Got upset and emailed ex — how to rescue situation?

[CherryPizza]

I’m in a bit of a mess. Background is I’m divorced and have been with someone nice (not living together) for a year and a half.

When I first got divorced I got together with my one who got away for a year or so but it was too soon and especially he was not ready. Recently he came to find me and say sorry for how he behaved. I was surprised but glad he’d apologised and we had a brief hug to make up except it was obvious feelings remained. I became quite upset last night and emailed him saying I couldn’t bear to have more unresolved feeling and would like to have a chat to know if he wanted it to ever be a thing, or could we say goodbye to it forever, and I explained about my relationship.

This morning I feel even worse. I shouldn’t have sent it. I’d be so upset if my boyfriend had sent such a thing. I’m happy with someone who treats me well. Can I just brush it under the carpet do you think? I can’t recall it, but can I just chalk it up to confusion and a mistake?

If you want to be with your boyfriend then block the ex on everything and put him out of your mind.

If you aren't sure if current bloke is the 'one', then set him free and start dating or exploring seeing other people over the current relationship has ended.

I think those are the two options really

Thanks. I do want to stay with my current boyfriend. I don’t especially want to tell him about this though and am ashamed.

it was obvious feelings remained
On his part or yours?
If you want to stay with your current boyfriend, block this other man and give your head a wobble.
You can't have your cake and eat it.

I couldn’t bear to have more unresolved feeling
Your feelings or his?

The way to resolve your feelings, about anyone, is by yourself, within yourself, or else with a counsellor or perhaps a wise neutral friend.
You don't resolve your feelings about a person by talking to the other person involved, that just muddies things further.

Pay attention to feelings of being ashamed - that is your conscience guiding you.

That’s correct advice @StandingDeskDisco, I know I did the wrong thing. I just want it to go away. All I know is that I was extremely happy with the ex. If I look at photos from that time it is all over my face I am brimming with joy and look like the real me. I suppose it’s that I miss
more than anything.

Also I think I’m quite naive. I thought just hearing him say that it’s definitely over and he wished me well would solve things. But I see now of course that is ridiculous.

How are you going to respond if 'the one who got away' agrees to meet you for a chat?

If you’re not the real you with your current partner then I think that’s your answer ☺️

let’s flip it, just say your ex did email back and said there’s still feelings or there is a chance to go back, would you? If the answer is yes then you know your current partner isn’t the one for you.

Maybe you need some time by yourself to figure things out x

So this is a guy who twice now it’s failed to work out. Have you honestly reflected on why that is?

You said he wasn’t ready? Did he break it off you? It’s not worth giving more airtime to men who have dumped you. You’re just opening yourself up to more time wasting

I can imagine if a woman was on here saying her boyfriend had done what you did, we would all be saying LTB. What you did was appalling and unfair on your boyfriend. We all make mistakes, but if you have unrequited feelings maybe you should take a break and heal (probably from your divorce) rather than potentially hurt someone.

Harsh but fair and true.

I think it is that ex is a perfect match for me, but he isn’t interested in having a relationship (and wasn’t).

I am myself with my new boyfriend it’s just ex was an old old friend so there’s a lot of familiarity there.

I want to be over it and a line to be drawn. I’m just going about it wrong. I was upset and did the wrong thing.

I know it was this bad. What should I do? Am I supposed to tell him? Can I just block and move on? I hate that the email even exists.

If you're happy with this new guy, why do you need to know if the ex wanted to be with you forever?

I want to be over it and by and large had decided on my own, but what I’m saying is I got upset last night and weakly emailed. Now I wish I hadn’t, how do I repair things.

I just need some advice on how to keep things healthy and how to cope with not being able to retract the email.

Hopefully it’s gone into his spam or you won’t get a reply then you can just forget about it.

I wouldn’t tell your current partner unless you’re willing to risk him saying it’s over (if my partner told me this I’d be done). Maybe rethink the relationship you currently have. I couldn’t imagine still thinking about an ex a year and a half into a relationship? Maybe it’s normal I don’t know.

Try not to be driven by shame, which is not a particularly helpful emotion; it tends to prevent you from acknowledging not just the things you've done which you're rather you hadn't, but also the perfectly reasonable emotions and feelings which were the motivations for your actions. You've hardly overstepped the mark. Do you have a trusted friend you can talk to? You need to explore your feelings, without self-judgement, or judgement from anyone else.

Thank you @LochSunart. Not really, all my oldest friends know the ex in question but do not know we had a relationship (we are the only two who live in the same city of an old friend group). I have a therapist though thank god.

@CherryPizza It's good that you have a therapist. There you go - that's what you're going to talk about in your next session!

I have questions such as, "How strong is your attraction to your ex?" and then some questions about your current relationship, but they're things you've probably already considered yourself. I'm sure your therapist can help you. We all have moments of weakness and the problem is that, with today's various means of instant communication, it's far too easy to act on them!

BTW, I'm M58: I'm just telling you that in case you prefer to interact only with women here, which I would understand. A bit of background, though: my wife had an affair, many years ago, and I think her sense of guild and shame meant that she struggled to discuss the reasons for it which, in the long run, wasn't good for us, even though I wouldn't have wanted to hear them at the time.

You obviously don’t want to be with your boyfriend if you’re doing things like this & pining after a ex. End the relationship it’s not fair on him.

If you sent that message, I would say you're not sure about your current boyfriend, as at some level you are/were hoping that the ex would say 'You know, I adore you, and have only just realised it, on receipt of this email. Come right over and leave your underwear off...'

@LochSunart thanks for being open, it seems ok to me. There’s really nothing wrong with my current relationship. In many ways it’s the best I’ve had— I love him.

I think I’m just still coping with the fact that my relationship with ex ended for reasons that made no sense to me at the time. He said he didn’t want to get involved in something so deep after we’d both just got divorced, and in apologising recently said his feelings about it overwhelmed him. It was quite emotional really. We first liked each other when we were 16 and awkward best friends. That is why I find it has sent me into a state.

I am usually on board with moving on and am happy with my current setup. I would ideally like to close these long sad feelings down.

I think moments of weakness and reflection and regret are normal - especially when things end for non-catastrophic reasons like timing and distance and things like that.

Obviously you know you shouldn’t be initiating contact with your ex and inviting conversations about the possibility of pursuing something together in the future but I feel your need to have closure on that chapter.

It isn’t fair on your current partner if it goes beyond a moment of getting lost down memory lane though. That’s it now, line drawn and no more. This is an ex who elected not to be with you twice - don’t idealise this relationship in your mind and make it more than it was just because it’s over now

I think you need to think about why you don't feel like the "real me" with your current boyfriend.
is there something about your current relationship that worries you?
Or could you be looking at the past through rose coloured spectacles?

Presumably you broke up for a reason... has time dulled your perception of why you broke up?

Did you feel that your feelings on the reunion were equal?
If you were really happy with your current boyfriend - would you have made these approaches to your ex.
You say he's "nice" almost as if that's boring. But its actually a plus.

I think its easy for people to be "everything" and fully switched on if things are a novelty, or for a short period of time. Like going on holiday.. day to day life can sometimes be a bit hum drum. But maybe Hum drum is necessary as we can't live on a permanent high and things sometimes just need to get done.

No need to answer these questions on here BTW... just raising them as things to consider.

A pp said that you can only resolve your feelings yourself.. and I agree with that.