Should I tell my mum about father's OW?

[Macinae]

My dad has had two affairs with two different women (that I know of) and both times I was the one who found out and told my mum, which was very difficult. She chose to stay with him both times, I think out of convenience, as I know they're both unhappy. First time was around 2018, second was 2021. Both times my dad said he broke it off. This brings me to present day: I noticed that my dad and the first OW are friends on social media and are liking each others pictures as recently as the last few days. She has also been keeping tabs on me as I can see she's viewed my stories on social media from the last few days too even though we aren't friends (my story was inadvertently set to public instead of just friends, but I decided to keep it this way just to see how much she's looking at my profile).

My question is: given that neither time I've told my mum she's done anything with the info, should I not tell her what's going on this time? Even if he's not seeing her now, why is he friends on social media with the woman he had an affair with? I'm extremely close with my mum, not close with my dad so my loyalty is definitely to her, but would I be helping her by telling her or not? I'm also feeling fed up with my dad putting me in this position, but hate to think of my mum being in the dark. As adult DC to our parents, at what point do we just mind our business?

@Macinae
I presume back in 2018 and 2021 - your dad had actual physical affairs?
And your mother chose to stay. Now it is 2026. It is almost 10 years since the first affair came to light.

Do you even know if your mom cares about your father's social media clicks and likes? I know for the younger generation it seems really important, but I am older and for me - I really can't be bothered with what (or who) my partner likes on SM.

All you have is likes on Instagram? I am sorry - bit this is juvenile. It's not a proof of an affair.

Why are you even stalking your father's social media? I'd think it were strange if a spouse monitored her partner's SM. I find it even more weird that an adult child is doing it to her father. You really need to get out of your parent's marriage.

If you must - talk to your father and tell him what you've seen online. Ask if anything is happening with that woman. This is more important - to understand what is happening with him, what he is thinking. If he is in fact thinking about leaving - this would be important to find out.

Telling your mom about your suspicions would serve no purpose. She already chose to stay - and that was when she was younger, and when there were actual affairs. What outcome do you hope for now?

The only thing you'll achieve by rocking that boat is to hurt your mom by making her face something she CHOSE to overlook.
Why would you do it if you say you are close to her?????

Don't use the younger generation - "she deserves to know" - she ALREADY KNOWS. Has known since 2018. And made her decision. Let her have her life and her dignity.

.

100% this ⬆️

Were you already an adult the other times you told her?

Has anything fundamentally changed since you last told her, e.g. her children have now grown up and left home?

I'd block the OW and defriend your dad. You have contact with him anyway, you don't need him on SM.

Stop with the online detective work.

Your mum knows he's an unfaithful man. If she wants to leave, make it clear you'd support her. If she wants to stay, well, it's her choice.

Tell your Mum. What she does with that information is up to her.

She might have stayed the previous two times but this might be the straw that breaks the camels back for her (ending a marriage is a process) and if you don't tell her what you know, you risk robbing her of that decision.

When my XH cheated I stayed with him initially (we had a newborn baby) which frustrated the hell out of my friends, when he resumed his affair I ended it.
It was a process for me to get my head around what was going on and get stronger.

@Lugol
This has already happened. OP's mom was told in 2018. Then again in 2021.
This is not the same as a younger woman facing an affair - where you can divorce and then - if you want - meet another person to get old with. When you are in your 30s and 40s - you have a different outlook on life and relationships.

But OP's mom made a decision to stay in her 50s. And she is now in her mid 60s - and she definitely does not look at her relationship and her life the same way as you did when your H had an affair.

Most women would struggle if their H has an affair when you have a baby.

But this is not at all the same when you are much older. Relationships and priorities do change.

OP's repeated involvement in monitoring her father is unhealthy. Did her mother ask her to do it? What is the real motivation for OP to be doing it - is that more because OP disagrees with her mother's choice to stay?

And to re-iterate - all OP can say to her mother is that she noticed likes on internet. This is not the same as - I know he is having an affair again.

What a horrible situation for you to be in @Macinae . You've had suggestions about your mum. I would probably let your dad know that once again he is being indiscreet in with his extramarital activities and that you will not hide anything on his behalf so he should be more careful. Can you block him on all social media? Would you think about accessing therapy yourself? It's really unfair of BOTH of your parents to put you in this situation x

I would tell her - it may be the straw which breaks the camel’s back sort of thing. She has a right to know.

I would be worried about my mum and have an honest conversation with her. Don't tell her about what you already know, but say the previous events have been troubling you and ask her whether she is planning to stay with your dad, no matter what - do they have an open relationship, even if that's one-sided? Also, get clarification of whether she'd like to know if he was having another affair, and also what she'd do if it happened - if she'd want to leave but felt she couldn't (for whatever reason), could you offer any practical help? That way, you'll know whether to tell her. If she's happy turning a blind eye, then tell your dad to stop being so blatant! And then... lots of therapy for you. My DS is at uni with a girl who has known here dad is having an affair for years. He knows she knows and has told her not to tell her mum as it would 'ruin her life' (the bastard). So his friend now avoids going home... poor kid.

I was going to say something along the same lines.

OP, you can never know what goes on behind closed doors in any couples relationship (particularly your parents).
Your dad could have chosen to leave your mum if he was that fond of OW no.1 he didn’t and neither did your mum on either occasion. You really don’t have much to go on aside from the other woman liking and watching posts on social media. I know a couple who have been together nearly 50 odd years and the general consensus is that the male in the marriage is gay. Yet he has stayed in marriage. The wife must know.. she stayed too. Kids are old enough to want them their parents to be happy - even if dad chose to come out now but they are together and living life as they did before. Only they know why and everyone else just need to respect their choices. Just out of curiosity how on earth did you find out about your dads affairs???

I would just tell her about them being in contact again and let her decide what to do. Let her see the socials you never know what she might do but I couldn’t let my mum not know as it’s disrespectful and unfair to be in the dark about something that will affect her the most.

But saying nothing is robbing this woman of the opportunity to make her own mind up about her marriage.

It's not for us nor OP to decided what's best for her.

Knowledge is power and it's her marriage not ours.

The fact that she's older makes it even more imperative that she is armed with the facts and doesn't waste another day of her life giving second or third chances to the sexually incontinent cheat she is married to.

If she wants to stay and put up with that shit fair enough, but she needs the facts to be able to have that autonomy over her own life.