Not brave enough to say I’m unhappy in my marriage

[maryshelleyyy]

I have been married for more than 20 years and over the last few I have found myself being increasingly less happy in my marriage. I’m happy to allocate part of this to being perimenopausal but basically it’s down to my husband being almost a completely silent partner in not just our relationship but with almost any relationship he has, friends, family members etc.

It’s got to the point where I know I have to say something to him about it and introduce a discussion to see how he’s feeling (he never ever starts a conversation about feelings, in fact rarely starts a conversation at all).

The problem is that I am firstly annoyed that I as always have to be the proactive partner in the relationship to get something sorted out but also that I can already see how the conversation is going to go - he doesn’t have an issue with anything (except for me going totally off sex), he doesn’t think he’s depressed, he’ll try harder etc - and hey presto, he’ll try harder for a week or two before it fizzles out and we’ll be back to square one.

I also am historically awful at confrontation and am always totally on alert for how I might have upset or offended anyone which isn’t helping me try to prepare for this and feel ready. I have tried to rehearse what I want/need to say in my head, making sure I use ‘I’ phrasing and not ‘you’ phrasing etc but I can’t see any version of it in which it’s basically not a long laundry list of the ways in which he disappoints me.

I’ve got to do something and there’s an opportunity coming next month where we will be free of the teenagers, which I feel will be the ideal time to have the conversation. And as much as I know I need to say it all, I’m already bottling it and scared of how to start, what to say etc.

Sorry if this is too vague for any direction or advice but I would really appreciate anyone’s input or encouragement.

Thanks all.

Besides a discussion and counseling, perhaps give him a taste of what it will be like to miss you while you're living in the same house, which might end up being a permanent missing if a divorce happens.

So I'd sign up for some hobby/activity class a night or two during the week where you participate in an art class, or learn a different language, or take dance lessons. Start meeting up with a girlfriend or two more often when your husband is home. When you tell him about the class, and that you want to meet with friends more often, it's because your life needs a bit of a shake up, with more fun and less humdrum.

When home, if you two are normally parked in front of the TV, change things up and go in a separate room to work on the new language you're learning, or to read a book you picked up at the library, or to listen to an audio book.

I'm not into playing games, but sometimes changing your own behavior is the best way to change someone else's. It could make him nervous that you finding joy elsewhere will be the wake up call he needs. You could also let some of the housework where he's mainly affected, slide. Maybe he'll find himself with no clean clothes to wear. Maybe tell him you no longer have the energy to do XYZ. Don't make dinner and tell him at the last minute you're meeting your friend for dinner, or are going to the library and you're not hungry. Sounds counterintuitive to be more separate than together, temporarily, but perhaps worth a try since communication hasn't worked and it might be the remedy to have him wanting to improve.