Regretting our choice of godparents after family fallout over my daughter

[OpenFinch]

I am feeling really down and looking for some opinions and guidance.
My husband and I chose his brother and his brothers wife as the godparents for our child. We are Christians. It is a decision I took very seriously as my faith is important to me and I want my daughter to have a fulfilled life and godparents who want to see and love her. They had been supportive during the pregnancy and early newborn days. However things took a turn when my baby was diagnosed with a disability and I was admitted to hospital for postpartum depression. My sister in law started saying I caused it by having a c section (i had an emergency, traumatic birth) and not breastfeeding her. She has made alot of upsetting comments. I eventually sent a message explaining how I felt. It was approximately one week after they had their new third baby (in and out of hospital one hour , very easy birth and feeding). I was very calm in the message and only described in terms of my feelings, not talking negatively about her. I requested she not keep bringing up my birth and feeding failures.
Anyway my sister in law didnt take my message kindly and has been recently excluding me from family events. She did not even invite me to her baby's baptism, let alone make me godmother. She told my husband they wanted him as godfather but would not have me. He declined as he though it would hurt me too much. It has indeed hurt me deeply. I feel so much guilt to my daughter for making them her godparents, as it seems lile they will no longer be in our life

This sounds like a very painful process. I do think though that your daughter does not need someone with those opinions in her life; they won’t help her or support her in a way you would wish. So the outcome for her is not a bad one.

Family fallouts are horrifically painful - I have been through one in the last few years and it’s truly awful and destructive. I would say focus and appreciate on the family and friends you have that are capable of positive relationships.

I was brought up Christian but have forgotten - might there be an option to have godparents as part of a confirmation, if thats important to you?

Thank you. It really is awful. I believe you can choose different sponsors at confirmation time. But this all seems so far in the future. It is hard to get through the now. Last night I was up all night regretting trying to set a boundary for what it has done to the family.

Are you the poster who keeps posting about their SIL? This is an obsession, if so.

Sorry what?

No? This is my first post. I am confused

The best outcome would be for you to make up somehow.
You are both missing out on each other's support.
Your DHs are brothers who love each other.

Can you enlist the help of an intermediary?
Mediation could help.
Both being prepared to apoloogise and bury the hatchet.
It will take time. You might never forget but being able to start again and tolerate each other is paramount, especially for the wee little cousins.

Has somebody had a similar experience to me? I have not posted before on mumsnet. I have felt intimidated by forums and have been in and out of hospital with my condition and my childs therapy.

I do not understand. I only pressed post once. Has it duplicated? Or are you saying my circumstances are similar to another poster? I guess in law drama is not a rarity?

This is a fairly common subject so lets not troll hunt without proof. Report the poster if you have suspicions.

@OpenFinch I would agree that mediation may be a good idea. As would counselling for yourself to find some peace in this. Perhaps making a will and expressing your wishes for your dd would support you to get peace surrounding this

Thank you.
She has no desire to mend things though. And I am deeply hurt.

There’s a poster who has fallen out with her SIL because she made disparaging comments about her having a C-section and the poster has now become obsessed with her SIL, fuelled by the fact her DD now has a disability. If it’s not you, then your stories are almost identical. The advice given to her is always the same (because she posts A LOT): get some therapy to try to let go of the anger and obsession.

I think unfortunately many people in society judge c sections. I have had comments from people I barely know.
Also I am not angry or obsessed, just upset.

Honestly I’ve never met anyone who cares about a section. Or anyone who wants to keep taking about other people’s births.

You wanted her out of your life; she is.

No i didnt. As above, I just wanted her to stop making hurtful comments. I want my child to have her family and godparents.

On mumsnet that's apparently a thing. I've never heard it IRL.

Anyway, you sent her a nasty message when she had a newborn. Why would she bother with you after that?

Maybe I am in a "crunchy" area because I have people ask about how I gave birth constantly.

I felt very raw and vulnerable during the post partum phase and would have been deeply hurt by these comments. Now I’d be able to brush them off as her opinion, and her issues, and essentially nothing to do with me.

I think mums of small babies can get locked into a “one right way” mentality precisely because there is so much uncertainty, and the stakes feel impossibly high. That’s why people become so militant about breastfeeding, blw, etc. It’s a psychological protection, that helps keep the fear away - it can’t happen to me because I’m doing these right things. And it can’t happen tip over into harsh judgement, and interference.

You’re both mums to little dc. If you can find a way to get past this, you’ll probably be a source of help and support to each other. The brothers will benefit from each others support too.

It may just take time too.

Try and keep in mind that none of those things are objectively true (although they may feel that way a little?) and that her opinion doesn’t have enough weight (in terms of expertise, professional knowledge, etc) to matter. Don’t waste your energy on foolish opinions - no one listening to her is likely to think she’s correct, unless they’re also foolish, in which case their opinion doesn’t matter either.

Sorry but nasty how? I told her how I felt especially dealing with depression and my baby's high needs. It was nothing putting her down.

Give it a bit of time. And forgiveness.
Take care of your baby and marriage and see what is next. Let go of anger and worries. Get help if it's hard. A therapist or talk to your vicar.
God will see to your child's future. Don't worry about past things you can't change.

Just to add: ime there is so much judgement about everything with babies. Random strangers wanted to interrogate me in parks about the birth, how I fed them, their sleeping schedule. People are a little bit mad.

Yes!!!! What is it that makes people so comfortable asking personal questions.

I don’t think I had a single person ask how did you give birth? just how was the birth? It’s your choice how much info you give either way. In the meantime, if SIL is so horrible, why would you still want her to be so pivotal in your life?