Struggling to decide whether to stay after husband's long affair

[mrsuk]

I found out two weeks ago that my husband has been having an affair for the past year, and honestly, I’m still struggling to process it.
The shocking part is that throughout this time he has always been kind, generous and loving towards me. He bought me a house and a car, supported our family financially, and has always been a devoted father to our children. We have been together for 26 years. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, and we have built everything we have together, including our business.
When I discovered the affair, I was completely devastated. I asked him to leave, but he refused, so we are still living under the same roof. I can’t simply leave either because we have children, they are settled in their schools, and they are very close to their father.
My husband moved to this country for me. His family is not here. He says that if we separate, he would eventually return to his home country because he would have no family left here and no motivation to stay. While that is his decision, I worry about the impact on our children. I do not want them to grow up without regular contact with their father.
The woman he was seeing is 24 years younger than him. Apparently, he saw her roughly every ten days. When I asked him why he did it, he said that we have been together for a very long time, he is approaching 50, and he wanted an escape or a “mid-life fling”. That explanation does not excuse what he did, and it certainly does not make it hurt any less.
I am financially secure in many ways. I own my home and I have savings. However, I work in our business, and if I leave him I may also lose my job, which worries me. I do not want to rely on him financially or take money from him. My instinct is to walk away and start over.
The problem is that our lives are deeply intertwined. He says he cannot manage the company alone if I leave. To be honest I cant too- our children are in private schools, we have 7 other employees working for our business so much expenses. Our business mortgage is only £21k amonth so its hard to shut the business as we have contracts etc.
At the same time, I do not want my children to lose their father, but I also find it incredibly difficult to imagine forgiving him or ever trusting him again.
At the moment, I feel torn between protecting myself, protecting my children, and preserving the life we spent more than two decades building together. I genuinely do not know what the right decision is.

He's obviously checked out of the marriage so even if you can forgive the affair (and I can tell you for a fact that you'll never be able to) then things will be irrevocably damaged going forward. As for him having no family here or motivation to stay, you might like to ask him what the hell he thinks his children are. You say they are "very close" to their father, but it clearly isn't reciprocated to the extent that you believe. You need to seek legal advice OP with a view to divorce. I know it sounds complicated and frightening but you won't be able to continue as if nothing happened.

Why doesn’t he consider his children worth staying here for?

im struggling to understand what on earth he thinks should happen now. Does he assume you’ll just carry on as before just with him and his girlfriend?

Getting legal advice is the best way to protect yourself and your children right now.

I know him well. The truth is, if I hadn’t been in his life, he wouldn’t have been able to stay in this country, build a career, or achieve the level of success he has today. I’ve always been the one supporting him emotionally and helping him stay grounded.
If He doesn’t have a consistent routine, and he’s not someone who can easily stay focused on work when things in his personal life are falling apart. Every time we’ve had a even little argument, it has affected his ability to work-usually he wouldn’t even go to work. That’s happening now as well.
If we were to separate, it would undoubtedly have an impact on his career and financial situation. He’s aware of that, and he always has been. Even his family has said to me many times that without my support, he wouldn’t have been able to accomplish everything he has.

Yet he doesn't consider his children as reasons for staying? It sounds like you're actually carrying him and he knows it. I think that perhaps you need counselling to help you decide what you would like to do with the rest of your life. Your husband has been very foolish.

Don’t be pushed into a decision - this is all very new and devastating. Take your time - let this settle a little - take control and your time deciding. Let him wait for your decision , nothing to be lost by waiting to see how you feel. Wait until you can be more measured - you don’t have to forgive and forget any more than you have to leave. Take the pressure off yourself to do anything immediately. Good luck!

I stayed and a year later it was confirmed the affair never ended and in the meanwhile they bought a house together before ending the relationship with me so he was plane sailing and I was left picking up the pieces trying to start a new life ten steps behind someone who had planned another life.

from the threads I’ve read from women that have stayed most regret it and end up leaving down the line anyway and the ones that remained, sound delusional.

You sound like you have far more than a lot of women do. You’re not stuck you have your own home and finances sure the business will fall apart but is this any life for you?

You could leave now build a new life for yourself and a few years down the line meet someone far better. Or stay and hold this man up for rest of your life whilst he holds no respect for you and screws who he wants. What if he loves her will he stay?

Have a look at Esther Perel too - her podcasts and her book State of Affairs maybe helpful.

I notice you talk a lot about him and his needs and what will happen to him. Have you put him first at the expense of your own needs all these years? He will undoubtedly find life a lot harder without you, but isn't that the consequence of his own actions that he will have to face, or are you going to deal with that for him too?

I think it is too soon and you are too overwhelmed at this moment to see anything clearly. Take a little time to get used to this before you make decisions.

You can’t trust him so the relationship is over. 💐

How can he say he would have no family here? What about your children? His reasoning is pretty disgusting.

It sounds to me that you carry a lot of his burden. The truth is, he has put himself in a position to loose you, his buisness, his children and the life he has built here all for a fling because he is almost 50. He is a fully grown man, he knows and knew what he was doing. He is not holding the responsibility you seem to be, for his own actions. You are the hurt one, your children will also be hurt. He is holding all the cards, after gambling his life away for a woman 24 years younger than him. He needs a massive reality check. You have stood by him and cushioned his fall at all times. Let him fall this time, he has done this, not you. Sending hugs OP. ❤️

If he leaves the kids by moving overseas because you split up, that's his choice. Likewise if he winds up the business. He seems like he's blackmailing you to put up with it. He's caused this.
Can you continue together in the business regardless of your relationship? Can you sell it?

I'm sorry he's done this. It will be tricky to unpick with the business but not at all impossible and you will be better off for it and have a fuller life with more love in it, without this one man who has let you down and lied to you and lost your trust. I'm afraid it is over, anything less will let a man like this know he'll do it again and again, because he only thinks of himself, not you and the kids. You're the opposite, thinking all about him and the kids, but that needs to evolve too so you can centre yourself and do what needs to be done. The kids will be okay as you have done so much for them and will find a way through. Get the legal, financial and emotional support you need and I'd prioritise steps to stop living together, as that's only going to make everything else harder. Take a breath and follow all the great advice on this board for divorce/getting ducks in a row, and don't doubt your instincts. He will take advantage in every way he can, so stay strong, as you know you are. He did this not you. You are the strong one and will thrive.

I don't understand why you are saying you have a house. Surely everything is joint matrimonial assets?

So he bought you a house and a car and yet you are the one with all the drive?
He is not a good man or father.
Never mind threatening to go back to his home country when he has children.
It sounds like you already carry the load in this business.
It is quite a complex situation so at the moment, you don’t have to particularly have to do anything as you actually have the upper hand.
Keep looking after your DC and working but stop doing anything which is exclusively for him.
He sounds like an overgrown teenager.
How on earth did he meet this young woman? Where is she now?
I hope to goodness she’s not an employee.

When you say he bought you a house , is it solely in your name only ?
If that is the case you can legally ask him to leave . Don't
Dont assume if he has said it's your house , that he hasn't put himself in the deeds .
If you haven't already seen them then I suggest you do . Potentially , you need to seek legal advice especially if the business is jointly owned as he can't just sack you .

He is clearly manipulating you by threatening to leave the country if you divorce him. He knows you are a normal, empathetic person, unlike him, who will be concerned, unlike him, for what that will do to the children.

He's duped you all these years into having you believe he's been a loving partner and father. He might have been having flings many more times before but had been better at hiding it.

Do not walk away and start over in the self-sabotaging way you mean to--that will leave him free and clear. Be slow and methodical. First off, don't let him sleep in your bed. Have him sleep on the couch or set up quarters in an extra room. Don't tell him you are seeking legal advice, but do so ASAP. If he's a co-user on any of your bank accounts or credit cards, remove him. Start cutting some unnecessary expenses, like having Internet only but not cable. Stop eating at restaurants and getting take-out. As asked, if he left the country, couldn't you continue on with the business and hire a worker to take over his duties?

Stop feeling sorry for his pitiful self, and don't let him off the hook with custody payments, retirement accounts, pension, etc. He's already done a number on you psychologically. You never know if that money from him will be sorely needed if your children have medical issues. If you don't take what the courts deem is legally required from him, you're doing yourself and your children a great disservice. If you don't care about yourself, at least have the wisdom to take what's deserved for your children.

There are zero good reasons to cheat. He just has bad ethics and lacks the ability to truly love anyone. Otherwise, he wouldn't have hurt you and the children in one of the worst ways possible.

If you believe he would be vindictive and close the business, it might be a good time for you to take classes or continuing education to prepare for a different career while he's still in the home to watch the children in the evening, if you can take night classes or weekend classes. Consider him a roommate only without giving him physical affection and keep him in the dark while you do what's necessary until the final axe of divorce happens. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

He’s a manipulative cunt isn’t he? Just sitting back like a lump after he has fucked over his whole family.

An absolutely atrocious human

I loved him so much I feel so much pain😞

And yet he still had an affair. Leave him you and the children will be much better off

I have small flat on my name (renting) and our home was joint but he spoke to solicitor - he will give his %50 to me

I can see your dilemma. It’s really not easy to just walk away especially with your business. Is the affair still going on? How did you find out? Did he confess?

All of this

If you let him get away with this, he will do it again. I could never sleep with him again or trust him after this. How would he bloody well like it if you had a year-long affair of your own and expected him to put up with it?
were you his first love too? I do think this can happen when neither of you have had much experience...further along the line either of you could have a "mid life crisis" and want to find out what you missed out on!

Did you discover the affair? Has he ended it with her?