Is there still any chance with this guy or am I being ghosted?

[Helen123UK]

Started chatting to a guy about a month ago I met on a dating app. We hit it off straight away messaging constantly so after about a day we switched to WhatsApp. We continued to message loads for a week both getting to know each other and landed up chatting on phone for hours a couple of times. We met up that weekend, had a great first date with drinks, the conversation was amazing and we both agreed felt like we had known each other ages. We spent the day together and I stayed over as it felt right and that side of things was great too. I stayed until the afternoon the next day and we got food together before I went home.

We both agreed we really liked each other and wanted to get to know each other more although he works most weekends so that was a rare one off so I agree that I’d take a day off when he was or we could do an evening date or something and he said he would let me know when he got his shifts when he was off next. We live about 40mins away. I’m 42 and he is 28 so I am older but he said age isn’t an issue just the connection which I agree with. We messaged loads for another week and a half and talked on phone and I did ask about his shifts a couple times but he just kept saying I do really want to see you again I’ll let you know. We were even planning stuff to watch together. Then abruptly he hardly replied like one message a day and straight to the point with no kisses anymore. Then he went silent a couple days and I just got sorry I’m not chatty I’m not good at this and a day later sorry I’ve been distant but now a week has passed and he hasn’t replied to me at all.

He said the last time we talked on phone just prior to the messages changing, that he had got bad news that his grandmother might be ill and he is really close to her so I’m thinking is he just really upset or is he busy at work and I’m hoping he does still want to meet again as we both said we would always say what we were feeling so we would be upfront if didn’t think was working and he swore he wasn’t the type to just vanish he would say if he wasn’t interested.

My friends say it’s just typical ghosting though and he was probs talking to others and maybe prefers one of them or just isn’t feeling it but not saying. I’m just really surprised as he seemed so genuine and such a nice guy and open and honest so I just keep thinking they’re just be more to it than he isn’t interested but am I kidding myself. My friends say I should just go back on apps and try again but I hate dating more than one person at a time so don’t want to if it’s feasible he could come back. This is my first date since out of a long term relationship so I’m so rusty haha with telling what is going on. If he was going to ghost why say the day before he went silent he was sorry he had been distant in the few days before with less texts than usual and apologise for not being good at this (assuming he means dating) even though the two weeks prior he had seemed like the most easy to talk to person going.

I am going to be very blunt. You are unwise to sleep with a guy the first time you meet. Also if he wants kids, you are probably too old so he was likely just after sex.

Sorry OP, he has had second thoughts. He was probably talking to other women and he's met someone else but is too wimpy to tell you. Stop messaging him. Delete his number and move on.

Firstly it's exciting you are dating and I wish you the best of luck. This is pretty common in dating and with apps I had multiple people on the go because it is a numbers game sadly and ghosting is so common. Perhaps he has personal issues, but I'd say it could be ghosting. Perhaps it's a sign of his age that he decided to ghost instead of just sending a nice text to let you know, so you aren't stuck in limbo. I'd drop him a text saying I really enjoyed meeting you, but don't want to waste any more time if you aren't interested. No hard feelings if not, but would appreciate if you could let me know so I can move on. Good luck again & jealous that you are dating 28 year olds!

Yep he's ghosting you. He's speaking to someone more his age or closer or both. Enjoy the memories and move on.

Surely you realised this was a none starter before you had sex?

Stop listening to what people say and look at how they behave. He has obviously lost interest. Even dragging out the sick granny as an excuse 🙄

"Is there still any chance with this guy"

You are a 40+ year old woman, naïvité, as far as online dating is concerned, should not be your undoing.

Raise your bar @Helen123UK

I mean at least she got good sex with a younger guy. I'd take that as a solid success

Sorry OP but as open and honest he seemed, you don't really know him at all. Men aren't difficult to read - if he was still interested you'd know about it. I would imagine he's probably been chatting to several women and is now ghosting you because he's dating someone else.

Try to take it slower next time and don't jump in head first. If a man wants to see you again, he'll be calling or messaging and trying to set up the next date. Anything else means he's not that into you!

He enjoyed the chase, met up and had sex and has lost interest.

Move on, OP. He's too young to be really interested. He's probably picked up a 24 year old. It was just casual sex as far as he was concerned and he faked the right things to get it. He doesn't really feel 'an amazing connection' with you or he'd not be busy ghosting you.

Delete him and move on.

I think I’m just so surprised as he seemed so into me and was asking for stuff to buy in for breakfast for the future, we started a TV series and he was planning another one we should start together and he kept being as enthusiastic for a week and a half after the first date before calling about bad news about his grandmother (well potential they don’t even know if she cancer yet) and then about two days later his messages reduced and the lapsed into the week of silence, I was even feeling bad for him, guess I have to wise up to navigate online dating

Don't think @Helen123UK is feeling particularly satisfied with the encounter tbf 😔

Agreed, but need to take the positives out of it.

Your friends are right, he’s just ghosting because he’s had enough now, time to move on from him. I like a man slightly younger myself, I’m also 40s however I think men in their 20s/earlly 30s are not a good choice for a long term partner, the age gap is too great, they are likely to want kids at some point and settle for someone their own age.

He wanted sex and now he doesn’t but he will no doubt be back. Personally if I were you I’d block him.

Oh mate. He's 28, he just wanted a shag. And he doesn't have a sick grandmother.

Yeah he's dropping the hint, shame on him that he can't just send you a message and tell you or call you. He might of been dating someone else at the same time that he's clicked with more or maybe it was just sex. Or maybe he's just had a bit of reflection and thought you weren't quite a match or it was too much too fast. It sounds like a great first date, personally I take a bit more time to get to know someone but you had chatted a lot and were both enjoying your time together so it's understandable that you hung out for so long. Well done getting back out there, best of luck.

"I’m just so surprised"

Oh @Helen123UK, really?

Not all men are rubbish, that's a given, but online daters and you agreed to sex on the first date!!

You're surprised he ghosted you?

It would be worth your self esteem to be more cautious.

Sorry op but he hasn’t disappeared because his grandmother is ill. Be careful though as he may well turn up again (when he wants a shag) and he will do the same to you again so don’t fall for whatever excuses he might give.

He's had his sex and he's moving on.

He should've been more honest about it but 20 somethings tend to be a bit more immature than 40 somethings.

OP, I am really sorry it has turned out like this, especially as it was your first date since your break up. Unfortunately, it does sound like he has changed his mind/met someone else, or decided he isn't in the right headspace for anything serious, and doesn't have the guts to just be up front with you, which is regrettable.

Try to take the positives from it if you can - sounds like you had a great time, and he was definitely attracted to you, so there is hope you will find similarly strong chemistry with someone who is better placed to pursue things .....

If you would like to, feel free to hop onto the online dating thread. There are lots of us on there who are trying to navigate the ups and downs of online dating - it's a very supportive space with lots of advice, sympathy, humour, and zero judgement! We've all been there and know how it feels when you meet someone you really like, and desperately want things to work out.....

Sounds like simple ghosting.

I can empathise, OP. It’s horrible. And it feels like you never know when it’s coming.

My two cents – the guy I ended up marrying (from internet dating) was a pretty crappy texter. There was no hours of talking or messaging, there was no ‘I feel like I’ve known you for years’. He said what he did and did what he said. It was reliable and honest and down to earth. He could go a week without texting me, but he 100% showed up in every way that actually mattered.

Been together 13yrs and married for 9.

OLD is a numbers game. He will have been messaging lots of women. You took the bait. He told you what he needed to tell you to get you into bed and has been future faking you with talks of breakfast groceries. He has probably been on dates with three or four other women since he met you.

28 year olds do not routinely form attachments with 42 year olds - we all know exceptions to to rule but they are unusual. He’ll play the field for another few years and then settle down with a younger woman and have kids with her.

The central tenet of OLD is don’t put all your eggs in one basket. You’re not going steady until you’ve agreed you’re going steady and come off the apps. He might reappear for a booty call but hopefully by then you’ll have moved on.

You've been ghosted. Move on. If you're wanting more from a relationship pick someone a bit older .

After my first marriage ended, I learned a lot by making mistakes on OLD. If you're looking for an exclusive partner, it takes time to learn if the guy shares that goal, if everything matches up. But don't believe a guy when he just says that's his goal, because he could be lying. So yeah, a guy will be patient about intimacy and will consistently ask you for dates to get to know you, besides fantasizing about finally doing it. No guarantees, but in holding off a bit, a predator going for easy prey will lose interest, saving you from bonding with someone through sex who will take off as soon as he's reached his goal of one and done.

Also, don't let a stranger know your address right away as it's unsafe as going to a stranger's house on the first date. I know I met a guy for a first meet and he was attractive, had a good job, and we spoke about normal topics. The next time we met up, I found I he was totally crazy. Thank God we'd met in public both times and he never knew my address.

One more thing--no matter how much you're enjoying a first meet, keep it to no more than a couple of hours. Let the date times gradually build to longer periods if things continue to go well. Way too much time too soon, like you did with days- long time together, is a high risk for sabotaging what might've worked if you'd dated at a normal pace. Likely not with this younger guy, but in regards to anyone in the future.

Anyway, you'll have so many different dating experiences as it usually takes a lot of digging through sand to find the treasure. I used to have my co-workers and friends rolling in laughter with some of my crazy experiences.