Possible funeral drama

[ExDiedToldNotToGoToFuneral]

I need advice.

What would you do?

I was dating someone 18 months+. His ex was always in the background trying to get his attention. She had a new partner too. Something felt off in our relationship so I distanced myself. We split up mid March.

I nursed him through a couple of life changing operations.

Anyway long story short. She wedged herself in out relationship using her teenage daughter who he was extremely found of. He cheated. But I only found our yesterday. A week after he died.

She's rewriting history and erasing me. Telling everyone they were together 5 years. They were together 3 or 4 months.

I got to see him in hospital the day he died. I was allowed a few minutes.

She's told me she doesn't want me at the funeral.

Feeling a bit lost and confused.

What would you do? I want to say goodbye but not sure I can tolerate the lies and her main character syndrome. She's very controlling and dictating what she wants for his funeral.

Who is organising his funeral ? Surely they state what’s happening and who is welcome and not her ?

If it’s important to you that you go, then go. Pay no attention to her and her attention seeking ways. Blank her. Sit at the back and remember him in your own way and leave after. Dignity at all times. You know the truth, it doesn’t matter what she says.

Don't go.

I’d avoid the drama and let her get on with it. Do something nice at the time the funeral is happening and light a candle for him at home that evening. 💐

She cannot tell you not to attend if its in a church. Do you any of his family that you could speak to? Tell everyone the truth without sounding like you are trying to get at her.
I bet people know what she's like. Sorry for your loss, even though you were not together its very hard when you lose someone you were close to. 💐

Two options. She can't stop you from attending the funeral. You could choose to pay your respects this traditional way. Presumably his friends and own family were aware of your relationship..? You don't have to make a display of your own 'superior claim' to mourn. Be dignified, discrete. Or. Think of a meaningful way to mark his passing, perhaps somewhere you shared a love for, and have your own private goodbye. And if anyone actually enquires about your relationship, just give the truth.

Did he have a partner? It seems odd that his ex who he dated for 3 or 4 months has any say. I’d probably not bother going if I were you.

If it's in a church then she probably can't stop you going, but would you really want to go somewhere where you would be unwelcome like that? If it is at a crematorium then it is less of a public event and she just has to ensure you are not told the details.

Is it being livestreamed? It might be better if you could get hold of the links and password for that, then you could watch without being there in person and wouldn't have to be in the company of people who don't seem to want you there.

Who is organizing /paying for the funeral? As funerals are in public places I don't see that you can be prevented from attending, if it's another family member organizing it, I would ask them about arrangements and what is expected.

I wouldn’t go tbh. He cheated on you.

I would go, sit at the back and leave immediately afterwards. Anyone can attend a funeral, there’s not an invitation list.

But I don't understand why she's organising the funeral, as I assume she is if she thinks she has the right to tell you not to attend? Didn't he have family?

To answer some questions.

It's a crem service only I think.

Previous history - he lived with someone they bought a house together (M). He had an affair with K. He and M split up because of this affair.

He then dated K for about a year. I met him after they split up (he and K). He lived with M as roomates throughout.

He had serious health issues and needed a op. He wanted to write his will. I helped him. He left something in his will to K's daughter and a letter. He hand delivered the letter to K's ex husband which was to be given to their daughter when/if appropriate. This opened a can of worms. The letter was given to the daughter obvious upset. K wanted a letter. K was getting in touch with him and was persistent.

The daughter was used for K to keep in touch. Pushing him to see her. Lots of manipulation.

M is organising the funeral.
K is his partner of 3 or 4 months. He was cheating on me for a month or two.

He died a week ago

I wouldn't go and would just visit his grave later on my own

I wouldn’t even go

It all sounds incredibly messy and dysfunctional.

I don't think this funeral is going to be a good way to say your goodbye.

I'd suggest you do something symbolic alone such as lay flowers somewhere that has significance to you both.

K is not organising the funeral M is.

He changed his will a month or so ago. K has now been included and is also an executor. She is demanding M change funeral arragements to whatever she (K) wants. She is very demanding and controlling.

K's affair with him was 5 years ago which is why she is telling everyone she has been with hi for 4 years .

M has now stepped back from organising changes to the funeral and told K to do whatever she wants.

The funeral is being paid from his estate.

M has told me I have a right to be there. His Mum wants me there.

I have thought about going and wearing foam earplugs so I don't have to listen to K's lies. They were not together 5 years she didn't even visit him when he had his operations. Intact she caused drama then - Nov 25, and he blocked her and her daughter when he was in hospital.

I'm getting off topic.

It's a mess.

I loved him and he loved me but our relationship was over.

Do I go? Will I regret not going?

It's a mind fuck.

There won't be a grave.

She has decided where his ashes will be spread. An area that has no significance to him.

Don't go. You won't get anything from it.

His Mum and his friends obviously know I was in a relationship with him.

K has been told I have every right to be there.

My kids wanted to go to the funeral, 18 and 20, but I don't want to put them in that environment. Maybe that's the answer to my question - I shouldn't be in that environment either

It doesn’t sound like a nice way to say goodbye to someone. It sounds like a lot of drama for a man that the two of you barely knew.

She was the other woman in his first relationship, he lived with his ex as ‘roommates’ while in a relationship with his mistress. Then gets with you but goes back to her? Sounds very romantic!

I am sorry for your loss. It must be very confusing and very sad.

She is also grieving and is not thinking clearly.

If it is important to you to attend his funeral to say goodbye, please go. You don't need to interact with anyone and you can leave when you feel ready, however if you want to go to defy her then it won't do any good.

Do you have any friends that can go with you and hold your hand?

I didn't go to my mum's funeral because of my toxic father and sibling and I don't regret it. At the time of the funeral my husband and I walked quietly along the beach and thought about my mum. When the abusive phone calls started about an hour later I knew I had made the right decision.

Visit his mother.
Give your condolances to her.
Consider asking his mother to ask for some of the ashes to place in a spot that she thinks is appropriate, if she feels left out.

If you wish, go to the funeral and stand with a friend.
You don't need to speak to anyone.
Offer condolances to everyone who has suffered.
You are there to remember your ex.
It could be a circus so I would not attend.
Will the funeral be transmitted on-line.

Don't attend the wake or spreading of the ashes.
Visit later on with flowers if you wish.

Thanks Wre.

I knew nothing of his affair with K until yesterday.

I spent a short period of my life with someone I loved. I'm dealing with my feelings. I now know some of what has been happening in the last few months. I can't get in his head. What's done is done.

No it's not romantic, Yes it's a mess, I have never felt grief like this. It really knocked me off my feet. Yesterday I learnt he was cheating. I was distancing myself at the time because I sensed something was not right.

Regardless. K is an awful person and not someone I want to be around.