Pregnant and struggling after partner says he misses his old family

[Georgia3092]

I'm currently around 6 weeks pregnant and feeling incredibly sad and lost about my relationship.

I've known my partner for around 4.5 years and we've been together for approximately 18 months. He has a 3 year old son with his ex-partner and was part of her older son's (now 14) life for several years too. They were together for nearly 4 years.

Throughout our relationship he's repeatedly told me how sad he is, how much he misses his family, and how there's a "hole" in his life. He says he loves me, I'm the person he wants to be with, I make him incredibly happy and that our relationship is great, but he still feels this sadness.

Last night he told me that even while we were on holiday together the last few weeks he felt sad and like something was missing. He said the hole gets filled when he's with his ex-partner, their son and her older child. He insists this isn't about wanting to get back together with her, but about missing the family unit.

I completely understand missing your child, but I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to hear that as his pregnant partner. All I hear is that something is missing when he's with me.

To make matters worse, he still stays overnight at his ex's house when visiting his son. I've told him this causes me huge anxiety, especially now I'm pregnant, and I've asked him to stop. He has basically told me he isn't willing to do that.

I feel like I've spent 18 months supporting him through his sadness, but nothing ever changes. He's recently started therapy but we're still having exactly the same conversations.

I love him very much, but I don't think I can continue in the relationship as it currently is. I feel constantly insecure, exhausted and emotionally drained.

Am I being unreasonable? How would other people interpret what he's saying? Is this simply grief over the loss of a family unit, or would you see it as a sign that someone isn't fully committed to the relationship they're in?

I'm his best friend etc and his unhappiness isn't anything to do with me or our relationship because I make him incredibly happy.

Yes because it's normal for your partner and best friend to sleep overnight in the same house (=bed) as his ex, and constantly tells you he yearns for his old life with her.

I know what it's like to be pregnant and vulnerable / second best. If you go through with it, you need to make sure you are in absolute full control. Don't end up in a situation where he plays on your vulnerability and ends up adding the new baby into his dream mix with her.

Those poor kids, they probably don’t know which way their arses are hanging with his coming and going. They are going to grow up to have such a messy view of relationships. And you’re bringing another one into the mix!
I think you should prepare yourself to be a single mum with no help from this bloke whatsoever.

You need to grow up and start thinking about you and your baby; and stop being taken in by his rubbish.
in fact, have a conversation with the “ex”, I’m sure it will be quite enlightening.

Cake and eating it springs to mind Op🙄

OP, he doesn’t love you. He is very unlikely to love the baby. He is likely cheating on you with his ex. Don’t bring a child into this mess.

Nah, you will always be second best and he is sleeping with his ex. He is telling you who and what he is, please listen!

Please don't bring another child into this shit show.

This child is only three years old and in that space of time he left his ex, got with you and you’ve got pregnant. Everyone in this situation is quite frankly stupid.

He’s told you from the beginning that he misses her and their family and he still stays over there yet you’ve decided to stay with him and now have his child.

You honestly have no one to blame but yourself here. Why on earth did you think it would be a good idea to throw another child into this messed up relationship.

He was with his ex for 'nearly 4 years' and they have a 3-year-old.
He has a 14-yr-old stepson.
You've been a couple for 18 months and now you're pregnant.

Bit of a pattern, isn't there... the next stage of which will be for him to abandon you and cry on some other mug's shoulder about how sad it all makes him.

Sorry, that is mean of me. You sound like a sweet person. But you've wandered into a situation with a self-pitying man whose priority is not his children's security and happiness, or yours. And that can only spell disaster for the lot of you.

Once kids are in the mix, his talk of 'holes in his life', and you angsting over whether he wants to be with her or you, are completely irrelevant. You don't see it now. You will do. Please think about your future and consider your options carefully.

He’s a complete loser. I knew you were going to say he left that relationship, because of course he did. I don’t know when that breakup happened, but that child was 18 months at the oldest when he chose to leave the family he now apparently misses. He’s now starting a new family with you but he’s messing that up too! If she’s so keen to be with him I would be pretty sure he’s obliging and sleeping with her, regardless of what feelings he has towards her.

You need to go into this with your eyes wide open. If you want this baby regardless then all is fine, but you are still early enough in your pregnancy to have choices.

Run !

he chose to leave the relationship with his ex not the other way round.

She would have him back in a heartbeat

He says he's not in love with her anymore

@Georgia3092 how do you know any of these things? Because he told you?

Someone suggested earlier you have a convo with his ex - you might find it illuminating.

Whatever, this man isn't ready to commit to you and your child. Hard as it is, you need to move on.

He is obviously very confused but you need stability through your pregnancy either with him or alone. You have some quick decisions to make and they are yours to make as he clearly can't decide what he wants, the twit!

Thank you all for your advice.

His ex lives 3 hours from him so he goes down to where she lives on his days off to see his child and stays overnight. He was getting hotels last year but now refuses to because it's not the same as waking up to his son. He sleeps in the annex on the side of the house which he has sent me photos and videos from but it still makes me extremely uncomfortable especially with what hes told me about his feelings. Because of his job he works unpredictable days and hours and no week is ever the same he can't have a set routine of having his son at his house hence driving there on his days off & during his holidays to see him. But the sleeping there regardless of if its in the annex or not is still inappropriate in my opinion, he has the money for hotels that's not the issue either.

I just feel totally and utterly deflated. Hes said hes not willing to stop sleeping there even now that I'm pregnant.

He will leave you holding a baby and you will have complicated your future in a way you cannot even begin to imagine.

Take control while you still can.

Doesn’t sound like he had much experience of having a family unit if he left his ex when their baby was only 1 year old and quickly got with you. He’s treating you how he treated his ex.

You say his house so presumably you are not living together? Therefore he has made no commitment to you at all? Was the pregnancy planned?

Oh my goodness, are you absolutely sure he has split up with his ‘ex’? It all sounds so fishy to me, unpredictable shifts, constant staying over and now telling you he misses them rather than can’t wait to start a new life with you with your new baby and have a new family unit…

He started sleeping over at ex's even before you got pregnant?

It would make anyone feel extremely uncomfortable and yes it's completely inappropriate for him to do this, let alone keep doing it even after you told him how you felt.

I think he's not ready to move on and start a family with you. Does he plan to leave you alone with your child while still goes back to see his other child? It's great that he keeps that connection but if you continue this pregnancy prepare to be a single parent. Telling you about his 'sadness' almost makes you responsible for fixing it. If/when he goes back to the ex he'll be able to tell himself he was honest with you.

The current arrangement is unkind to his ex if she would like them to get back together and it will be confusing to his son.

Are you ready to be a single mother - and is this what you want?

How he going gto spend time with you and your child op if he's driving to his ex 3 hrs away on every day off. Surely for this too work he needs a workable stable plan that will benefit his blended family . It seems to be getting wants a double life 👀 I wouldnt be surprised if he already had one .

He tells you he misses his ex. He stays at her house. He is testing to see what you'll put up with. Please don't let him keep trying until he finally breaks you.

None of this magically started happening when you got pregnant. It has always been like this so why have you decided to have a baby by him? You weren’t happy before and you’re definitely not going to he happy now. Just more and more disappointed.

I would dump him. He's spoiling your trip, his grief hadn't lessened in a year and a half. How long is he going to keep complaining about his sadness? You need relationship counselling at the least.

I wouldn't advise someone to terminate as that's such a personal decision. OP hasn't even mentioned that.

So he is at least 3hrs away and you go into labour... what then?
realistically you'll be making your own way to the hospital then you'll be laboring alone. There will be no one to advocate for you and You'll be doing it alone for a while...because the midwives wont be sat holding your hand....

Then you have just given birth but its his day with his son... what then?

Then you have laboured for 48hrs and had an EMCS 5 days ago...you are bleeding the baby is colicky you are trying to breastfeed and concerned your scar is infected.... is he supporting and nourishing you (emotionally and physically) or.... is popping off for a free dinner and good nights sleep for a weekend because he "has to"....?

You really need to think hard about this now. Today.
Its incredibly unpleasant but its the reality you are facing.