Husband confiding in younger gym friend and insulting me behind my back

[GymAffair]

Husband and I have been together for years. Married 14 years, together about 10 years before that. Two children. He started going to the gym, was looking better losing weight and looking after himself. He has a group of friends there who I don’t know but I was initially upset when he told me that he’d shown them a picture of me and they’d told him I was ‘punching’. He said this wasn’t a dig at me, just a compliment to him.
anyway, he’s been glued to his phone for a while. I know I shouldn’t have but I had a look today and it was open on some messages from a girl from this group (I don’t know how old she is- maybe late 20s and he is 41). The messages go back months and it’s full of voice notes to and from each other. In fairness, a lot of it is gym related, they obviously train together. But there are quite a few messages from him about me which are all slagging me off ‘my miserable fucking wife’ amongst other things. He’s told her our sex life is miserable (I mean, it isn’t great, but why tell this woman?).
i feel so betrayed. I confronted him and he said he has HAD to confide in someone as he is unhappy. I feel so miserable, why did he have to confide in this woman? If it’s harmless, why is it all in secret? Why would he be so nasty about me to a stranger.

A “goodbye quickie”? What planet is he on? At what point is he going to apologise profusely for the nasty things he said about you and explain himself fully? No matter how shit he is at apologising (and I know some people are) if he’s going to pull stunts like this, he’d better learn how to do it properly and that apologies are just words, which should be followed by actions to prove he means it. Give him a clue if he’s struggling: a “goodbye quickie” isn’t on that list. Just when you thought you’d heard it all….

There really is only one reason for a man in his forties to confide in a much younger woman about the woes of his marriage. He is way over the line here.

I have bean there so if you.want to talk pm me

I would never talk about my DH in such derogatory terms nor would I discuss our sex life with friends.
To do so would be hugely disrespectful to him.

If I have anything like that to discuss then I talk to him about it.
Bitching to other people about your partner is low.
And so what if she looked through his phone in this instance 🙄 How else was she going to find out what was going on?
Ask husband of the year? 🤔

Do you not see a difference between a vent that’s something like “Oh god, I’m so sick of this running obsession that Rob has, he’s out every day for two hours, the laundry has doubled and it’s becoming impossible to plan family time” and “Come on, let’s go get a beer, last thing I want to do is go home to my miserable fucking wife”.

There’s a big difference between complaining about relationship issues and slagging off your partner. The second shows a level of contempt that’s toxic in a relationship.

I mean, if you were telling people your ex was useless and rubbish in bed, it’s hardly surprising the relationship is over, is it?

Not really. Not beyond the usual. Haven’t discussed sex particularly with anybody outside of the marriage.
if it’s friendship and nothing more, then why have they been messaging for 2-3 months, some days there are 10+ voice notes between them. He’s had mentionitis but hadn’t let on that they were meeting for gym sessions and texting daily.

@GymAffair you’re right, and it’s always the ten years younger woman friend they use to slag their wives off to. Funny that. Not.

It doesn't help that he has told me a few times that I should go to the gym, look after myself like he's doing... pointing out grey hairs. 'Mentioning' so and so and how she definitely looks after herself.
About to turn 40 so I'm already hard enough on myself. I don't look though, I look in the mirror and can see I'm not overwight, I wear nice clothes and get my hair done every 6 weeks. Not perfect, but who is.
I work in a good job, I am respected in my profession. I do lots for family and friends.

I have been making myself a little list today as a little 'pick me up'. If my husband can't lift me, see the good in me, then I need to do it for myself. I'm not prepared to feel ashamed for getting older (i mean, I'm only 39).

You are not old at 39. Your husband is a total arsehole.

You are not old at 39. Your husband is a total arsehole.

I agree, he is.

Definitely trying to get in her knickers by sounds of it.

Good for you OP in looking at the positives in yourself.
You sound like a strong woman who knows her own worth.
Don't let your H's mind games undermine you.

Funny how he isn't confiding to Jimmy,Clive etc.
But a young woman 17years his junior..my wife doesn't understand me like you do blah blah blah🤮

I couldn’t stay with a man who had no respect, decency, kindness or love for me. I couldn’t look past his contemptuous attitude towards me, all in aid of starting (or enhancing perhaps) an affair with this woman.
Legal advice, get financials together, figure out a plan. Best of luck.

You’re in the salon every six weeks and he’s pointing out grey hairs and you’re having sex once or twice a week and he’s complaining it’s not enough?

I don’t think it would matter what you did, he’ll find fault with you as what he really wants is to shag this younger woman for his own deficient ego needs. This is called “The Script”.

When he points out how good she looks, you should say you wonder how she’d look 15 years down the track with two kids and a husband who makes a habit of running her down instead of lifting her up.

I really hate that expression "punching" it's insulting to both of you. Why are you with that munter/why are you deluding yourself that you're worth an attractive partner.
I don't think it's normal to slag off your sex life to an opposite sex friend either, totally inappropriate of him, and she should have shut that down immediately.
And voice notes! Of all the narcissistic idiocies, are they 15?
You're 39 OP, you're in your prime. By all means treat yourself to some beauty treatments if you want to, but not because your husband tells you to. He doesn't sound very nice.

For me that would be the marriage finished. I appreciate it's not as simple as leave the bastard, but that lack of respect would be the beginning of the end it for me.

OP, you know your worth and don't let ANYONE disrespect you like that, especially not someone who vowed to love you for better and for worse. He's a vile little man who needs a dose of reality.

To people saying 'do you not moan about your husband to your friends'...not really. Sometimes about minor stuff but I generally say nice things about him, and wouldn't share anything hugely personal. If I have an issue with him, I try and sort it out with him, not moan about him behind his back.

I realise some people may be different, but it sounds like he was slagging her off behind her back, not looking for genuine advice about how to improve their relationship (imagine only having sex once or twice a week the poor man). It also sounds like this woman isn't a long standing close friend, she is a gym buddy he has known a few months that he is trying to set the scene of showing he is interested, in case she is interested

Hair has a very annoying habit of growing between salon visits Because we are women not dolls. Hes a fucking idiot

What a repulsive little man. he told me that he’d shown them a picture of me and they’d told him I was ‘punching’. He said this wasn’t a dig at me, just a compliment to him. He told you they said this and thought it was compliment to him? That is such a derogatory comment to make about anyone and hardly something he should be taking as a compliment, any normal and respectful DH would have shut that comment down right away. If he was mine his bags would have been packed, if he thought that little of me to allow his new gym pals to have an opinion on me especially in this way he’d be welcome to find someone who wasn’t “punching”. Don't allow him to speak to you like this or treat you the way he is, he’s treating you like a doormat, I’m furious for you OP.

Love to see his face if you said you’d decided to take his advice re gym and will be accompanying him from now on.

Focus on yourself and what you want OP.
Hes wide open to an affair. Hes all but told you this in so many words.
Personally the disrespectful disgusting comments would hurt me far more than if I found out he'd shagged her on the treadmill regularly.
Hes no longer in your corner and you cant trust him at all atm. Keep your eye.on any joint accounts for large cash withdrawals and make sure he cant access any accounts in your sole name online with pins/passwords.
This must be very painful for you. Im so sorry your having to go through this because of a man's pathetic ego. Hes lost a bit of weight and thinks hes the dogs bollocks. Youve to feel sorry for him really.
Continue with your positive thought process and do some deep.thinking about what you want now and how you wish your future to look. Would staying together mean you drive yourself to distraction about what hes up to and who hes slagging you off to next?
The things he said are awful. He sounds like hes lost all respect for you. Or convinced himself his lies about you are true.
Your still young, there are so many men out there who will sing your praises in your absence. You deserve so much more than this sad man.
Take care OP.

Agree entirely with @Thequeenofwishfulthinking ‘s post above. The disrespect is sickening and definitely on the cheating spectrum.

‘Venting to a friend’ indeed.