Was my friend out of line telling my daughter about my past drug use?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

I went through a phase of taking quite a few recreational drugs when I was young. Not proud of it at all, regret it, although I am lucky in that I didn't develop an addiction and have no negative health impacts. I just regard it as a few wasted years. I had stopped by my early 30s and haven't done it all all since having DD. Now very clean living, barely drink etc.

I have decided not to tell DD (15) this. For context DD is very sensible (straight-laced, really). To date has shown no interest whatsoever in alcohol (to the point of disliking it), is horrified at the idea of drugs, has sensible friends and I've had no inkling of any troublesome behaviour. She's very much not interested in this and long may it continue although I realise she's still young so I am prepared to deal with it if I have to. We generally have a good relationship, with the usual teenage stresses and strains.

A close friend, who knows DD well, and I used to party a lot together when we were young, and routinely talks about her exploits in front of her. I've asked her not to as I am uncomfortable with the idea that this is normalised, but she has said it's odd and that I would foster a closer relationship with DD if I was upfront about this. I respect her argument and I could see how it might work in some situations but it's not how I want to manage my relationship with my DD.

I found out last week that when she was taking DD home from an activity she volunteered that I had taken drugs as a youngster. It apparently came up in the context of DD expressing horror that two kids had been expelled from her school for smoking weed and telling my friend what a stupid thing it was to do. DD later confronted me and I admitted that I had "tried" weed (but downplayed it quite a lot, if I'm honest). Friend now says that she "had a right to know" and that I'm storing up problems in my relationship with her if I am not honest about what I am "really like".

I'm really quite upset about it: whatever the rights and wrongs of being direct with your children about past demeanours I just feel it wasn't her place to do it. I also think that you lead by example and I don't see any benefit in having my very clean-living DD believe that her main role model is a former drug-taker. She thinks I'm being controlling, trying to "recreate a phony Victorian childhood" for my DD and that I am more likely to push her into being more rebellious as an older teenager. Am I right to be pissed off or is friend right that I'm controlling?

Your friend doesn't respect your boundaries and has no right to tell your daughter or anyone else for that matter, things you wish to keep private.

She is not a good friend.

It is up to you to decide how to parent your daughter and what you tell her about your own past.

Your friend should have respected what you asked her to do, and shit her mouth. I’d be livid.

Why does your friend think it’s her story to tell and what is the benefit for your daughter?
For me it would be the end of that friendship particularly as you have told her not to, no respect for you at all.

Your friend is in the wrong imo, she can talk about herself as much as she wants but you've specifically asked her not to talk about you. She doesn't sound like a very good friend

I'll be honest, that would be the end of the friendship for me. It's a massive betrayal of you when you've made it clear to her that you don't want your DD to know about your past and why you have made this decision.

She doesn't get to override your wishes and I'd be cutting her off.

FWIW I had an abortion whilst at school, and made the decision not to mention this to my teenage DDs. I'd be furious if a close friend decided she had the right to inform my children of this.

I also took drugs, and have been honest with my DC that I smoked weed but hope that they won't do so.

You are entitled to parent how you choose without someone else butting in and telling them things you don't wish them to know. Particularly when it is things about you.

She’s bang out of order and I’d cut her out of my life for it. None of her business & definitely not her place. I’d hazard a guess she’s been feeling jealous of either your relationship with your daughter, or something that’s going well for you and not so good for her.

Thank you all. Appreciate it.

She's not your friend
She's trying to ruin your relationship with your daughter
She's basically stabbed you in the back
She would be no friend of mine after doing that

I think you’re being weird about it and it won’t cause any damage being open with her, yourself, if it genuinely comes up. If you are ashamed and wish you hadn’t, tell her that. It wouldn’t glamorise it.

regarding your actual question, your friend is completely unreasonable. It’s shows a complete lack of boundaries (which may be ok normally within your relationship) and it’s not her decision to make whether she understands it or not and I bet she’s been waiting for an opportunity for it to come up. You’ve clearly been friends a long time so should tell her.

Wow. Not her place to tell your DD.

I took a lot of drugs as a teen as well and their dad and I made a conscious decision to tell our DC about this (at an appropriate age), including an awful time/situation I had which led to me stopping.

I would have been LIVID if someone else told them before I did, or if I’d chosen not to say anything. Like absolutely raging livid. Even more so if she’s painted you as a party girl when you don’t need or want your DD to know.

Your ‘friend’ has lept so far over the boundary it’s not longer bloody visible!
It is not her story to share, especially when you’ve already said you aren’t going to mention it at this stage.

She’s behaved like an entitled arse and I’d be letting her know. Maybe she’s one of those people who says ‘only joking’ when they’ve said something spiteful and not remotely funny.

She would be an ex-friend by now if it were me. She had no right to tell your daughter those things, she was definitely stirring the pot. You're not being controlling OP as you've said your DD isn't interested in that side of things anyway.

Yep, it would be the end of the friendship for me. My sis did similar to me. She told her dd who is very close to my dd various damaging stories about me, which had just enough truth in them for me to recognise, but were hideously distorted. Of course her dd told my dd who then asked my DH about it. I messaged my sis and told her to knock it off. Never received a reply. 5 years later I’m only just at the stage where I can have an exchange with her on the most superficial level. To me it was pure jealousy as she has done nothing with her life and made terrible choices. I also feel very differently about my niece who was old enough to know how unpleasant she was being, both to me, but also to dd, by repeating these stories.
Needless to say, there are numerous stories I could tell about my sis, really bad stuff, but I just wouldn’t ever do that to her.

She's not your friend. She's trying to push between you and your daughter - honestly, I wouldn't have anything more to do with her.

I have a brother that does this. I am so annoyed. I can chose to tell my kods whatever I want whenever I chose. He's my brother - i can't unfriend him. You can. (Is she jealous in some way of what you have with your daughter?)

Yanbu. At all.
I would cool the friendship. We are parenting our children, not trying to be the cool friend with a past.

How dare she. That would be the end of the friendship for me.

Your friend is crossing boundaries and has no respect for your choices or your relationship with your daughter.

Not a friend.

Your friend definantly crossed the boundary by volunteering the information and telling your daughter in light of the expulsions. Had it been a general conversation about your misspelt youth, and your friend said without thinking, that you’d all tried drugs, you included, then although wrong, that would seem less wrong somehow. But to make a deliberate point of telling your daughter, when the conversation wasn’t in any relation to you or your youth, was wrong.

I agree with others. I would never speak to her again

Your friend is acting really weird. Of course your DD does not need to know you used drugs. I found out my parents had used drugs. I in no way felt betrayed that they didn't tell me, not telling me was the right thing to do. There must be something pushing this. Is she jealous of the relationship? Jealous that your DD is so well behaved? Does she have DC herself?

Clearly she isn’t loyal to you and I’d say the friendship has run its course. I’d be fuming!

She is not your friend. Keep her miles away from your child.

That’s not a friend that’s a nasty cow

Completely friendship-ending from my point of view and weirdly controlling behaviour by your friend. She can take whatever approach she likes with her kids but it’s in no way her place to decide how you should parent yours. Honestly, what a bitchy thing to do.