Trigger warning - I need a friend

[Longtimeposter]

trigger warning - SA

so so much is broken and wrong in the relationship. We have a large blended family to consider but things have got so toxic I think I’ve disassociated from the majority of it over last few years but after yet another incident this weekend I feel so shut down I think it’s time.

validate me, both drunk and - him a lot more than me, I’d had 2 glasses of wine with dinner. We had friends to stay. Laid with my back to him, he starts fumbling, I tell him I’m not interested considering we’d been basically masking the cracks since a big row a couple of days before, not interested, tired, no. He carries on. Pulls my PJs down in silence. More fumbling. Pushes himself inside me with me half laying on my side/ front. I just didn’t move. Said nothing. Just couldn’t believe he was doing it. Didn’t hurt me. But I’d completely said no more than once and he was doing it any way. He literally just carried on in silence till he was done and I then got up and went to the bathroom - then fell asleep on opposite sides of the bed, except I couldn’t sleep - anxious racing thoughts.

what the F am I meant to do? I’m a professional, work FT, we have a mortgage and a completely joint life but not married.

I said to him the next morning that I considered what he had done as rape. I’ve also expressed in a text to him how aghast I am. He said sorry and tried to kiss me and I’ve pushed him away at every opportunity. I don’t want him to touch me. He’s still being a shitty prick. Not some one who’s trying to make up for a blip or a drunken mistake. Especially as I’ve clearly told him how awful I’ve found it. He’s just ignored it and carried on being absolutely shitty when he wants.

for context I was raped when I was 17. He is well aware of that.

he has history of being shit fyi. Controlling. Cheating on me when we first got together (with his ex wife) going through my phone, tracking me, finances are definitely an issue. Just in general he isn’t my safe person. He’s not some one I think that if I really needed him, he’d be capable or bothered to support me.

sorry it’s long. I can’t tell any one in real life. If I do it will blow my world apart.

He is gaslighting you and I would not engage further with him. He is unremorseful and dismissive at best, lying and a rapist at worst.
He knows it was not enthusiastic sex - ie he touched you, you didn’t touch him back, that means no sex tonight. - there is verbal and physical consent and you gave neither.

I am not going to tell you to leave right now as your situation sounds complicated. You have a home and blended family together. However, yes you should leave him
when you can.

The most important thing is dealing with the right now. You are in shock and shaken. Do you think you could go see your gp to get help and document this rape. Or call Rape crisis? I think right now you need someone to listen to you and not lots of posters talking at you. Tell us what you need and sending you a handhold x

It’s not just you that considers this rape OP, it is rape according to British law and it carries a prison sentence.

I’m so sorry this happened. You will get through to the other side of this relationship and be happy again.

Please call for help. Getting to safety is your priority. I don’t think the issue is whether you can prove rape or not. The relationship is terrible and dangerous to you for all kinds of reasons. He will continue to abuse and destroy you as long as you are within reach.

💐💐💐
Rape

Go to your doctor as an emergency appointment and tell them.

Telephone rape crisis and report and make an appointment.

Report to the police.

What happens if I report to the police?

Why not ring rape crisis now and they should be able to talk you through everything.

How are you tonight?

Honestly - fed up and exhausted from lack of sleep.

i can’t phone now but will tomorrow morning

I am so sorry. It sounds like as though your body and mind were too shocked and too much on alert to sleep.

Please do speak to them rather than go on to ‘press on’, cope, and forget mode.

It sounds as though you should be making an appointment to speak to WA too. They could have a waiting list but at least get registered on to their list.

Check for all the help services in your area.

How are you doing @Longtimeposter ?

He seems to think that what he did was perfectly ok, so there’s every chance that he’d do it again. I know it’s easier said than done but you really do need to part ways with him.

Op your world is already blown apart, he's blown it apart. You absolutely need to tell someone in real life because that's how you safely end this and get out and heal from it.

You need to ring womens aid ASAP. Especially if you've kids in the house. He's being highly abusive in every way and you're absolutely right this was rape.

You can also ring police and report all of this. Womens aid will help you make an extraction plan to get yourself and your kids out safely and with somewhere to go.

Op you have no way to fix or salvage this. He knows what he's doing is wrong but he has no reason to change because this suits him- he can do whatever he wants and whatever he feels like and he knows from experience that you will take it. You cannot make someone like him be remorseful or start to treat you better, the only thing you can do is respond to his behaviour by finding a safe way to leave. His behaviour is clearly escalating and will continue to escalate. You get one life op, please don't feel like you need to spend it like this. There is much, much better out there for you. But you need to take the first step by making the call to womens aid and telling them everything and letting them help you.

I'm so sorry he's doing this to you, you do not (and never did) deserve this.

If he checks your phone please make sure you delete your browser history so he can't come across this chat and your call history if you ring womens aid. I would make up an emergency bag and leave it at a non mutual friends house so if god forbid things get worse and you need to go immediately, you have what you need there. Keep your phone changed and on you and carry your bank card in it so if you have to leave in a hurry you could get on a bus and access money. If he's physically abusive to you or makes you feel afraid in any way you get yourself to a quiet room and ring the police. Then use them when they arrive.

Domestic abuse like this thrives in silence. You do not owe him secrecy and op honestly he's not safe to be around those children either. They also deserve safety and support.