful that my nervous system was calm again. That's how it usually is. The relief is unreal. I've never gone this far though

OP, I just want to give you a big hug and get a posse of the Mumsnet aunties together so we can get you somewhere safe, away from this man!
You sound like you’ve suffered so much. 😔 It’s hardly surprising you are having strong reactions that don’t feel fully under your control.
Please talk to your women’s aid worker. The voices that are making you feel shame are NOT the truth, they sound like the result of trauma and abuse.

There is a way forward for you - I believe you can get to a better place with it all and be free of this bloke. Take up all the support you possibly can. Have you approached any organisations or charities for help?

Why do you think what you sent him is a criminal offence? That's not what malicious communication means, not legally

Don't be tricked in to thinking he's scared of the police, keep your guard up. He's got away with DV before. He's just got away with it again as despite your threat, you've still not reported him. If he was worried about being reported to the police, he wouldn't have abused anyone in the first place.

Thank you ❤️

I will talk to her tomorrow, I'm going to write everything down, I think I need to get it all on paper so that I can look at all the things he did and maybe not blame myself so much.

So I have women's aid, the church and my friends from there, I also have penumbra next week, I've got a support worker, and I'm having an assessment with the mental health team.

I know I need to lean on these more. I think the previous poster had a point when she said it's a relief to not have to engage, when he gets back in touch and makes it "all better".

I googled sending graphic images and it said if it was with intent to cause distress then it falls under the act.

I will say though that when I'm stressed I get bad intrusive thoughts that make me think people are coming to get me, so I'm well aware that I could be catastrophising

OP you are being very hard on yourself.
Often victims of abuse do snap and react back . It's called " reactive abuse." And it's completely understandable but you have nit even done that .
It sounds to me like you're feeling really low and full of self blame ( that he gas put there.) And actually you deserve love and acceptance of yourself.

Self harm is not a sin or crime but you obviously deserve better . Please don't use it to further criticise yourself .
I worry the blocking you is just another form of silent treatment, so that he can gain more attention from you and make you perhaps grateful for his return to you.

Please look up HD Tudor or Sam vaknin . Domestic violence and Narcissism often go hand in hand.

No, he's been to prison for it, that's the reason I know that the police know about him already.

The scary thing to me is that I don't think he realises he's being abusive. Or maybe he wants me to think that so I'll feel sorry for him. Which stupidly I do.

I haven't reported because there wouldn't be evidence. He's careful.