Husband confiding in younger gym friend and insulting me behind my back

[GymAffair]

Husband and I have been together for years. Married 14 years, together about 10 years before that. Two children. He started going to the gym, was looking better losing weight and looking after himself. He has a group of friends there who I don’t know but I was initially upset when he told me that he’d shown them a picture of me and they’d told him I was ‘punching’. He said this wasn’t a dig at me, just a compliment to him.
anyway, he’s been glued to his phone for a while. I know I shouldn’t have but I had a look today and it was open on some messages from a girl from this group (I don’t know how old she is- maybe late 20s and he is 41). The messages go back months and it’s full of voice notes to and from each other. In fairness, a lot of it is gym related, they obviously train together. But there are quite a few messages from him about me which are all slagging me off ‘my miserable fucking wife’ amongst other things. He’s told her our sex life is miserable (I mean, it isn’t great, but why tell this woman?).
i feel so betrayed. I confronted him and he said he has HAD to confide in someone as he is unhappy. I feel so miserable, why did he have to confide in this woman? If it’s harmless, why is it all in secret? Why would he be so nasty about me to a stranger.

He’s absolutely fishing for an affair, if this one goes nowhere, he will find another woman up for it and just repeat the same nonsense. He is clearly moving his narrative to ‘wife is terrible’ he’ll soon be pulling the ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ crap!

But tbh I couldn’t get over the way he’s already spoken about you. All his justification in the world doesn’t justify his level of cruelty and disrespect. I actually think this is worse. I couldn’t be in the same room as someone with that much disdain for me.

You are worth far more than this nasty pos. If you stay it will be death by a thousand cuts. You deserve better.

Bet he’s happy to let you do all his miserable domestic work

He’s happy to wear the clothes you miserably wash
Eat what you miserably cook
Happy to leave the kids being miserably looked after

So he’s gone to the gym a bit and now thinks he’s god’s gift to younger women, I mean who wouldn’t want a 40+ man with a wife and kids who slags off the woman looking after his house and kids while he sleazes his way around a sweaty gym. What a catch! Form a queue gym bunnies.

He’s not going to start being nice to you he doubled down when you saw it, told you you are a miserable cow and clearly indicated his gym god status is now more important.

He would have less time for the gym if he had to face the kids 50/50, and do all his own housework, shopping, cleaning. Wonder if he will feel such a god hanging out his grotty underwear at the weekend.

He had to, HAD TO, confide in someone, but that someone wasn’t a man in a similar life position who might’ve been able to offer some applicable advice was it? It was a tight, young female. Come on @GymAffair.

I would work out how you can leave, not saying you will, but present him with the most fair split if divorce is where you end up, by his actions and attitude.

My Dh can be miserable (so can I!) but I cannot imagine having a conversation about that with people in the gym.

Even without physical cheating, that is a shit way for him to behave @GymAffair

Of course he has justification in his mind 🙄.
He could have confided in a trained counsellor for an objective view, but no. He chose a woman a decade younger than him, from a social group that wouldn't criticise him.

When those friends said you were "punching" he should have disagreed with them.
Loyalty to his spouse hasn't been his strong suit.

Oh dear, yes he’s trying to get with her and using the my wife doesn’t understand me routine to do so, so lame. And then blaming you is abhorrent, that he’s not even man enough to own it.

im sorry I’d be out, there is no way I could stay with a man who is actively trying to cheat on me, and using me as the weapon to enable it.

This is so disrespectful and cliche mid life crisis. He doesn't deserve you at all.

OP he needs a dose of reality, I'd honestly separate immediately. Let reality hit him in the face, it'll stop his ridiculous minimising too. Saying what he did in those messages about you is a revolting deal breaker and he needs to face up to what hes done.

He needs to know what he's lost, so either he will wise up very fast and sort himself out...or he will try his new life and discover the grass is most certainly not greener - but you'll have been saved a lot of flip flopping and gaslighting.

Just posted then read up the thread @frozendaisy .

We started from a similar point but the way you've laid things out is right on.

" I mean who wouldn’t want a 40+ man with a wife and kids who slags off the woman looking after his house and kids while he sleazes his way around a sweaty gym"
None of @GymAffair husband's new friends are calling him out, because they have the same values.

The way someone talks about others can reveal so much.

I'll always side-eye any man who complains about his "crazy ex" for example.

Whether he is shagging her or not, the disloyalty is awful. I don’t think it’s unusual to confide in a close friend if you are having relationship troubles but WHY do men like this always pick the fit young woman from the gym? It’s never 65 yr old Brenda from accounts (who, with a life time of experience might actually be able to give some good advice) or his Dad, is it?

I think pp is right. He’s met someone he fancies….so begins the script. He finds fault with YOU to justify HIS actions. It is how he deals with the cognitive dissonance between his own values (I don’t cheat) and his own desires (I want to cheat) The problem is, this is often sub conscious. He doesn’t consciously think….i fancy someone else, so I must find reasons not to like my wife, it’s a sub conscious response to mental discomfort.
All that said, he knows somewhere in him that what he is doing is totally out of order. Personally, I’d be asking him how he’d feel if I was doing that? Telling some fit bloke down the gym that DH was a crap shag? Would he be ok with that??

Agree. When I was in my twenties I had various men attempt to whine to me about their wives. I gave them short shrift.

Anyone who plays along with a man doing the whole "my wife is awful so please have sex with me" act is an amoral idiot.

I would call it an emotional affair. He has brought another woman into your marriage, by confiding in her about the state of your marriage. It has shown that there is vulnerability in your marriage!! If he wasn't telling you about this budding friendship, it is another form of lying, he is witholding information! It happened to me, he walked out, and low and behold, a few months later he was dating the woman!

Started going to the gym, taking care of his appearance, goes very early to the gym and walks the dog late. Gets mentionitis about a woman ten years younger at said gym to whom he said insulting things about you and she lets him. Now says he’s unhappy in his marriage but doesn’t seem worried about that and doesn’t seem to want to do anything to improve things. Goes on his phone constantly , even when you’re talking to him, practically ignores you. Reacts to your complaints with frustration and scorn.
There’s not much left on the list of “signs your spouse is having an affair” are there?
If he isn’t, he’s about to. If he isn’t about to because he can’t get this woman over the line yet, he’s trying as hard as he bloody well could.
Sorry OP but this isn’t so much walking and looking like a duck, it’s quacking its bloody head off.
Look at the facts at face value and don’t unpick or minimise or ‘nah, it can’t be… “ any of it. He’s already crossed more lines than The Orient Express.

Which are fine with friends but not to a stranger on a forum who is obviously upset
OP, it sounds like the only reason he is not shagging this woman is because she isn't interested and maybe the next one he tries will be
Also if my DH spoke about me like that to anyone, male or female, I would be absolutely livid

I know this is extremely serious for OP and i'm not trying to minimise that at all but I really did enjoy the eloquence of your post @Thewookiemustgo
and couldnt help but smile at your quacking duck and Orient Express imagery.

When will men ever learn that slagging off your wife and mother of your children is so crass, off-putting, unkind and disloyal. Even if he's interested in her then saying those things would be enough for me, he could of offloaded to his friends or, better still, spoken to you or a counsellor. He's blaming you and being defensive because he's a shit and knows it was a nasty thing to do. I'd seriously reconsider if I wanted to stay with someone who has so little respect for me.

His behaviour demonstrates that he has basically checked out of the marriage. You deserve much better than this.
Hope you’ve got support in RL .

Yes and he may be making a fool of himself with someone who is not interested in what he might have in mind

He's nasty OP and you shouldn't play this down. How dare he slag you off to ANYONE in that way, rather than the fit young female at the gym. Nasty.

I wouldn't tolerate this, and I hope you don't either. Calling you that and then having sex with you?! URGH, nope. Nasty.

Have the deeper conversation, tell him to work on where his fucking loyalty lies.

So no-one on here has vented off to a friend about how useless their partner/husband/wife is? Or how sex is rubbish, or they are lazy etc. I have, and know my ex did too. Thats normal isn't it?

The issue seems to be that he is 40s and she is late 20s so that must mean affair!

I am a guy and while my best mates are all guys (beer, football etc) my closest friends have been female. One of my closest has been someone I have known on and off for some 30 years. I have no interest in getting in her pants, but have told her more than anyone about relationships, what's going wrong/right and general advice. I will tell her I am not happy with x.

I am sure most of us have done the same with a friend, no matter if they have known each other 6 months or 30 years, male or female. A friend of my other half is always on the phone to her moaning about her relationship.

Would I tell my other half a friend thought she was punching, no I wouldn't. So yeah, he has been out of order there but the OP is snooping through his phone!

Sounds like he could have read "The Dead Bedroom Fix" Op or some other manosphere content. Many advocate getting fit and focusing their energy on themselves; unfortunately, while doing this, none are really addressing the factors that contributed to their partner feeling disconnected in the first place. and gym time taking more time from family time

I doubt he's done anything yet, but a combination of frustration and his newfound confidence/hotness, then his head could be easily turned. He could also be sad that the attention he is getting is not felt at home.

Sounds like it could be a good moment to get back on track or the end.

No. Some aspects of a relationship should be private. And certainly when it comes to friendship with much younger women it's a gross boundary violation to whine about your sex life

(Also, just Fyi, when I was in my 20s and very attractive I thought the men who tried to whine about their wives to me were idiots. Any self respecting woman wants an unattached man)

Well done! I didn't have the confidence in my 20's to be blunt to such men, but I was never interested in them.

Now if one started with that BS, I'd tell them "I'm not interested". Even if they wanted to complain without sexspectations, it's not the responsibility of any woman to be their free therapist.

I cannot understand being drawn in by it. Take a guess who he would be complaining about next if the AP displeased him?

He is absolutely gearing himself up to have an affair. It's so classic it's almost cliche.

And it looks like he has managed to find a naive attention seeker who may be happy to help.

He is disrespecting you, your family and your marriage.

Who cares if he IS doing the groundwork for an affair. It doesn't matter HOW he fucks off, just so long as he does.

"my miserable fucking wife" would have been IT for me. That's the line crossed. Everything else is just cherries on the turd cake.

All of which explains why your ex is indeed your ex.
Of course women do complain about their partners at times but most don't discuss their sex lives in derogatory terms and while they may moan about specific incidents, the majority don't generally slag off their longterm partners to friends.

Most women would prefer to take appropriate action to get over problems

Gosh there are some wise words on here and I thank each of you who has taken the time to reply. I appreciate the balanced views and not just the 'leave him' comments, although they are also valid.
Some of you have been so in line with my own thoughts that it's reassuring reading it from someone else.
I don't think anything has happened yet. Well, not physically. He is sorry but not very good at apologising. Asked if I wanted a goodbye quickie this morning? wtf. Gross.
Anyway, I am taking some time to think things through. It's very raw. I've not been on top form at work.