Regretting our choice of godparents after family fallout over my daughter

[OpenFinch]

I am feeling really down and looking for some opinions and guidance.
My husband and I chose his brother and his brothers wife as the godparents for our child. We are Christians. It is a decision I took very seriously as my faith is important to me and I want my daughter to have a fulfilled life and godparents who want to see and love her. They had been supportive during the pregnancy and early newborn days. However things took a turn when my baby was diagnosed with a disability and I was admitted to hospital for postpartum depression. My sister in law started saying I caused it by having a c section (i had an emergency, traumatic birth) and not breastfeeding her. She has made alot of upsetting comments. I eventually sent a message explaining how I felt. It was approximately one week after they had their new third baby (in and out of hospital one hour , very easy birth and feeding). I was very calm in the message and only described in terms of my feelings, not talking negatively about her. I requested she not keep bringing up my birth and feeding failures.
Anyway my sister in law didnt take my message kindly and has been recently excluding me from family events. She did not even invite me to her baby's baptism, let alone make me godmother. She told my husband they wanted him as godfather but would not have me. He declined as he though it would hurt me too much. It has indeed hurt me deeply. I feel so much guilt to my daughter for making them her godparents, as it seems lile they will no longer be in our life

OP, I think you need to put this behind you and focus on raising your child with people around that you love, trust and respect. My DC godparents were mostly absent from their lives and didn’t turn out to be great choices on my part but they’ve grown into amazing adults.

I thought all this sounded familiar.

Whatever went on before, I don’t think sending a message like that was wise when she was 1 week postpartum. Either apologise and move on, or don’t and move on.

Your poor DH is in an awkward position now.

I fully believe that you have posted about this before, maybe you are still not very well and should seek some help. All the best

OP lets be real here, you and your story are extremely recognisable. Changing usernames isn't going to help, we aren't all stupid.

I would suggest that you find the thread from the other poster who has the exact same circumstances as you. There was some good advice on those posts.
It is uncanny how similar your lives are - so weird that both of you think it’s appropriate to send such a message to your SIL one week after she has given birth. Both you and her described the birth in a flippant manner.

Not read all the comments so could be barking up the wrong tree , I usually am but a different slant on this, and a different way to look at it …

You say as a good Christian your faith is important to you . (I am too)
Don’t want to sound too preachy but as Christian’s we try to have certain values , love our neighbours, forgiveness, etc …. Could it be you are judging her by your own standards. Is she as strong a Christian and her faith important to her as you say yours is .
She’s treated you badly no doubt about that , but if she’s not got the same Christian thought process , treat others as you want to be treated yourself ,your going to have to suck it up and accept it for what it is and move on, she obs doesn’t care as you do

Is your SiL from a different culture because I had two c-sections, both elected, and no one cared. Not one disparaging remark from anyone ever.

Yeah.

No one gives a shit if the baby came out traditional way or through the sunroof

I can never understand why when choosing godparents people pick family members. If something unexpected happens family would and sould surely step in anyway!

As for this thread OP, I'm quite cynical about the concept of Godparents. I think when you're part of a healthy and close church community they work well. Having people part of your faith life who also take a long term interest in your child's growth is wonderful.

However most people don't have this and Godparents are a familial tit for tat arrangement with people that may not even share any faith. I don't know if it's any comfort to you but there are a lot of disappointed parents with similar situations.

If you havent had the christening Pick new godparents.

Where is your dh in all this?

I'd stop wasting energy in her and focus on your disabled child. I only give weight to opinions of people I respect and I couldnt respect her opinions because she doesnt siind particularly bright if she thinks c sections cause disability

I think you should go and speak to your priest about this mess

I think many people.pick godparents and then the relationships change . I am no longer close to any of the people.i picked snd i feel.a.bit sad when I think about it.

What matters here is trying to.get on with your actual family and letting stuff go so that you can get on

Try not to think about the godparents issue

I agree with this. It's not possible to "remove Godparents" but this is a really commonly searched for question so I suspect that your minister will have counselled parents in your situation before.

For what it's worth unlike some other PP I'll take what you say about your SILs judgements about birth and feeding at face value. Some people are very judgmental about these things and share unsolicited opinions. Other people mean well but are clumsy in their delivery, especially when speaking to someone after a traumatic birth. These things are commonplace.

If my DS’s godmother made unpleasant comments about my cs and lack of bf I would walk away from her. There would be sadness but I could move on. I am a Christian but I would see this as self preservation in an emotional sense.

Lots of us chose godparents carefully but things do not work out as we expected. My two have the same two godparents, who were a married couple who were carefully chosen as people of faith. They divorced when my youngest was in primary school. Their GM has stayed in touch and been wonderful. Their GF disappeared from their lives.

I would reassure you that if you are in a good Church community your DC will be surrounded by wonderful people, perhaps especially junior worship leaders who they will see regularly and learn from.

My DB and I have no godparents. It is not mandatory in my nonconformist tradition and none of my parents’ siblings or friends were regular churchgoers when we were born and my DM made that decision very carefully. I have not felt the lack of godparents at all in my faith journey as there have been many wonderful Christian people in my life. DH on the other hand has godparents and has no faith whatsoever.

Fascinating insight into Christian kindness and tolerance.

A couple of things, we were raised Catholic and it seems that no one I know has an aunt or uncle as a godparent. The belief being that your family will be part of your life anyway and provide good role models (alcoholic domestic abuser in my case) so you choose close friends.

Secondly, if your faith is important to you and you want to stay connected as a family talk to your priest about all of this. After all the Christian message is to forgive.

In this day and age godparents mean nothing, let it go

She was a judgemental piece of work after you were unwell and had your baby.

Perhaps the best time to resolve the situation was not just after she had a baby though? Even if it was a super-duper-easy-peasy birth as you say. Hormones are of course still going to be flying.

What made you think that was a good time to bring this up?

I'd leave it. Get space and accept that things have changed. Seek others supports in your community for your child.

And then after some time has passed, reach out with an olive branch if you want to repair the relationship.

Or, get comfortable with the fact that you can't accept/forgive SILs antiquated views and stay LC/NC.

I don't understand Christianity, so forgive me, but does it really matter who the "official" godparents are? Surround yourselves with people who do care about you; they are the ones who will step up in an emergency. Ignore SIL.

I guess itll be LC or NC since she is super stubborn. How will I navigate family events? Ive been excluded from so much already as they host alot.

We had the christening unfortunately...
My DH is supportive of me but I feel terrible for causing drama

None of my kids godparents have shown a big level of interest. No falling out really either. Our son is disabled and do felt increasingly judged by his side of the family he picked and we just saw them less and less until they got quite frosty and the kids haven't seen them since. Unfortunately being a godparents meant very little after the ceremony. No one steers them in the Christian faith and I wish I'd had a naming party in hindsight

It’s really not unusual to have members of the family you’re not close to. I wouldn’t tbh define it in your head, just don’t initiate contact with her. Do reach out to family members you want to see and maybe host some things?

Your sister in law does not sound very Christian.