Struggling to decide whether to stay after husband's long affair

[mrsuk]

I found out two weeks ago that my husband has been having an affair for the past year, and honestly, I’m still struggling to process it.
The shocking part is that throughout this time he has always been kind, generous and loving towards me. He bought me a house and a car, supported our family financially, and has always been a devoted father to our children. We have been together for 26 years. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, and we have built everything we have together, including our business.
When I discovered the affair, I was completely devastated. I asked him to leave, but he refused, so we are still living under the same roof. I can’t simply leave either because we have children, they are settled in their schools, and they are very close to their father.
My husband moved to this country for me. His family is not here. He says that if we separate, he would eventually return to his home country because he would have no family left here and no motivation to stay. While that is his decision, I worry about the impact on our children. I do not want them to grow up without regular contact with their father.
The woman he was seeing is 24 years younger than him. Apparently, he saw her roughly every ten days. When I asked him why he did it, he said that we have been together for a very long time, he is approaching 50, and he wanted an escape or a “mid-life fling”. That explanation does not excuse what he did, and it certainly does not make it hurt any less.
I am financially secure in many ways. I own my home and I have savings. However, I work in our business, and if I leave him I may also lose my job, which worries me. I do not want to rely on him financially or take money from him. My instinct is to walk away and start over.
The problem is that our lives are deeply intertwined. He says he cannot manage the company alone if I leave. To be honest I cant too- our children are in private schools, we have 7 other employees working for our business so much expenses. Our business mortgage is only £21k amonth so its hard to shut the business as we have contracts etc.
At the same time, I do not want my children to lose their father, but I also find it incredibly difficult to imagine forgiving him or ever trusting him again.
At the moment, I feel torn between protecting myself, protecting my children, and preserving the life we spent more than two decades building together. I genuinely do not know what the right decision is.

He's very manipulative and knows just how to play you doesn't he. He's lied cheated screwef around and yet you're worried about him and what he will do. The bottom line is do you, that's you personally, want to stay married to him? Do you want to wake up with him every morning, have an active sex life with him, socialise with him, grow old with him? Trust him with your heart and your finances? Do you believe he'll spend the rest of his life loving you? Caring about and for you? Ignore everything else and honestly answer those questions then you can decide. The joint business threats to leave the kids worried about you job these are all difficult but ultimately solvable issues once you know what you want. The life you thought you had is gone don't hang on to a corrupted shadow of it.

Why can’t you seperate but still continue to run the business together ?

And is he sorry, in the slightest?

Would she trust him? Financially?

Do you work? Have your own money? I'd get legal advice as while the business connections make it hard to exit yourself and your kids nothing is impossible.

This is good advice! 👍

Could you run the business on your own, without him?

How did you find out about the affair?

Does he want to stay with you?

Did he buy you the house you're all living in (or the flat)?

Is there a risk he would take the children to his country?

Did he say anything else to you op other than imply that his children don’t qualify sufficiently as family worth staying for, which as PPS have said, is massively manipulative.

Something along the lines of “I’m sorry” or “I’ve been a stupid arse”?

I’m so very sorry op. This is one humungous betrayal of trust. The pain must be unbearable 💐

He is twelve months ahead of you so you need to remove as best you can the emotion from this situation and employ a shit hot lawyer to get your dh on the back foot while you decide what to do. It’s not appropriate that he uses the children as blackmail.

You can’t make a proper dispassionate decision unless you can visualise what the future looks like precisely business wise or financially, so take the time you need.

But unless he is crawling on his knees begging for genuine forgiveness and demonstrating that he will do everything necessary to make repairs to your relationship, then I think you know what you need to do and your heart needs time to catch up, His responses so far seem worryingly lacking in genuine remorse.

He doesn't appear to show any remorse at all. I don't know why you are struggling with a decision, to be honest. He's not prepared to show you (or his children) any loyalty. Every decision he's made is about him, his wants, his needs.

You'll be fine without him. If he fucks off home then that's his choice. His children will be fine without someone who values them so little. He's hoping to blackmail and argue with you to tolerate him doing exactly what he pleases and you being grateful that he 'stayed'.

Fuck him off.

My wife had a year long affair and it killed me. We did manage to stay together though and gradually build us back. But it wasnt until she had a full realisation of what she had done and showed and had full remorse.
It is a horrible situation to be in and though two weeks of it seems like a lifetime. It is still not enough time to process it. Do not let others including him or your children decide for you what you want. Decide for yourself.

For the business. I have seen similar sized companies go through divorce or one partner leaving. They have survived by figuring out who internally can step up and help.
I dont know what the business is. But there are also channels to go down for funding that can bring with it support. I have done work as a non-exec for companies to fill a gap in their structure with my compensation tied to company profits. There are options.

Take time for yourself. Only choose him if you are sure thats what you want and what he wants and he has full remorse for his actions.

Do not worry about anything else. That can all take care of itself over time.

My thoughts are with you. Stay strong and remember. You have done nothing wrong.

OP - I am sorry this has happened to you.
As much as you want to - start over, and not take anything from him - don't. These feelings are your reaction to pain and you need to be rational.

You built a business together, you have joint assets - and most importantly you have children to support. So you must try to separate the emotion and practicalities. Neither of you can just abandon the children and move away. They will need you both - even if your relationship ends (now or at some other time in the future).

As to why people cheat in long term relationship - unfortunately, it happens. And midlife crisis is something that is a cliché for a reason. Some marriages get through it, some do not.

But at this point - just take your time and see what you want.

He says he cannot manage the company alone if I leave.

Good. But what's best for him is not your concern. What's best for you is. I assume you own 50% of the business? Does it have assets you can divide? There are companies who value businesses for a fee. Get that done for a start. The business will pay. He has a nerve to expect you to stay to help him.

The problem is, once they have a long affair and you stay together, they will do it again. These men are so bloody entitled and forgiving sends the message to them you will tolerate anything. If he has ended the affair there will be another months or even years down the line. I write with experience and now at 67 after 6 years of swallowing down his 2 year affair, we are divorcing. The trust has gone and how ever hard you try, the marriage will not be the same.

He's had a year long affair AND he's spoken to a solicitor and you are contemplating staying? I think he's already over it and just looking for you to pull the plug and be the bad guy

Don’t decide now. Focus on protect yourself immediately. Read up the 180 method.

It sounds as though you might be able to manage the business on your own though OP? It sounds as though you are a lot more together than him, and carry him anyway?

reading your post and replies - I can see why your husband thought he could get away with it. Because you would struggle to leave him. He’s definitely checked out of the marriage and if he cuts it off with this young woman, he’ll only find another one.

We had a very happy marriage. There was never a moment when I regretted marrying him. He always cared about what I wanted and what mattered to me. Whenever I was sick, feeling down, or even during the good times—like planning holidays—he always put my happiness and well-being first.
We got along so well at home and shared the same hobbies and interests. That’s why I still can’t understand how things ended up like this. I trusted him more than anyone—more than my father or my brother. The disappointment and heartbreak I feel are overwhelming.

Right in front of me, he called the woman and told her, “My wife has found out. It’s over now.” I know all his social media accounts passwords. And his phone password, but I had never checked it before. They never spoke on the phone while he was at home, and there were no messages between them. In fact, her number wasn’t even saved in his phone. He told me that he had said to her, “I don’t want any harm to come to my family. Don’t ever contact me call or text me.”
What makes this even stranger is that I received a message on social media saying, “Your husband is cheating on you with this woman,” and they even gave her name. I checked my husband’s Instagram account, found her profile, and saw that she had posted a photo captioned “Our first anniversary”. The picture showed their hands together, and I recognised my husband’s hand immediately. That was how I found out about the affair. I was completely shocked.
Personally, I think the message was sent by that woman but my husband says its not her.

I also have that woman’s phone number. I considered calling her, not to argue or cause a scene, but simply because I wanted honesty.

If my husband ever contacts her again, I would want her to tell me so that I can make my decision and move on more quickly. I could never be involved with a married man myself. I would never knowingly put another woman through this kind of pain.

That said, I don’t blame her as much as I blame my husband. He’s the one who made promises to me, not her. All I want is honesty. If she wants to call my husband and he chooses to go to her, then that’s his decision. At least I would know the truth and wouldn’t have to live with uncertainty.

@mrsuk your update makes it clear what kind of cheat he is. I have seen the damage from lots of affairs and there is a type of cheat that acts as though they still love their primary partner, spoil them and give nothing away on their treatment of them and tbh they’re the ones that frighten me the most because the level of manipulation, ability to compartmentalise and the total lack of remorse. I suspect this isn’t his first rodeo and I hate to say that but he didn’t even try to fake a moral compass by creating some kind of secondary narrative. The fact he put so many safe guards in place to protect him from you finding out is a huge red flag. I could almost guarantee he has cheated before.

This fits with the manipulation he is now playing.

Get rid, he is very unsafe for you. Ducks in a row. It will be hard but you will be ok.

Yes, he admitted to me that there had been a few other women too, but he said this woman had fallen in love with him. He told me that he liked the attention she gave him and enjoyed the way she was interested in him.

@mrsuk then he’s a serial cheat and he will cheat again.

im sorry but surely you can see you’re worth more than this and to get rid.

He is disgusting. He has put you at risk of STIs multiple times and removed your personal agency.

It’s time to pull him off that pedestal and take a long hard look at the utter creep you are married to.

When he said to you what he purportedly told his mistress, that she not call him again in order not to harm his family, I can't understand why you believe any word that comes out of his ugly mouth. He kept this from you for a year and kept his other affairs secret, and yet you're still so sure he has possessed real love for you and that he may now stop being a dirtbag is totally you being an ostrich with its head in the sand.

I'm hoping it's just the shock that is temporarily clouding your judgment. If you have a female in your life whom you love, what would you advise her if she were in the same situation? You're likely the type to put yourself last thinking it's what a wife and mother does, but that's faulty thinking. You have to have your own back in this life. He certainly doesn't and you're a grown woman so nobody else will come sweeping in to save you.