Was I wrong to go for a meal with male gym friends?

[BeRubyMaker]

Hi, just wondered if anyone please had any opinion on the situation below which is causing friction between husband and me. I was invited to a meal out from our gym with male friends only who are all about 10 years older married/widowed and have been out on Christmas meet up previously with them. I was invited and went, then husband is super annoyed as he found it was all men went. Nothing untoward at all it was simply a meet up meal with people I’ve been with before to a local restaurant and was not doing anything else that evening I asked my friend she said just go what’s the problem. Any opinions I feel awful it has upset him but thought nothing of it at the time. 😥now I’m really upset as he has hardly spoke to me for days as says it’s weird going out with only all male friends. Help I do not know how to handle this.

Silent treatment in this way is gaslighting you into thinking you are in the wrong, designed to control you by making you conform to behaviours that keep him happy. Then made to feel like you somehow have to make it up to him. Theres probably a lot more going on there, but to ignore you, on your birthday is just sad.

Nonsense. When you attempt to placate someone who is punishing you by a particular behaviour, you are rewarding that behaviour. She should continue her life as usual, the way you would with a misbehaving child. Reward toddler tantrums with attention, you get more of them, because you’ve shown them it works.

I’d always imagine if the roles were reversed how would you feel.

I go out for food/drinks with the people from my martial arts club. Thinking about it, it’s sometimes just men except for me. It has never crossed my mind that I might have to run this past DH to check whether he would be ok with it, and if he ever ignored me for days because I went for a curry with Colin, Clive and Barry and chatted to them about our shared interest in Muay Thai I would divorce him.

I would equally have no issue with my DH socialising with a group of women, if they were his hobby friends. I’d be more worried if he were going for meals with a singular woman (context depending)

Nothing wrong at all IMO although I am sure if it had been the other way round people would have criticised him (for going out with 10 other women).

You mean, imagine myself subjecting my husband to days of silent treatment and completely ignoring his birthday because he went out with ten women he knows from the gym, all of whom are ten years or more older than him and married or widowed? And if he leaves my side in a pub to talk to another guy he knows, I phone him and tell him he needs to come back at once?

I’m struggling to imagine thinking that is a mo4mal way to behave.

Plus it was my birthday yesterday and he never spoke to me apart from me saying I was sorry

He’s abusive. There’s absolutely no excuse for this. Leave him.

I mean, would the OP be ok with her husband going out with 10 female friends from the gym. If she is ok with it then he shouldn’t have a problem with her doing it either. There are boundaries in a marriage and if you feel as though you’d be fine with him doing the same then there should be no problem and he is bu for giving op the silent treatment. I hope that’s clear.

You can always count on someone from mumsnet picking an argument with someone in the comments!

I am horrified by this thread OP - in no way should he be concerned by you socialising with a group ohms men and in no universe should he be refusing to communicate with you over multiple days . As for not speaking to you on your birthday - show this conversation to your husband and ask him to DM me - I'll tell him a few feckin hone truths about control and reasonable behaviour

YANBU, I’ve not read the full thread but has me managed to articulate WHY he has such a bee in his bonnet?

Not speaking to you for days is immature and unattractive.

Husband being over sensitive and jealous. Sounds like he does not trust you. I work in an industry that's mostly women and go out for social events when I am the only male. Not an issue at all

His feelings are totally invalid. This is offensively stupid advice.

Poppycock. Not all feelings are “valid”, despite what people say these days. You sound like the sort of person who always gives into a toddler tantrum.

Would it bother you if he met up with a group of friends when he felt like it?

Those castigating are utter sexist fuck wits though.

Just to make that clear.

Maybe it might worth asking your friend why she thinks he’s controlling. I bet there’s loads of other stuff you haven’t mentioned here, that you have been trained by him to accept as normal.

He rings you in a pub to come over to him!! Oh OP he’s definitely trained you “well” over the last 10 years.

Disrespectful?? Don’t be a loon, you’re as bad as OP’s husband.

He should express his opinion.in an adult way and not be sulking for days. I'm not insecure in a relationship but probably would not like it if a partner went out with 10 women. I would not however give the cold shoulder treatment- unacceptable.

Has there been a surge in men on here?

God some of these comments……. Anyway ignoring someone / giving them the cold shoulder/ sulking is an ABUSIVE tactic. I’m guessing this isn’t the first time. To do this over your birthday is particularly cruel and I’m guessing is not the first time he’s made that day about him . Has he actually spoken to you now ? I’m so bloody minded I would be entering the phase of “ Hell would freeze over” before I would be doing anymore apologising or placating. I would very much be getting on with my life at full throttle so if I were you I’d plan a couple of days out with friends to avoid him and maybe give thought to whether this is the relationship for you.

Thanks to you all for the further comments much appreciated it’s great to have all your opinions. I add he goes for (admittedly) work meals with staff who all girls I have no problem at all with this. Now some days have passed hey presto he was absolutely fine yesterday back to normal! I didn’t go along with it but was polite but I could tell he was making an effort. I will it have it out with him at the right moment but I don’t want to dredge everything up again but am so angry at his behaviour.

Keep hold of that anger. Tell him that the next time he tries this bullshit, you will walk away from the relationship.

Absolutely my point, thank you