Having serious doubts after buying a house with my boyfriend

[Dalesrose]

Hi,

I have recently purchased a house with my boyfriend, the offer got accepted a couple of days ago so we still have a while before we move in. Since the offer has been accepted I have had major anxiety about the whole thing largely associated with my relationship. I had doubts before but now they are all I think about every day, every night and I can’t sleep. I’ve been up until 3am every night tossing and turning. I know I am a stressy person and this is my first big purchase and I do struggle with making big decisions (was looking at flats for 3 years and never bought one). My boyfriend and I are long distance and he hasn’t even seen the house, he is not home for another 3 weeks and I am just spiralling. I don’t know whether to pull out and break up with I feel like that will break my heart or whether my brain is playing overtime and just needs to chill out. Sorry I need some advice. I do love my boyfriend and he loves me but the long distance is really hard.

any advice welcome.

Honestly, buy something on your own for now. Even if a small flat. He can live with you but with no ownership rights, don't let him pay a penny towards the property and have a signed agreement he can't claim. He pays half of bills. You have no commitment to this house. It doesn't matter if it's a 'perfect' house (which doesn't exist).

Is this in the UK as advice may differ?

You haven't bought a house. You've had an offer accepted. This is a very different thing.

Never buy a house without being married. If you aren’t ready to make the financial and legal commitment of marriage, you aren’t ready to tie yourselves to such a huge long term purchase. You obviously haven’t been ready to get married, so why the rush? Can you buy a house yourself and he just stays there when he’s home? You could re-visit buying together in a few more years when you’re absolutely sure.

Absolutely don’t buy it , pull out now tell tor bf you’re unsure about the house and can’t do it and want to rent together first

That’s not always good advice, especially if she has much more in assets and pension and deposit than him. It’s much better to buy a house as tenants in common if she does.

She can give him a lodger contract and charge him a bit of rent.

Also, you only had the offer accepted days ago. You have months of stress ahead of you still to complete the purchase, which may fall through anyway for reasons that have nothing to do with your relationship. Get out of this now. The sellers will not care. It’s such early days. They’ll be very grateful you made your mind up now and not 5 months from now.

BIL and SIL split up shortly after buying their house (also not married). It took them another 4 years to sell it, each taking turns to live in it and take on lodgers to afford the mortgage, while the other had to move back in with family. It was hell ish and meant their break up dragged on for 4 years until the house was finally sold.

You have had an offer accepted op not bought a house. Fine to pull out if you are unsure.

I know it might be a bit outing but what’s his job? Are you sure it’s a job and not a second family?

I strongly advise you to live together - actually live together - before any purchases. I love DP, we’ve recently started living together and even though I can’t pinpoint anything “wrong” I am running on 2h of sleep because part of me wants to ask him to leave, but if I do that I might as well break up because how on earth would a relationship survive? It will be much harder for you to untangle yourself after buying property together.

@Dalesrose Can you buy the house wholey in your name?
I'm a bit confused when you say you've lived together for 3 years - yet whenever he's home you're not working?? If he works away a lot - presumably that's going to continue so it might be helpful to try to think about what actually will change by living in an owned house, as opposed to the rental one you live in now?
It's not clear to me how you're living arrangements with your boyfriend will change - just because you are buying the house?

If you can afford to buy the house solely on your own - and you've said its a perfect house in perfect area - I'd say do for it - but be absolutely clear in legal documents - and between yourselves that the house is yours only.

Buying a house for the first time is a big thing - and it's totally normal to be having jitters.

Understanding what buying the house will mean in terms of sharing a life with your boyfriend might help you work out if your jitters are to do with the buying a house - or relationship worries.

If it's relationship doubts - absolutely don't move until you've resolved those issues one way or another.

Thanks for all the advice. I don’t know what to do. It’s not legally binding so I know I have some time to think (maybe a week) but I want to stop my brain thinking in overtime. I actually don’t realise how massive getting a house together was with the fixed mortgage term etc.

i couldn’t afford the house on my own but I am putting down the majority of the deposit. I just couldn’t afford the repayments. I also wouldn’t need a house if not buying with him. I meant to say he is only home when he is off work while I work full time 9-5.

You wouldn’t need a house?! What is driving this purchase? Really you need to pause this process

Don't do it!

@Dalesrose it would be prudent to withdraw from the house purchase, as a first step.

Buying a house is a massive undertaking for most of us but for you it has also brought into sharp focus, your relationship.

Throughout your posts, these are the stand outs;

I do love my boyfriend and he loves me but the long distance is really hard.

he just isn’t home enough for me

it’s more the commitment with my partner that I am scared of

This isn’t the life I had planned for myself with him being a way all the time

He is quite lazy and doesn’t have the same aspirations in life as me

I then feel like I am compromising so much

All I ever wanted was someone to stand by me and love me and I feel like I have that but I am still not happy.

but can I live in unhappiness but what if I never find anyone

Many would see 5 years as long term, it is, but you're still not happy.

You may have another 50-60 years ahead, would you really want to spend that whole time unhappy?

You ask, "what if I never find anyone"?

If you continue to maintain an unhappy relationship out of fear, you will never find anyone else.

Do not fool yourself into "the sunk cost fallacy" with this person.

The life you really want, is yours for the taking @Dalesrose you do need to be brave though.

Wishing you peace and strength.

My parents generation (I am 50) in the main married without living together, it did them ok. I would never say never do that. I did live with a GF in a house we bought but had never lived together before but with my ex-wife we did move in before buying.

If I was to move in with someone now, we would not live together before buying as it seems silly to sell 2 houses and rent somewhere etc.

@AirborneElephant @FloydPink

Moot point really as @Dalesrose states;

"So we’ve been together 5 years and have lived together (rented) for 3 years albeit it is long distance so he is only home when off from work"

Have a look at ROCD. It can appear at times like this :)

What are the issue with the relationship aside from the long distance part?

I feel for the boyfriend totally unfair to let him go ahead

Could you afford to buy a smaller property on your own?

I always thought things would get better with my boyfriend of 7 years when we did this, when we did that, when we moved to a bigger house which we both owned. Nope. 6 months down the line I left and I felt a weight off my shoulders. Listen to your gut.

however, if you’re happy with him generally then I think it’s maybe you’re just overthinking things. I wasn’t happy with my ex.

Please reconsider your purchase. My DD1 was unsure in similar circumstances but felt that she should go forward as it would let various ppl down. She had 3 miserable years ,lost lots of money, ended up renting again and has to re save for a deposit at a time when prices are rising(col). Trust your gut.

Not sure if you are in the UK but definitely do not buy a property if you are unsure. Maybe I am wrong but if it is your first home and it all goes wrong then you have lost your first time buyer status. Lose big on this and next time you’ll be liable for stamp duty.

You really don’t need to commit like this when you have doubts.