Is there still any chance with this guy or am I being ghosted?

[Helen123UK]

Started chatting to a guy about a month ago I met on a dating app. We hit it off straight away messaging constantly so after about a day we switched to WhatsApp. We continued to message loads for a week both getting to know each other and landed up chatting on phone for hours a couple of times. We met up that weekend, had a great first date with drinks, the conversation was amazing and we both agreed felt like we had known each other ages. We spent the day together and I stayed over as it felt right and that side of things was great too. I stayed until the afternoon the next day and we got food together before I went home.

We both agreed we really liked each other and wanted to get to know each other more although he works most weekends so that was a rare one off so I agree that I’d take a day off when he was or we could do an evening date or something and he said he would let me know when he got his shifts when he was off next. We live about 40mins away. I’m 42 and he is 28 so I am older but he said age isn’t an issue just the connection which I agree with. We messaged loads for another week and a half and talked on phone and I did ask about his shifts a couple times but he just kept saying I do really want to see you again I’ll let you know. We were even planning stuff to watch together. Then abruptly he hardly replied like one message a day and straight to the point with no kisses anymore. Then he went silent a couple days and I just got sorry I’m not chatty I’m not good at this and a day later sorry I’ve been distant but now a week has passed and he hasn’t replied to me at all.

He said the last time we talked on phone just prior to the messages changing, that he had got bad news that his grandmother might be ill and he is really close to her so I’m thinking is he just really upset or is he busy at work and I’m hoping he does still want to meet again as we both said we would always say what we were feeling so we would be upfront if didn’t think was working and he swore he wasn’t the type to just vanish he would say if he wasn’t interested.

My friends say it’s just typical ghosting though and he was probs talking to others and maybe prefers one of them or just isn’t feeling it but not saying. I’m just really surprised as he seemed so genuine and such a nice guy and open and honest so I just keep thinking they’re just be more to it than he isn’t interested but am I kidding myself. My friends say I should just go back on apps and try again but I hate dating more than one person at a time so don’t want to if it’s feasible he could come back. This is my first date since out of a long term relationship so I’m so rusty haha with telling what is going on. If he was going to ghost why say the day before he went silent he was sorry he had been distant in the few days before with less texts than usual and apologise for not being good at this (assuming he means dating) even though the two weeks prior he had seemed like the most easy to talk to person going.

OP, respectfully it doesn't matter what he said, did or thought, it was all to get into your bloomers, end of. He might come back when his granny needs money or kicked the bucket, either way, he's looking for the same result.

He’s 28. Enough said.

He could have made a plan for that next day off in 10 days. But he didn’t. Which says it all really.

Well he did say a lot that he was insecure and couldn’t believe someone would take a day off for him, as it would have been a week day when I would have had to take a day off work, think his next actual weekend where has one day off is either this weekend coming up or the one afywr

Bollocks I’m afraid

Nonsense, what he meant was he can’t believe you’d do that for a guy you’d just met. As he’d not do that. Most people wouldn’t. It’s too much too soon.

ypu do seem very over invested in this young guy. And really struggling to accept he’s not wanting s relationship. That’s really not healthy to be this involved so quickly.

I have accepted I’m unlikely to hear from him, up until he went silent we were matching each other in terms of contact etc and I replied on here as people have taken the time to comment which I really appreciate

@Helen123UK

When you first start talking to someone they’re putting their best or sometime fake self forward to impress.

It takes time to see the whole true person so you need to make sure you’re keeping your wits about you, remembering to not believe everything you hear and to take things slowly.

Even months into dating people haven’t truly pet their guards down to reveal their whole selves so just date steadily and don’t pin all your hopes on someone right away.

OP - kindly, you keep rehashing the same stuff asserting that he was equally into you etc… as tho you’re still looking for evidence to yourself that he might still be wanting contact but is being prevented from doing so for some reason.

You’d be better off reconciling yourself to the much more likely theory that he future-faked you, sensed your enthusiasm, was mirroring you & matching your energy right up until you signified that you’d actually take a day’s annual leave just to fit in with his shift schedule… I’m sorry but that probably brought home to him how over-invested you were and how fast it was all moving. This triggered second-thoughts; and he’s backed-off.

You say he’s not been on WhatsApp but that’s HIGHLY unlikely in this day & age, esp if that’s how he usually communicates with people. It’s likely he’s turned-off ‘last seen’ so as to perpetuate his fib that he’s “busy working” or “dealing with his ailing grandma”.
I myself have read receipts turned off so that people can’t keep tabs on my whereabouts / phone use / activity. Not for anything nefarious - but for this exact reason that it can be used to keep tabs on people, which I think is unhealthy. Respectfully, the fact you’re commenting on how long it’s been since you last saw him online shows that you’re checking on his online activity - which is not at all healthy with anyone, not least a young guy you’ve only just met and had a couple of dates with.

Please no more updates saying the same points about how into you he seemed at first. We do all hear that - but we’ve explained that for whatever reason your keenness is no longer reciprocated by him. Step away from the whole business now. Chalk this brief dalliance with a young lad up to dating experience and just move on.

He has last seen still on there and it is date stamped at time of his last message, if you turn it off it just disappears

42 is not too old to have kids and I will be honest, I slept with my current partner on the second date and we have been together 5 years. If someone likes you they like you. Those things do not matter. I think just move on and keep dating, you will find the right one.

Even if you do hear from him again it doesn't mean he's looking for a relationship. You might hear from him again. He'll have a long convoluted story about why he went quiet. You'll have another 'date'. He'll go quiet again. This is all he has to offer.

42 is her age now. They wouldn’t have kids now.. she would be 44/45 at least which is pushing it.

Gosh this is moving into a bit obsessive now op.

I replied as someone asked the question had he been online since last message to me , I’m always on the WhatsApp talking to friends so have looked from time to time

He’s had second thoughts. Maybe he mentioned it to a friend and they laughed and mocked him or something so it put him off. The age gap isn’t insubstantial and obviously it’s rarer this way around than the other. He may also just have met someone else he prefers. Also not to be awful but he maybe fetishised you because he’s always fantasised about sleeping with an older woman but now he’s done it so…

A 28 year old charmed a 42 year old MILF into bed, then vanished. He's got into your knickers very easily, and now he's moved on. You have to as well.

Do you not see why this is moving into obsessive and borderline stalking?

there are clearly much deeper issues here at play. This behavuour is not normal. From wanting to take a day off work to be with a man you jist met, just so you could see him, to checking his what’s app status repeatedly, to starting threads about him, to try to continue to tell yourself there is another reason for his silence.

this man is a stranger, he is also significantly younger than you and at a different life stage, he is not behaving as you are.

it’s not healthy to be so invested in someone you barely know. I am unsure what’s caused it, is it a behaviour you exhibit if you sleep with someone, or is it a typical pattern irrelevant. Either way, I’d advise blocking him, not looking any more at his socials to see if he’s been on line or liked your posts and try to focus on what’s went wrong here.

You sleeping with him isn’t the issue. Perhaps he was dating numerous ladies and has found someone he has a better connection with. He can still like your posts etc while with someone else. I have my ex’s on social media and like their posts sometimes. Either way it’s time to move on and get back online.

I think this is a bit harsh. OP has become newly single, met someone who seems to have been a bit of a love bombing chancer and has binned her off unexpectedly. She has come for some advice and is taking it on board.
She isn’t sat outside his house with binoculars just happened to see if he was on what’s app as he is still on there and presumably has been messaging her fairly recently.

Do you think, hmmm, ok, it wasn’t intended as harsh, but I guess we have different views as for me she’s had one date with this man, he is a complete stranger, and it was what 3 weeks ago, and she’s still checking his what’s app status? I’m also not sure one date and some messages/phone calls can be classed as love bombing.

For me this behaviour is a bit much, and concerning/not healthy, and is moving into borderline stalking/obsessive, but I understand your view differs and this is justifiable and ok to still be doing this.

I also personally find the age gap a little icky in this situation, and would if the genders were reversed, and it was an older man, and a younger woman who had ghosted, and the older man still checking her socials and what’s app status.

again, I understand you feel differently and that’s ok.