Is there still any chance with this guy or am I being ghosted?

[Helen123UK]

Started chatting to a guy about a month ago I met on a dating app. We hit it off straight away messaging constantly so after about a day we switched to WhatsApp. We continued to message loads for a week both getting to know each other and landed up chatting on phone for hours a couple of times. We met up that weekend, had a great first date with drinks, the conversation was amazing and we both agreed felt like we had known each other ages. We spent the day together and I stayed over as it felt right and that side of things was great too. I stayed until the afternoon the next day and we got food together before I went home.

We both agreed we really liked each other and wanted to get to know each other more although he works most weekends so that was a rare one off so I agree that I’d take a day off when he was or we could do an evening date or something and he said he would let me know when he got his shifts when he was off next. We live about 40mins away. I’m 42 and he is 28 so I am older but he said age isn’t an issue just the connection which I agree with. We messaged loads for another week and a half and talked on phone and I did ask about his shifts a couple times but he just kept saying I do really want to see you again I’ll let you know. We were even planning stuff to watch together. Then abruptly he hardly replied like one message a day and straight to the point with no kisses anymore. Then he went silent a couple days and I just got sorry I’m not chatty I’m not good at this and a day later sorry I’ve been distant but now a week has passed and he hasn’t replied to me at all.

He said the last time we talked on phone just prior to the messages changing, that he had got bad news that his grandmother might be ill and he is really close to her so I’m thinking is he just really upset or is he busy at work and I’m hoping he does still want to meet again as we both said we would always say what we were feeling so we would be upfront if didn’t think was working and he swore he wasn’t the type to just vanish he would say if he wasn’t interested.

My friends say it’s just typical ghosting though and he was probs talking to others and maybe prefers one of them or just isn’t feeling it but not saying. I’m just really surprised as he seemed so genuine and such a nice guy and open and honest so I just keep thinking they’re just be more to it than he isn’t interested but am I kidding myself. My friends say I should just go back on apps and try again but I hate dating more than one person at a time so don’t want to if it’s feasible he could come back. This is my first date since out of a long term relationship so I’m so rusty haha with telling what is going on. If he was going to ghost why say the day before he went silent he was sorry he had been distant in the few days before with less texts than usual and apologise for not being good at this (assuming he means dating) even though the two weeks prior he had seemed like the most easy to talk to person going.

He love bombed you to get what he wanted, but think about it, did you really think this was going to go anywhere...he's 28!

Watching a box set together does not mean commitment.

Its always the grandmother, never the granddad 😆

I think the 'he works most weekends' already told you a lot. Does he really work so much, not know his shifts etc? More likely he was restricting his availability so he could see others, already has a gf etc. When I was 52, I was dating a 29 year old for several months after coming out of a long relationship. He was very much into me but had to "work weekends", late eves etc. Then I found out he had a pregnant gf!!

The grandmother story is the oldest in the book - I've even heard builders use it as an excuse not to turn up. His grandmother may well be ill but that's his excuse for not seeing you, rather than the reason.
You can see whether he is still using WhatsApp and what time he was last online - I bet he's still going on, just not messaging you!

If you were the last person to message I would wait another week and if you havent heard by then send another one saying 'just to let you know I've met someone else, bye'. Good luck OP, there will be someone else out there xx

I think people are very skeptical over age, and stereotype but realistically you should look at actions.

The age gap between me and my DP is very similar. He wasnt just after a shag etc but his actions were and still are very different to this guys. As mine were very different to yours.

If you step back and read what youve written, it was very much too much for a first date. He is a stranger, but you went to his house, stayed there and he spoke about getting things in for breakfast etc amd planning what to watch on the tv. You need to tighten your boundaries for safety first and foremost. This guy could have been anyone. You put yourself in a very vulnerable position.

Regardless of his age, his actions are showing you he isnt interested. He is not consistent, and has done the slow fade on you.
If a man wants you, you will be in no doubt.

Kindly, please make sure you leave yourself less vulnerable with strangers and dont get pulled in on all the over the top words. Actions, actions, actions.

P.s nothing wrong with a younger guy! And if it does progress into something just ensure you have chats about what they want from a relationship. I already had 2 children and had been married, wanted no more kids and never wanted to get married again. DP never wanted his own children, but he (and his family love mine) and he doesnt believe in marriage either. Despite his age, he is the most emotionally intelligent and mature man ive ever met, and it is the most fulfilling relationship ive ever been in.

If a man wants you, you will be in no doubt.

Can't believe people still believe in this. Countless threads on here where men have not been clear in their intentions, yet this trope persists. It's 2026 and people still think that men should do all the chasing, proposal etc. If you don't ask, you don't get.

I respectfully disagree.
I am also on about the initial chase and setting the stall out with effort and actions early on. Nothing to do with an established relationship/proposal or marriage.
Specifically on about dating, and I firmly believe, based on all my experience and because I am a bit of a traditional person in some things, that men love the chase, they want the prize......if you are getting breadcrumbs and dribs and drabs, no effort on dates etc and thats their "A game" you just arent that valued and are more of a placeholder.

Women should value themselves enough to not be a placeholder....and whilst some flirting and encouragement doesnt go amiss to help a man along I certainly wouldnt be chasing anyone or arranging the dates early on.

Established relationships totally different kettle of fish

You haven't heard from him for days after your first date.

Obviously it's over.

What did you think was going to happen with a man almost young enough to be your son?

14 year old mothers are few and far between

Men are much more straightforward than this. You don't have to read the runes or decipher hidden meaning in him liking FB posts. If he wanted to see you he would say something like "I want to see you".

You already know the answer to this question. He is ghosting you and most likely you will never hear from him again.

The secret to happiness is raise your bar.

Don't sleep with anyone on a first date if you are looking for a proper relationship. You don't know them. Spend time with them, long enough for their best behaviour to transition into their usual self, before you decide if you like them enough to get naked.

If someone ghosts you, stop wondering if you still stand a chance with him. Other way round. Is it likely that he still stands a chance with you after that sort of dodgy behaviour? No.

Ill grandmothers. Hmm. Could be. But someone who liked you would keep texting and phoning while visiting a sick granny. I file sick granny ghosters with builders who fail to turn up due to the sudden unforeseen need for them all to attend the funeral of an ex-colleagues wife who died of a brain tumour. Builders' mates' wives have an uncommonly high rate of death by brain tumour. Ghosters who disappear because they love their granny, likewise.

I agree. We may not want it to be true, but it is. Also, men have a tendency to be attracted to women who they think will somehow raise their social status - so very pretty or wealthy women, or choosy women. If they can get a woman other men can't have - status boost. Women who play hard to get automatically rate as a higher prize than women who sleep with a man on the first date. (And yes I know NAMALT and some one night stands turn into long happy marriages - I know some)

Having high self-esteem, not putting up with shit, having a bar they have to jump to get over makes men happy. It also quickly sifts out the total shits as they will try to knock you down, and as soon as they do, you can ditch them. You have to behave like you value yourself highly. Even DH who I'd class in the NAMALT category, told me that if I had slept with him very early on, he'd have assumed I did that a lot, and not taken me as seriously as a potential life partner.

And I meant it in all stages too. This initial "chase and prize" is just nonsense. I know some women who think that men should message them first on Bumble when the whole app was designed so that men can't message first!

The apps are designed so that you have to swipe on people yourself, otherwise you don't get featured, you can't just sit there and expect men to do all the chasing. And it's the same in real life too, we're not living in Jane Austin times.

Clearly this man isn't interested, but it's a mistake to believe in the trope "you'll definitely know if a man in interested", and I think it creates a society where women are just expected to look pretty, sit on the shop shelf and wait for a man to show interest.

I agree with all you said until you mentioned your current partners comments about you, I would dump any man who said that to me. Red flag misogyny.

He is full of shit and you are too old to be falling for his nonsense. Move on.

I was in a similar situation once. I don’t think he was intentionally love bombing you to get you into bed or any of that nonsense; he’s just 28 being 28. Probably didn’t give much thought to what he was saying or the impact it would have on you. He clearly had an enjoyable weekend but I doubt he read much in to it. I feel for you - just because you’re older, doesn’t meant you’re old! We are still the same in some ways deep down as we were in our twenties and when you feel you have a connection with someone, you don’t even think about age. Try and detach yourself from this one and don’t over-analyse it. Keep looking forward and good luck X

Doesn't sound like this one has legs so time to move on.
But don't let anyone shame you for sleeping on the first date. I slept with my now DH the first time I met him. Coincidentally he was 28, I was 35 🙈

The old trope is true. It doesn’t mean women shouldn’t do the chasing, one doesn’t equal the other. And someone down thread bizzarely referenced dating apps that prevent that, in the real world if a man is interested he will let you know. If he doesn’t and it’s unclear it’s because he’s on the fence or not thay into you.

Oh honey....come on. The ill grandmother story?!

Speak for yourself, I have absolutely shagged and ran.

With respect, you are making more of what ive written and turned it into some kind of red pill type thing.
Im simply saying, if someone is interested you should know. If you feel confused or uncertain, they arent your person. No one is "too busy to message" someone they prioritise or value.

And I am traditional, so yes I prefer a fella chasing me initially, and always have done. It isnt wrong, its just my preference and I think most women would prefer this. I have boundaries and value myself and I want to feel chased and desired, I simply wouldnt settle for low energy, flakiness

In an Uber on the way to the date now - really fucking nervous!

So stupid - usually I feel profound indifference.....

I remembered just in time to send my best friend his contact details, just in case he harms me...... I used to be very diligent about all that stuff, but I guess I have got more relaxed about it as the first dates go on. But sadly, there are some awful guys out there, and we all need to stay safe!

Hope you are all having a good evening, lovely daters, whatever you are doing. I do really appreciate this group, and the courage and support you all give.

Oh Helen. Are you really that Naive? Let it go.

He liked your Facebook posts? Come on, you're a 42 year old woman. Pull yourself together. 28 year olds don't even use Facebook. You're being played. There might be a few more shags in it but there is no future here.

He hasn’t actually been on to WhatsApp since the last message he sent me weirdly but I guess maybe doesn’t use it. He did go on and on about wanting to date before the date, during and for a week and a half after so not sure if it was all a lie, or that he changed his mind for whatever other reason. Up until he went silent we were matching each other in enthusiasm and he even commented how good it was no game playing and us both being open… only red flag was he wouldn’t commit to when we could meet again as he said he didn’t have any days off for about ten days straight following the day he went silent…I get it that he not hear from him likely