Feeling invisible and irrelevant 😔

[FamilyDysfunctions]

If anyone replies to this, please bear in mind I'm at a very low ebb.

I am in my early 50s. When I was in my late teens I met a woman (similar age) I became really close friends with. We were friends through our 20s but then life got in the way, we both moved areas and lost touch.

We've recently become reacquainted and it's clear that our friendship is as good as it ever was - which is lovely and the friendship is very important to both of us. This post refers to her but only really as a reference point. It's not about her.

When we were younger, we were very similar in many ways (we still are!) but she was always more confident and has a stronger personality than me and I always felt I existed in her shadow rather than being relevant in my own right.

I've always struggled with life really mainly due to a very dysfunctional upbringing and, whilst my parents are no longer in my life, I've never really escaped the feeling of not being good enough and it's a feeling that has been consistently reinforced throughout my life at work, in friendships (or lack of them) and relationships. It's continued to affect my confidence and sense of self hugely.

I'm educated and in a professional career but working well below my potential; I was a single parent for most of my adult life and I have very few friends. I suppose I just feel I've always existed in the shadows and, whenever I've tried to step out into the light, it's never really worked and there's always been someone ready to criticise so the shadows have always felt safer.

I have a partner of 5 years. When we met, we met through a hobby and it was one of the things that he said he found attractive about me. However, he made a couple of comments that left me feeling that I wasn't good enough and I stopped doing it. I feel like the only thing he found attractive about me has now gone. Maybe I was wrong about him finding it attractive in the first place? I've had similar messages from previous boyfriends and strangers - comments were mainly around my appearance/visuals rather than competency. I don't do it at all anymore. I wasn't strong enough to ignore the constant scrutiny and being criticised. My friend and I shared this hobby.

My friend now works and is successful in the same field as our shared hobby. My partner obviously admires her for her achievements and understandably so (I'm also very proud of her). But he's also said a couple of things that make me feel that even he sees her as 'better' than me. It's hard to hear him admire and be impressed by someone when I wasn't good enough.

But she is also associated with a time in my life that was very hard and having her in my life again is bringing up all the feelings I had about myself at the time that have never really.gone away.

I just hoped that if I worked hard, worked on myself, forged out a quiet life and raised my children well, I'd be able to leave some of the shit behind but I haven't. It's always there. There's always someone telling me I'm not quite good enough.

We went away a few weekends ago and she was complimented all weekend by strangers - men and women (no joke! 😁) and I was just back to existing in the shadows. I was invisible just as I've always been.

This isn't about her. I love her and I'm so proud of her. But it has highlighted to me just how little value and worth I have. And how little I matter to anyone. There's no one in my life (probably other than her) who sees me or has ever truly 'seen' me.

Unfortunately, this has coincided with issues at work where I'm being pushed out because my face no longer fits (no concerns whatsoever about my practice or conduct at work and I've passed PM with flying colours every year but its not enough) and feeling irrelevant in my relationship generally.

Its a bit of a jumble because its a whole life issue and not one problem. I don't have a question. I just feel completely unremarkable and irrelevant. I've become very small. I'm not really worth anything to anyone.

And I don't have the confidence to change it.

But have you tried to be strong, as I’m not seeing that, you seem very sensitive to constructive criticism, you complain about your situation and I can see why someone would say well why don’t you try this, and you them take issue wit this.

you don’t see the compliments this lady gets as about her, you make it all about you, and use it as a spring board to complain. I don’t see you making yourself small, I see a level of seeking attention because you haven’t achieved what you’d like, likely envy behind it.

I think some therapy would be in order here OP as it seems you really lack confidence and it’s affecting your interpersonal relationships.
People may compliment your friend because of how she dresses and carries herself, if she is confident, it’s not because she is inherently better than you.
I sometimes wear slightly quirky dresses on nights out and will get a lot of compliments but I’m not particularly a looker, it’s more the dress being a bit different that gets the attention.

Hello OP. I can relate to what you are saying.

BUT.

Are you really going to see out your days like this? Really? Thinking this way?

I too have things about myself that are not perfect and are sometimes hard to accept. But what am I going to do, stay at home for the rest of my life? Wasting happiness and joy?

My old work colleague has just died, within two weeks of diagnosis and he will never get to go shopping or to the seaside or for a country walk ever again, not on this planet anyway. Yes there are things about each of us that aren't perfect but we don't lie, we don't steal, we don't hurt other people do we? We are not bad people.

In your shoes, to be fair I would have a word with my partner if he EVER said anything like this to me again. I would shut down conversations about 'You'd be better if you -.'

I would also - and this is very important - change how I speak about myself. I feel shit when I say bad things about myself. And I look shit to others.

Your way of talking about yourself is not only difficult to read (and I don't care if you think the things are true), it is self-fulfilling I expect, because you are not dead yet and you can TRY to be better in your weaker areas. You can stop saying 'this is the end of the line, this is how it is and shall be forever more.'

I don't buy that. And I don't like the effect it has on your life. Fuck being small. It sounds shit. Stop saying it and stop being it.

At our age it is time to come out from the stones we have been under. I bet you don't feel good. So come out and decide to stop saying 'I am small, it is safer' and take a few chances.

Re your friend, I would reduce face to face contact and do it on the phone for a bit, and meanwhile I would start a Pinterest page and collect pictures of ladies whose style you like, and then start to ditch really rubbish clothes and get hold of better clothes, one by one, through Vinted and the like.

You are not a bad person. You do not need to be a superstar to enjoy this wonderful life. x You are good enough as you are. You are simply self sabotaging and wondering why it is working......but in our 50s, we have got to take the reins and drive....

The thing I'd, I'm not without the capacity for self reflection and I have asked myself this countless times.

There are some things where I've been able to see I'm just being a bit sensitive but I've not mentioned those. I probably couldn't even think of examples but, yeah, similar to your cooking one.

The comments I'm thinking of aren't this. They're criticisms dressed up as unsolicited advice, helpful suggestions and light hearted observations.

If she's as good a friend as you say she is, can you talk to her about it and ask her how she sees you? May not be at all like how you see yourself. This reads like you're well over-sensitive to the issue and overthinking it. It reminds me of how when something big happens in your life: death, cancer, pregnancy - all you can suddenly see on TV, billboards, everywhere, is death, cancer, pregnancy. You're educated and professional. You're already winning. I could just say comparison is the thief of joy but sounds like you need a whole attitude shift, mind adjustment rather than a well-known saying. Distract yourself with other things, hobbies, interests, reading, anything. If necessary keep your fabulous friend (and partner) at a distance and look for validation elsewhere. Take yourself off for a week with no fabulous friend (who sounds dull) or partner contact and see how you get on.

The comments I'm thinking of aren't this. They're criticisms dressed up as unsolicited advice, helpful suggestions and light hearted observations.

OK, but even in the above cases, this can be perfectly normal.

DP hates parallel parking. Which is daft, because when she thinks noones watching her, she's fine at it. But the moment there's someone in the car with her, or watching her, she gets flustered and stressed about it and is far more likely to cock it up and need multiple attempts. The best thing for me to do if she's parallel parking is to get out first and go in the house, or if we're elsewhere, sit completely silently and not make eye contact.

It took me far too long to work this out though. I tried the helpful suggestions, the unsolicited advice. I tried the lighthearted observations! Nope, the only possible thing to do is to pretend I'm not there and that the situation isn't occurring. And god forbid I make any kind of facial expression of any kind!

People criticize each other, they criticize their friends, relatives, the people they love. And when they do it, it's usually not done to hurt them, or to judge them. It's just a normal part of human interaction, and it's usually done with love.

I'm not trying to pick you apart here, but you've said you feel like absolutely everyone criticizes you, frequently. That means one of two things is true.

Either it's really happening, and there's something unique about you that makes everyone constantly want to just bring you down.

Or it's the other option, and you're getting a normal amount of criticism, but having an outsized reaction to it because the people who should have loved you and supported you at a fundamental age did the opposite.

The second option is far more likely to be the truthful one here. But nothings going to improve until you can see that for yourself. Which brings me back to therapy. No, it's not worked thus far, but that doesn't mean it can't.

I am a few years older than you so I’m going to remain kind but hopefully my words will help a little.
I have had a lot of therapy and some of it helped. From the sound of your story, all roads lead back to your childhood. A pattern was set there which you just can’t unpick. Your brain became wired to it for survival and no amount of advice or compliments will change that pattern.
A singular comment from a partner possibly about your appearance has deeply affected you. For someone without your childhood, it may have upset them but they certainly would not have given up a hobby they love.
Does he have other criticisms of you because you have a very set opinion that he has none of his exes? That sets off your unfairness pattern.
You are very deferential about your friend and it’s great you have a bond. However, you seem genuinely shocked that she sees something in you that nobody else does. You stay small in the friendship.
At work, you make yourself small.
As a child, for whatever reason, staying small kept you safe. It doesn’t mean you were abused or suffered from violence at the hands of others. Traumas can be small ‘t’s as in smaller traumas which are more continuous and ongoing. For whatever reason, becoming almost invisible helped.
And now you are stuck in it. It was described to me as it being like an email server which is down. You can keep sending it messages - be positive, I’m an adult, I’m great at my job - but the server sends them back.
I learned all this because this was how my own brain worked. I had a specialist type of trauma treatment called EMDR. It sounds a bit faddy. It isn’t. You don’t sit around for hours talking either. It was described to me as a way of rebooting the server so positive messages can get through.
It is not a cure but it has helped me enormously.
And also a sense of nobody here is coming to save me. Do I want to live the rest of my life like this? And I didn’t.
You want to get to a place where your own opinion of you matters most. If you deem your partner is critical, then ship him out. But it is possible that you latched onto a comment and ran with it.
When I first me my other half I showed him some pictures from a hobby and I made a joke and he reacted and repeated back to me what I’d said. And I threw every single photo out, some going back to my teenage years.
At time being stuck has ruined relationships, I’ve had a couple of awful breakdowns and at times felt like I couldn’t go on.
I did go on and do can you.
Learn from your friend - what helps give her confidence. Talk to her about it and get some inspiration - I think she would feel honoured to help.
You can get some help and I would - I am so glad I did. Part of the growth there was going well, what small step can I make? And it can be something tiny to start off with.
Nobody is absolutely confident. Most of us are just winging it and over 50 is a time when even the most conventionally beautiful can start to feel invisible.
I could pay you a load of compliments about your wonderful writing, or the fact that you have had a career, and met a partner but your brain will revert back to its pattern which is just to shrink.
The fact that you have written a thread in here is a huge leap.
I started reading up on trauma via the works of Dr Gabor Mate and I found him to be so informative. You are not alone and you deserve to enjoy your third act in life.

For reference I did pay for my EMDR and it wasn’t cheap but it doesn’t go on forever and for me was worth every penny.
At least have a look and think about it. Trauma is different in many ways we all experience it individually. It doesn’t mean you’ve been kidnapped or been in a war zone for it to be classed as trauma. Childhood is usually the key.

https://emdrassociation.org.uk/

Do you think maybe you attention seek for these perceived issues as you feel you don’t get it other ways. The feeling sorry for yourself. Seems a very toxic vein running through your posts. Rather than any examples of what you’ve done about it.

My ex husband suffered from depression. Over time, I saw that his perceptions were way off in perceiving what I said or did, in that he took things as an attack or a negative way, when nobody else would perceive it that way. Such as I was quite happy eating dinner, lost in my own thoughts, when he asked in a belligerent way I was looking at him as though I was pissed at him.

Then one time we were in a pool and noticed his front tooth was cracked sideways in half and remarked in surprise at that. He admitted that he presumed in my mind how disgusting he was that his tooth was cracked.

My point is that people with depression can perceive things in a light that is far from reality.

If you've never been on anti-depressants, I'd look into that route. Even if therapy or a different type of medication didn't work back then, it doesn't mean attempting again with a different doctor and different meds won't work again. Better to try than live in misery as you seem to be doing now.

You’re not comparing yourself to your friend but you are clearly taking on board comparisons you perceive are being made by others.

All your examples of not being more like other people and that being a character flaw etc are heartbreaking to read because you are good enough as you and if anyone makes comments like this then you should distance yourself because they’re making you feel less than.

I stand by just trying to focus on you and what makes you happy and do your best not to care what other people say but to see yourself. As long as you’re not invisible to yourself and you look after your own needs and gain some self confidence, you’ll be better for it

Have you looked into rejection sensitive dysphoria?

(It's quite common for people with ADHD or autism if that might be at play here).

I think you need to get to a place of giving less fucks. It's really sad that you're shrinking yourself, giving up hobbies and not wearing what you like.

You only get the one life and what other people say doesn't really matter.

Obviously not so much the case with loved ones, but you don't need to give a crap what strangers and acquaintances think.

If you believe your dp loves you and values you, then maybe he misspoke and it should be left in the past?

Or you know, maybe you're not good at something or your looks are not conventional for a role, but fuck it, it doesn't actually matter. What matters is enjoying the activity.

And if you are confident you're competent at something, then if people are pissing on your chips, that's a them problem, not a you problem.

Look into rejection sensitive dysphoria if you haven't before

This is spiteful and wrong. Ignore this OP. You're not attention seeking.

Ah OP, this is sad to read.
I wish I knew you - I’d get you thinking differently..
I’ve been the quiet, don’t see me person and fake-it-til-you-make-it person. I used to have to pretend I was my sister to get through my first bar job.
Now (I’m 51 for context), but also for years, I know who I am and what anyone doesn’t like about me that’s a them problem not a me problem.
Im guessing, and you don’t need to say, this hobby was “fitness” related.
if so, remind yourself that fitness/physical activity is absolutely not for the remarks or appearance and is for YOU. I used to get remarks 20 odd years ago about having noticeable biceps - wish I’d not stopped having biceps but they disappeared into wobbly.. but it wasn’t because of comments. (It’s because of life circumstances but now I’m weight-lifting I expect I’ll get more comments but I couldn’t care less).
Nobody - the man on the street or random women mean anything personal to you by comments to your friend. You probably carry yourself differently so people won’t want to say something personal or anything compliment “adjacent”. I don’t say something to people that I don’t think would rather be left alone.
And I definitely tell people they look amazing/dress is fantastic (though to be fair I’d say you look amazing in that dress rather than just say it’s a great dress), or they look happy or anything that occurs to me that is good. I’m sure it’s partly why people think I’m incredibly odd. But I don’t care because you know what changed me .. it was my first baby dying at full-term in utero and I almost died too. And it’s not an unusual thought for me to think death is just around the corner. Judgments are cheap. And easy. And I’m not letting, as much as I can (and I have a pretty shit life) people stop me doing things..
Not good enough..? You need to shut that voice down. If you aren’t good enough for your partner he’s not good enough for you. Same applies to everything else - your face doesn’t fit your job - the job doesn’t fit you.
you have to flip those thoughts.
Pick any one thought/issue and work on saying to yourself.. it’s not me, it’s them. And their judgement is passing and can change. It’s not important.. you are.

I'm in my 70s, twice when I've been going to my hairdresser, I've been stuck waiting at a level crossing....on foot, once a man probably in his 50s, and a lady who looked amazing in her 80s, told me I looked fabulous. I have a friend of almost 70, I've never seen in the same clothes twice,her hair is sharp, bright red, spikey, I've been out with her many times when strangers have complimented her

OP, I am very sorry you are not feeling happy and content in your own skin. That is what strikes me from your post. I think from this perspective you are interpreting events and comments to confirm this poor view of yourself, which I suspect is false.

I do plenty of hobbies that I am not good at. I refuse to equate enjoyment with competence. I don't do things because I am good at them but because they bring me joy. Who are you trying to impress? I think you need to impress yourself. Do things that bring you joy, who cares what you are wearing? Do you need people to notice you or tell you how brilliant you are? I can't think of anything worse myself.

Consider your 'invisibility' your super power. Work out what you want and do that now. Life is short. Enjoy it in your own way. I'm glad your partner isn't complaining about his exes but that doesn't mean you are awful. You haven't revealed what he has actually said that has hurt your sense of yourself.

You can only feel overshadowed if you are comparing shadows. You would be surprised how lacking in self belief and confidence many people are, despite how beautiful and brilliant they are to others. Please don't be disappointed in yourself. Focus on things you do like about yourself and stop comparing yourself to others or considering their opinion of you.

Also, if you felt like this as an adolescent and now feel like it once more in your late forties/fifties and haven't considered HRT, give it a whirl. Some people seem to experience peri/menopause as a sudden crisis in confidence. You are very much worth making feeling better about yourself a priority, OP. What you describe here feels like low mood to me and there are things you can do to change that.