How can we help a lonely Year 7 girl build friendships?

[OneShyQuail]

Apologies if in the wrong thread, admin please move if needed.

It is regarding friendships for young people.

I am a teacher and am trying to help/advise a girl in Year 7 - she is 12 (13 in October)

She is a lovely girl, great manners, works hard, achieves well academically and helps her peers, and her hobby is acting (goes to a class on a saturday) She isnt sporty at all.
This is how I perceive her at school.
She however is really lacking good friends. She isnt picked on, and has some friends in class, but they are already paired up or in small groups so whilst they will talk to her to pass the time of day or work with her in class, at lunch she is usually alone. Bless her she will try and speak to girls (and boys to be fair) some are polite, others ignore or are very sassy.

She has taken a part in the school play so coming in at lunch times to practice lines and she has been talking to me about her sadness and loneliness. She has a phone (with just WhatsApp on) and has some friends on there but says they only message if she messages and no one invites her to do anything. If she asks to meet up (as she says her parents are happy to give her lifts to places or have people over) they say they are busy or another excuse.

She has had chats with her mum, who has also noticed socially she is lonely and she says her mum is supportive and trying to help too.

I really feel for her, its like shes out of place, has anyone else experienced this with their children? Or if you work in a school with students there? If so, what helped? Any advice? Any tips, things I could suggest?

She says the few close friends she had at primary school arent close anymore (they were all split up when they moved up) as it was a very small village school and where they have made new friends she hasnt.

Thanks all

Thank you for the reply. I will put it to her those words, what a great idea! I know she feels like everyone already has their cliques, but like you say there must be some feeling the same - its a 6 class/form intake so quite a few young people in Y7.

Interesting perspective given from your DD in Y9. What does she mean by rules about who you can hang with outside of school/friends in school but not outside of it - is it basically that whilst they are "ok" in school they arent "cool" enough to socialise with out of school?

She is currently doing the school play now, and yes gets on well with other pupils in there but it does seem she is stuck in a rut of being a "school friend" but having no one close or outside if school. She flits between a few established groups who will speak to her, but nothing substantial

Whilst I appreciate your intentions OP, I think I'd be slightly put out if my child's teacher was arranging for her to meeting a stranger from the internet. Please make sure you clear anything with her parents first!

I think the rules are about who is in your main friendship group. There are 5 of them in DDs circle but they are also friends with other groups, and she has friends from outside of that, one of whom she hangs out with regularly 1:1 but she would never invite the 1:1 girl (who does also have other friends) along to an event she was going to with her main gang. I find it complicated and baffling.

We all went to the same event at the weekend: me and DH with a random assortment of anyone we knew who wanted to go, her with her main friendship group who then formed a bigger group with others. I saw loads of her mates from outside school and asked if she'd hung out with them at all and she looked at me like I was unhinged and re-explained that she was with her usual gang.

Socialising at 51 is much more free and easy than at 14. We all had a great time in our own ways. I don't think it is so much about being seen with the 'cool kids' but more about very well defined levels of friendship. I am not sure how you upgrade more passing friendships in her world although there has been a lot of shuffling around in the last 3 years.

I think if it was me, I would round up my own gang of misfits like a previous poster suggested but it is much easier to make such overtures to new friends in your fifties than in your early teens.

I wasnt going to message about that 🤦‍♀️ my goodness thats a hell of a jump and inference from what ive been asking, I wouldnt do anything of the sorts... but thank you for the input

Thank you for the detailed response I appreciate it.

I also appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. I will see said child tomorrow at the lunch drama club and will give her a few more tips, let her know theres nothing wrong with her and that others have experienced similar. Sometimes it helps just to know you are not alone.

You've literally said to two posters "they could meet up" and asked what area of the country they're in.

I meant IF they were in the same area they could meet up as in cross paths....i didn't mean actually arranging to meet.....i have gone back over my responses as I was worried and I agree I haven't worded it very well at all so thank you for raising that.
To clarify, I would not suggest anything of the sort, but back in the good old days pen pals used to exist its a shame that is no longer a thing.

I will also add that some young people think nothing of going to meet random strangers online, the latest one we dealt with was to get vapes....from literal strangers....the joys of SnapChat 🙄 social media ban cant come soon enough imo (thats another topic though)

I wish she was at my DD’s girls school! There are nearly 300 girls per year and dra and netball are the two things that seem to be the most sociable!

It is an odd situation as generally I think teens are kinder and more accepting of difference than when I was growing up.

I would make sure next year’s class tutor and head of year are aware. She could easily lose heart if this goes on if or too long. Poor girl I really feel for her

Thank you, I agree with making sure relevant staff are aware. This is a very sporty school, whereas sadly the drama is only for the end of year play x

I was thinking that others have suggested a meet up. More if they were local etc.
But pen friend etc are a way

Sorry wasn’t thinking that

If there are other children who are very lonely at lunch and break times could the school set up a room they can use? Maybe provide board games and use the library if a staff member agrees to support it and you can get funding? Children with a special "pass" can use it?

Some schools have a "friendship group" club where children who are identified as struggling have a meeting chaired by the SEN or safe guarding lead and do exercises encouraging them to get to know each other and meet up in breaks.

Some primary schools have "pupil ambassadors" years who are "trained" and volunteer to take on shifts and befriend any lonely child who goes to the "friendship stop" - perhaps a version for secondary could be set up?

Could her tutor identify any children she gets on with and make a seating plan so she sits with them in registration and tutorial times?

I often think that the break times and lunch times are the most stressful and worst for some children being on their own hanging around and feeling people are looking at them and shunning them. it further damages their confidence and feelings of being "other"

Some fantastic suggestions here, thank you so much 😊

Just to say thank you to all the lovely responses - said young person is going to speak to her mum and try a few things that can be done at home level....I found an after school club she is going to try from next week and I have spoken with her form tutor regarding this, to see if other suggestions can be put in place. I think most importantly, she feels seen and heard when she voiced how she was feeling, and has had the reinforcement that there is nothing at all wrong with her, it just takes some people longer to find their tribe.

In other news she had smashed her part for the school play - one week in and she knows all her lines (and there is a lot!) And she saw me this morning passing in the corridor and told me that she has a partner for the school trip/coach today and was beaming.

Thanks again all :)

That sounds really positive!!

The school and students are very lucky to have such a caring and supportive teacher. X

I have an 11 year old at high school so I know its hard for them sometimes. I don't know if your high school has a facebook parents group. Maybe mum can post on there explaining everything and asking if anyone wants to meet up?

We are primary so might be a bit different. However, when we have this situation we make sure all specialists/ teachers know the situation and try to help - in our school it’s on briefing notes, but you might use round robins etc. I’d ask teachers to be really mindful of how she feels, ask them to be thoughtful when pairing/grouping children- you might have an idea who she could get to know or they could just try her out with different children, make sure they have some opportunities to chat/get to know each other etc. this will also be relevant for trip groups etc rather than just seeing her as someone who can go with anyone/fit in to make up a group number.