Regretting our choice of godparents after family fallout over my daughter

[OpenFinch]

I am feeling really down and looking for some opinions and guidance.
My husband and I chose his brother and his brothers wife as the godparents for our child. We are Christians. It is a decision I took very seriously as my faith is important to me and I want my daughter to have a fulfilled life and godparents who want to see and love her. They had been supportive during the pregnancy and early newborn days. However things took a turn when my baby was diagnosed with a disability and I was admitted to hospital for postpartum depression. My sister in law started saying I caused it by having a c section (i had an emergency, traumatic birth) and not breastfeeding her. She has made alot of upsetting comments. I eventually sent a message explaining how I felt. It was approximately one week after they had their new third baby (in and out of hospital one hour , very easy birth and feeding). I was very calm in the message and only described in terms of my feelings, not talking negatively about her. I requested she not keep bringing up my birth and feeding failures.
Anyway my sister in law didnt take my message kindly and has been recently excluding me from family events. She did not even invite me to her baby's baptism, let alone make me godmother. She told my husband they wanted him as godfather but would not have me. He declined as he though it would hurt me too much. It has indeed hurt me deeply. I feel so much guilt to my daughter for making them her godparents, as it seems lile they will no longer be in our life

People ask about the birth but it doesn't mean they are judging the answer.

I also couldn't have been arsed with someone sending a load of self indulgent nonsense just after I'd given birth. You timed that really badly.

It's not clear from your post if your baby has been christened yet....but has SIL really actually ever been that nice?! Seems strange someone could suddenly turn so mean like that....she sounds like someone who takes your kindness for weakness and understand why you are hurt, but best to cut ties and find better people to be in your daughter's life who will treat her mummy well too.You can't just keep someone there.because they have a certain title.
One of the reasons we chose multiple (5/6) Godparents for our girls was incase some left her life or didn't bother in future - with DD1 who is now 9 , 2 are no longer in her life, and with DD2, we are still in contact with them all but one never really bothers.It is annoying, but it is what is is.

And she didnt time her comments about my birth and feeding poorly?sorry- I replied to wrong poster! But yes I do agree, she was OK to my daughter and husband. when we ran into them at the shops last week. But completely ignored my existence. I dont want my daughter to see me shaken and treated that way.

Hang on, I missed that you messaged her a week after the birth of her third child - you are that same poster! She did exactly the same, after their third DC was born. I know troll hunting isn’t allowed but come on! Just be honest that it’s you again.

It's not always that simple to play 'happy families'....toxic people rarely change.
We cut off DH's brother as him and his wife were very toxic.Yes it's sad our kids don't see our cousins but the parents were just impossible to get on with.

I do not know what you are referring to. Was it a recent post you can link me to? I guess people have babies all the time... and fallout with inlaws.....

How have things been since then? What do you do for things like Christmas?

Her comments sound pretty bad. I'm not surprised you've been feeling like you can't really trust her as a Godmother to your DC.

But I think texting her about it a week after she gave birth was pretty much guaranteed to elicit a negative response and push her further into her negative view of you. What were you trying to achieve?

Whatever she did or didn’t do or say, you would be interpreting it as a slight or an insult. I’m afraid you seem to be totally obsessed.

Focus on your own recovery and your relationship with your baby (and husband). You are in danger of making your SIL the most important person in your life and losing sight of the two who should be - and really are - the most important. Move on.

Post the message

They do but they don't also:

•have their first child via a traumatic C-section
•have a sil who makes comments about breastfeeding and C-sections
•have severe ppd and a disabled baby
•text their SIL one week after she gave birth to their third child.

Yes they do. Not many fall out over SIL’s comments about a c-section birth and a message sent exactly one week after the birth of her third child though. 🤷‍♀️ It’s uncanny… 🙄

The advice is the same: if SIL doesn’t want to make up, there is not a lot you can do.

What are you talking about? This thread is the only one from this OP and her only posts are on this thread.

This, what were the messages and comments?

There have been multiple threads on the exact same topic with exact same details under different user name each time.

Can you provide links to these threads?

😯

just here for the deletion message!

And the poster becomes more and more innocent as the threads change and the SIL more and more awful… which of course changes responses

I had an emergency C-section. When people asked, I said, "It was an emergency C-section." Actually an amazing experience, because whatever anesthetic they gave me I was tripping so high all night after I woke up, it was amazing. Weirdly it's really happy memory. Anyway, people who criticise you for having a C-section can fuck right off. You need it, you get it. The baby and I would both have died without it.

I think they have been deleted or were in 30 days only. Last one was a month or so ago. So many of us recognise the details.

Of course people can post as much as they want, but it’s frustrating because OP won’t take any of the well-meaning advice on board and is obsessive about the SIL.

I’m not sure how the conversations have played out and I’m sure you have a right to be hurt, but you’ve handled this badly. Surely there would have been opportunity to tell her how hurtful she was being while she was making the comments, in person? Instead - despite saying how supportive she was to you during pregnancy and the newborn days - you’ve sent her a message to pick a bone with her one week after she’s had a baby. That’s not a reasonable thing to do.

i read all the other ones as well - if they aren’t the same poster, they are extraordinarily similar.

The advice remains the same, she doesn’t want a relationship with the OP, and, sending her a message 1 week after she had a baby, was a poor decison. Leave DH to have his own relationship with her

Wise words. Unfortunately our emotions tend to follow our thoughts. I'm not a Christian but had to go to church as a child.
There are lots of words that Jesus said that can help with love and forgiveness. Write them down, put them where you can see them and repeat again and again and again. You'll get there.

This has nothing to do with your daughter and your SIL being a godparent.

You have now admitted you saw her last week and she was polite to your husband and daughter, just ignored you.

If you really are a Christian then you’ll be able to move on, not judge and be tolerant. Use some of those qualities.

Godparents mean precisely nothing in a child’s life.

You’re obviously the one who needs more therapy to sort out your own problems.

Regardless of whether you have or have not posted before, it's probably a good idea to ask yourself the question, "What outcome do I want from the current situation in which I unfortunately find myself?"

If it is to have no contact with your brother and sister-in-law anymore, just carry on having nothing to do with them. If it is for your husband to cut contact with his brother, that's very unlikely to happen, so you'll need to find a way to make your peace with that. If it's to reconcile with your brother and sister-in-law, then make a plan with your husband how to approach that. Possibly using some kind of joint mediation service from an official at your church?

You'll probably feel more in control of things if you know what your desired outcome is and can make a positive plan to achieve it.