Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

YANBU. He booked the family weekend first, so that should come first. I get it, you wouldn't have booked a festival weekend on your own with 3 kids.

He is an absolute dick to turn it back on you saying that you never want him to go on those trips. His instant response should have been that he couldn't go on the boys trip.

He needs to admit his error and tell the boys that he has stupidly double booked and can't go that weekend . Maybe they can change it?

And none of these men need a PA at work-they all manage their time and work tasks without being “forgetful “. It’s always when it comes to home that the mental load falls on women, every time.

My husband might do something like this by accident but he would 100% cancel the lads trip and join our daughters weekend.

I'd be raging in your shoes

My husband doesn't. His sister on the other hand 🤷🏼‍♀️ this is very much something that she would do. She lives 150km away from her kids and she does what she wants. Her ex-husband puts his kids first.

Stop pretending that all men are like this.

Sorry I can't really relate to this, both a betting club and an annual lads holiday do not fit with family life, from my perspective.
Do you have a group of friends you go on holiday with leaving DH with the kids every year OP? If not I think you need to rethink this and have a serious talk with DH.

I agree with this. If it were a genuine mistake, he would be mortified and apologetic. I think that he knew there was a clash and still wanted to go on the lads' holiday, thinking that he could feign ignorance that it clashed with the dates of his daughter's birthday treat.

OP hasn't accepted this and isn't reassuring him that he hasn't done anything wrong and that she will be fine doing the trip to Edinburgh on her own with three children. This has made him angry and defensive so he is lashing out.

What a pathetic excuse of a Father.

My husband wouldn’t be going and there wouldn’t be any further discussion on the matter. It’s his fuck up.

The bar is in hell.

This is absolutely unacceptable and I think he's done it on purpose, because if ti was a genuine accident why wouldn't he try to fix it as much as possible?

I can't believe the ridiculous advice you're getting from other posters- talk about internalised misogny!

My DH and I have a shared family calendar, and he still double checks dates for any social events with me. Once he booked a lunch with his brother on the same day and time that I had a hair appointment (and needed him to look after the baby) but he apologised immediately and changed his plans without me even asking him to

I would be super unimpressed with this behaviour - surely once he realised his mistake, he should rectify it. It isn't even about whether he would prefer a lads weekend to a family one (although I would judge him a little for choosing the former) but the fact that he agreed to something - and you relied on it - and then planned something else instead for himself. He needs to grow up and learn to keep his commitments!

The festival is right next door to Edinburgh airport. If my husband made this mistake I’d be expecting him to catch a direct flight to join us there no more than half a day or so later. I wouldn’t love packing and travelling myself but I’d be willing to accept it graciously if he was apologetic.

He will have to cancel on lads holiday. Simple as. If roles were reversed and you’d forgotten a family weekend and booked a girls holidays would he be expected to go with the children alone to the festival? I doubt it.

We all mess up but he should have instantly cancelled the lads holiday when he realised.

Hopefully you’ve got some sleep and had time to calm down, because what I’m going to suggest is going to need you sweet calm and a loving wife.

look him in the eye and tell him that you understand he forgot (forgot my arse but that’s what we’re going with) and that he has got himself in a “bit of a pickle” (grit your teeth at this point ) then point out that he needs to make a decision- 1 he tells his friends and they re book, 2 he comes home early or 3 he skips the birthday weekend and explains to his daughter why. Be nice actually maybe switch 3 and 2 around, tell him you need a answer by tomorrow so you can make your plans.

i know what I would be doing if he chooses to go on the lads do and miss the birthday, but be calm and organised about it, do not give him the opportunity to turn this on you, you are reasonably and calm all the way through.

my mother would say - dignity at all times, and that’s what this calls for. Just be prepared to go to the festival without him and to give your daughter a wonderful birthday, then have your plans ready for how you want to proceed. For me this would be the end

We have a joint Gmail that we use as a joint calendar if that might help x

He doesn’t ‘forget’ because they don’t have a joint calendar. I doubt he’d look at it anyway.

1- why don't you share the calendar events with him so he can see it on his phone?
2- do you go away for 5 days at a time leaving him with the kids? If not, why?

All men are NOT like this, I wouldn't go away with the lads while I'd already arranged something with my daughter in a million years.

Don't pressure him, let him make the decision himself - if he prioritises time away with the lads over his own daughter he is (sorry but) a piece of shit.

I'm guessing you have a shared family calendar?
Even if not, the minute he realised, he should have cancelled/rebooked.
He ought not to go. Don't be "nice" or passive about this, you've booked a special family event and he should be there.

She's not annoyed he didn't tell her sooner - she's annoyed that he agreed to (and he booked the accommodation for) this family weekend away and then subsequently agreed to go on a lads' trip that clashes with it, without even running the dates by her.

He knew perfectly well it clashed. He decided to prioritise his lads' weekend over a commitment he'd already made.

I'm a strong believer you stick to commitments - even if you subsequently get a better offer.

Why do so any women marry blokes who are unwilling to grow up? Then have children with them?

None of my friends have husbands and partners that prioritise ‘lads nights out’.

Surely that’s something you only do when you’re young, free and single? Then you grow up and prioritise the important people in your life = FAMILY.

Absolutely this.

I cannot believe there are so many women on here trying to excuse and appease the unreasonable actions of this man.

OP is saying he can go but just to come back early - the extra money spent on flights will be his 'stupid tax.'

I go on an 'annual' trip with 9 friends, we've been doing it for about 12 years but guess what.......... not everyone can make it every year as they have other commitments. It's no big deal, they will come another year.

Plus, you can bet your life they've all been talking about it, and the girl is excited. He thinks he can have a lads holiday and ditch the stressful family one.

Post from OP
"Just the same as if I was booking a girls holiday (which I have in September)"

Oh, and don't be a "cool wife". As pp have said - that bar is in hell.