Can anyone relate to being the daughter who helps and gets criticised?

[GreenwayHouse]

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this. I couldn’t find a families thread.

I overheard my mum on the phone with my brother (who lives on the other side of the world) this morning and she was complaining about how I was bossy. This has upset me. I live two hours away and I’ve come down to drive her to a hospital appointment this afternoon for her cancer treatment. I do this every three weeks. It was her birthday last week and it was a big milestone. As she’s been ill for years, I didn’t think she would get that far and I did all the organising and did my best to make the day special for her. My younger brother, who doesn’t live that far away, did absolutely nothing.

I come down regularly, take her to appointments, help look after another relative too, shop, cook every night for her when I’m here so she’s gets a good meal, do admin and other jobs and I am working full-time. She never complains about my brothers - they can do no wrong.

I was just after some reassurance that this is fairly normal with mothers/sons as I’m feeling pretty hurt (and this isn’t the first time it’s happened). I have to be a bit bossy sometimes so that I can plan my time and my job and annual leave as otherwise my mum would just leave things till the last minute and I can’t do that with working etc.

My mum can be hard work so I do have to bite my tongue and be patient. She has a friend who has a very bossy daughter and she once said, in front of me, to this woman that she knew exactly what it was like!

An old friend of my mum’s came down last year to stay and told me at the end of the trip that she was quite angry at how my mum spoke to me and how my mum thinks my brothers can do no wrong when I’m the one there helping.

Can anyone else relate? Just need to know I’m not on my own!

How would your mum respond if you brought this up with her? Would she care about how you feel or would it very quickly be all about how hurt she is. That tells you the reality of your relationship.

"I recognise that my mum did a lot for me and now I want to help her"

@GreenwayHouse She only did what all parents are supposed to do, which is to look after the children they brought into this world.

That does not put those children under a lifelong duty of care when their parents age and become unwell or frail. Most adult sons seem to be able to swerve that sense of responsibility pretty easily. It is lovely that you care for her and want to help her, but please don't do it out of a sense of obligation, especially when she can be so ungrateful.

Yes but remember not everyone’s mother or father always helped out. Many people’s parents were horrible to them.

I can imagine it’s a privilege to look after loving, caring parents but not so much those who weren’t kind or supportive. When does the duty end?

Speakeasier

That’s true, and I suppose it depends. I’ve helped our neighbours and I don’t know them well, it’s what you’re able to do really, I’d like to think most people would at least try especially if they’re family as making your way to a hospital on your own or not having someone with you must be tough (am lucky in that I generally have to go for tiny things so am fine on my own), especially if you’re barely able to move etc

This is such a common pattern in families. What would happen if you dropped the rope and said you had your own important appt so can’t help? Surely your brothers would have to step up? Or she’d get a taxi? Try it? Or is it more than you want appreciation? The psychology around eldest daughter dynamics is worth reading up on so you know you aren’t alone!

It's fine to want to help @GreenwayHouse. But that doesn't mean you need to keep biting your tongue / making up excuses etc. If she calls you bossy, tell her that she's being unkind. Point out that your brothers don't help. Say what you want to do for your own birthday without feeling the need to apologise.

Yup, you're describing me and my mum, and my sibling in your op, OP.

I lived closest to my mum when she was diagnosed with cancer some years ago. My siblings and spouse and their DC lived about 2 hours away.

I was the one who visited, took time off for her appointments, took leave after her op, had her to stay post-op, did ironing, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc, on top of being a very single parent, having my own home to run and a new job. I got my head chewed off one time as I wasn't able to stay for lunch after dropping her back at home after the 'all-clear' appointment as I had to go back to work. One time. My sibling visited ONCE throughout and did NOTHING and I got my head chewed off.

The expectation didn't change and eventually I went nc after hearing one too many times how I didn't do enough whilst my siblings did nothing.

I have found that the more that you do the more you are expected to do.
i spend a lot of my time feeling annoyed that I do so much whilst also feeling guilty in case I’m not doing enough. My brother says, ‘Let me know if you need me to do anything.’ By the time I’ve told him, I’ve got it done - my fault I know!
I also feel a mixture of unappreciated and also mightily pissed off that this is my life and future! Sorry if that sounds harsh. I should be enjoying my life more and I’ve now got two adult children who take up as much, if not more, time than my actual child children.
Then I remind myself that I’m lucky to have them and that they won’t be here forever.
Oh the emotions, the guilt and the unfairness of it all! Sorry - my post doesn’t help you in the slightest but I wanted you to know that you’re not the only one out there!

I'd certainly tell her that I'd heard her complaining about you being bossy and that her lack of gratitude for everything you do for her is very unfair and upsetting. She sounds like a misogynist who values male children more than female children.

There's a middle ground that isn't either continuing to do everything for her and not pulling her up on her unkind behaviour towards you or going no contact and refusing to help her at all. You can tell her that you will continue to help her as long as she shows you some gratitude and treats you kindly and with the respect that she shows to your brothers.

Yes. Tried to help my dad and got sworn at for my efforts

It's very much internalized misogyny Op, she doesn't expect too much from your DB but as a DD you're supposed to be there for her in her eyes, she sees caring as a woman's role. She probably expects you to see her as your senior, the matriarch, so doesn't take kindly to you telling her what to do, hence calling you bossy.
Your DB will get away with doing as little as possible so time to get them involved, tell them some of your DM appointments and tell them it's their turn

I think it's favourite/golden child versus others rather than being related to sex.

At any rate my DH has the same dynamic with his mother and sibling. DH bends over backwards to do everything, including travelling to see her weekly (3 hour round trip) while his brother who lives 10 minutes away does nothing but can do no wrong in his mother's eyes.

One time when his mother was complaining that he didn't come to see her enough or something similar., DH snapped and laid out exactly how difficult it was for him to organise his life so that he could come up every week, all the things he did for her and how his brother didn't help at all. He bluntly said that if she didn't appreciate his help, he was happy to leave it to his brother.

She has at least been more polite since then and more openly appreciative of what he does. So that might be a suggestion for you, OP?

Much as I adore my mum it always seems to me that no matter what the boys do it's never wrong yet very similar I'm the one that pops in, gets the shopping, drops everything the other week because of an emergency hospital appointment to take her, goes to pick up garden stuff at a moments notice she's ordered etc..I mean she's a great grandma and mother but I always feel I'm inferior the way she talks of my brother's she will never say they didn't offer to take her but if I don't she absolutely will and they rarely ever come to see her unless they want something from my perspective

So many ways I want to answer this ... simplest is look at anything that you don't have to do, ie shopping, online. Taking her to hospital appointments, taxi or the hospital will deal with it.

What would she do if the situation was reversed? what would they do if you were hit by a bus tomorrow.

You matter every bit as much as they do. I don't understand the magic sons thing, we had it in my family. Daughters did the looking after, sons were heroes for making the funerals ...

You’re definitely not on your own. This happened to me too. I don’t know what to say , other than at least you know you’re doing the decent thing. I suppose you could stop doing the help and see if she notices. Perhaps give that a go?

Solidarity, op. I too was the daughter expected to do it all, the one to receive the phonecalls at 3am, the one doing the mercy dashes, the one sitting in emergency departments, the one handling everything, while working about 50 hours per week in an extremely challenging job. My brother, who lived nearer and had the ability to work from home, escaped without any similar expectation. Nor did he have any sense of duty, compassion or empathy. He was however, full of opinions and criticism of what I was doing, yet he disappeared when told he could do it his way if he wanted. And it didn’t stop him feeling aggrieved though when, on her deathbed, my mother repeatedly asked for me and only me… the reason being that I was always the one she turned to and always the one who turned up…. His nose was very out of joint then and he muttered “I’m here too, you know” like a sulky teenager. He couldn’t even behave with dignity and decorum at his mother’s death bed. Unsurprisingly, I now have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with him.

Has anyone else noticed that it’s only women that get called bossy. It’s never sons, husbands or fathers.

Just saw a talk from this author who has written about being a daughter can turn you into a third parent in your family.
It rang true for me!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Autoimmunity-Good-Girls-Permission-Ourselves/dp/B0FPRL1186

Well its a version of "play stupid games, win stupid prizes", isn't it? In reality she would come to her senses quite quickly and start showing you some manners. Which she no doubt drilled in to you as a kid.

When people face no consequences that inconvenience them, they carry on.

This!

No, but I’d put the fear of God up her that I wouldn’t be continuing to help her so she apologises and mends her ways.
She needs to be told a few home truths. I would remind her that your DB does nothing and you do X, Y and Z. I would tell her that her comments are very hurtful and if they are repeated she will need to get someone else to do X Y and Z.

The alternative is that you put up with it and become increasingly resentful and bitter and your own health will suffer.

Be clear with her that you expect basic respect and some appreciation and no unpleasant comments.