Husband emotionally unavailable

[SparkleFly]

Whenever I am sad or upset about something, my husband's response is to ignore me. Obviously if he asked if I was ok and talked it through with me, offered me a hug, it would help, but he doesn't. Last week was my birthday. For his birthday I had got him VIP tickets to an orchestra. I told him a month before so that he knew it was coming up, and he really enjoyed the night. I paid for our drinks and snacks. Then on the day itself I have him a goody bag of all the snacks and toiletries he likes from the kids. For me he gave me a £35 voucher for an afternoon tea. That was it. Nothing to open. Nothing else. He earns double what I earn. AIBU to be upset by this? I just feel like I don't matter.

The last 2 Christmases have been a similar story. The year before last I was on mat leave and my SMP was about to run out, but I had another 3 months of unpaid leave until I was earning again. I said to him before Christmas that year to remember that I was only on SMP and that I was about to be earning nothing for 3 months, so could we just do small presents. He said 'just get me a Ted Baker top'. They are £95! He made me feel like a tightarse and I felt really embarrassed so ended up spending £200 on gifts for him, then having to draw on my savings to get through the next 3 months. He got me a box of chocolates then said he'd pay for a new coat for me. I couldn't find one I liked so bought one off Vinted for £45, which he then took his time to give me £40 towards...

Last Christmas I spent about £150 on things that I knew he'd like. He got me a £20 perfume that I had asked for, and a box of chocolates. Nothing else, despite me dropping loads of hints. Then after Christmas did the 'i'll get you something in the sales' again and then eventually after I bought myself a new £60 raincoat said 'do you want the money for that?'.

It's not just the money. I do 95% of the admin at home. I handle all the banking, all the utilities, car MOT etc, all the kids stuff, I sort everyone's birthday and Christmas presents, the meal plans, the food shop, the cooking, the pet care. If it requires any thought, it's on my shoulders. My mental load is absolutely insane, while he will just ask what he can do and he'll wash up or hoover the house (if I ask). So by Christmas I have juggled all of this, all of the Christmas presents for both families, teacher presents etc etc. So all he had to do was buy for me. I don't think it's unreasonable to be hurt at the lack of effort, is it?

So now we have the zero effort birthday present and I'm upset so he's ignoring me. I honestly don't know how to get through to him. He just doesn't get it. A week and a half now. He hasn't even asked what's wrong, or if I'm ok.

Boring off, gladly. Great chat, thank you.

it is not what he typed but the way he typed it right? why don't you take him to HR or even better: sue him. Jesus Christ women like you are the reason why we are labelled bitchy and complainy on social media.

for what it's worth @SparkleFly I think you need to sit down with your hubby and open up about your emotions. see if kicks something into gear for him and maybe get his opinion on being more caring? to see if he has it in him without forcing it. because if there is nothing there there is no point.

I have no advice but you’ve described my life to a T. My DH also goes silent when I’m upset & generally just leaves me too it. There is no emotional connection between us at all and I’ve really withdrawn myself from him recently. He then wonders why there is no physical connection!! I’ve tried everything, leaving things, crying, screaming, writing it down in a letter nothing seems to work or change.

we have little children and leaving just is not an option at the moment so I’ve decided to be as happy as I can be until the time comes to change things or things between us change.

THIS

Thank you. Being the reason why women are called bitchy on social media is exactly the look I was going for. It’s good to know I’m getting it right.
By the way, have you heard of the term “internalised misogyny”?

spectacular haha. enjoy.

There should be an equivalent for Godwin’s law but for when someone tells someone to educate themselves.

It’s as circular as it is ineffective.

All this my money/his money talk is baffling to me. I can't even understand that you bought yourself the coat for 45 and then waited for him to pay you the 40 since it was a gift. It's all one pot if you are married. You are living as if you are only dating. That alone is clearly stirring up a lot of the problems.

As for him ignoring you when you when you are sad or upset, I know how this feels, and it's terribly lonely. But it seems like the bigger concern for you is about the imbalance with gift giving. Maybe just takes gifts off the table altogether. Go out to dinner together instead.

Well they sort of are. This is exactly why so many Gen Z in particular are deciding to remain single.

There’s a lot of she spent this and he spent that going on in this thread, if that’s how you value the strength of your relationships we’re all f**cked ;-)

You’re not wrong OP. He sounds like a shit husband. Start doing less for him I say.

@SparkleFly okay so he sounds pretty useless, technophobe, can’t cook, can’t do admin etc etc…. so why would you think he’d be any good at buying presents?

I mean, it doesn’t really seem he even knows the value of things; you said small presents, he agrees okay just a £95 Ted Baker top then, for goodness sake.

So I think he’s unintentionally clueless and has no idea why you’re upset and probably wouldn’t cross his mind that you are.

I don’t think it’s a LTB or leave the idiot in this case, I think what you do is make sure you get the presents you want. Find your presents, tell him what you’d like and send him the links to buy them. And don’t be too fixated on price. You like something get it.

I do this, my DH would rather he chose but I’d rather he didn’t. I get what I want without the faff of returning things. Easy for him, easy for me.

Christ, there’s a lot of asshole apologists on this thread.
OP, ‘love’ is a verb. It requires action. Your husband is clearly showing you how he feels. You can’t ’get through’ to him because you can’t make someone respect you, or make them care.

So it’s perfectly reasonable for him to ask for an expensive top for his birthday but then he can’t be arsed to get her anything for hers? Ok.

Stop doing so much for him and change the dynamic right now. Stop using all your money on him and buy yourself presents instead. Stop doing things for him that make you tired & unhappy and that he could do himself. I think you will become even unhappier if you try to fix him. Maybe if you set some boundaries and stick to them, he may wake up and realise he is taking you for granted. Or he may not, but at least you will be happier and resent him less. Then you need to think about whether this is good for you in the long term.

He needs a wake up call! Its disrespect his complete lack of thought for you. Couples counselling might be good as they'll pull him up on this unfairness. You shouldn't have to ask fir a cuddle when you're sad xxxx

Let me try to find some common ground on this, i kind of understand what you’re saying but it’s not about the value of the gift, it’s about the thought process behind buying it, i will admit that some people probably do it without putting in any real effort but if someone actually goes out of their way to buy you a gift (when done out of love) the value of that gift should be based on the fact they did it for you and for the right reasons, not what it actually cost.