Husband confiding in younger gym friend and insulting me behind my back

[GymAffair]

Husband and I have been together for years. Married 14 years, together about 10 years before that. Two children. He started going to the gym, was looking better losing weight and looking after himself. He has a group of friends there who I don’t know but I was initially upset when he told me that he’d shown them a picture of me and they’d told him I was ‘punching’. He said this wasn’t a dig at me, just a compliment to him.
anyway, he’s been glued to his phone for a while. I know I shouldn’t have but I had a look today and it was open on some messages from a girl from this group (I don’t know how old she is- maybe late 20s and he is 41). The messages go back months and it’s full of voice notes to and from each other. In fairness, a lot of it is gym related, they obviously train together. But there are quite a few messages from him about me which are all slagging me off ‘my miserable fucking wife’ amongst other things. He’s told her our sex life is miserable (I mean, it isn’t great, but why tell this woman?).
i feel so betrayed. I confronted him and he said he has HAD to confide in someone as he is unhappy. I feel so miserable, why did he have to confide in this woman? If it’s harmless, why is it all in secret? Why would he be so nasty about me to a stranger.

The bar is practically on the ground for men.
I honestly could not forgive my dh if he slagged me off to another woman the way OP’s dh has
It is obvious that he wants to shag this young woman .
Also the way he criticises OP’s appearance because he now thinks that he looks like Brad Pitt
I bet that no one told him that you were ‘punching’ He thinks that you are punching .
I don’t know what you are going to do Op but I wish you the best of luck .

@Lampzade i agree that noone said the OP was punching.
The delightful prick imagined that conversation alongside his fantasy lusty sessions with his much younger 'gym friend.'
In reality its likely hes always been punching in life and his relationship given his recent egotistical reaction to losing a few pounds.

Oh, this sounds like it really hurts. Finding those words about yourself — from him, of all people — is the kind of thing that knocks the wind out of you, and it makes complete sense that you're reeling.

And I think it hurts on more than one level. There's the words themselves, which would sting coming from anyone, let alone him. But underneath that there's something bigger, isn't there — the sense that there's a version of your marriage happening somewhere you're not part of, with someone who isn't you.

That's the part I'd gently sit with. Not to work out who's right, or to police the friendship, but to understand what he might be finding in those chats that he hasn't been able to bring to you. That feels to me like where the real conversation is.

@GymAffair how are things faring at home?

Well, he was very apologetic but his apologies were always followed by 'but'. I pointed out that a genuine apology doesn't need 'but excuse' afterwards and he finally understood. He thinks that an apology means all is forgiven. I have explained that I have heard his apology but need more time to process my feelings. He was honestly gobsmacked when I asked him to sleep downstairs again. He was in tears. I think that whatever happens, I am going in strongly here with really drumming it in that this was unacceptable.
He attempted to be a perfect husband last night- made me dinner, put his phone away. But that's one day, it needs to be a bit more consistent.
He has explained that he was trying to get 'in' with this group (this woman is 23!!!) And now he feels ridiculous. He has acknowledged that if he needs to vent/get advice, it would probably be more acceptable to do with with one of his actual friends rather than bitching about me to this group of strangers.
I acknowledge that I am not without fault in some of this- to me; our sex drives are not matched and I feel that 1-2 a week is acceptable to me and I haven't really heard his side. But it was preciously once a month (if that) when the kids were little so I do think I have changed as much as I can. Having sex more than 1-2 times per week just isn't easy when our lives are so busy.

I think it's quite sad that you are seeing yourself at fault here OP.

If he wasn't happy with your sex life then it should have been YOU he was talking to about it. It should have been a discussion between YOU and him about how you both could address this.

The fact that his solution to something he felt was wrong in his marriage was to try and get close to a 23 year old woman is totally unacceptable. And the fact him trying to get close to this woman involved him denigrating and disrespecting you, his life partner, is a total betrayal of you and his marriage.

Please don't think you are responsible in any way for his behaviour.

Noooo OP, whatever was going on in your relationship is a 50/50 responsibility between him and you. His 50% contribution wasn’t perfect either I’ll warrant, you have examined your part in your relationship. Fair enough. This is, however, a totally, completely separate issue. This is all his choice, he didn’t have to do this in response to his gripes, therefore 100% his responsibility and 100% his bad. NONE of this is your fault. If he had no choice then that would be different but he had a choice to pursue her and this ridiculous group of idiots or not to. He chose to. He had a choice whether or not to disrespect you by slagging you off to a younger woman and make hideous claims about you, but he chose to. He wasn’t forced or ensnared or coerced to, he chose to.
You are not to blame for his choices. Ever!
Relationship issues are shared responsibilities and both of you own your 50% of that. But your choices in handling it are yours alone, accept no blame in his choices, attribute no fault to yourself for his choices.
He chose it, it was his responsibility not to, not yours. He chose it, he owns it, he accepts full responsibility and he apologises unreservedly (there went the ‘but’ word) and makes changes to prove to you that he is sincere. Reset button now, he can’t just go back to his phone, early and late shifts at the gym and the long, odd hours dog walking either. He asks you if it’s convenient for him to go to the gym, he tells you when and how long and asks if this is ok and if it isn’t yet because it’s too raw, too bad, Mr Universe aka Brad Pitt can do a work out with the Tesco shop and the bloody Hoover.

His explanation is pathetic. Trying to get in with the in crowd by insulting you makes no sense. Why would him having a boring sex life make him more popular? And he's 50% responsible for that too, it's not all on you.
Crying when you told him to sleep downstairs is just pure self pity. If you're that boring and ugly why would he care anyway? Not that you are, obviously!
He sounds very immature and needy as well as disloyal. That is really not attractive. If the "gym version" of him is a permanent development not just a fad then I'd be having a good think about whether I can put up with that long term. Having a constant drain on your self-confidence is not a good thing really.

Where did I say I was telling people my ex was useless and rubbish in bed? And the relationship being over was not through me (or her) gossiping to others, combo of growing apart, not investing time in each other and her cheating. Which was a big factor in the first two.

Ok, this is an anonymous site, but plenty of people on here come here to criticise partners, sex life etc. And knowing conversations previous wife/GF have had with their friends, moaning about about husbands seemed to be pretty common. Ok, granted, much of the time it was stuff like too much time running, too many nights down pub but it would go to being bloody useless at various things including sex.

I have said that what he said (the way he said it) was out of order. I would not have said it like that. I may have said sex was not happening as often as I would like or that its not as good as I like but the point in me saying that would be to get some advice on how to improve it.

He really isn’t nice, why would he tell you about them saying you were punching, just to boost his ego and doesn’t care how it makes you feel.
Also to your face there wasn’t a problem in the marriage, the first you heard is through the younger woman. Because again he is an arse that needs to boost his esteem by knocking you down, he’s trying to invite her to flirt or have an affair by saying he’s not happy at home, not because it’s true, he’s just a selfish twat who thinks he now deserves more female attention for going to the gym, not appreciating the amazing wife and mother he has in front of him. Time to show him you don’t need him!

You are perfectly correct, you need more time to procesd your feelings.
Hes lucky you didnt throw him out so should be relieved to be sleeping on the sofa. I wouldnt want him in bed with me. Hes hurt you deeply.
Could.you show him.this thread? The entitlement following his behaviour will just make this more complex for you. He should be grovelling.
You are being very strong. Dont fall for his tears they are for himself not you.
Personally id tell him hes only still in tbe house as you need time to make a decision about your relationship. During this time you shouldnt have to deal witn the extra financial and practical burden that would fall to yoi if you asked him to leave. Hes caused enough problems and stress for you..
What gets me about weak people who behave like he did, they sail along whilst saying sorry expecting instant forgiveness whilst your in pain questioning everything including yourself.
You wont recover from this for a long time no matter your decision..Even if you forgive him you wont forget.
.

You said you and your ex had vented to others about your partner being useless and lazy and sex being rubbish in literally your first paragraph.

Contemptuous venting about a partner is not normal, it’s a sign a relationship is on the rocks. You might have heard people do it, but those people are in bad relationships (and not helping them by talking to others). There’s a line as well. If a partner was having a moan to a mate that my hobby took up too much time, I could live with it; if he were telling a mate I was shit in bed, I’d free him up to find someone else to have sex with.

There’s a major fucking difference between going to an anonymous forum for advice on a relationship you’re not happy in (usually done because it’s not the sort of thing people feel comfortable discussing with anyone they know!) and moaning about your sex life and wife in general to a 23-year-old that you met a few months ago and who you have made no secret of finding attractive. Do you seriously think those two situations are comparable? It sounds like you just want to let this guy off the hook for treating his wife like shit.