Husband confiding in younger gym friend and insulting me behind my back

[GymAffair]

Husband and I have been together for years. Married 14 years, together about 10 years before that. Two children. He started going to the gym, was looking better losing weight and looking after himself. He has a group of friends there who I don’t know but I was initially upset when he told me that he’d shown them a picture of me and they’d told him I was ‘punching’. He said this wasn’t a dig at me, just a compliment to him.
anyway, he’s been glued to his phone for a while. I know I shouldn’t have but I had a look today and it was open on some messages from a girl from this group (I don’t know how old she is- maybe late 20s and he is 41). The messages go back months and it’s full of voice notes to and from each other. In fairness, a lot of it is gym related, they obviously train together. But there are quite a few messages from him about me which are all slagging me off ‘my miserable fucking wife’ amongst other things. He’s told her our sex life is miserable (I mean, it isn’t great, but why tell this woman?).
i feel so betrayed. I confronted him and he said he has HAD to confide in someone as he is unhappy. I feel so miserable, why did he have to confide in this woman? If it’s harmless, why is it all in secret? Why would he be so nasty about me to a stranger.

What will you be doing about this? Your marriage sounds like its in a really bad place girl 🥺 x - I would be suspecting and affair, with the amount of disrespect he is showing you.

I don't think it's an affair bjust needed to vent.

Yeh, I don’t think it’s an affair, her messages back aren’t suggestive and she doesn’t seem interested I suppose. I think if she had shown an interest he wouldn’t have been saying no. I’m so sad.

I’m so sorry OP. It sounds like he doesn’t respect or like you, which is no basis for a relationship. Why is your sex life not great? Would he consider counselling? You need time and space to work out how you’ve drifted from each other and how to find your way back. IMO it’s disrespectful to your marriage for him to be privately messaging a single woman in her 20s, not everyone agrees with that, but that’s just me. The risk is there.

Sounds like you need a deeper conversation about the state of your marriage

Don't keep calling posters "girl" - it's very rude.

I am a realist, and will not not jump into "what ifs" with certainty, I am sure a lot of other posters will do that instead of me - So I am not going to say he has slept with this younger woman. By the sound of it, he feels flattered, and surely finds her attractive, maybe something this is building up to something physical. There is not enough evidence to say it has already happened. One thing is for sure: He is not uninterested. Just because the woman doesn't seem to be interested personally, and that's why nothing is happening/happened yet, it is nothing to celebrate.. there will be someone who will show interest.

I am saying these things because at this point in time, that is just one of the string of problems. He completely disrespected you, slagging you off like this is unacceptable. I would not stand for it, nobody deserves to be treated this way. If this is what you get as his wife, you are better off without it all. Maybe it would save you a whole lot of pain and future betrayal if you exited this shameful setup. I am so sorry about your situation, it must be devastating... Be kind to yourself and remember you deserve more respect than this nonsense.

One thing I'd remind this loser if it was in my power is that your true character shows when you get to a better place than where you were before... So if he acts like a deplorable c-nt (sorry, found this the best word to describe his actions) when he loses some weight and gets some confidence and ego boost, then that is what is. I have a feeling you would be better off without someone who just bashes your self-esteem and talks about you in a derogatory way behind your back.

Sorry to say it, but given the horrible things he’s done, sounds like he has no respect or even liking for you at all. If he’s not already having an affair, he wants one.
I’d be getting some legal advice so you know where you stand

Sounds like he'd get in her pants if she was interested. Laying the ground work of "my wife doesn't understand meee".

This. I would be done with my partner if he spoke about me like that, the disrespect is unforgivable in my eyes. He sounds like he was playing the poor me, unfulfilled married man act - god it's so predictable, this martyr crap - trying to lay the groundwork for an affair. Find your anger and tell him straight that this disrespectful language will absolutely never fly and you expect a relationship built on love and respect, a real man doesn't behave like this. Sending strength OP xx

Apologies op, if I offended you, I was offering genuine comfort and advice

@ALotofThingsBeataJet2HolidayActually Its not rude girl, its like saying 'hun' or 'babe' or 'mate'

Part of the process of justifying a potential affair is creating the illusion that it's your partner's fault. This is what he is doing. It's nothing to do with you or your looks or defects.

This is a completely unacceptable level of disrespect. The level of disloyaly shown to you here is off the scale.

And I agree with other posters that he is looking to start an affair with her, if she is up for it.

I am so very sorry, but start getting your ducks in a row a.s.a.p.

He just keeps trying to put the blame on me. Lists of problems with me. But instead of trying to work on it, he’s gone straight to the first woman who gave an ear to listen to it all.
The marriage hit a rocky patch and we have been on the way out of it. I’ve been frustrated with his constant phone use. It’s constantly in his hand, I can’t have a conversation with I’m without him picking it up. He wants more sex, I’m happy with the amount we have (1-2 times per week). Tried to compromise by making more effort but he’s sometimes out at the gym or walking the dog till late and I get up at 5am on work days.
im fed up.need to sleep on it I think.

Are you sure he's actually at the gym?

The late night dog walks might also be opportunities either to talk on the phone or meet.

It’s not just the disrespect but he is 100% trying to get in her knickers.

This.
He's laying the groundwork to justify an affair (to himself and the gym woman)

I expect he met someone who made his dangly bits tingle and then he started finding fault with you in order to make himself feel better about wanting to stay.

its the classic script sadly

From experience, walking the dog till late means phone calls with the other woman.

In all honesty if my spouse described me as “my miserable fucking wife” and complained about a weekly sex life after two decades together, I would consider the relationship unsalvageable.

If a married man at the gym sent me a message about his 'misarable' wife, I would suggest she may be misrable because her husband slags her off to random people at the gym. I would also suggest he stops being a prick and if his sex life is crap to do something about it.

Im not sure what he expects. I think you would be less misrable without him.

It's the start of The Script.
I'm so sorry, but he does sound horrible.

Before he realises you know, can you start getting ducks in a row - know where you stand? Find out everything you can about accounts, pensions etc?

OP how many times a week are you getting to go to the gym/ do your restorative exercise/social hobby of choice?

I can't get over his deliberate nastiness when he told you of his friend's comments about him " punching" when they saw your photo. Even if this was actually said it shows quite clearly the type of person your H is and the type of people he is mixing with.

I agree with pp that he is following the script. Please dont let him destroy your self esteem and self worth.

I think you should seek legal advice. I'm afraid your marriage is effectively over and it's much better you are prepared.

If he’s not having an affair, he is certainly working on it.

Agree with everyone else op.
Seek legal advice.
He is trying his best to shag this young woman. If she isn’t interested then he will find someone who is.
I do not believe anyone would make the comment about him punching below his weight unless your dh pushed the conversation that way.
Without wanting to upset you if he calls you his miserable fucking wife, then what else is he saying about you? Oh look here is a picture if my fat, lazy wife?
He had already checked out of your marriage.
Protect yourself op.