Struggling to decide whether to stay after husband's long affair

[mrsuk]

I found out two weeks ago that my husband has been having an affair for the past year, and honestly, I’m still struggling to process it.
The shocking part is that throughout this time he has always been kind, generous and loving towards me. He bought me a house and a car, supported our family financially, and has always been a devoted father to our children. We have been together for 26 years. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, and we have built everything we have together, including our business.
When I discovered the affair, I was completely devastated. I asked him to leave, but he refused, so we are still living under the same roof. I can’t simply leave either because we have children, they are settled in their schools, and they are very close to their father.
My husband moved to this country for me. His family is not here. He says that if we separate, he would eventually return to his home country because he would have no family left here and no motivation to stay. While that is his decision, I worry about the impact on our children. I do not want them to grow up without regular contact with their father.
The woman he was seeing is 24 years younger than him. Apparently, he saw her roughly every ten days. When I asked him why he did it, he said that we have been together for a very long time, he is approaching 50, and he wanted an escape or a “mid-life fling”. That explanation does not excuse what he did, and it certainly does not make it hurt any less.
I am financially secure in many ways. I own my home and I have savings. However, I work in our business, and if I leave him I may also lose my job, which worries me. I do not want to rely on him financially or take money from him. My instinct is to walk away and start over.
The problem is that our lives are deeply intertwined. He says he cannot manage the company alone if I leave. To be honest I cant too- our children are in private schools, we have 7 other employees working for our business so much expenses. Our business mortgage is only £21k amonth so its hard to shut the business as we have contracts etc.
At the same time, I do not want my children to lose their father, but I also find it incredibly difficult to imagine forgiving him or ever trusting him again.
At the moment, I feel torn between protecting myself, protecting my children, and preserving the life we spent more than two decades building together. I genuinely do not know what the right decision is.

OP he's worried about his business and finances, he's not worried about you or the children. Don't believe that he broke it off with her, he'll move onto someone else.

That’s not how division of assets in a divorce works. You need to seek competent legal advice from a family solicitor who is experienced in dealing with cases involving a joint business.

Don't just walk away. You would regret it. Educate yourself: Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies.

And heed @ScorpionLioness79 ‘s advice.

Is he even sorry? Is he begging for your forgiveness for the hurt he’s caused?
It might be your writing style but he doesn’t sound bothered or that he’s inclined to stop.

It also sounds like you know you are going to stay because it will be too financially complex to separate. In which case expect more affairs and decide how you’re going to manage that emotionally.

I think you probably know your marriage is over OP.

No amout of performative calling it off with the other woman can change that.

He doesn't sound remotely sorry?

Weirdly, it feels like you still trust him. He says this, he says that. He’s a manipulative liar and NOT a good father. You need to seek legal advice ASAP and review and copy all paperwork, make a list of absolutely everything and check its legal standing. He hasn’t ’bought you a house’ has he? You’re married and it’s a marriage asset. Him saying he’ll sign this or that over, wait until you stand firm with leaving him and see how generous he is then - this is a man threatening to desert his children if you don’t forgive him! He’s disgusting and I have to say you have never had a good marriage. It’s heartbreaking and painful and I’m sorry, but it’s been built on lies and he still now is playing you like a fiddle. You need to get your practical head and on and rescue your business, the roof over your head, and prepare the children. It sounds like you’ve been carrying him all these years, and he’s a fucking leach that’s convinced you he does stuff for you, when it’s been the other way around all along.

If my husband ever contacts her again, I would want her to tell me so that I can make my decision and move on more quickly.

Woah, this makes no sense. Sounds like your take is to stay as long as he never contacts this woman again, but you know he's had other women before so it's not a one-off and it's not about this woman. It's about him being a serial cheat who you can never trust and who isn't this perfect husband you're clinging onto and never was. And it's about you, living a lie by staying with him or choosing the truth and freeing yourself from this delusion and future of unending heartbreak.

He's spun you a right one, so you're even believing all this shit about he'll give you xyz if you split. That's not how divorces work and he won't be this magnanimous man you're still imagining. He won't even give you the respect of leaving the house now so you that can have some clarity and deal with this shock. He only cares about him - he'd even leave the country rather than stay for his children. I'm sorry but you're in for many more shocks about the kind of man you really married and the more honest with yourself you are and the more clued up you get - from people/sources that support you, not from his lying mouth - the better. Don't wait for this woman or your DH to tell you the truth. They're fundamentally incapable of it and not invested in doing do. Make your decision now, or as soon as you're capable, and then you can start to move on.

I also deeply dislike his show of calling the woman in front of you to cut it off, as if that matters except for him to control the narrative, and the way he makes out she fell in love with him and he was this prince who warned her away from his family. Can you not see from that alone how much he uses and manipulates - and deep down utterly disrespects - women? This is what he's done to you, just as he did to him. She's there posting about their anniversary, all loved up, while he's compartmentalised it and is apparently willing to drop her like a brick when it suits his bigger plan. Because he needs you for the business and the kids and way back to stay in this country. There's a whole strategy here and it's utterly selfish and misogynist. Don't think because he talks her down that it's raising you up. He's talked you down to, for a year with her and before with others. He lies. That's the only thing you really know about him. If you believe him and stay, he'll keep lying and cheating and using you till you're all used up. And then at some point when it suits him, he'll leave anyway.

Right - could you buy him out?

He’s already spoken to a solicitor and you need to catch up quickly. This is the most important thing to sort out on Monday morning.

It does sound like you're contemplating staying with a man who has cheated on you multiple times 😳 the levels of deception he has perpetrated to keep this hidden from you while being able to act convincingly the doting husband is quite staggering. You must feel that you didn't know him at all, just the version of himself that he chose to show you.

Can you ask him to leave for a bit and give you some space and time to think? Once the shock has worn off, you need to think very carefully about what you want your future to be.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is so painful and so unnecessary. It’s not my place to advise you on what to do, but everything I’m about to say comes from my own experience so I hope you take it in the spirit it is intended. It might be long so apologies if so.

Firstly I would consider giving it some time behind making any decisions. You’ve experienced a major shock and are going through significant trauma. You don’t need to be making long term plans before dealing with that.

I think it’s also worth considering that your dh is in a bad place too. I’m not saying you should feel sorry for him, simply understand that he isn’t operating as his highest self, and he’s not the man you knew and loved right now. This behaviour stemmed from a place of fear, justification and denial even before he began the affair. Everything he is saying now is coming from that place, he just wants all of this to go away without too much effort from him and he will say anything to make this happen. All this talk of moving away leaning the kids is actually very calculated. As is the refusal to leave and trying to get you to believe that you can’t manage the business alone (something I suspect you are already actively doing via managing him). I think when you really look at this you will come to realise, as I did, that I had been managing a lot of things by myself, and managing them well. Whereas my dh with all of his apparently well-meaning words of wisdom and advice couldn’t even manage to be alone with his feelings, hence the emotional affair.

It will take a significant about of self-reflection before he can even begin to come to terms with what he has done and try to repair this (if you even want him to). I would strongly advise professional support for both of you via some form of therapy (separately). It’s important that he commits himself to a long period of improvement, even then he may not be up to the task. It’s much easier to blame you or life or circumstances rather than his own weakness. Words are easy, but actions are the only thing that will demonstrate change. At the moment it seems that he is still very much in self-protection mode. He needs to shift into repair mode and that can take a while (if it even happens at all).

In my situation, dh was only truly motivated to change when I decided it was over. We had numerous false starts where it seemed like he was ready to repair but in reality he only paid lip service to the process and wanted to continue burying his head in the sand. I didn’t leave to make him change, I did so because I realised that the man I loved left long ago and I didn’t like or respect the man he had become.

The only piece of advice I can give you is the hardest, particularly in the early stages, but it is valuable nonetheless: Even though it is painful, you have to be ok with moving on without him. At the minute you are spending a lot of time thinking about him, his actions and his motivations, but it’s more important to spend that energy on yourself and deciding what you want. You can’t make him change, but you can influence your own life and that of your children. I can tell you from bitter experience that while you won’t necessarily feel better, you will feel much more in control if you focus on that.

I had so much love and respect for him. Yes, everything is completely upside down right now, but do you know what? I honestly feel as though he can’t hurt me any more than he already has, and he can’t disappoint me any further.

Every day, I’m going to do everything I can to become stronger. What has happened has changed me enormously. In the past, for the sake of our family, I would always try to save money. Even though we were financially comfortable, I’d suggest cheaper holidays, a more modest car, and I’d say things like, “We don’t need a cleaner for the house, it’s not necessary.”

I’m very different now. If he was happy to spend his time and money on foolish things, then I don’t see why I should keep worrying about every penny anymore.

Up until now, I have never asked him for anything financially. But the other day I told him to put some money into the children’s savings accounts—whatever amount he could manage. He did it, and he sent some money to me as well.

My priority was always his career because I saw him as the provider and the man of our family. I supported our family both financially and emotionally.

I was the one helping the children with their studies and making sure everything at home ran smoothly. I would often say there was no need for private tutors because I could help them myself. I would suggest we eat at home more often so we could save money, and I was always encouraging him to attend events, gain new skills, and invest in his career development.

Looking back, I realise that I put myself on hold while helping him move forward. I was so focused on supporting our family and his success that I neglected my own ambitions.
What makes it even more frustrating is that I have the same qualifications and educational background as he does. The difference is that I chose to prioritise our family, while he was able to focus on building his career with my support behind him.

This whole situation has opened my eyes. He isn’t going to break me, ladies, so don’t worry.

And he’s thrown all that away for a shag.

That’s big of him. That’s the least you are entitled to. Half the business , his pension (have you got a pension?). Child maintenance.
Please see a solicitor asap.
He would still be seeing her if you hadn’t found out.

This whole situation has opened my eyes. He isn’t going to break me, ladies, so don’t worry.

But you are staying. He has broken you if you think staying with him, knowing what a cheat he is, somehow makes things ok.

@mrsuk the discovery of infidelity is a trauma. In those first few days and weeks it is VERY natural to want to repair with the cheat and hold onto some semblance of normality. But as you process this huge betrayal (several incidents of cheating with several women and a long term affair) you will start to harden and the desperation to hold onto your narrative will go. You will start to realise that he has removed your personal agency, right to informed sexual consent, manipulated and lied to you whilst maintaining a loving persona… that is top level nasty. He couldn’t even be bothered to pretend to care about what he was doing to his family by faking a moral compass.

You are not safe, emotionally, mentally or sexually and your anxiety will rocket as your subconscious fully realises this. No amount of jumping through hoops that you create for him (putting money in the kids savings accounts) will make you feel better. You need to have some serious space to process this and get away from his manipulation. This man has personality traits from the dark triad, he is deeply manipulative, callous and lacks empathy. He is not your bulk standard cheat, he has conducted himself in a particularly calculating way.

Your eyes may be open but those eyes need to be seeking legal advice and getting ducks in a row before he can cause you anymore pain.

I agree.

“If we were to separate, it would undoubtedly have an impact on his career and financial situation. He’s aware of that, and he always has been.”

Not your priority anymore. You need to decide what you want, and to put plans into action to accomplish this. If you decide to leave, you can play the long game and get everything organised before telling him. Also, if you separate, he has caused this, not you.

Think of all the money he has poured into restaurant meals and gifts for his mistresses, all money that has not been saved for your retirement, emergency money, children's college tuition. When you divorce, a portion of his money will legally HAVE to put going toward custody where you can ensure at least a portion of his earnings will be going where they should be going.

If you don't get that legal ball rolling now, it's him who could be maneuvering his funds to try to prevent you from getting your fair share. Don't give him that advantage. Don't give him more time to pour funds into mistresses. That's taking away from your children. Why do you own a home together plus have a separate rented apartment?

This is undoubtedly the most awful thing he could have done. To have done it multiple times including the same woman for over a year shows how little respect he has for you.

I want to share the benefit of my experience. My FIL cheated on my MIL for a number of years. Each time she forgave him because he chose her over the OW. Until he chose the OW. MIL was left alone in her 70s and died very quickly of dementia because she had nothing to live for and noone to spend her time with.

He's done this before and will do it again. You're young enough to find someone new when you want to. Don't stick with him and be lonely for the rest of your life.

What @Sunshinemoonlightboogie and subsequent posters said. All of it.

@mrsuk - he has betrayed you in more ways than sexually. He doesn’t have your back. He is not your friend.

Above all he is looking out for himself and is entirely focused on his own best interests. I strongly suggest you do the same.

I also found out today that he went abroad with her on his business trip.

I will leave him-but at a time and in a way he would never expect!

Ladies, what do you think is the most painful kind of breakup for a man? 😀

You are asking the wrong question. What you should focus on is the way to split which gives YOU the best outcome.

He is manipulating you saying he will return to his home country. He’s trying to set up a situation where you would feel responsible for the children losing their father if you separated. Don’t take the bait. If his own children are not enough for him to stay, if he would abandon them like that, then he is worse than you think.

He says that if we separate, he would eventually return to his home country because he would have no family left here and no motivation to stay.

So, his kids are not motivation. Wow.