Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

The swimming pool was an example that there are things one parent of 3 categorically cannot do. I’m not saying there will be one at the festival, that would be unusual. 6 year old will have to go everywhere with her, 8 year old nearly everywhere given the number of people at a festival. I now have an 11,8 and 4 year old so am in a very similar boat, it would be a miserable marathon of a weekend and I wouldn’t even consider it.

It wouldn’t be divorce over this one event though would it? Any decent husband and father would 1. Check first before booking a holiday in the first place and 2. In the event of discovering a clash with a long standing family weekend away would apologise and immediately cancel his place on the lads trip with no drama. Not doing either of these things would be a strong indication that the man is NOT a decent husband and father, but is in fact a selfish fucker. Very good reason for divorce in my opinion, but I’m aware that many on mumsnet have very low standards.

I somehow doubt that this is the only example of selfish fuckwittery that the OP’s husband has ever exhibited.

Too many people are lenient over the 'messing up' of double booking, but tbh no parents should be committing to anything (non emergency) that requires the other parent to pick up their slack without asking first.
It's rude AF to agree to a trip that requires one partner to do all the other partner's childcare without so much as a conversation first!
I'd he raging that I was being completely taken for granted, even before we get into him letting form his family and the other couple because he's had a 'better' offer!

This. Even if he is forgetful he is just assuming she will pick up the slack.

Not wanting to take 3 children to a festival on your own is hardly the same as never leaving the house. Plus most single parents I know make certain arrangements when they want to take their kids on holiday - such as bringing along some grandparents or arranging to meet other solo parents and sharing the parenting duties. Overnight camping at a festival is not the same as just popping for the day. While I’m sure it’s perfectly possible for the OP to survive taking 3 kids on her own, it will be a very different, less enjoyable experience for her and it’s not what she signed up for.

It is generally most blokes tbf.

Totally agree.

Ok so the first bit, my DH would do. He's terrible for just agreeing to stuff, but tbh it's massively because he was abused as a kid and he is such a people pleaser. The idea of him telling someone no or making sure plans are actually convenient for him before agreeing is just not there. He agrees on instinct, because that's what he was taught to do. So if a bunch of blokes all agreed a date it wouldn't even occur to him to check if it worked for him, he would just agree. He would then feel incredibly uncomfortable and avoidant at having to send them a message asking if it was possible to move it or cancel his part.

But here's the difference. He would be incredibly apologetic, he would absolutely prioritise the kids thing. He would probably plan to go for a few days and fly back early to keep everyone happy, although I'd still be annoyed that I'd have to pack everything myself while he was on holiday. But he's a good bloke and he owns his shit.

Your bloke has not apologised. Has blamed you. Quite frankly, has clearly hidden it because he knew damn well they were the same weekend but he wants to go with the lads. He is sulking and blaming you because you will just decide it's easier to let him go than keep arguing about it.

I would not be thrilled about going alone to a festival with kids and another couple. It's really really shitty behaviour to do that to you.

Is there a friend or family member you can take with you for a free holiday if he does let you all down?

And if he does let you all down I'd be utterly done with him. I wouldn't do jack shit for him ever again. Not everyone can afford divorce. But you can swap your double bed for single beds, Facebook market place while he's on his holiday. And you can just get on with life and leave him to think only of himself and you start prioritising yourself abit.

You say he's forgetful OP but I bet he doesn't forget lads holidays or nights out - just family stuff.

I think it was clear I don’t think it’s fine.
However you can’t control other people’s behaviour and when you try, it outsources responsibility from them, to you. You become the controller of all things, organising everything , and they get to swan around claiming they are hard done to.

I prefer to point out to someone their behaviour is shitty and what the consequences will be, then let them cop the results. And yes of course I protect the dc as best I can.

Actually very legit point. I was looking from the perspective that the trip is agreed but the dates were in the air. But actually it does read more that, while this is a regular trip, it hasn't actually been agreed at all this year, just assumed.

No, it's not. Maybe review your own taste.

Absolutely - I didn't say anywhere that it was what she signed up for. Nor did I say taking 3 children to a festival was the only alternative to staying home. I was replying to someone who said she couldn't do it and I must be a better parent than her - I was making the point that when you're on your own, you just have to do things OR you'd be home all the time.

As I've said (now twice), I was replying to the person saying that it wasn't possible to do it with three children on your own. It is. Whether it's something they'd enjoy depends on the type of person they are, I get that it's subjective. But we aren't talking about babies here, the eldest will either be at the end of year 6 or 7. No reason it couldn't be fun still, even if it's not what OP had initially thought was the plan.

Again, as I initially said, her husband was wrong for not checking dates (who in a marriage books a trip abroad without running it past the other person) but the options now are make him cancel (he clearly doesn't want to so it would be forced even if its the right thing to do) or take the kids by yourself, have a bit of independence and realise you can manage things alone, or he goes on his holiday and OP stays home. No other options really.

Not a single bit of me would care about going alone with 3 kids of that age, nor would I want to spend the time with someone who clearly hadn't wanted to be there.

The OP was asking for opinions, that's mine. Might be different to yours, or hers, but it's equally valid.

No you don't have to be OK with it, but it does have to be his decision.

Yes but the whole point is she isn’t a lone parent she doesn’t have to do this on her own and just get on with it, she has a partner and they booked it together to enjoy together, it doesn’t need to be an endurance test.

I’m noticing this more and more! It’s particularly bad if a OP posts late at night too.

What he may prefer between kids at the festival or lads long weekend is neither here nor there now. The time to say "I don't want to go to the festival" was before that was booked, not when he has what he considers to be a better offer.

I'd let him know I wasn't taking three children to the festival on my own (friends being there is irrelevant, they have their own to take care of and are not substitute parents to yours because your husband is stupid and selfish) and he can explain to the kids why they're not now going.

To the cool wife on the thread. In what way is a birthday party equivalent to taking three children to a festival? Bet your husband thought he'd won the lottery when you think his forgetfulness is your time to shine and get cool wife points instead of taking him to task over his lack of parenting. JFC.

Agreed. I'm with you YANBU. Your DH has been a thoughtless idiot - that's not an excuse. He's a thoughtless idiot. And then he got defensive cos he knew he'd been one. DARVO etc. yuk

Well just go and enjoy it without him, your kids will appreciate you not being grumpy about it etc. x

You're not being unreasonable at all. The issue isn't the lads' holiday — it's that he booked it without running the dates past you, which is exactly what you said you'd always do for him. That's a basic courtesy in a partnership, especially when you have shared family commitments already paid for and planned.
A few things stand out:
The "you never want me to go away" deflection is a red flag in the argument. You're not objecting to the holiday — you're objecting to this specific clash — and he's reframed it to make you the unreasonable one. That's frustrating because it avoids the actual issue entirely.
The forgetfulness is understandable to a point, but this has been booked for weeks and he's only just mentioned it. Even if he forgot the festival, someone in the group must have discussed dates before booking flights and accommodation. It's not like it happened overnight.
What's reasonable to ask: Coming back Friday night or Saturday morning so he can still make most of the festival seems like a genuine compromise. He still gets his lads' trip, your daughter still has her dad at her birthday weekend. It's not asking him to cancel entirely.
The silence probably isn't helping move things forward at this point. When you do talk, it might be worth focusing less on how it happened and more on what the solution is — because what your 8-year-old remembers about her birthday weekend matters more than winning the argument.
What does he say when you suggest the early return compromise?

Are you sure he forgot?
Sounds more like he booked it knowing the clash so avoided mentioning the dates at first.

OP I strongly suspect that he did not forget about the festival or forgot to run the dates past you. He knew what he was doing. He would rather go to the lads weekend than the festival.

The fact that he turned this on to you is horrible. I suspect he will go on the lads holiday (claiming that it is non-refundable). At best if he comes home early I suspect he will be sulking and spoil the festival for everyone and blame you for that too.

My partner has shit executive function and this is exactly the type of thing he’d do. However as soon as he realised he would want/ try to move the lads trip.

Most women must settle then.

I dont think its terrible he made a mistake. Albeit one he would have avoided by checking the calendar or speaking to you.

Now he has to decide what to do, bearing in mind what he committed to first. And if hes not coming - he best be explaining to his DD who wont like it.

I dont think its reasonable if he picks the lads but I dont think you can stop him if he does. Shitty thought that is

I dont think its terrible he made a mistake. Albeit one he would have avoided by checking the calendar or speaking to you.

Now he has to decide what to do, bearing in mind what he committed to first. And if hes not coming - he best be explaining to his DD who wont like it.

I dont think its reasonable if he picks the lads but I dont think you can stop him if he does. Shitty thought that is