How should I explain our divorce to my adult daughter?

[Danfromdownunder]

Hi all, my husband has been seeing prostitutes and other women over our 28 year marriage. I have lined up a lawyer for next week and a counseling appointment for myself too. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to tell my daughter? She’s 23 so not a baby. One part of me wants to give her some idea by saying your father betrayed me and that is why we are divorcing without the details just because I think he needs to own his behaviour. But I’m worried that will damage her relationship with him too much. At this point (1 week post confession) I am really just wanting to avoid making this painful for her as much as I can. Thank you

Honestly at that age I would tell her the truth. She’s old enough to come to her own conclusions and your ex doesn’t deserve protecting.

rough situation to be in OP. I hope you have lots of support around you and I wish you all the best

I don’t think she needs to know he has had sex with sex workers. I told my teenage DC some details but also emphasized he is good dad and there are two sides etc. you can add more later but you can’t take anything back

I would personally go along the lines of ‘you’re an adult and I want to be open with you about what’s going on with me and dad. He has hurt and betrayed me but that’s for him to explain (and absolutely make sure he does).’ As for the relationship with her father, she’s 23, she will make her own mind up pretty quickly. That’s on him, not you.

Don't you leave the twat up there in his pedestal. Dd needs the truth.

Definitely this.

It's hard to say without knowing the relationships. I think the healthier thing to do is to do as you describe, but if I was you I'd probably have to hold myself back to not go full scorched Earth.

She should know the truth in a limited fashion. That your husband was unfaithful and so you are splitting up. He has damaged their relationship by betraying you.

My parents didn’t explain their split to me because I was younger and it caused a lot of confusion and my sister turned on my mum a bit. Blaming her when it was dad who cheated and left.

I have a very open and honest relationship with my adult children. There are no subjects that are off the table. At the same time, they and I have elements of our lives that are private.

In your shoes, I would state that the break up is related to intimate issues that you don’t want to share / discuss with her. You can state that they are not of a nature that her relationship with her Dad needs to be impacted. You can say it’s defo over and, for now, you don’t feel amicable with him. You need space and to focus on moving on. She is welcome to talk about the impact on her and her and your feelings, but the cause for the split is off the table

Thanks all. I really appreciate the advice. I think I’ll try to do the light touch- he betrayed me multiple times. Leaving out the fact they were hookers. If she really wants to know in time perhaps once things are settled and she can see it’s all worked out ok, I could consider being more honest but only if she really wanted me to. It’s not just prostitutes it’s other hook ups too. Cunt. I knew it you know. All these years I knew and I actually feel some kind of relief that I’m not crazy or insecure. Cunt lol.

I think you can be honest about finding out he was repeatedly unfaithful. Not sure you need to tell her it was prostitutes though!

He's the one who has ruined your family. Unless he's suddenly developed a serious medical condition which affects his judgment (and that can happen), there's no excuse.
Even older childre can suffer terribly from divorce, and why should you take the blame?

Prepare yourself that she might want details of who he was unfaithful with. My husband had an affair. Two of our children had no interest in knowing the details but the eldest felt he needed to know.

Indeed a cunt. But workout a bit in your head how relationship with him will go ahead going forward. Never want to see him again, Are you happy to be I. The same room with him but not talk, willing to be at the top table if he’s there at her wedding etc etc. Not right now obviously, but will you be able to be civil going forward for her sake.
?

At 23 she should hear the truth.

Ok I personally would ask her how much she wants to know.

I’m no expert on relationships but I wouldn’t assume anything about what she is thinking, I also would be careful about my own motives.

I’d tell her. It’s not your shame, it’s his.

I really wish I didn't know that my dad cheated on my mum 🤷‍♀️. As an adult it still causes guilt when I enjoy time with him, even though my mum was always clear that she wanted me to have a good relationship with my dad (and it wasn't her who told me).

I think leaving out the fact he cheated on you with sex workers, and put your own health at risk as a result, is a pretty important fact that your daughter should know. This wasn’t some office fling.

She is an adult. Don’t betray her either by not telling the truth.

You need to visit a sexual health clinic if you havnt already by the way.

good luck. 🍀

I think tell her the bare minimum but let her ask her father for the details.
I think you can say that "your father let me down & hurt me" and that at 23 she will work it out herself.
Then if she presses for more you tell her to ask him about it. It's his mess so he should have to explain it to her if she needs this.

If he has anything about him he should tell her the truth anyway.

I think you need to act with dignity and resist the urge to run him down in front of her.
He's been a total sh*t but he's her dad and she will love him unconditionally so making her feel uncomfortable about this is where it can get messy for kids, even adult ones.

I'd tell your DD he's been unfaithful but also tell her it's not the first time, if she thinks it's a one night stand she may expect you to forgive him.

He's been a total sht but he's her dad and she will love him unconditionally so making her feel uncomfortable about this is where it can get messy for kids, even adult ones.*

Not all kids love their parents unconditionally!!

I agree that I would ask her how much she wants to know and warn her that it might make her think differently about her dad. Honestly, I wouldn't want to spend time with ANYONE who used sex workers, and wouldn't appreciate having that choice taken away from me.

I also think it can be damaging for a parent to 'never say a bad world' about the other parent if it means effectively lying to your children and teaching them to put up with behaviour that you yourself have decided is too much for you to want to be a part of.

You know what their relationship is like - do you think she will feel validated to know that he is officially a shit, or will be it a complete bolt from the blue for her?

Honestly, I’d tell your adult daughter the full reason you’re divorcing, don’t let him tell her his version.
My DM never told me why her and dad divorced and she died before I felt that I could ask. When I was a child I always thought dad was great, but as an adult I see how selfish he was and why me and mum lived in a cold house wearing clothes from the jumble sale, while he and his new family had central heating and foreign holidays. I so wish I could go back and thank her for all she did for me, and tell her that I see dad for who he was now.

The OP knows her daughter's relationship with her dad and whether she loves him.

And actually, yes, I think on some level we all love our parents no matter what they do to us which is where a lot of trauma and upset in life comes from.

The daughter is in her 20s so she can make up her own mind about her dad. She will soon see him for what he is. And maybe she already does?

I think the OP should move forward with dignity and not stoop to telling her daughter all the sordid details of her dad's behaviour - can't see the benefit to the daughter in that.

I’d tell her the truth - you don’t need to tell her all the gory details, just “over the last X number of years your dad has betrayed me by sleeping with both sex workers and other women”. If she wants to know full details she can then ask him. If you minimise it, honestly, you can guarantee he’ll get let off lightly and tell her a version that paints him in a much better light, and possibly make you look like you overreacted. You don’t owe him anything.

I think I’d ask her how much she wants to know.
Then tell her the bare facts whilst reiterating that her dad still loves her etc. Tell her to ask him for the full details, but I’d tell the truth about him being unfaithful with multiple hook ups and even prostitution - If she says she wants to know.