Struggling to decide whether to stay after husband's long affair

[mrsuk]

I found out two weeks ago that my husband has been having an affair for the past year, and honestly, I’m still struggling to process it.
The shocking part is that throughout this time he has always been kind, generous and loving towards me. He bought me a house and a car, supported our family financially, and has always been a devoted father to our children. We have been together for 26 years. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, and we have built everything we have together, including our business.
When I discovered the affair, I was completely devastated. I asked him to leave, but he refused, so we are still living under the same roof. I can’t simply leave either because we have children, they are settled in their schools, and they are very close to their father.
My husband moved to this country for me. His family is not here. He says that if we separate, he would eventually return to his home country because he would have no family left here and no motivation to stay. While that is his decision, I worry about the impact on our children. I do not want them to grow up without regular contact with their father.
The woman he was seeing is 24 years younger than him. Apparently, he saw her roughly every ten days. When I asked him why he did it, he said that we have been together for a very long time, he is approaching 50, and he wanted an escape or a “mid-life fling”. That explanation does not excuse what he did, and it certainly does not make it hurt any less.
I am financially secure in many ways. I own my home and I have savings. However, I work in our business, and if I leave him I may also lose my job, which worries me. I do not want to rely on him financially or take money from him. My instinct is to walk away and start over.
The problem is that our lives are deeply intertwined. He says he cannot manage the company alone if I leave. To be honest I cant too- our children are in private schools, we have 7 other employees working for our business so much expenses. Our business mortgage is only £21k amonth so its hard to shut the business as we have contracts etc.
At the same time, I do not want my children to lose their father, but I also find it incredibly difficult to imagine forgiving him or ever trusting him again.
At the moment, I feel torn between protecting myself, protecting my children, and preserving the life we spent more than two decades building together. I genuinely do not know what the right decision is.

I’m really sorry OP, this sounds awful and he sounds awful. He will do it again.
It does sound to me that you are more worried about the financial impact of separation, than anything else.
Take some time to think things through.

Absolutely. You say calmly back I will support our dc to understand it’s not their failing, you’ve failed them as a dad by moving away. And honestly if you could do that I think we should separate immediately. You’re not someone I can be in a relationship with. I chose the wrong dad for my children and I can’t fix that but I can fix what parenting they are exposed to every day.

OP you sound amazing and your DH sounds very ordinary.
I have been here. It’s natural in this stage to want to know more about why he has done this. Sadly the number of middle aged married men who would have an affair with a younger woman and can get away with it is very very high. Like I said. He’s just another ordinary disappointing man so I get the anger at having invested your life in supporting him and not getting the payback of a secure life and family.
You need to move past wanting to punish him and analyse him to focussing only on yourself and your DC. Sadly ordinary men are selfish and don’t put their families first so it’s on you now.
We all love a karma story but I was able to eventually separate from my cheater and set up alone. He happily went off with girlfriend 4 while I am supporting three young adult DC but a few years on he is regretful and lonely and I am couldn’t be happier. I think the saying is that living well is the best revenge. He is an idiot and you will be fine one day.

@mrsuk
I would say the most painful way to leave a man is empty handed.
Leave him with not a penny. You were his backbone, helping him to move forward, so I would say make sure he gets nothing. (If that is even possible).
Unfortunately, the knowledge he has gained with your help you won't be able to take back.
If he's acting like doesn't have the ability to go to work without your support, I would say that is all a show. He is a manipulative person.
He had no respect for you when he was having his affairs. If its happened more than once, he will do it again.
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation and I wish you and the children all the best.
Look after yourself. Stay strong.

You sound like a lovely person.
What your husband has done is purely selfishness.
Having a year long affair and the ones before that is unforgivable.
Stay strong and look after your children.
Show your husband he is the loser and you can be stronger without him.

One where you thrive and your children benefit from seeing their parents in healthy relationships.

No court is going to leave one spouse with nothing though. That's not helpful to the OP.

Sorry yeah I realise that might not have been helpful. @Rachelshair

The OP asked in a joking way ( I assume because of the emoji) and I replied back.
Theres no courts involved in my reply.
Unfortunately, the courts never consider the emotional hurt and abuse the partners cause.

I've been in a similar situation and it was reply, full of empathy, to what is the painful kind of breakup for a man question from the OP.

I think this is a very insightful summary.
He has shown no real remorse- just tried to bully you into accepting it initially by refusing to leave the house and then by threatening to leave the country.
However you are highly linked financially and I think deep down you feel you have no choice but to accept it.
Putting a property in your name is a dramatic gesture to try and make you feel more secure, but because it is an asset which was acquired during your marriage he would still be entitled to 50% of it anyway. Do you feel you are strong enough to adapt to continue being married, with him still running the business, effectively accepting that now the marriage is more like an open one, on his part at least? He presumably will continue to travel and have plenty of opportunity to boost his ego with these dalliances.
That’s the bottom line, can you culturally, socially, emotionally accept a transition from the marriage you thought you had to one where he has a default position of being able to stray when it suits him.

In France for example although some still value monogamy and remaining married , there is research indicating a high tolerance and lower rate of moral condemnation for extramarital affairs compared to many other nations. Your husband sounds like he wants a French arrangement. Can you adjust to accepting that?
Have you tried therapy especially just for you?

Depends on the personality of the man. My ExH had many, many affairs throughout our 22 year marriage. I was pathetically grateful every time he came back to me. But eventually I found some self respect and called time on the marriage. I didn’t leave him for anyone else, I just left, got a fair divorce settlement, got on with my life, supported my DDs, did well professionally and eventually met and married a wonderful man (still with him after 20 years). In other words I rejected him and what he thought he was offering me and he was crushed. He had taken me for granted for years and he thought that putting me down, having lots of other women fawning over him and me looking everything at home made him a big man.

Seeing him at family events after I left, I felt nothing apart from pity and he knew it. Somehow he seemed diminished and all his swagger had gone.

I know I shouldn’t be with him, and I’m fully aware that staying in this situation is hurting me. However, right now there are things I have to prioritise above my own feelings – things that my husband hasn’t been willing or able to do.
My children and my work have to come first because, quite frankly, we’re in a very difficult situation. We’re both doctors and perform surgeries together. I can’t do the first or last operation of the day because I’m the one who takes the children to school and picks them up afterwards.
Some of our patients have been waiting over a year for surgery, and some of them have cancer. I can’t simply walk away and leave them in the lurch. It would be devastating both morally and financially. We hire operating facilities from the hospital for each procedure, and if I were to cancel everything over the next couple of months, I would have to cover those costs and refund patients’ deposits. As I’ve mentioned before, the clinic’s rent alone is £21,000 a month. Since he stopped working, everything has fallen on my shoulders. I’m managing the staff, the patients, the finances and the day-to-day running of the business, whilst trying to reassure everyone without revealing the full truth of what’s going on.
I’m not happy about any of this, but at the moment I don’t feel I have much choice. I told him that I could step away and leave the business entirely to him so he could continue working, but he said he wouldn’t be able to cope or focus. I then suggested that we both step away together, but he said that wouldn’t work either because people would inevitably start asking questions and realise something was wrong.
The other day he was unwell, so I gave my son some soup to take to him because he was taking antibiotics. Afterwards he said, “You were thinking about me,” and tried to hug me. I found it irritating because I told him, “If a sick and hungry stranger knocked on my door, I’d give them exactly the same soup. Please don’t read anything into it.” Then he started saying things like, “How could I ever leave a woman like you?”
I’ve spoken to a solicitor, who told me that the law changed in 2022 and that infidelity no longer has any significant impact on financial settlements or child arrangements. Because of that, she said there’s no need to rush into divorce proceedings.
I’ve also recently discovered that the woman he was involved with was in a relationship herself and apparently left her partner for my husband – which, for our foolish man, seems to count as some grand romantic sacrifice. He told me that she genuinely fell in love with him and that she isn’t a bad person. I won’t pretend that doesn’t irritate me.
That said, when I look at everything I’ve written above, I know I need to stay rational. I can’t allow my anger, hurt or resentment to push my life into an even more difficult position.
Yesterday alone we had to cancel four surgeries. The patients were understandably upset, and the financial loss to the practice was well over £20,000. Some of these patients have been waiting months, and in some cases over a year, for treatment. A number of them are cancer patients. Walking away without a proper plan in place would affect not only me and my family, but also our patients, our staff and the future of the clinic itself.
Yes, this man betrayed me, and he may well do it again. I don’t trust him at all. But the reality is that if I were to walk away from him today, I genuinely don’t think he would be able to function. As frustrating as that is to admit, right now I feel as though I’m carrying the responsibility for everyone involved.

It’s strange to say that, but if he just left and went to be with her, everything would actually be much easier!

Can you not split the business/ patients between you? Or do you both operate on the patient at the same time? In which case, how does he manage the surgeries you don't do because of school drop offs/ pick ups?
Are you both even fit to perform surgery at the moment? I don't think I would want either of you operating on me at the moment with everything that's going on for you.
If you're going to be independent going forward you'll need childcare so you're not rushing to do the school runs and can work a full day.

I think there’s one thing you slightly misunderstood from the solicitor.

The law changed so that adultery is no longer a legal ground or reason for divorce. To divorce now couples simply apply by stating that the marriage has irretrievably broken down.

The fact of adultery before didn’t have bearing on distribution of finances. Theoretically there could be a little extra cost of the initial application borne by the adulterer but really cheaters haven’t had extra financial penalties for decades. The basis is 50:50

He's not a reliable worker, so why don't you tell him that since he's choosing not to work, perhaps look to replace him with another surgeon. He's hurting your practice's reputation.

Christ almighty your husband is a piece of work.

He got caught in an affair and so he doesnt go to work leaving cancer patients untreated? Some of whom have waited a year?

I then suggested that we both step away together, but he said that wouldn’t work either because people would inevitably start asking questions and realise something was wrong.

People would realise somethign was wrong?!

He will leave the country if you dont stay with him, abandoning his kids?

At what point, lovely, has your husband ever thought of anyone but himself?

he

• had an affair
• refuses to take responsibility
• doesnt go to work leaving cancer patients untreated
• relies on you to do keep everything going
• expects you to stay and threatens that he will leave the country and his children if you dont

Lady, I think you have someone that you thought you knew, and you didn't. His personality may be fun and nice, but his underlying character is that of a leech and at this point he's crawling away from taking any responsibility whatsoever.

Please take a good long look at what you're got battening onto you.

(oh and as an aside, other people's disapproval of his actions is not your concern in any way at all.

Also, are you sure this the first affair?)

So he created this problem by having an affair but he is struggling and can’t turn up to work and do his job, so you’re having to deal with that too? He sounds like a Prince!! Sorry you’re having to deal with all of this alone, it sounds like an intense amount of pressure, so I hope you are ok. x

Your mental load sounds extreme. Would it help to make a decision to manage the current ‘bookings’ for treatment but book no more in and wind down the business?

Would be hard but this is not sustainable for anyone to take on. You do sound incredible but you can’t do it all and keep propping him up too. You need to be a little more selfish here.

Oh and the old ‘we just fell in love’ thing. It’s the usual minimising and failure to take responsibility. Men usually don’t like seeing faults in themselves so it’s the old script. I told mine he chose to put himself in a position to ‘fall in love’. Like I couldn’t have done that following any of the endless approaches from married men I just rebuffed because I am not a cheat.

We don’t have to cope with these French style arrangements just because it suits men. You have the ability to earn and support yourself without him so it’s up to you if that’s good enough for you.

We don’t have to cope with these French style arrangements just because it suits men. You have the ability to earn and support yourself without him so it’s up to you if that’s good enough for you.

Do you have the ability to support yourself without him? Do you feel able to tell your wider family yet?

By refusing to work he is basically saying you must forgive me/ allow me to carry on amusing myself as I see fit or I will not participate in any breadwinning. It’s highly controlling and not remorseful, it is like a form of bribery.

Underlying all this, it is clear he has an extreme sense of entitlement. Is he saying he was in love himself (?) or just that the young woman was captivated by him, and that he was flattered by it and fancied a diversion to alleviate his middle aged boredom? By his instant response to ending it with the girlfriend, it is clear he saw it as a French style traditional mistress type arrangement with no intention of jeopardising his home comforts. He doesn’t respect her or you.

I expect he grew up in an environment where there was a gender imbalance and sons were treated like princes who could do as they wished? I’m also guessing within your wider families divorce is relatively unusual?

Your DC will have clearly figured out something is going on as he is not at work as before.Do factor in what advice you would give your daughters if this happened to them.