How do couples fairly split household admin and childcare responsibilities?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

I am interested how people manage life and house admin.
We are married with a 20 month old toddler.

My husband works 5 days a week.
I work 3 days a week out of the home + 2 at home with our toddler.

This equates to us both working 5 days a week, but I would say me more.

Yet I do:

85% cleaning
85% arranging social things
95% of meal planning and food ordering
99% buying anything for our toddler
100% DIY
100% gardening
100% packing and unpacking when going away

I find I'm not coping.. I could work more if my husband did more of the above. When I say it should be 50/50, he always says... 'my business..' as if that's a reason to sacrifice me. I have been struggling with low mood. Forgetting things. I just can't get him to see that 'his business' is a choice and why should I be paying the price. I have been patient for over 2 years.

I would genuinely like to know how others manage and how you get through to your partner, that a relationship should be a partnership. Please tell me.

It sounds wild, but I had no idea so many women become house managers, life coordinators after getting married. I can't believe we are all enduring this.

Meanwhile, sometime ago he also said he thinks 'I have become unambitious.' I used to have a highly demanding job, but how can I do more, when also having to do this. When I say things need doing, my husband likes to say 'it's not a priority,' but indeed just because you ignore it, doesn't make it go away.

He has said we should get a cleaner, we do have, but they are not very good... so I need to find a new one (another job for me.)

He has also said our toddler should go to nursery an extra day, but why should we do this, just because he doesn't contribute fairly.

If he was a present and equal contributor, there wouldn't be an issue.

I dont know why have you become the house manager? Have you let it happen or are you married to an arse?

My DH and do things pretty evenly. Some things are 50/50 like childcare, some things I do 100% of like folding and putting away washing but he does 100% of the cooking. Its not written down but with other stuff each of us just does what needs doing and it works out pretty evenly. We both work full time. If I was at home for 2 days a week like you, I would expect to do slightly more around the home, you can do things while looking after a toddler.

Edited to say half of your problem is working at home with a toddler. I dont see how this is possible or that your employer is happy with this?!

To clarify:

I work 3 days paid out of the home (a job)
And I'm 2 days at home with a toddler, not working (I described it as working, because childcare is still work, even though not paid and something I love.)

I'm hoping people can have some empathy, understanding and actual advice.

My husband is not an arse, but he has no capacity for DIY and doesn't seem to be able to take care of a home.

I want to find a way to cope to do almost everything, which seems to be the only choice, as me asking to do 50/50 isn't working. I would honestly work more, but I can see I would then work full-time + everything else and I cannot cope. / Has anyone found a way to take care of everything at home, and not be stressed??

If my husband did 100% of the cooking that would be amazing.

I have asked him to do an online shop, but it wouldn't constitute proper meals.

What I find hard is I have to do this thinking. For instance: prepare the meals, but I could leave the ingredients and instruct him to cook. / Packing: I could leave a list and he could do some of it, but a lot would be missed out. / Going on holiday, this isn't something I do, or have to do, but I'm not joking he took a thick winter coat and forgot trunks and shorts (to a warm place) as he said he cannot think clearly as too much work. I don't know what to do to improve.

I have called in sick today, something I never do, as cannot cope and need to catch up with everything.

*Sorry for the typos.

I just do not know how to succeed and continue to grow myself, when I have to do so much more than for one person. And the hardest thing is, often when I clean things, he leaves it dirty again (almost never the same or better) so I am literally going in circles.

Please be helpful. I am not stupid, neither is he, I just don't know how to change the situation.

When I grew up my mum taught me the only thing a man needs to do is work. No household admin or childcare whatsoever. Not a great example I must say!

Why are you doing all the extra stuff when he’s at home? Is he just sitting around? Stop doing it.

Dh and I each have our jobs we like and are good at. I care about food, so I do all the meal planning, food shopping, cooking. But I also like going to bed early, so I don’t clean up. Dh does the nightly tidy of the kitchen and dishwasher. I have zero inclination to lawn maintenance or DIY, but Dh likes that stuff so he does the grass, maintenance stuff outside, fixing water leaks, painting, fencing, hedges, and the bins.

Dh always did bathtime, even when dc were babies (I didn’t even know how to give a baby a bath until Dh went away for the weekend when eldest was 3 months 😂) and I was feeding them so I did bedtime. I don’t work at the moment due to illness rather than choice, so I do 80% of the school runs, but we both do the running around to activities in the evenings and weekends. I do stuff when I’m free, but otherwise Dh has to do it. Don’t be so available.

I don’t wash Dh’s clothes (unless I need a couple things to throw in for a load). He’s a grown up who can wash his own clothes. I definitely don’t pack for him! Do other women actually do that?! 😂 Whoever is taking dc away does the packing. Dh took them camping last weekend and he did the packing. If you don’t martyr yourself and step back and point out that you aren’t doing something, trust me, eventually it will get done.

I work 25 hours a week (3 days) is a relatively stress free admin nhs role. Hubby is a company director and is full on busy most the time. Our boys are 18 and 13. He brings in 80% of our household income. I do 90% of them life admin/house work. Works for us as my 2 days off during the week is my free time and time to get these things done which frees up the weekend of nice things. What works for one doesn’t work for another. We share all money and don’t have a yours & mine. I’m free to spend what I want when I want even though he’s the main earner

Op if you work 3 days I’m sorry but you need to do a little more than him because you’re at home more than him. Saying that when he’s home he should be helping with washing and tidying and cooking if he’s home early enough, Saturday or Sunday the ideal situation (doesn’t happen here as I work weekends!) is you all spend a few hours cleaning together, bathrooms, tidying and mopping.

SAHM so it’s not going to be a 50/50 split.
I do 90% of the laundry, the organising and the light day to day cleaning, keeping on top of the garden, the deep cleaning of bathrooms etc, the food shopping and 90% of the cooking.
He does the kids bath, teeth and gets them ready for bed every night, does the dishes every evening, cleans the kitchen, deals with the mess the kids always leave on/under/ near the table and does a once over of the playroom and living room so it’s all nice when I come down from my bath. He also does half the night wakings.

I’ve never resented him for how much he does, it feels like we’re both making the effort to pull our weight.

Ps you also need to remember you will not have everything done to the standard you had pre kids, it’s honestly not possible and will drive you mad as you say re tidying or re cleaning. Big tidy with your toddler at the end of the day. Play and being able to breathe is more important x

Thank you for the examples, these are really helpful.

The difficulty for me is I literally never stop. Weekends sometimes DIY (can't get it all done.. many broken things.) In the evening if I am tired I never stop, I will be cleaning until 10 or 11pm if needed. If he is tired my husband watches TV in the evening.

Honestly, if I worked 5 days a week and someone did almost everything else, it would be so much easier. This is what I can't communicate or get help with.

What was he like before you had your child? Did he cook, clean, plan etc? Did it change when you were on mat leave?

Buy, why?

I just can’t imagine a scenario where I was running around doing something at 11pm and my husband was sat on his arse letting me.

Firstly, I have 2 young kids and I know it can be a lot but there’s just no need to be up cleaning until 10/11pm most nights.
If the house is a state why do you both think it’s only your responsibility?

If things have been slack after a busy few days I will say to DH ‘it’s getting a bit grim in here we really need to do a big hoover of the downstairs once the kids are in bed’ and it’s not expected that it’s my sole responsibility.

This sounds great... thank you for sharing I really appreciate it.

You said 'I care about food, so I do all the meal planning, food shopping, cooking.' I do that.

'Dh does the nightly tidy of the kitchen and dishwasher.' I usually do most of that too, or if he does it, I need to finish. Never done fully.

'I have zero inclination to lawn maintenance or DIY, but Dh likes that stuff so he does the grass, maintenance stuff outside, fixing water leaks, painting, fencing, hedges, and the bins.' Unfortunately I have to do all that too, as he says he isn't good at DIY. Sometimes he helps with the bins though, but I do almost all the rest of it.

'Dh always did bathtime, even when dc were babies (I didn’t even know how to give a baby a bath until Dh went away for the weekend when eldest was 3 months 😂) and I was feeding them so I did bedtime.' My husband does do some bathtimes.

I' don’t work at the moment due to illness rather than choice, so I do 80% of the school runs, but we both do the running around to activities in the evenings and weekends.' Nursery runs are impossible to predict as he has been away 2-4 days midweek for work for quite a while.. some 5 days coming up again.

I don’t wash Dh’s clothes (unless I need a couple things to throw in for a load). He’s a grown up who can wash his own clothes. I definitely don’t pack for him! Do other women actually do that?! 😂 To his credit I generally don't wash his clothes, but I do sometimes hang them up, he sometimes hangs mine up (badly so they don't dry.) I generally wash all toddler clothes.

Whoever is taking dc away does the packing. Dh took them camping last weekend and he did the packing. Packing lists - things are always missed off.

He has started to admit he may have ADHD. He says he eyesight is really bad too and that's why he can't see to clean properly.

I am trying to not be resentful and put some processes in place to help us...... I hardly have time for it though.......

2 days a week you are at home when he isn’t so picking up more tasks is fair but not everything. Having a cleaner is more than many people have too.

when I worked pt with my dc I did pretty much what you do minus the diy and gardening but I handled 100% of food related matters, all the finances, admin etc so much so that when my marriage broke down I had to explain how to do these things to my ex, he had zero idea, he apologised later on for being a crap dh

What is hard is that when I bring it up, he gets upset saying he'll stop the business and obviously that isn't an option. I just want to be collaborators, more equal. I went to the doctor recently for a cough and ended up crying in general.. she referred me to the mental health nurse. But then I went and forgot the appointment because I'm so busy. / People are congratulating him on the business, but honestly, I think I am paying the price. I am trying to change it. But how and I just can't believe so many women are possibly experiencing this.

I found myself on the train recently looking at men.. thinking: if you have a female partner at home they are probably picking up the slack for you. It makes me so angry and disappointed. How to sort this out!!

He needs a discreet job to own and he needs to learn how to do it and you need to never think about it again. Let him choose from options such as
The laundry management from laundry bin right back to wardrobe (ironed and clean) and shoe cleaning and tidying plus buying shoes as required for your child.
And another good one is bath time and half
of story/bedtimes.
Other good options are dentist and haircuts with associated booking and remembering!
Food shopping goes with meal planning fridge management and ideally cooking.
Gardening and outdoor job require a bit of learning and some tools.
you tube can teach him what he needs to know.

out of interest what is his working day/ weekend looking like?

I think if I handled everything apart from the DIY I could cope, but honestly, it's almost everything. I also need to plan out finances as it's out of control, but I don't have time to catch up with what he is doing.

There is alot to unpick here but he 'can't see to clean properly' absolutely takes the biscuit

If his eyesight is that bad it would be impacting his ability to run his business surely
And what is he doing about his eyesight?

Why are you cleaning until 10 or 11 pm? Nothing is that dirty or untidy that that is necessary.

Maybe you need to lower your expectations? We have a cleaner who does a proper clean every two weeks, then in the intervening time we roughly stay on top of things, quick wipe of toilets every couple days, sweep floor if it looks messy. Not hours of cleaning! Just have to accept with busy lives and kids (we have 3!) things don’t need to be perfect.

In my honest opinion, it's not about how you divide the individual tasks; it's about having the mutual care and respect for one anther's time, happiness, and general enjoyment of life that enables my DH and I to pretty equally split the practical and mental tasks of family life without needing to create lists or have tit for tat. We see something that needs done, and we either do it or we communicate (ie for a bigger task) about where it sits in our priorities and when and how we might tackle it).

This is a great idea, thank you... because of course haircuts (inc. booking) are me too. We haven't been to the dentist yet with toddler, but that he could do.

I recently asked him to take our toddler for a blood test, as honestly we had to do it so many times and I couldn't face it again. I felt bad insisting, but apparently it went much more smoothly than it usually does for me, so worth it!!

The important bit is owning from start to finish - so I don't need to think about again. I need to list all the jobs, but so little time, before more to do.

Jesus Christ. I’d sit him down and say I’m going to have a breakdown. Here’s what changes- Sunday night you cook dinner with food you’ve shopped for and if it’s shit I will say so because if I live with a non handicapped adult I deserve one night off cooking a meal AND a decent meal, and if it’s takeaway you can just pack your things and leave right now. Also, you clean up after dinner 2 nights a week, and I will tell you if it’s cleaned up, we are going to cleaning school where you learn about to be a capable adult, and if you turn the rv on before I say it’s clean I will get rid of the tv , ill sell it, pay for a handyman and tell everyone my dh watched tv every evening while I worked so I sold it to pay for a handyman to put a dent in his share of our life. The only reason I may not be entirely serious is because I have a burning desire to just chuck an axe through the tv when you’re sitting on your bum while I clock 10000 steps tidying the home you live in and running out life. Two final
rulws- you don’t get to say ‘but my business’ or you get to find out what impact your divorce has on your business, and not one fucking word about your eyes. You’re an adult, half the work wears glasses, you live in a first world country, if you have issue with your sight then the only reason you aren’t doing something about it is because it’s one of your many many excuses for being an awful pathetic excuse for a partner.

I just can’t with these men.

I'm serious that he says he can't see... he's a good person, but I can see this is not good for me... I feel so unrested. He says he has to be 7cm away from a surface to really see it. This also explains why he is often about to take our toddler with a dirty face. The toddler cries he gets that close. He has been to the optician and he needs bifocals, but decided not to get them.

His hearing is also not good and he has agreed to get it checked as I can't stand repeating things anymore.